Men abandoning children
jamk1446
Posts: 5,577 Member
This is a topic I’ve been wanting to post for sometime. I read an article in Men’s Health Magazine a few years back, I’ve been trying to locate the article but haven’t had success finding it.
The article was about 4-5 men who had been married and had a child/children during the marriage only to find out years later that the children weren’t theirs. This information either came out during divorce proceedings or the discovery lead to divorce in all the stories. These men also then abandoned the children as well.
I can sympathize with their feelings of betrayal and anger toward their ex-wives. And I understand feeling confused about the children. But these children had nothing to do with the deception and only knew these men as their fathers. A few of the men realized that and were trying to reconcile their anger and reform relationships with their kids and a couple of them just walked away entirely and had no interest in a future relationship with their children. I cannot understand abandoning children who love you and I assume you love in return and not looking back. It made me question their merit as a parent in the first place if it is so easy to pick up and walk away.
But then I wonder is that my bias as a woman? Would I feel differently toward those men if I was a man? A man can’t convince me his child is mine, I know when I’ve gotten pregnant and given birth. Someone might mix up my child with another in the hospital but that’s another story. I pretty much will always know who my children are. A man doesn’t have that guarantee.
This story has stuck with me for a long time, I’m curious to see if others will respond differently based on their gender.
The article was about 4-5 men who had been married and had a child/children during the marriage only to find out years later that the children weren’t theirs. This information either came out during divorce proceedings or the discovery lead to divorce in all the stories. These men also then abandoned the children as well.
I can sympathize with their feelings of betrayal and anger toward their ex-wives. And I understand feeling confused about the children. But these children had nothing to do with the deception and only knew these men as their fathers. A few of the men realized that and were trying to reconcile their anger and reform relationships with their kids and a couple of them just walked away entirely and had no interest in a future relationship with their children. I cannot understand abandoning children who love you and I assume you love in return and not looking back. It made me question their merit as a parent in the first place if it is so easy to pick up and walk away.
But then I wonder is that my bias as a woman? Would I feel differently toward those men if I was a man? A man can’t convince me his child is mine, I know when I’ve gotten pregnant and given birth. Someone might mix up my child with another in the hospital but that’s another story. I pretty much will always know who my children are. A man doesn’t have that guarantee.
This story has stuck with me for a long time, I’m curious to see if others will respond differently based on their gender.
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Replies
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I never understood how men, who have believed these children to have been 'theirs' and loved them and treated them as their own for years, could just up and walk away when they learn that biologically they are not related.0
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I don't understand it either. If I found out that my child was switched at the hospital, I'd be so torn whether switching back was the right thing to do or not.0
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I don't understand it either. If I found out that my child was switched at the hospital, I'd be so torn whether switching back was the right thing to do or not.
I get that too. I would want to know my "real" child but it wouldn't make me stop loving the one I had raised.0 -
I wonder what the statistics on things like that are? Do half abandon after learning the truth, 30%, 70%? I know how I'd feel, and that is not to abandon no matter how much I despised the woman who decieved me.0
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That would be an interesting statistic. I know of 5 men, either family or through work, who have found out the children they were raising were not theirs. None of them walked away, it made them worried the exes would try to use the fact to deny them parental rights. In fact, one of them only found out because the ex WANTED him to walk away and she hoped by telling him that he would.0
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Terrible as it is I don't lay all the blame at the feet of men. They have been lied to and manipulated. The reason for the entire problem is a mother who said another man was the father. The men are victims in this story, so are the children. Now it's possible for a situation like this to occur as an accident, but a woman has a responsibility to be forthwright about that at the time of the pregnancy. "Listen I've slept with another man who could possibly be the father of this baby. We'll have to do a test to be certain." But women aren't doing that because they don't want to be caught or imagine that the other guy could be the father. So they committ an unforgivable act.
It would be best if the men continued to take care of the children. But the blame goes to the mother who created the situation in the first place.0 -
Brett, I agree with you that the men were victims of deceit. And they are rightfully angry. But these children didn't do anything wrong and some of the men just dropped them like dirt. I just can't imagine my emotional attachment to a child would just cease or alternately, that it didn't, but still chose to walk away anyway to punish the mother. All that does is punish the child, and in truth, himself for denying himself the relationship.0
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YOu should read adoption forums to see what parents do when their child finds and forms a relationship with their first parents (biological parents), sometimes it's good, sometimes it's horrible. The point is that when a child is not born of a mother and father who lovingly are 100% committed to each other and their offspring messiness is bound to happen. And a lot of pain usually comes from that (some more than others). And I am saying this as an adult adoptee who loved her life but has had many emotional hurdles to over come and am still overcoming regarding my adoption and my parents' divorces and remarriages. Who knows, I may be here after the next major family party when my dad and my poppa (what I call my birth dad) are in the same place at the same time for the first time. Yes, messiness happens when one is not pure and faithful.0
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I have three daughters. 2 were my wife's from another marriage. If my wife left me tomorrow, I would still consider all three girls to be my daughters. I support them equally. I love them with all my heart and do not differentiate.
Except for in this post or when asked a direct question, most people would never know the difference. I do not refer to the older girls as "step" daughters.
If I found out there were other children out there that were mine, I would embrace them and welcome them into my family.0 -
For this very reason, my bf will not sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. He told me this from the very beginning so I would understand and NOT be surprised if we ever got to the point where it was necessary. He says even if it was his wife and the timing was right, he would just require that to protect himself and save anyone heartache.0
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If the baby was only a few months old, perhaps, but you've raised a child from birth from years i dont understand how you could abandon the child, even if you want nothing to do with the mother =/ surely you'd miss them!0
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As a father of biological and step children, there is no way I would be able to walk away in this situation. My youngest step-child is 4, I've known her since she was 18 months. I'm her daddy, and no matter what happens between her mother and I, I'm still daddy.0
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For this very reason, my bf will not sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. He told me this from the very beginning so I would understand and NOT be surprised if we ever got to the point where it was necessary. He says even if it was his wife and the timing was right, he would just require that to protect himself and save anyone heartache.
So, are you saying your boyfriend doesn't trust you at all?0 -
I think some people are just better at parent roles. Some people abandon their own biological children when things go south with the spouse. I think each case is different.0
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Some people walk away from situations when they're hurting. It's how they deal with pain. It may be selfish and cowardly, but it's how some people deal.0
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I grew up with an absentee dad, and I can say that I would have loved to have any dad around even if he wasn't my real one. It was very difficult growing up without any father figure (did have grandfathers but it wasn't the same).
Being a part of a child's life is a wonderful thing for parent and child regardless of the biological relationship.0 -
For this very reason, my bf will not sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. He told me this from the very beginning so I would understand and NOT be surprised if we ever got to the point where it was necessary. He says even if it was his wife and the timing was right, he would just require that to protect himself and save anyone heartache.
So, are you saying your boyfriend doesn't trust you at all?
No he trusts me, as much as you can trust someone you've been dating for 7 months. We've discussed it a lot and I thought the same thing at first. After he explained his reasoning a few times I finally got it. He wants to have children, plans to have children and if we were to get married and have children he would be ecstatic but it's kind of like insurance and it can protect you in the long run. If things were to go south with us, he'd have proof that the child is his.0 -
For this very reason, my bf will not sign a birth certificate without a paternity test. He told me this from the very beginning so I would understand and NOT be surprised if we ever got to the point where it was necessary. He says even if it was his wife and the timing was right, he would just require that to protect himself and save anyone heartache.
So, are you saying your boyfriend doesn't trust you at all?
No he trusts me, as much as you can trust someone you've been dating for 7 months. We've discussed it a lot and I thought the same thing at first. After he explained his reasoning a few times I finally got it. He wants to have children, plans to have children and if we were to get married and have children he would be ecstatic but it's kind of like insurance and it can protect you in the long run. If things were to go south with us, he'd have proof that the child is his.
My boyfriend have been together 7 months, as well. He's my other half, and I trust him with my life. He'd kill for me, and he knows that--should the unexpected happen--there would never be the need to prove that my child is also his because he or she simply WOULD be.
You're in a committed relationship.
If he were to sit me down tonight and tell me that if I found out that I'm expecting, he would need me to submit to a paternity test, I'd laugh in his face, be insulted, and re-evaulate the relationship.0 -
Ha! Sorry but I sympathize with the boyfriend in question.
Sure there's trust. But what's the problem? You're already in a hospital having any number of tests done, why can't there be one to actually prove paternity? I think it should be standard.
I'll be more inclined to take a woman's word for it when there aren't entire television shows dedicated to proving who the real father of a child is. Sorry ladies, but there are a LOT of you out there claiming other men fathered their children. It blows trust right out of the water. And if you have nothing at all to worry about you should have zero problem with a paternity test.0 -
Ha! Sorry but I sympathize with the boyfriend in question.
Sure there's trust. But what's the problem? You're already in a hospital having any number of tests done, why can't there be one to actually prove paternity? I think it should be standard.
I'll be more inclined to take a woman's word for it when there aren't entire television shows dedicated to proving who the real father of a child is. Sorry ladies, but there are a LOT of you out there claiming other men fathered their children. It blows trust right out of the water. And if you have nothing at all to worry about you should have zero problem with a paternity test.
I'm ok with it. It's not a big deal, it's not invasive, just a bit of bloodwork. And like I said, it's not just about trust- there could be 100% trust between us but it may come in handy in a terrible situation someday-god forbid- our child ever goes missing, we need it for a court purpose... something like that.
And I can't blame men, with some many women giving us a bad name, not knowing who the father is... I don't think it's an unreasonable request.0 -
I have to wonder if it's all the men who want to leave...maybe the women are not allowing the "father" to be in the child's life. Obviously they can't be totally honest in the first place.
People also react to situations differently. If you've discovered someone to be completely deceptive you might just need to step away from the situation, doesn't mean the man doesn't care or that he won't be back, just that he needs time.
I guess I'd just have to look at each situation and know each person to understand what all is at play.0 -
I think some people are just better at parent roles. Some people abandon their own biological children when things go south with the spouse. I think each case is different.
My father divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage. He has also completely walked away from my brother and me and all of his grandchildren. With my brother yes, there was some strife over the divorce and his new girlfriend. That didn't happen with me. He just walked away. I don't understand how ANYONE can do it.0 -
Everyone has inner demons that they have to face, some just can't bear it and walk away from everyone instead of facing the challenges that they have made for themselves. I'm sorry that your dad was so weak.I think some people are just better at parent roles. Some people abandon their own biological children when things go south with the spouse. I think each case is different.
My father divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage. He has also completely walked away from my brother and me and all of his grandchildren. With my brother yes, there was some strife over the divorce and his new girlfriend. That didn't happen with me. He just walked away. I don't understand how ANYONE can do it.0 -
Everyone has inner demons that they have to face, some just can't bear it and walk away from everyone instead of facing the challenges that they have made for themselves. I'm sorry that your dad was so weak.I think some people are just better at parent roles. Some people abandon their own biological children when things go south with the spouse. I think each case is different.
My father divorced my mom after 40 years of marriage. He has also completely walked away from my brother and me and all of his grandchildren. With my brother yes, there was some strife over the divorce and his new girlfriend. That didn't happen with me. He just walked away. I don't understand how ANYONE can do it.
I agree that it is weakness. My son's father was always a poor provider, and very abusive to me. But emotionally, a good father to his son. After a few years of being off and on- his father and I ended it. He hasn't seen his son since the week before his 4th birthday- 5 months. No phone calls or anything. He text me once or twice but has never made an effort or asked to see him. It is very hard because I know he must miss his son- but he is too lazy to make the effort. It kills me to try to find an explanation for why he misses his daddy.0 -
Maybe just let him mourn that his father doesn't want to be in his life, just let him acknowledge it. Sometimes that's all you can do. I wish more men would challenge each other and hold each other accountable. They can do that for each other better than we women can for men.
I agree that it is weakness. My son's father was always a poor provider, and very abusive to me. But emotionally, a good father to his son. After a few years of being off and on- his father and I ended it. He hasn't seen his son since the week before his 4th birthday- 5 months. No phone calls or anything. He text me once or twice but has never made an effort or asked to see him. It is very hard because I know he must miss his son- but he is too lazy to make the effort. It kills me to try to find an explanation for why he misses his daddy.0 -
Maybe just let him mourn that his father doesn't want to be in his life, just let him acknowledge it. Sometimes that's all you can do. I wish more men would challenge each other and hold each other accountable. They can do that for each other better than we women can for men.
I agree that it is weakness. My son's father was always a poor provider, and very abusive to me. But emotionally, a good father to his son. After a few years of being off and on- his father and I ended it. He hasn't seen his son since the week before his 4th birthday- 5 months. No phone calls or anything. He text me once or twice but has never made an effort or asked to see him. It is very hard because I know he must miss his son- but he is too lazy to make the effort. It kills me to try to find an explanation for why he misses his daddy.
I wish we could both forget about him. I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend that cares for BOTH me and my son and would do anything for either of us. So far, he's the father my son hasn't had.
I'm just afraid that at 4 years old, telling him his dad doesn't want to be in his life will be too much, or that he will resent me as an adult. Or that when his father and I get child support resolved, he will be back in his life with visitation. I know I could have sole custody if I wanted though ;/0 -
Does his father want visitation with him?
I'm just afraid that at 4 years old, telling him his dad doesn't want to be in his life will be too much, or that he will resent me as an adult. Or that when his father and I get child support resolved, he will be back in his life with visitation. I know I could have sole custody if I wanted though ;/0 -
Does his father want visitation with him?
I'm just afraid that at 4 years old, telling him his dad doesn't want to be in his life will be too much, or that he will resent me as an adult. Or that when his father and I get child support resolved, he will be back in his life with visitation. I know I could have sole custody if I wanted though ;/
When I do try to contact his dad he gives me the " it kills me to not see him and I miss him so much" speech. Yet he lives 10 mins from us and hasn't ever asked to see him. I would probably let him if he just asked. Judging by his past character, he probably could never see him again and have no problem living his life. As I stated, I have an amazing bf that I plan to eventually marry and he has been more of a father to my son in the months that we have been dating than his realy dad. My son adores him also. If his real dad would fall off the face of the earth, it would make things much easier for all of us. He did the in and out thing for a long time and I stopped allowing that.0 -
Does his father want visitation with him?
I'm just afraid that at 4 years old, telling him his dad doesn't want to be in his life will be too much, or that he will resent me as an adult. Or that when his father and I get child support resolved, he will be back in his life with visitation. I know I could have sole custody if I wanted though ;/
When I do try to contact his dad he gives me the " it kills me to not see him and I miss him so much" speech. Yet he lives 10 mins from us and hasn't ever asked to see him. I would probably let him if he just asked. Judging by his past character, he probably could never see him again and have no problem living his life. As I stated, I have an amazing bf that I plan to eventually marry and he has been more of a father to my son in the months that we have been dating than his realy dad. My son adores him also. If his real dad would fall off the face of the earth, it would make things much easier for all of us. He did the in and out thing for a long time and I stopped allowing that.
My older kids lived with me and their dad until they were 5 and 6 (when we were divorced) and then he pretty much disappeared, I believe mostly to avoid paying child support. For my kids they were pretty much devastated by their fathers behavior that after a long while of not seeing or hearing from him I yelled at him and told him even if he wasn't going to care for his kids financially he had better at least start calling them so they don't believe that he doesn't love them anymore. He started calling after that. I think it’s the old out of sight out of mind BS. I don't know how some men can not ask to see their children. I can't wrap my mind around it.0 -
I've done everything I can to get him to come by or even call. Like I said, he lives 10 mins away and says he misses his son. I don't get it either!
Does his father want visitation with him?
I'm just afraid that at 4 years old, telling him his dad doesn't want to be in his life will be too much, or that he will resent me as an adult. Or that when his father and I get child support resolved, he will be back in his life with visitation. I know I could have sole custody if I wanted though ;/
When I do try to contact his dad he gives me the " it kills me to not see him and I miss him so much" speech. Yet he lives 10 mins from us and hasn't ever asked to see him. I would probably let him if he just asked. Judging by his past character, he probably could never see him again and have no problem living his life. As I stated, I have an amazing bf that I plan to eventually marry and he has been more of a father to my son in the months that we have been dating than his realy dad. My son adores him also. If his real dad would fall off the face of the earth, it would make things much easier for all of us. He did the in and out thing for a long time and I stopped allowing that.
My older kids lived with me and their dad until they were 5 and 6 (when we were divorced) and then he pretty much disappeared, I believe mostly to avoid paying child support. For my kids they were pretty much devastated by their fathers behavior that after a long while of not seeing or hearing from him I yelled at him and told him even if he wasn't going to care for his kids financially he had better at least start calling them so they don't believe that he doesn't love them anymore. He started calling after that. I think it’s the old out of sight out of mind BS. I don't know how some men can not ask to see their children. I can't wrap my mind around it.0
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