Relapsing

littlemili

I think I may be either relapsing or slipping from straight-up restricting to some horrible mix of starve-binge-purge with chew-and-spit thrown in. After months of restricting, I binged 3-4 times over a couple of weeks (binge-starve basically), then I realised I could get the same calories just by eating 1000 a day, tried to eat at maintainance or to gain a little and that has freaked me out big time so now I'm chew-and-spitting a ton, binge-purging because my body can't deal with the food being taken away again, and starving myself the rest of the time, albeit quite unsuccessfully.

Please, please help. I have no idea what's going on and I'm kind of enjoying letting ED take control. I failed the college year today too and I have a horrible feeling ED is just going to destroy anything left of the real me. Already I don't really think I want to recover. I want to lose weight again and I'm really risking my heart health by doing this. I really need advice...

HoopFire5602

God I wish I could be there to support you. We both need it right now. What happened with the inpatient treatment you were doing, the daycare? Maybe you really need to admit yourself into the hospital again. I don't want you to die....please do something....I need you.

littlemili

I never went to daycare, they decided I have to try outpatient for longer first. They don't really take my opinion into account when they decide what treatment to give me.

PoleBoy

Try to remember all of those really good reasons you want to recover.

thinkingthingirl

Oh babe im so sorry to hear that your struggling again. I know what its like with the control thing, How about you make a list of the reasons why you want to recover. Have u told someone at home like friends or family that u think ur relapsing? Massive hugs. Stay strong you can do this.

cowlover22

So where are you at with things now? Any better? Let me know.It has been a couple days since your post.

littlemili

I guess I am in a muddle. After the last month where I binged, tried to gain weight and had the odd starve day, I gained only 0.1kg. I was SO CERTAIN I had gained. Now I'm just confused bc my self-perception must be waaaaay off. Not going to lie - I'm not in a good state of mind, but I am making myself be consistent with my eating at least, to try and find some normality. The hospital have kind of given me an ultimatum. If I lose weight over the Xmas holiday, they will call in my parents and require me to be removed from all commitments so I can be IP as and when necessary. They want me to take a year out of college now It kind of makes the relapse thoughts worse, bc if they take away everything that matters, I may as well let ED have free reign since there is nothing left to lose.