she's pregnant....let's get married
VeganInTraining
Posts: 1,319 Member
what do you all think of the whole "my girlfriend got pregnant so we're going to get married?" Especially in situations where they are off and on or weren't even together when she got pregnant?
Is it the "right" thing to do? Is it good for the kid? Damaging for the kid? I wanna hear what you have to say
Is it the "right" thing to do? Is it good for the kid? Damaging for the kid? I wanna hear what you have to say
0
Replies
-
My thought is, yes you do need to agree to be cordial and work together to raise the kid but I think it's more harmful to get married for the kid when the relationship isn't even stable to begin with then to be raised by two individual parents. Better to have 2 parents who love you then too parents that are too busy fighting because they never should have been together to show that they love you.0
-
I 100% agree.My thought is, yes you do need to agree to be cordial and work together to raise the kid but I think it's more harmful to get married for the kid when the relationship isn't even stable to begin with then to be raised by two individual parents. Better to have 2 parents who love you then too parents that are too busy fighting because they never should have been together to show that they love you.0 -
I don't think getting pregnant is a reason to get married at all. I know someone who got his girlfriend preggo and is now having a shot gun wedding....they are doing it for the wrong reason in my opinion.
You should get married because you WANT to get married....not just cause she is pregnant. I agree with you Emily 100%.
Look at me....my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby out of wed lock. Big deal! We want to get married.....but a wedding isn't on our list of priorities at the moment. So what?? LOL We will get married when we have the money to do it......and my kids won't be damaged because of it!! LOL Marriage is but a piece of paper these days. In my eyes I'm already married. We love each other, we have solid foundation and a home and want a baby
I don't need a piece of paper to prove it!
And I don't think others need to try and prove anything either. No wonder divorce rates are so high!0 -
My thought is, yes you do need to agree to be cordial and work together to raise the kid but I think it's more harmful to get married for the kid when the relationship isn't even stable to begin with then to be raised by two individual parents. Better to have 2 parents who love you then too parents that are too busy fighting because they never should have been together to show that they love you.
As someone who was in this exact situation this is what I recommend. We hadn't been together for long and it wasn't love. She got pregnant but we were both adults and she wanted to have the child. Right then we ended any sort of romantic relationship and focused on becoming parents who get along with each other. It hasn't always been easy but had we decided to get married (we never even considered it honestly) I can only imagine the troubles we'd be having now. We do our best to cooperate and if I may brag a smidge have raised a wonderful, whip smart, brutally funny, quirky, amazing, high powered mutant of a child.
Marriage is for people in love. Raising children together is not the same thing.0 -
I was 19 and a sophomore in college when I got pregnant. My high school sweetheart and I thought we should get married.....because afterall, that was the plan anyway, right (ahhhh high school romances). So, we got married, finished school and had another child when we were 24. We stayed married for 21 years, but only because we were commited to raising our children together. When I knew the marriage was over, I just hoped to make it last long enough for our youngest to graduate from high school. He was a freshman in high school when we divorced.
I struggle with guilt because of the decisions I made. Instead of raising them in a peaceful, loving home with parents who could show them what a healthy marriage should be, we raised them in a dysfunctional home. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married and staying married, but now wished I had given both of us the chance to mature before making that decision. I think it is better to raise children in a loving, peaceful home with a single parent or step-parent than marrying someone just because you're pregnant.0 -
I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I'm married to my high school sweet heart, been together for close to 17 years. Here's my view on marriage.
Should people get married because of pregnancy. No. Then again, in 2011, if you are old enough to be having sex, with all the birth contol options, someone should slap you in the head for a suprise pregnancy if contraception was not used.
I think that people get divorced at a higher rate now because we have options. I don't see it as a moral decline in society as much humans being as selfish as they ever were. THese last few generations are the first generations in recent history where a man or woman could divorce and survive. Welfare, unemployment, more equal employment opportunities for women. In order to stay married, you have to want it. It's not like the old days on the frontier where a couple of newly weds are cutting a living out of the wilderness with 5 small children who have typhoid, rickets, or small pox. It's not like the man or wife ever got the chance to take some "me" time so they could grow as a person. That is all stuff that has grown out of living comfortably, not that I'm complaining.
Then there is this concept of "love" everyone always talks about when we get married. I think the institution of marriage has really suffered from this story book concept of romance. "I love him, I'm just not IN LOVE with him/her anymore." Grow up. I don't care who you are, but every relationship gets about 2 years of that infatuation type romantic love. Some longer, some less. During the course of a long marriage, it ebbs, it flows, but it never returns in full effect. And for good reason. Normal afults couldn't function if they acted like they did when a relationship starts for the rest of their lives. You'd end up having a heart attack. "Will she call? Where is she? Do I look ok? Did I say something wrong? Is she mad? Shoule I call her?" Can you imagine going through that crap for 50 years?0 -
You got two things in common already.
1.You were both dumb enough to engage in casual unprotected sex.
2. You have a child together.
You might be perfect for each other.0 -
So funny, but so true! When I knew I wanted to one day get married, I ditched all the romance movies, etc., and sought out happily married couples to find out what it was all about, read Christian books on marriage, etc. Since I didn't have good examples of happy, God centered marriages in my life. Wow, how much better things are when you don't let Hollywood cloud your expectations.
Then there is this concept of "love" everyone always talks about when we get married. I think the institution of marriage has really suffered from this story book concept of romance. "I love him, I'm just not IN LOVE with him/her anymore." Grow up. I don't care who you are, but every relationship gets about 2 years of that infatuation type romantic love. Some longer, some less. During the course of a long marriage, it ebbs, it flows, but it never returns in full effect. And for good reason. Normal afults couldn't function if they acted like they did when a relationship starts for the rest of their lives. You'd end up having a heart attack. "Will she call? Where is she? Do I look ok? Did I say something wrong? Is she mad? Shoule I call her?" Can you imagine going through that crap for 50 years?0 -
Absolutely not. And I could not be more thankful that I did NOT make the decision to marry when I got pregnant at 19. I thought I knew and loved the person and he did a complete 360 in the couple yers that followed.
I can't even think of a situation I know of that this has worked.0 -
I think getting married because your girl is pregnant is about the worst thing you can do. People who want to get married and are in love barely make it.Don't put your children through that. Its not fair to anyone. My parents were married very young (my mom was 16) and as a child I would do the math to see if they got married because of me. Its not good for anyone0
-
Look at me....my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby out of wed lock. Big deal! We want to get married.....but a wedding isn't on our list of priorities at the moment. So what?? LOL We will get married when we have the money to do it......
In the long run, weddings cost a whole hell of a lot less than babies.
That doesn't make sense to me, but it's not my relationship, so oh well. 0 -
Look at me....my boyfriend and I are trying to have a baby out of wed lock. Big deal! We want to get married.....but a wedding isn't on our list of priorities at the moment. So what?? LOL We will get married when we have the money to do it......
In the long run, weddings cost a whole hell of a lot less than babies.
That doesn't make sense to me, but it's not my relationship, so oh well.
Oh I know weddings cost less than babies....LOL weddings are a WAY WAY cheaper! We are just ready for a family and prefer to focus on that right now. And that works for us! It may not for some and that's cool too. I just don't think babies should be used as an excuse that s all!0 -
No. I believe this is following one mistake with another. I know a young lady whose mother forced her to marry the father(sperm donor) and it turned out awfully. Only a few years later she is already divorced, with a second child who would never have been created if the marriage wasn't forced. Yuck.0
-
Do you think religion played a part into it too?I was 19 and a sophomore in college when I got pregnant. My high school sweetheart and I thought we should get married.....because afterall, that was the plan anyway, right (ahhhh high school romances). So, we got married, finished school and had another child when we were 24. We stayed married for 21 years, but only because we were commited to raising our children together. When I knew the marriage was over, I just hoped to make it last long enough for our youngest to graduate from high school. He was a freshman in high school when we divorced.
I struggle with guilt because of the decisions I made. Instead of raising them in a peaceful, loving home with parents who could show them what a healthy marriage should be, we raised them in a dysfunctional home. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married and staying married, but now wished I had given both of us the chance to mature before making that decision. I think it is better to raise children in a loving, peaceful home with a single parent or step-parent than marrying someone just because you're pregnant.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I think rushing into a marriage because of a pregnancy is the wrong thing to do. I got pregnant in 2006 and my son was born in 2007. At the time, we considered getting married but we just weren't in that place.
Having a kid is hard whether you are married to the father or not. When my son was born, his father and I were living together and had been for some time. But it was hard to adjust to being parents together. The first year was particularly difficult, and I was actually glad we hadn't gotten married because I was ready to leave.
Fast forward to today. We are still together, having worked through the growing pains we suffered as new parents. We got married in December. When we were married, it was because we both genuinely wanted to be. At this point in our lives, it wasn't about getting married and staying together for our son, it was about two grown adults making a decision to commit to one another, for better or for worse. We stuck together for four years, unmarried. We knew we were both in it because we wanted to be, not out of some false sense of obligation to raise our son in a "traditional" family environment.0 -
Not sure what you're asking me, niner. Did religion play a part in my getting pregnant at 19? Did it play a part in my choice to get married? Did it play a part in my staying married so long? Did it play a part in my divorce? Did it play a part in the guilt I have? God "plays" into my daily life. If what you're asking me is, "Did you get pregnant because you weren't using birth control because your religion tells you not to"? The answer is no. If you're asking me if my religion dictated that since I was pregnant, I should get married, the answer is no. If you're asking me if I stayed married for so long because of my faith, the answer would be partially. If you're asking did religion play into my divorce, the answer is yes because I had to seek a nullity of marriage from the Catholic church. If you're asking me if my religion plays into the guilt I have for mistakes I've made, the answer is partially.Do you think religion played a part into it too?
Did I answer your question?0 -
Was curious about marriage based on your religion. But you answered it.Not sure what you're asking me, niner. Did religion play a part in my getting pregnant at 19? Did it play a part in my choice to get married? Did it play a part in my staying married so long? Did it play a part in my divorce? Did it play a part in the guilt I have? God "plays" into my daily life. If what you're asking me is, "Did you get pregnant because you weren't using birth control because your religion tells you not to"? The answer is no. If you're asking me if my religion dictated that since I was pregnant, I should get married, the answer is no. If you're asking me if I stayed married for so long because of my faith, the answer would be partially. If you're asking did religion play into my divorce, the answer is yes because I had to seek a nullity of marriage from the Catholic church. If you're asking me if my religion plays into the guilt I have for mistakes I've made, the answer is partially.
Did I answer your question?
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Oh dear, the answer is no. I know a couple who got pregnant in high school (she was a senior and he a junior). She had her baby before the month she graduated. That summer, he proposed to her and they got married, I think partially because it was the right thing to do. Mind you this was in a private Christian school with zero tolerance for discussions about sex and protection*. Now at 22 and 23 they are still married and have three boys. I do believe they are happy, but it may just have been the best thing for them.
My mother had me when she was 15 and never even bothered marrying my bio-dad. He was unstable and, to be polite, terribly rude to her. I hold my mom in high regards for her decision to raise me alone. My mom married a man when I was 10, who is now a wonderful father to me. He is my dad. Sometimes the right father-figure comes along later.
Marrying for the sake of the child is ridiculous. I am really worried about my brother-in-law and his girlfriend as they have a baby now. Her parents wouldn't let her consider any other options. I hope that if they do get married, they get married because they want to and not because they feel pressure to "do the right thing."
*Just pointing out the religious foundation of this cause and effect.0 -
I may be going a bit personal here, but what the hell.
My mother has been through quite a lot of tough ****, she fell pregnant with my sister at a young age and was forced to leave home because of it, she left the father and vice versa, but still everything turned out pretty well considering what happened. I myself was born into a family that was kept together because of me. And boy do I hope no kid ever has to go through it. It is better to be with a single loving parent, where that parent can find another partner rather than keeping the two together. I am speaking in mind of people who do not truly love each other, regardless of the age. If somebody was in love and had a child, I don't think they should have to get married but it is their choice to stay together. Anyway, having two mates that do not love each other and are kept together by a single child is really painful for that child. If they fight a lot, letting the child witness it, or even let them know it is happening, it can be so damaging. You have to think about how it affects the child, a family can not operate when the parents do not love each other, the basis of a relationship, and from that a family doesn't exist at all. The child will most likely feel like the weight is put onto them, if they are old enough to make decisions, they would know they are what is keeping them together and thus making them fight. On the other hand if the child is small, they know that mummy and daddy are fighting all the time, they must not love each other. It puts weight and sadness onto the child. Of course, leaving the child with one parent creates financial issues, but there are ways to get around that with things like child support.
I guess if you break up while the child is born and older, you have to give them a choice of who they want to stay with, an as a child that decision can be potentially life and heart breaking. They may see their other parent at times, but nothing is the same as living all in the same house as a happy family.
It is completely up to the two parents, after all it is their child but if you are having misconceptions about the relationship, please don't let it wait so bloody long, think about the child.0
This discussion has been closed.