Do you consider this cheating?

Grimmerick

I was in another thread and I saw a girl that said she thinks her SO watching porn or going to a strip club is cheating. I personally do not feel this way. What do you think, Is it cheating? I am sorry I just can't see someone ending a relationship over porn or a strip club, I just think people would think you were insecure about the relationship. ( I am not talking porn addiction though)

Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused

I do not consider this cheating, unless you end up hooking up with one of the strippers.

LuckyLeprechaun

Not cheating, IMHO. But if he went without telling me ahead of time, I would feel like he was trying to be shady.

(He never would, we have even gone to clubs together.)

Shanna_Inc86

I do not consider this cheating, unless you end up hooking up with one of the strippers.

Not cheating, IMHO. But if he went without telling me ahead of time, I would feel like he was trying to be shady.

(He never would, we have even gone to clubs together.)

Agree with BOTH of these

Personally, I like watching porn with a SO and playing they "do what they're doing" game

And strip clubs....I went more than my exes hahaha

Regmama

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

_SusieQ_

I do not have a problem with strip clubs or porn per se. However if he were going often and not telling me about it, that would lend me to think that HE thinks of it as something to hide, and that would be a problem. It's a matter of perception in that case. But as long as it is "look, don't touch", I don't have a problem with it.

LuckyLeprechaun

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

usery? Not a word......unless you were trying for "usury", which means a overly high rate of taxation or interest, and so makes no sense in this context.


Also, when my husband and I went to a club together, he only turned his eyeballs towards the entertainment, his heart is and always will be with me.

Grimmerick

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

just because you go to a strip club or look at porn doesn't mean you love them or want to be with them. So you are telling me if you came home and your husband was watching porn you would end the relationship or at the least make a huge problem out of it because he was cheating on you by directing his heart at a naked body on the television. Just doesn't seem right. Now if he went to a strip club behind your back knowing you hated it, then he is lying and that's a problem but I wouldn't say it has anything to do with his heart.

_SusieQ_

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

I think the point of this group is to welcome differing opinions, so I'm glad this was posted. Does your SO feel the same way? Would you still consider it cheating if you were to partake together as a couple?

I'm asking honestly b/c I am curious of the answer. My husband and I have been together since we were 18/19, now married for 18+ years. When I was younger I had issues with the magazines he kept. Now that I'm older I find it doesn't bother me at all.

Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused

I don't necessarily see it as the stripper is getting my heart. Believe me, she gets my attention for a song or two, my money, and a smile with a few jokes. She won't get my heart though.

Regmama

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

usery? Not a word......unless you were trying for "usury", which means a overly high rate of taxation or interest, and so makes no sense in this context.


Also, when my husband and I went to a club together, he only turned his eyeballs towards the entertainment, his heart is and always will be with me.

Forgive me for using "usery", I meant it uses everyone involved, does not respect their human dignity.

Regmama

http://www.marriagemissions.com/how-pornography-hurts-intimacy-in-a-marriage/
http://www.healthyplace.com/sex/sexual-addiction/pornography-use/menu-id-66/

And how many marriages and relationships have been destroyed because of it. You want to take that risk, I'm sorry to hear that. The women and men in these indurstries have been used and abused most of their lives and by you taking part in it, you are just another user and abuser of them. Yeah, you may not be beating them physically, but you are with your "eyes" and mind.

juleseybaby

Not physically cheating. Mentally - could be cheating. Depends on their intent while attending, etc.

Also - as someone else said... if it is happening in a sneaky way - not good for a healthy relationship.

LuckyLeprechaun

Paying someone for a service is NOT using or abusing them. Have you ever met or known a stripper? I have. She regarded it as her job, just as any other job, and neither she or her husband had a problem with anything she did at work. They did appreciate the income, however. Because of the money she could earn, she and her husband were able to both be at home with their daughter, she worked three nights a week and provided for the entire family's income needs.

I'm not taking any "risk" with my marriage, my husband is trustworthy because of his behavior, not who is around him. I trust him just as much sitting in a strip club as I would if he were to be sitting in a church, however unlikely that is. No outside influence can cause him to break his vows to me.

Regmama

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

I think the point of this group is to welcome differing opinions, so I'm glad this was posted. Does your SO feel the same way? Would you still consider it cheating if you were to partake together as a couple?

I'm asking honestly b/c I am curious of the answer. My husband and I have been together since we were 18/19, now married for 18+ years. When I was younger I had issues with the magazines he kept. Now that I'm older I find it doesn't bother me at all.

My husband use to view porn. He was exposed to it at a very young age. I've been exposed to it myself in college. My husband and I have talked about it and how damaging it was to our selves and development (his moreso than mine). I know that for me I have ended relationships because of it. My husband had a distorted view of what love entails because of it. We want to protect our children from it and the damage that it causes, even the boys. Really, only bad and damage has come from pornography.

http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/11/65772

Regmama

Paying someone for a service is NOT using or abusing them. Have you ever met or known a stripper? I have. She regarded it as her job, just as any other job, and neither she or her husband had a problem with anything she did at work. They did appreciate the income, however. Because of the money she could earn, she and her husband were able to both be at home with their daughter, she worked three nights a week and provided for the entire family's income needs.

I'm not taking any "risk" with my marriage, my husband is trustworthy because of his behavior, not who is around him. I trust him just as much sitting in a strip club as I would if he were to be sitting in a church, however unlikely that is. No outside influence can cause him to break his vows to me.

So you have no problem with him sexually fantasizing about a woman who isn't you?

And yes, I have known and worked with strippers. There is a LOT of history of abuse. The fact that the one you know has a husband who doesn't protect his wife's body from being used so that HE doesn't have to work....well, that says a lot, imho.

Regmama

I don't necessarily see it as the stripper is getting my heart. Believe me, she gets my attention for a song or two, my money, and a smile with a few jokes. She won't get my heart though.

So, that daughter in your picture, you'll have no problem if she chooses to be a stripper when she's 18?

Every stripper is someone's daughter.

_SusieQ_

Yes, it is cheating, because one is directing one's heart toward another, not to mention it does not honor the dignity of all the individuals involved. It is 100% usery in addition to being cheating.

I think the point of this group is to welcome differing opinions, so I'm glad this was posted. Does your SO feel the same way? Would you still consider it cheating if you were to partake together as a couple?

I'm asking honestly b/c I am curious of the answer. My husband and I have been together since we were 18/19, now married for 18+ years. When I was younger I had issues with the magazines he kept. Now that I'm older I find it doesn't bother me at all.

My husband use to view porn. He was exposed to it at a very young age. I've been exposed to it myself in college. My husband and I have talked about it and how damaging it was to our selves and development (his moreso than mine). I know that for me I have ended relationships because of it. My husband had a distorted view of what love entails because of it. We want to protect our children from it and the damage that it causes, even the boys. Really, only bad and damage has come from pornography.

http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/11/65772

Thank you for responding. While I appreciate differing views as this IS a debate group, I do take issue with harsh statements such as "only bad and damage has come from pornography.". I believe this is something that every couple must determine for themselves. I know many who use it in their consensual, monogamous relationships and derive great pleasure from it. I would not classify that as dirty OR cheating.

_SusieQ_

I don't necessarily see it as the stripper is getting my heart. Believe me, she gets my attention for a song or two, my money, and a smile with a few jokes. She won't get my heart though.

So, that daughter in your picture, you'll have no problem if she chooses to be a stripper when she's 18?

Every stripper is someone's daughter.

Not that you asked me, but to be perfectly honest no, I would not have a problem if my niece (since I don't have a daughter) CHOSE to strip when she was 18. If she were forced to do it b/c of life circumstances, that would be a different issue. But if she thought it through, then I would support her.

I recently found out one of my best friends stripped for about a year when she was 20. She said she found it liberating. She didn't do it for money, she did it out of curiosity and ended up enjoying it.

LuckyLeprechaun

Paying someone for a service is NOT using or abusing them. Have you ever met or known a stripper? I have. She regarded it as her job, just as any other job, and neither she or her husband had a problem with anything she did at work. They did appreciate the income, however. Because of the money she could earn, she and her husband were able to both be at home with their daughter, she worked three nights a week and provided for the entire family's income needs.

I'm not taking any "risk" with my marriage, my husband is trustworthy because of his behavior, not who is around him. I trust him just as much sitting in a strip club as I would if he were to be sitting in a church, however unlikely that is. No outside influence can cause him to break his vows to me.

So you have no problem with him sexually fantasizing about a woman who isn't you?

And yes, I have known and worked with strippers. There is a LOT of history of abuse. The fact that the one you know has a husband who doesn't protect his wife's body from being used so that HE doesn't have to work....well, that says a lot, imho.

you assume a lot. like, assuming that because my husband is watching the show, he is fantasizing about the dancer. If he were, I'd be completely fine with it, but I'd like to know how you think you know his thoughts.

Also, why do you assume that the husband in the couple referenced "doesn't protect his wife's body from being used so that HE doesn't have to work" She is dancing, not hooking, and why can't the woman be the breadwinner? People without penises can earn money too. Support their families even. What's wrong with that?

adrian_indy

Pornography saved my marriage. If I tried to put the moves on my wife EVERY time I'm in the mood, she'd eventually murder me. Guys masterbate. Guys masterbate alot...regardless of porn. Porn just speeds up the process so I can move on and get stuff done with my day. It's not cheating.

LuckyLeprechaun

Every stripper is someone's daughter.

Yes, every human has parents. Point?

Regmama

So, why not do something else with the time you take to watch porn or strippers. Take the money you spend on that and help women who are living in battered women shelters? That would be by far more productive use of your time and money. Or do so many lack the self-control and have to have sex on the mind as much as it seems to be portrayed here?

Regmama

Every stripper is someone's daughter.

Yes, every human has parents. Point?

Point is we get rightly outraged with pedophilia and rape but not with the sources that lead someone to commit those crimes?

LuckyLeprechaun

So, why not do something else with the time you take to watch porn or strippers. Take the money you spend on that and help women who are living in battered women shelters? That would be by far more productive use of your time and money. Or do so many lack the self-control and have to have sex on the mind as much as it seems to be portrayed here?

you spend NO time on entertainment? You must be like a frickin barrel of monkeys to live with.

LuckyLeprechaun

Every stripper is someone's daughter.

Yes, every human has parents. Point?

Point is we get rightly outraged with pedophilia and rape but not with the sources that lead someone to commit those crimes?

Pedophiles and rapists commit crimes because they're dangerous criminals. Porn or stripping is not at fault.

Regmama

Pedophiles and rapists commit crimes because they're dangerous criminals. Porn or stripping is not at fault.

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2011/09/3767

summalovaable

So, why not do something else with the time you take to watch porn or strippers. Take the money you spend on that and help women who are living in battered women shelters? That would be by far more productive use of your time and money. Or do so many lack the self-control and have to have sex on the mind as much as it seems to be portrayed here?

Trust me, if you repress sexual instinct for too long there might be MORE women in battered shelters. So giving your money to a woman's shelter rather than giving in to sexual urges seems counter productive.

To the OP, it certainly is not cheating. I think woman who consider it "cheating" have never had to face the alternative option: ACTUAL cheating. We all have fantasies and needs, some of us just don't have someone willing to fulfill them every second of every day.

However, if you are going to a strip club you should be comfortable enough in your marriage to tell your wife (not ask permission). Or perhaps, bring your wife along one time. I've been to strip clubs with other girls and guys. And honestly, it's a blast. I don't blame them for going, it was the most fun I've had in awhile.

katatak1

Pedophiles and rapists commit crimes because they're dangerous criminals. Porn or stripping is not at fault.

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2011/09/3767

I actually joined this group so I could comment-- the argument you present, as well as the argument in that source is fallacious. It's a specious argument which even the "article" state that "no researcher has yet published a study that uses empirical science to validate the link between adult and child pornography." This is very, very problematic for your claim.

They say it has been observed by people in the field, but as a research psychologist and statistician, there are two things I have to say about this.
1) The plural of anecdote is not data!
2) Truly shocking and disturbing things stick out in our minds and make us think they occur more often then they actually do. This is evolutionary in that we should avoid negative things, so our mind makes them seem more real, like they happen more often. For example, how many times have you heard about recipients committing welfare fraud? All the time, right? Well no... of all the cases of welfare fraud, only 7% were actually committed by the recipients- and that's of the cases in which fraud was committed, a small percentage of all those who receive welfare. The same is going on here. Some people think- oh geez, this happens all the time! No, it doesn't.

What the internet, and internet porn Does do is this: provide people who already have a problem with something with access to what they are addicted to. Watching adult porn doesn't give people pedophillic thoughts. I love porn... big fan... never once have I had a wrong thought about children. Again, that's an anecdote, but until you find a study with real data, your argument is fallacious.

Think about it this way- where do pill addicts get their fix? Pharmacies. Where do food addicts get their fix? McDonald's. Where do shopping addicts get their fix? The mall. All these places exist for valid reasons, but some people take advantage of that to feed their addictions. Does that mean we should outright ban them all? Or call all who use those services sinners? Nah, not really.

My ex and I used to watch porn frequently, and it helped to spice up our love life. It gave us new scenarios to play out, new things to try. After 5 years, it brought back romance, it was fun. I still enjoy it, though I mostly stick to written stories. As someone said before- people *kitten*, porn just gives you a quicker way to get it done. Case solved. Sorry for the long reply

Regmama

I look at myself as a whole, not just focusing on my sexual pleasure. I follow the thinking that I am not just physical but also spiritual and see sexuality through the lense of the Theology of the Body. Making love with my husband is about giving of one's self 100%, body and soul. Sorry, I don't buy the excuses all of you have been presenting and I really find it difficult to believe that so many have a lack of imagination that they need outside people to spice up their bedrooms. Really, there is so much greater out there than what you've settled for.

Grimmerick

ok does anyone else find it amusing that someone talking about self control with chemical urges is doing it on a website for weightloss. If self control over our bodily functions and urges was that easy we wouldn't need this website would we