When others tell you otherwise

Jill_newimprovedversion

I have dealt with this issue all my life,
and I don't know how to do it anymore.


I am NOT ready to disclose *details* of things in the past other than to say that I've encountered SEVERAL situations where
someone ELSE has taken liberties that I was NOT a willing participant in-
but I have been told- REPEATEDLY- that because I had a choice to remove myself from some of these situations,
that I am partially responsible for the outcome as well.

For instance, being @ a college co-ed party, getting polluted, flirting with a guy, and then when he went further than I wanted,
that I need to own up to my part in the ending I didn't like.

PLEASE, among friends here, I need to sort this out.



This situation is very confusing to me.

kmbrooks15

First of all, you can't blame yourself when someone takes advantage of you. It doesn't matter how drunk you are, if you say NO, it means NO. If a guy forces himself on you after you've said no, it's rape, plain and simple. It doesn't matter how drunk you are.

That being said, our court system makes this difficult to prove. When a woman is drunk or otherwise wasted and is raped, people often blame the victim. Defense attorneys do a thorough job of trying to discredit the victim in order to help their client escape prison. That's their job; I personally couldn't do it, but I guess everyone is entitled to a defense.

I do think women need to be cautious about putting themselves in a position of weakness (being drunk or high) because often men use that as an excuse. Whether a woman successfully sees her attacker go to prison or not, the damage is done. But remember, rape is not about sex. It's about power and control. If it was about sex, only beautiful women who are dressed provocatively would be raped; but that's not the case. Women of all shapes, sizes, ages, appearances, etc., are victims of rape. I do think there can be high-risk behavior that possibly puts you in a situation where you are more likely to be a victim (hard to fight someone off when you're completely drunk), but that doesn't mean you deserve to be raped just because you decided to drink that night.

I don't know if I'm answering your question or not. To sum it up, I think there are behaviors that can put you more at risk, but that doesn't give the rapist an excuse to take liberties. Once a woman says NO, that's it, regardless of how drunk/high she might be.

If you are struggling this much with this issue, I'd suggest seeing a counselor to work through these issues. It doesn't even have to be a psychologist; it could be a crisis counselor at a rape crisis center. They are trained to help you deal with these types of issues. The biggest thing you have to do is find a way to let go of the guilt. It will do nothing but weigh you down, and you can't move on from this until you deal with it. I don't know the circumstances of what happened to you, but NO means NO. If you told someone to stop doing what they were doing, and they continued, they were the one in the wrong, not you.