Where's the compassion? the empathy?
LabRat529
Posts: 1,323 Member
I want to vent 
I don't really expect any answers- I probably won't do anything differently than I am currently because I'm a coward and I just won't speak up about certain things even though I should. But here's the story (it's not really about LGBT issues, but it is about acceptance/understanding so I thought this was a good place to express my frustrations).
In October, I rented a room from a 40 year old biology/chemistry high school teacher that I will call Jessica. Jessica owns this big o'l house and she lives alone. I needed to save money. Seemed like a plan.
The other spare room in the house is being rented by this 18 soon-to-be-19 year old "kid" (meant in the most affectionate way). I'll call the kid Susan.
Jessica and I get along great. Susan and I get along great. But Jessica views Susan with suspicion and mis-interprets Susan's actions and behavior accordingly. More on that in a minute.
Jessica is a very conservative Christian. She asked that we follow a couple rules as condition of living in her house. She doesn't want us doing laundry or house work on Sundays because she wants to keep the Sabbath holy. And she doesn't want us to have men in our back bedrooms because she's a big believer in the law of chastity- she believes you should wait until after marriage to have sex and she is concerned about propriety so she doesn't want even the appearance of evil in her house.
There are other unspoken rules, but that's the jest of it.
I'm mostly okay with these rules because they coincide with my beliefs and I'm inclined to follow them because I want to.
HOWEVER, Susan is young and still exploring her own beliefs. She doesn't believe/think the way that Jessica and I think... mostly I'm not sure that she knows what she believes (what 18 year old really knows?).
So Susan brought her boyfriend back into her room. I'm pretty sure Susan and her boyfriend are having sex because Susan will stay over at her boyfriend's house, and I'm actually okay with that because Susan doesn't have to fit in my little box of rules to be considered "good" by me. But Susan got caught with the boyfriend in the back. They weren't having sex at that particular moment. They were talking. I wasn't here when it happened... I might have run interference if I had been. But Jessica was very very angry, said things to make Susan feel scared (that's my biggest worry, right there- I don't know what Jessica said, but if it made Susan feel threatened, we have a problem) and to make Susan cry.
Now... I understand that rules are rules and I understand that Susan broke the rules and that this is Jessica's house. So I understand Jessica's anger.
So here's what's really bothering me:
Jessica told me about what happened and made if very clear that she thinks Susan is an immoral hooligan, and like the coward that I am, I just listened and didn't say what I was really thinking. When Jessica was scolding Susan, she told her all about how she had the rules in place to protect Susan from moral corruption, etc. etc. Previous conversations with Jessica have made it clear to me that Jessica sees everything in black and white. There is not grey. There is not alternative. There is only Jessica's way, which is God's way, which is the right way, and anything else is wrong.
But Susan wasn't raised the way Jessica and I were raised. In fact, Susan wasn't really raised at all. She's a foster kid. She was abandoned by her mother to child protection services. She was raised by an aunt who provided for her physical needs but not her emotional needs, and the "kid" has some work ahead of her to define her own personal moral code. In my opinion, she's done a hell of a good job. So many kids in her situation would be on the streets, doing drugs, selling themselves for money, and so on, but this kid tries hard to live a good life and to work hard. She's sweet and hard working and trying to get enough money scraped together to go to college with 0 family support.
Jessica has this view of her that's just not supported by the facts. Example: Susan is very shy, talks in a soft voice, and doesn't make eye contact with anyone, not even her boyfriend. I see this as evidence of some serious emotional trauma. Jessica sees this as evidence that Susan is untrustworthy and dishonest even though Susan (as far as I know) has never lied or done anything to indicate that she's untrustworthy.
I want to talk to Jessica. I want to point out to Jessica that Susan is a good kid even if Susan's moral code is different. And I really really don't think Jessica's fear and shame tactics are going to help Susan at all. Susan's body-language and behavior scream to me that she's been through hell. She needs support and patience, not condemnation. And she certainly doesn't need some self-righteous christian telling her how to live her life. Susan has to make that decision and she needs to make that decision for the right reasons, not because others think she's a bad person if she doesn't live a certain way. Susan needs to find the life style that brings her the greatest happiness.
I just wish I knew how to approach the problem- I was once a black-and-white thinker. I'm not any more. But having been a black-and-white thinker, I know it's almost impossible to argue with one and almost impossible to get them to see that maybe there are other ways to be good (and that maybe God isn't as stuck up on "the rules" as we like to think he is).
What I'll probably do is pull Susan aside and tell her that I believe in her and re-affirm for her that she's doing fine regardless of what Jessica thinks/says. I doubt I'll actually talk to Jessica because I don't know that it will do anything except start a fight.
Anyway, thanks for "listening".
I don't really expect any answers- I probably won't do anything differently than I am currently because I'm a coward and I just won't speak up about certain things even though I should. But here's the story (it's not really about LGBT issues, but it is about acceptance/understanding so I thought this was a good place to express my frustrations).In October, I rented a room from a 40 year old biology/chemistry high school teacher that I will call Jessica. Jessica owns this big o'l house and she lives alone. I needed to save money. Seemed like a plan.
The other spare room in the house is being rented by this 18 soon-to-be-19 year old "kid" (meant in the most affectionate way). I'll call the kid Susan.
Jessica and I get along great. Susan and I get along great. But Jessica views Susan with suspicion and mis-interprets Susan's actions and behavior accordingly. More on that in a minute.
Jessica is a very conservative Christian. She asked that we follow a couple rules as condition of living in her house. She doesn't want us doing laundry or house work on Sundays because she wants to keep the Sabbath holy. And she doesn't want us to have men in our back bedrooms because she's a big believer in the law of chastity- she believes you should wait until after marriage to have sex and she is concerned about propriety so she doesn't want even the appearance of evil in her house.
There are other unspoken rules, but that's the jest of it.
I'm mostly okay with these rules because they coincide with my beliefs and I'm inclined to follow them because I want to.
HOWEVER, Susan is young and still exploring her own beliefs. She doesn't believe/think the way that Jessica and I think... mostly I'm not sure that she knows what she believes (what 18 year old really knows?).
So Susan brought her boyfriend back into her room. I'm pretty sure Susan and her boyfriend are having sex because Susan will stay over at her boyfriend's house, and I'm actually okay with that because Susan doesn't have to fit in my little box of rules to be considered "good" by me. But Susan got caught with the boyfriend in the back. They weren't having sex at that particular moment. They were talking. I wasn't here when it happened... I might have run interference if I had been. But Jessica was very very angry, said things to make Susan feel scared (that's my biggest worry, right there- I don't know what Jessica said, but if it made Susan feel threatened, we have a problem) and to make Susan cry.
Now... I understand that rules are rules and I understand that Susan broke the rules and that this is Jessica's house. So I understand Jessica's anger.
So here's what's really bothering me:
Jessica told me about what happened and made if very clear that she thinks Susan is an immoral hooligan, and like the coward that I am, I just listened and didn't say what I was really thinking. When Jessica was scolding Susan, she told her all about how she had the rules in place to protect Susan from moral corruption, etc. etc. Previous conversations with Jessica have made it clear to me that Jessica sees everything in black and white. There is not grey. There is not alternative. There is only Jessica's way, which is God's way, which is the right way, and anything else is wrong.
But Susan wasn't raised the way Jessica and I were raised. In fact, Susan wasn't really raised at all. She's a foster kid. She was abandoned by her mother to child protection services. She was raised by an aunt who provided for her physical needs but not her emotional needs, and the "kid" has some work ahead of her to define her own personal moral code. In my opinion, she's done a hell of a good job. So many kids in her situation would be on the streets, doing drugs, selling themselves for money, and so on, but this kid tries hard to live a good life and to work hard. She's sweet and hard working and trying to get enough money scraped together to go to college with 0 family support.
Jessica has this view of her that's just not supported by the facts. Example: Susan is very shy, talks in a soft voice, and doesn't make eye contact with anyone, not even her boyfriend. I see this as evidence of some serious emotional trauma. Jessica sees this as evidence that Susan is untrustworthy and dishonest even though Susan (as far as I know) has never lied or done anything to indicate that she's untrustworthy.
I want to talk to Jessica. I want to point out to Jessica that Susan is a good kid even if Susan's moral code is different. And I really really don't think Jessica's fear and shame tactics are going to help Susan at all. Susan's body-language and behavior scream to me that she's been through hell. She needs support and patience, not condemnation. And she certainly doesn't need some self-righteous christian telling her how to live her life. Susan has to make that decision and she needs to make that decision for the right reasons, not because others think she's a bad person if she doesn't live a certain way. Susan needs to find the life style that brings her the greatest happiness.
I just wish I knew how to approach the problem- I was once a black-and-white thinker. I'm not any more. But having been a black-and-white thinker, I know it's almost impossible to argue with one and almost impossible to get them to see that maybe there are other ways to be good (and that maybe God isn't as stuck up on "the rules" as we like to think he is).
What I'll probably do is pull Susan aside and tell her that I believe in her and re-affirm for her that she's doing fine regardless of what Jessica thinks/says. I doubt I'll actually talk to Jessica because I don't know that it will do anything except start a fight.
Anyway, thanks for "listening".
0
Replies
-
I want to talk to Jessica. I want to point out to Jessica that Susan is a good kid even if Susan's moral code is different. And I really really don't think Jessica's fear and shame tactics are going to help Susan at all. Susan's body-language and behavior scream to me that she's been through hell. She needs support and patience, not condemnation. And she certainly doesn't need some self-righteous christian telling her how to live her life. Susan has to make that decision and she needs to make that decision for the right reasons, not because others think she's a bad person if she doesn't live a certain way. Susan needs to find the life style that brings her the greatest happiness.
If you don't want to talk to Jessica about this, I understand. It could turn out confrontational, but I do applaud that you are going to approach Susan. She needs some affirmation and support.
However, I will say that if you approach Jessica the way you describe above, even as a black and white thinker you may be able to get her to change her approach. She sounds very Christian and, as such, she's probably open to adjusting her behavior in the way to best benefit Susan and, if her opnion, put Susan on the right path. I personally don't think Susan did anything besides break the house rules (given -- I think that was pretty silly -- you should follow the rules of the house you live in), but if her situation is as you say it is then she could definitely use guidance. Jessica seems to want to provide guidance, but her tactics are off. She's willing to write Susan off as a "lost cause", but I'm betting that she could be convinced otherwise. If you just address the tactics with Jessica and not the morals, I think she could be open to change. However, if it is going to strain your relationship with Jessica unduly, don't feel like it is your responsibility to put yourself in that position. You're not a coward at all, and just supporting Susan by talking to her is a lot.
In any case, I'm glad you're there to support Susan.0 -
Thanks Dreamhazer. I've been stewing over this issue all day. I appreciate your response.0
-
I think it is a great idea that you talk to Jessica and express your concerns in helping Susan. It aggravates me when Christians don't act out of love. As a Christian you are supposed to love other's as God loves you. The scripture says "We love because he first loved us." You seem very skilled at expressing yourself effectively and I think you should remind Jessica how to "correct" someone in love. Fear tactics do not work and they are counterproductive to her original attempt. Susan sounds like she needs love and compassion and I would advise you to give her this and I agree with you that Susan should be allowed to live as she sees fit, but remind Jessica of these things. I don't know your religious beliefs, but remind her of the true meaning behind what she is believing. As Christians you are supposed to correct one another out of love. The bible blatantly says that "he who hates correction is stupid." Jessica needs to be corrected in this scenario, but I think you will do so fine in your way.
0 -
you have to stop calling yourself things like "coward" or something...0
This discussion has been closed.