Question

ericjr7210

Ok, Here we go... This has been on my mind since my wife casually said that she wanted to try new things... I was not thinking sexually at all...
To give you some back ground.....You must understand that my wife does not like to openly talk about sex.... We have been together for 24 wonderful years and have been married for 16 years with 2 wonderful kids... I have asked her several times to tell me what turns her on and she just gets embarassed and stays quiet.... I told her NOTHING shock me and I will completly understand.
Now back to the conversation we were having.... At first I was not sure what she was talking about and then the discussion turned to her maybe being with another woman. I was shocked and excited at the same time... (yea, typical man I know). After a very short time I said I would be fine with that but I would at least want to be in the room. She said "No Way". I was unsure at the moment if I should be pissed off or not. I was thinking that maybe she wanted to just have the expierence and have it be something she can have to herself. But then I thought maybe she does not want me to be there as she does not either want me to join in or just does not want me watching her.... I would like her to have that expierence but I would like it to be as a couple, either me joining or not. I guess I am afraid that she may do this without me and that she would not want to do it again and include me. I know I am crazy but I also think that if she does this without I would consider that as cheating and if we did this together I would not.
My question to my MFP friends is how to get this to happen as I think this will only make us happier in our relationship...

So now I ask for your advice. Good, Bad or otherwise please tell me your thoughts.... If you want to send me a private message with your expierences that would be fine as well.

maysflower

Don't be mad or upset with her. Many women have lesbian tendencies and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or not find you attractive anymore. It just means she has finally gotten enough courage to tell you one of her "fantasies". I do agree with you that you should be part of this, and your not crazy for thinking it is not cheating if you are there. That is very normal.

I suggest you talk to her more about it and let her know that you don't feel comfortable not being there when it happens. Share your feelings about the situation with her openly and you both should be able to find a good compromise.

Good luck!

libtex

All of the questions you are asking us, you should probably be asking her. I have been with my wife for 33 years. Our relationship has always been open. This has not been about pursuing a swinging lifestyle it has been about not owning each other and not setting limits in our relationship. Forays beyond monogamy have been few. They have involved a lot of communication beforehand, during (when possible) and after. We do not have specific rules. The respect we have for each other has been a good guide. If one of us is uncomfortable with something we communicate it and find a path that does not leave anyone hurt. sometimes we have had to accept a certain level of discomfort. This is where trust and a certain level of security in yourself is important. And we constantly monitor the path to make sure that everything remains good. Actually that is important in all aspects of a relationship. Expanded intimacy is a powerful thing. In my experience it can be incredibly beautiful but like most powerful things it can also be destructive. It seems to me that the single most important tool in finding positive direction is communication. This is not as easy as it sounds because in such uncharted territories you are usually trying to figure out your feelings at the same time that you are trying to communicate them. Strong communication with a good partner is the best means of discovery. Also your feelings are not a fixed point but it is important to always let your partner know where you are emotionally and to be empathetic to where they are. Most relationships insist on both partners being in the same place all the time. That seems both extremely limiting and hard to do. Giving your partner latitude to do something that you are not entirely comfortable with is an act of love. I am not an advocate of hiding your discomfort. Put it on the table and deal with it, but don't let it automatically be a barrier.