I feel like a joke.

kaiteggert

I used to be bulimic. I was very hardcore about it for the longest time and was in outpatient rehab at the Hershey Medical Center Adolescent Eating Disorders Clinic for about 9 months when I left to do the Disney College Program. While on the college program, I did very well. I may have relapsed once or twice, but I felt great. I moved home to graduate and then moved back to Florida to work. Flash forward to now--I'm at the heaviest point I've ever been, and I feel like saying I was ever bulimic is quite ironic, considering I'm pretty much a whale now. I mean that--I weigh over 200 lbs. The last time I had the nerve to step on the scale, it said 205.

My question is this--how do you stay motivated to do better, whether you're like me (a little bit too "recovered," without trying to offend anyone...) or you're in the throes of the disorders and trying to work your way back to a healthy lifestyle. One day I wake up feeling amazing, like I'm going to conquer the world and I'm going to reach a healthy goal, and the next I feel like I'm absolutely worthless and I'm not going to do anything but get bigger.

I'm not a failure, but I feel like one. Any advice?

echoica

eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes! i am 300lbs and have struggled for 15 years...first an, then bn and now bed. are you having issues with binging??

kaiteggert

Some days I do have issues with bingeing. For the most part though it's just trying to stay within my calorie range, which is 1320. I just need to learn how to get off my @$$ and do something! My boyfriend sometimes has a tendency to not be so motivating (he eats a lot of junk and favorite hobbies are gaming and watching movies), and we always say we're going to try and never do. I'm sorry about the negative post...I just see all these pictures of people who are looking FANTASTIC and I just want so badly to be like them. I guess I'm just not used to hard work and discipline. I need to get there.

echoica

i think you should stop comparing yourself to others...that would be a good first step in gaining a more positive outlook and motivation start with writing one thing down a day that you DO like about yourself whether that be physical or not. keep the list close by for the days you are feeling bad about yourself.

as far as getting active have you tried the wii? i bought one not too long ago along with just dance 3 and the wii fit and they are really fun workouts!

newyorkparislondon

Yes, comparing yourself to others is a sure way to UNhappiness! It's hard not to I know, but try.

The biggest thing I see wrong with your comment is that you haven't recognised that overeating is just as difficult to overcome as any other ED, such as bulemia.

I have been binge eating ever since I was a young teenager, but only over the last year did it develop into bulemia following some pretty traumatic personal events... It's so sad that I like my body as it is now, I just hate the way I got here.

I feel like a joke sometimes too - if people only knew! Everyone just assumes that I am happy and healthy. I do generally only eat very healthily in front of people so I can understand how they wouldn't suspect a thing. Now that I understand just how damaging bulemia is to my everyday life and outlook I am determined to break this silly cycle. I am using MFP to help me maintain my weight in a positive way - wish me luck!

You had the power to recover from bulemia, you can do anything. Don't think you are a joke - you are my inspiration.

Renabee

I also feel like a joke too. I'm no longer underweight and i look healthy. So i feel like i cant have a 'real' eating disorder. I don't even call it that. No matter how many times is passed out from not eating, or how many nights i went to be starving because i was just too fat to eat, i still dont think i have a 'real eating disorder. My mom constantly tells me, 'I'm starving myself.' My stepmom. My older sisters. I shrug 'em all off, because i'm so so so afraid to be diagnosed with anything. I'm afraid my dad will make fun of me, like he does other girls with eds. So, i shrug 'em, no matter what. I tell them, i eat healthy and exercise a normal amount. When in reality, i'm restricting to 200 and below, sometimes even lower. All because, i'm afraid that i'll seem like a 'fake', i wont get help. I have a friend who also has an ed and he encourages me to fast, because he says when we're thin, we're gonna show everyone who called us fat that we can be a skinny as we want. And jeez, i hope he gets help, because he's way deeper than i am in his ed. Hi eats only 3 times a week. And he limits his self. He drinks water and Gatorade like it's his job.

All because we're afraid that we'll look like a kid who's 'faking' an ed. Because our weight is too 'normal' to be struggling. All because we're afraid of everyones opinions.

You are so much stronger. You can get through this. Dont worry about anyone else.