Struggle Today

jess1992uga

Really struggled today with something. Went to the starbuck's to get a Boost equivalent drink and I usually get a skinny latte (sugar-free syrup, skim milk). Due to some complications from a surgery, it's hard for my body to deal with milk fat so I can only drink skim milk, the sugar-free part idk why I do (probably ED related). Anyway, I watch them make my drink to make sure they use skim because I had problems b4 when they didn't and today I saw that they did regular not sugar-free syrup. Instead of doing my usual thing and just throwing out the drink (and wasting money I realize) I decided to drink it the way it was. Still my ED was just too loud to let me finish it all, but I had like 3/4 of it. I am dissapointed in myself, but I am facing a big fear food tonight and just couldn't find the courage to drink it all

cowlover22

Well I applaud you for even trying! Even if you took 2 sips that is better than none. Dont be so hard on yourself. You are not going to do everything perfect. It is the ED talking that is making you feel bad. I was like Holy **** that is great! When I read what you wrote. HAve to look at the whole picture. You tried something different and in my book you succeeded! I would have insisted they make me a different one..so kuddos to you. WAY TO GO!!!!
Now calm down and you will do fine with your food tonight..breath...

joanneonline

Jess - Drinking 3/4 of it is good, being accountable and posting it is great! Like cowlover22 said, we need to make progress - not perfection. Yes, take a breath and give yourself a hug. Just keep moving forward.

beccalucy

I'm with the others, that's a big achievement. Lots of small steps make big progress.

jess1992uga

Thanks guys...I just expect so much out of myself and sometimes I push myself more than necessary. I just freaking hate ED and hate to give him even the smallest victory, but I guess beating myself up over it is giving him an even longer victory. It's just hard bc I am supposed to be trying to gain so I can stay in school but, despite several meal plan increases, my body won't gain. All the pressure that is put on me to gain x amount in just a few weeks (won't put amt in case triggering) is making me expect so much more out of myself. Thanks for the support guys! You all are amazing

cowlover22

Thanks guys...I just expect so much out of myself and sometimes I push myself more than necessary. I just freaking hate ED and hate to give him even the smallest victory, but I guess beating myself up over it is giving him an even longer victory. It's just hard bc I am supposed to be trying to gain so I can stay in school but, despite several meal plan increases, my body won't gain. All the pressure that is put on me to gain x amount in just a few weeks (won't put amt in case triggering) is making me expect so much more out of myself. Thanks for the support guys! You all are amazing

I wont use numbers but when I left the hospital I was on a very high number of calories a day and I wasnt gaining either when I got home. More fuel..the more it burned. I was actually hot for once in my life. Anyway be patient with yourself. It takes your body some time to readjust to things. I know we all want it now. At least I do. I hate this disease more than anything and I would love for it to be gone right now. Unfortunately that isnt how it works. I didnt get this overnight and it isnt going to go away as fast.(Dont know if this makes sense.) Just keep working with your dietitian and it will work out.
So you drink ensure too?One of the things I do is take ensure (high calorie kind), mix it with some whey protein, milk and sometimes peanut butter. I can get the calories in and it doesnt mess with my head to much.

And as far as gaining whatever amt..dont worry about it. You are doing everything you can be.It will work out.Just stick with the dietitian. You really are doing an AMAZING job! I remember what it was like when I was trying fear foods. It is not easy. Just remember what your goal is and you will be fine!!

How much longer do you have in school?

jess1992uga

Guess what guys....so they didn't have the fear food I was supposed to face tonight in the dining hall because they ran out. ED was telling me just have a safe meal tonight then because what they subbed the other thing out for was sooo scary bc I didn't know the counts on it. So what did I do....I had what they subbed the fear food out for and enjoyed it. With every bite I told ED to....well to f*** off. Pardon my language but he pissed me off today

joanneonline

YOU ARE SO AWESOME!!!! Way to tell ED what he can do with it :bigsmile:

beccalucy

Wow, you really are amazing! Keep tell Ed where to get off