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Dating as a single parent

MomsTooBig

I just don't know how to approach this tbh. I have 4 kids (full custody), and I just don't know how to start. Online method has been attempted several times, but never goes anywhere. I know it scares guys away. On one hand I empathize, on the other, a lot of the wrong ideas that they may have about dating a woman with kids are stereotypes,....too much Maury/Springer, lol.

The following scenarios are what I experienced while attempting the online dating scene. I am certainly not implying that all guys are thinking this way.

1a) I am easy (as I have lots of kids)
b) I'm looking for a 'baby daddy', support cheque (as I have many kids)
** My kids share one father, I'm not a slut, and I certainly wouldn't expect someone I just met to support my kids. I also had my tubes tied, so no 'trapping' plans lol.

2. I'm lazy, and seeking a 'sugar daddy' (pay cheque), because I'm currently not working, and receiving community support.
** Once again, not true. Everyone gets down on their luck. I'm very ambitious and well educated. I certainly wouldn't expect someone I just met to pay my bills and/or support me. Heck, even if it led to marriage I wouldn't expect that. I'd expect to be an equal.

These 2 things seem to big hinderances. Fortunately they quickly weed out the guys I don't want to be with, but I'm still left wondering how to find the guys that are decent and non-judgemental.

What I'd like right now is to find a monogamous(sp?) relationship where I live where I live, you live where you live....I pay my bills, you pay your bills,......and we get together and go out and have fun. Movies, dinner, concerts, camping etc.....just have FUN and enjoy each other's company. It used to be called dating....but this category seems to have disappeared for the single parent.

Anyone else finding this? Anyone have any suggestions?

Tracy

Replies

DMZ_1

Dating is a single mother is difficult. I have an extreme preference not to date a woman with children. I'm not ready to be a parent yet, and especially a parent of someone else's kid.

Dating is already complex enough without that wrinkle added to the mix.

BlondeLisa1

I'm not looking to date yet- I'm fairly fresh out of a 13 year relationship and am not yet the kind of girl the man I want would want to be with

(But I'm getting there!) but as I've considered my new circumstance as a single mom, there are some things I've realized about myself and what I want when the time comes to date again.

When I jump back into the ring, my kids are not coming with me! Yes, I am a mother and being a good one is one of my main goals in life, but they are not my WHOLE life. When I am with them, it is 24/7, as it should be. It's what I signed up for and the greatest calling of my life but even with sole custody, there are times they are with their dad or at school and those times are MINE.

My kids don't need to even know I'm dating. They don't need a new man to come play daddy or interfere with the remaining stability of their home life. They don't need to feel like they have to compete with someone for my time and attention. When it comes to them, I am their mom. Occasional evenings and weekends- I'm not the mom! That's when I'll look for fun and companionship.

I'm not pursuing anything serious until my kids are of age when I have taught them well enough to be independent, hard working adults who don't need their mommy to hold their hands every second of every day. - so help me, there will be no basement dwellers living at home with me playing video games!- I hope to have some exhilarating experiences in the meantime, meet a good man and hopefully have a wonderful, fulfilling long term relationship again. But that time is not now.

I hope that this ambitiously uncomplicated arrangement will work with some good men out there who are looking for casual dating and companionship. I'm not actively pursuing a relationship, nor do intend to at this stage in the game. I believe the right people will come along at the right times, I just need to be open and aware of those opportunities. Maybe at the gym, or at the park, or someone who lives in my complex who will help me jumpstart my car one day? I don't know. Maybe it's naive but I really think that God has a plan for me and will put the right man in my path when the time is right.

I'm sorry about your frustration. I hate how single moms can be dismissed as second class citizens, especially as friends and potential companions. You are amazing, I'm sure, and I hope a guy smart enough to see that will come into your life soon to be what you need him to be.

MomsTooBig

I'm not looking to date yet- I'm fairly fresh out of a 13 year relationship and am not yet the kind of girl the man I want would want to be with (But I'm getting there!) but as I've considered my new circumstance as a single mom, there are some things I've realized about myself and what I want when the time comes to date again.

When I jump back into the ring, my kids are not coming with me! Yes, I am a mother and being a good one is one of my main goals in life, but they are not my WHOLE life. When I am with them, it is 24/7, as it should be. It's what I signed up for and the greatest calling of my life but even with sole custody, there are times they are with their dad or at school and those times are MINE.

My kids don't need to even know I'm dating. They don't need a new man to come play daddy or interfere with the remaining stability of their home life. They don't need to feel like they have to compete with someone for my time and attention. When it comes to them, I am their mom. Occasional evenings and weekends- I'm not the mom! That's when I'll look for fun and companionship.

I'm not pursuing anything serious until my kids are of age when I have taught them well enough to be independent, hard working adults who don't need their mommy to hold their hands every second of every day. - so help me, there will be no basement dwellers living at home with me playing video games!- I hope to have some exhilarating experiences in the meantime, meet a good man and hopefully have a wonderful, fulfilling long term relationship again. But that time is not now.

I hope that this ambitiously uncomplicated arrangement will work with some good men out there who are looking for casual dating and companionship. I'm not actively pursuing a relationship, nor do intend to at this stage in the game. I believe the right people will come along at the right times, I just need to be open and aware of those opportunities. Maybe at the gym, or at the park, or someone who lives in my complex who will help me jumpstart my car one day? I don't know. Maybe it's naive but I really think that God has a plan for me and will put the right man in my path when the time is right.

I'm sorry about your frustration. I hate how single moms can be dismissed as second class citizens, especially as friends and potential companions. You are amazing, I'm sure, and I hope a guy smart enough to see that will come into your life soon to be what you need him to be.

I'm sorry things did not work out for you. Thirteen years is a big investment.
All I can say is it does get better (well, more manageable at least) in time. The good days will start to out number the s*** ones.

I completely agree about the kids being 'left out'. Imo kids that are put in the situation of having to call multiple men/women dad or mom respectively is wrong. I also know people who have ignored their kids and put their new love interest first,....including my mom when I was younger.

Your point is one of the reasons why I just want a boy friend/girl friend relationship (homes separate). I'd like a companion, a friend, a love interest,.....dating would be to meet my needs, not my kids. I take care of my kids, it's not up to someone else to.
If it becomes something more down the road and the gentleman wanted to become an adoptive parent, then great! It's not my goal though.

Thank you so much for your reply and support!
GL with your MFP goals (and love when you're ready!)

:flowerforyou:

Meghan0116

My son was 6 months old when I ended his father's and my 8 year relationship. I did not start dating for another 8 months and it was TOUGH. I am hypersensitive about him being around men I date so there is none of that. My dating life is separate from my family life. And it is really hard because I don't really have the energy to take care of me, a 3 year old and then maybe throwing someone else into that mix. I think we have to be upfront that we are not looking for a father for our children, contrary to some beliefs, and that our dating lives are separate from our children.

I hope you are able to find someone wonderful!

redpelk

I'm new to the group so, I hope you don't mind me posting a response. I have been dating for the last few months. I'm just starting out really. My husband died a few years ago. I can relate because some men assume that I am trying to replace my husband and find father for my son. This is simply not the case. In fact, he just can't be replaced! I don't want to replace him, I want something completely different from anything I've ever had because I have grown so much through my loss. I am a different person now! I have encountered many men that have no direction in life, no goals, and really just want to be taken care of. In this time, I have met many other single women who are quite capable of managing their families and are doing quite well. It is a shame that people in general assume these things about single mothers.

When I put myself out there, I make it very clear that I am living a good life despite what happened with my husband and I am looking for someone to share that with. I always state that I am not in a rush. I think making these things clear helps but, only investing the time to really know someone makes those things apparent. If someone truly takes the time to get to know you, then they will discover these things about you. If they are assuming these things, then, are they really worth it? It is a tremendous gift to be a parent and you want the very best for your children. So, my advice is to take your time. I also don't really discuss my son or let anyone meet him. It will take a special person for that. I have seen some of my friends use their children to win the hearts of whoever they are dating, so maybe some men are being cautious of that. (Not that you are doing that!) Although, I haven't met anyone serious yet, I have met some really good men that have taken the time to get to know me. I have made a promise to my son that I will not let anyone into our lives that is not the very best. That may mean that I have to wait a long time but, I am willing to do that for us. I hope you will find what you are looking for and you all deserve the very best!
Stefanie

Meghan0116

Great post Stefanie.

agregson1985

im a single mom, wasnt planning on being one my ex fiance decided to have a double life and i found out a week before my daughter was born, he took off and hasnt even tried to see her at all! good riddance. But ya she is 4mnths old now and i started to date but its a lot different and honestly if a guy really likes you he wont judge you if you have kids! just have to be positive. Anything is possible for those who believe right?

Aerohead21

I have been single since before my son was born. People automatically wonder where I went wrong in my life even though I am 30 (my son is 2) and I was married to his father. I think people do freak out about kids in the mix because no one wants to have a relationship - just sex. It is really not cool woth me because my first priority is being a good mother and role model. I can't just have anyone in my life or bring just anyone around him. I have to work doubly hard to impress upon him what a good relationship is and what kind of people to have around (platonically and romantically). Anyway, I feel your pain but I figure if a man is concerned about my son and decides he doesn't want to get involved in that, he isn't fully grown yet. You'll find one who will love you and your children which will be better than any of those losers who decided you weren't good enough for them. Really, as I see it, they aren't good enough for you or your kids so all the better to not give it a second thought.

agregson1985

I have been single since before my son was born. People automatically wonder where I went wrong in my life even though I am 30 (my son is 2) and I was married to his father. I think people do freak out about kids in the mix because no one wants to have a relationship - just sex. It is really not cool woth me because my first priority is being a good mother and role model. I can't just have anyone in my life or bring just anyone around him. I have to work doubly hard to impress upon him what a good relationship is and what kind of people to have around (platonically and romantically). Anyway, I feel your pain but I figure if a man is concerned about my son and decides he doesn't want to get involved in that, he isn't fully grown yet. You'll find one who will love you and your children which will be better than any of those losers who decided you weren't good enough for them. Really, as I see it, they aren't good enough for you or your kids so all the better to not give it a second thought.

you couldnt have said it better!

BlondeLisa1

im a single mom, wasnt planning on being one my ex fiance decided to have a double life and i found out a week before my daughter was born, he took off and hasnt even tried to see her at all! good riddance. But ya she is 4mnths old now and i started to date but its a lot different and honestly if a guy really likes you he wont judge you if you have kids! just have to be positive. Anything is possible for those who believe right?

RIGHT!

MomsTooBig

I'm new to the group so, I hope you don't mind me posting a response. I have been dating for the last few months. I'm just starting out really. My husband died a few years ago. I can relate because some men assume that I am trying to replace my husband and find father for my son. This is simply not the case. In fact, he just can't be replaced! I don't want to replace him, I want something completely different from anything I've ever had because I have grown so much through my loss. I am a different person now! I have encountered many men that have no direction in life, no goals, and really just want to be taken care of. In this time, I have met many other single women who are quite capable of managing their families and are doing quite well. It is a shame that people in general assume these things about single mothers.

When I put myself out there, I make it very clear that I am living a good life despite what happened with my husband and I am looking for someone to share that with. I always state that I am not in a rush. I think making these things clear helps but, only investing the time to really know someone makes those things apparent. If someone truly takes the time to get to know you, then they will discover these things about you. If they are assuming these things, then, are they really worth it? It is a tremendous gift to be a parent and you want the very best for your children. So, my advice is to take your time. I also don't really discuss my son or let anyone meet him. It will take a special person for that. I have seen some of my friends use their children to win the hearts of whoever they are dating, so maybe some men are being cautious of that. (Not that you are doing that!) Although, I haven't met anyone serious yet, I have met some really good men that have taken the time to get to know me. I have made a promise to my son that I will not let anyone into our lives that is not the very best. That may mean that I have to wait a long time but, I am willing to do that for us. I hope you will find what you are looking for and you all deserve the very best!
Stefanie

Thank you so much Stephanie! I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm also very proud of you for coming through so strongly & grounded. I agree, being able to make yourself clear about not wanting to rush, and that you don't want to 'replace' a parental figure is important, and I guess that's where I have to maybe change my 'normal' ways of getting myself 'out there'. I'll have to try something other then online like join the gym, a team, volunteer, etc to meet people.

When online dating, if you mention in your ad (about kids, not wanting to be supported, not wanting to rush etc), it scares people away because you gave too much info, but if you don't,...then they make those 'assumptions' about you because you didn't include any info. All you do is find (and lose) the no good ones

:laugh:

My ex and I broke up in 2003. I saw him on/off after that because I believed he was the only one who would ever love me,.....that I was unloveable/touchable to all other men.
It took several years, but I know that that isn't true, and I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I finalized the divorce 2 years ago, and am ready to date again.

While I'm open to the possibility of meeting that special someone now,... I'm not going to aggressively pursue it either as I will find too many undesirables. I've seen too many go down that road and 'settling' out of fear of not finding anyone else. It's not fair to them, and in the long run their kids. A mom's needs are important, but are also second only to those of her kids.

I'm lonely, but I know it will be worth it when Mr Right FINALLY comes along!
....hmm, maybe at the concert I'm going to next month! lol :happy:

MomsTooBig

im a single mom, wasnt planning on being one my ex fiance decided to have a double life and i found out a week before my daughter was born, he took off and hasnt even tried to see her at all! good riddance. But ya she is 4mnths old now and i started to date but its a lot different and honestly if a guy really likes you he wont judge you if you have kids! just have to be positive. Anything is possible for those who believe right?

I'm sorry about your situation, and I empathize. My ex did the same thing to me (more then once), and here I am now with the 4. They have not seen him in nearly 2 years now. I don't get how a parent can abandon their child (men or women).

Anyways, thank you for the encouragement, and congrats on your bravery to date again. It took me way too long to get to that point, so I applaud you for taking control of your live life and getting back on the horse!

Some days my heart and mind get doubtful....but my soul agrees with you...I believe!

MomsTooBig

I have been single since before my son was born. People automatically wonder where I went wrong in my life even though I am 30 (my son is 2) and I was married to his father. I think people do freak out about kids in the mix because no one wants to have a relationship - just sex. It is really not cool woth me because my first priority is being a good mother and role model. I can't just have anyone in my life or bring just anyone around him. I have to work doubly hard to impress upon him what a good relationship is and what kind of people to have around (platonically and romantically). Anyway, I feel your pain but I figure if a man is concerned about my son and decides he doesn't want to get involved in that, he isn't fully grown yet. You'll find one who will love you and your children which will be better than any of those losers who decided you weren't good enough for them. Really, as I see it, they aren't good enough for you or your kids so all the better to not give it a second thought.

Wow, very nicely put!

Although I'm not pushing for an instant marriage/move in relationship, I'm certainly not willing to settle for a casual (sex only) relationship. Not because of my kids, but because I DESERVE better then that. I believe in being with one at a time (all I can handle! lol) If it doesn't work out,...try again down the road. If it does develop and grow into more......terrific!

This used to be considered dating or boyfriend/girlfriend did it not? Or am I too old and this term doesn't exist anymore? LOL

agregson1985

im a single mom, wasnt planning on being one my ex fiance decided to have a double life and i found out a week before my daughter was born, he took off and hasnt even tried to see her at all! good riddance. But ya she is 4mnths old now and i started to date but its a lot different and honestly if a guy really likes you he wont judge you if you have kids! just have to be positive. Anything is possible for those who believe right?

I'm sorry about your situation, and I empathize. My ex did the same thing to me (more then once), and here I am now with the 4. They have not seen him in nearly 2 years now. I don't get how a parent can abandon their child (men or women).

Anyways, thank you for the encouragement, and congrats on your bravery to date again. It took me way too long to get to that point, so I applaud you for taking control of your live life and getting back on the horse!

Some days my heart and mind get doubtful....but my soul agrees with you...I believe!

it was for the best, i found out after he did the same thing to two of his ex's who he also has kids with and he ran away from them disgusting! He obviously doesnt have a conscience. But yup now im single and the man who wants to change that better be effing amazing! hahaha

mutt12345

I am very nervous about the dating thing myself. Dad with four kids a dog. I am not sure what direction to go.

BlondeLisa1

I am very nervous about the dating thing myself. Dad with four kids a dog. I am not sure what direction to go.

I see a dad with kids in his life and think "Good for him for taking responsibility and being a dad instead of walking away like some do!"

Also, the dog works in your favor. :happy: Unless it's a little yappy dog. :grumble:

Z_I_L_L_A

Not all guys are that way, the ones that were hurt in the past are very guarded. They don't want to be hurt again. I guess I'm talking about me. I was married for 17 years right out of high school. I never cheated or even thought about it because I didn't want to hurt my family. I thought she was the one I would rock the grand kids with on the front porch. I thought she was soul mate. I worked my tail off, didn't do drugs, did housework, never told her no, never saw my paycheck, anything she wanted I would do.

She contracted GBS and spent a long time(4 months) in ICU and 2 months of rehab, I did it all while she was fighting this. I took care of the kids, bills, worked and still went to the hospital to be with her. When she finally came out things changed. She had an affair and I said I would let it go if she wanted to make it work. She drug it out 2 more years like she was waiting for some body to take her away and take care of her.

So she found some one remarried 1 month after we divorced. Broke the kid's hearts. I kept my mouth shut the whole time. Took my anti-depressants and other meds that would knock a horse out. Daughter said daddy you gotta come out of this, we need you back.

Long story I know, my thinking is, my kids keep me busy enough and happy. I'm not looking for love, I was hurt bad enough that I feel there isn't a soul mate for me. If love finds me then I'm okay with it. Being a single parent is a struggle when the X doesn't help in anyway too. But as long as I can have fun with my kids and they love me then I'm happy. Also everybody has baggage that some people aren't willing to take on because of their own problems are too great.

I wish you the best in all your goals, keep fighting single mom you're not alone.

agregson1985

Not all guys are that way, the ones that were hurt in the past are very guarded. They don't want to be hurt again. I guess I'm talking about me. I was married for 17 years right out of high school. I never cheated or even thought about it because I didn't want to hurt my family. I thought she was the one I would rock the grand kids with on the front porch. I thought she was soul mate. I worked my tail off, didn't do drugs, did housework, never told her no, never saw my paycheck, anything she wanted I would do.

She contracted GBS and spent a long time(4 months) in ICU and 2 months of rehab, I did it all while she was fighting this. I took care of the kids, bills, worked and still went to the hospital to be with her. When she finally came out things changed. She had an affair and I said I would let it go if she wanted to make it work. She drug it out 2 more years like she was waiting for some body to take her away and take care of her.

So she found some one remarried 1 month after we divorced. Broke the kid's hearts. I kept my mouth shut the whole time. Took my anti-depressants and other meds that would knock a horse out. Daughter said daddy you gotta come out of this, we need you back.

Long story I know, my thinking is, my kids keep me busy enough and happy. I'm not looking for love, I was hurt bad enough that I feel there isn't a soul mate for me. If love finds me then I'm okay with it. Being a single parent is a struggle when the X doesn't help in anyway too. But as long as I can have fun with my kids and they love me then I'm happy. Also everybody has baggage that some people aren't willing to take on because of their own problems are too great.

I wish you the best in all your goals, keep fighting single mom you're not alone.

there is someone out there for everyone, just make yourself happy and your kids then one day out of the blue the women your suppose to be with show up. I read in a book about soul mates (im not that religious but i believe this) when god created our souls there is a male and a female version aka soul mates but as one soul experiences life the other soul stays behind on the other side and waits for them to come they dont usually experience life together, So therefore we dont have soul mates on this side! so she wasnt your soul mate and you will find someone who deserves you and your kids! and will make u even happier then ur ex did!! in the meantime have fun thats what im doing. Focusing on myself and my daughter! Im single and someone amazing will have to change that haha

MomsTooBig

Not all guys are that way, the ones that were hurt in the past are very guarded. They don't want to be hurt again. I guess I'm talking about me. I was married for 17 years right out of high school. I never cheated or even thought about it because I didn't want to hurt my family. I thought she was the one I would rock the grand kids with on the front porch. I thought she was soul mate. I worked my tail off, didn't do drugs, did housework, never told her no, never saw my paycheck, anything she wanted I would do.

She contracted GBS and spent a long time(4 months) in ICU and 2 months of rehab, I did it all while she was fighting this. I took care of the kids, bills, worked and still went to the hospital to be with her. When she finally came out things changed. She had an affair and I said I would let it go if she wanted to make it work. She drug it out 2 more years like she was waiting for some body to take her away and take care of her.

So she found some one remarried 1 month after we divorced. Broke the kid's hearts. I kept my mouth shut the whole time. Took my anti-depressants and other meds that would knock a horse out. Daughter said daddy you gotta come out of this, we need you back.

Long story I know, my thinking is, my kids keep me busy enough and happy. I'm not looking for love, I was hurt bad enough that I feel there isn't a soul mate for me. If love finds me then I'm okay with it. Being a single parent is a struggle when the X doesn't help in anyway too. But as long as I can have fun with my kids and they love me then I'm happy. Also everybody has baggage that some people aren't willing to take on because of their own problems are too great.

I wish you the best in all your goals, keep fighting single mom you're not alone.

Wow, you are truly an inspiration! I am so very sorry about your situation. Not quite the same circumstances of course, but what you describe (how you felt about her, attitude about the relationship, and being single with the kids) honestly brought a tear to my eye as that's pretty close to how I felt about my ex.

I will never for the life of me understand why people give up a 'good thing' for something way less. I also don't understand (nor do I want to), justifying abandoning a child(ren).

I'm scared about being hurt again, but I'm at the point now where I have to believe that my ex was not a representation of every guy, and being in love again (even if not forever), has to feel better then being alone forever. My kids are my priority, but I'm forcing myself to remember is that they will be grown up and with their own lives someday.

I'm trying to find a 'half-way' point, ....putting myself out there so to speak (can't win a lottery if you don't play), but not aggressively (not going to hit the early and late sessions at the bingo hall on the daily) lol

Thank you so much for posting. My hope in mankind has been renewed!

Tracy

BlondeLisa1

Boy, your story hits close to home. It's almost the same with me. 12+ years together, nursed him through tumors and heart surgeries, following his work from place to place, trying to keep it together when he'd spend his paycheck before I saw it only to find out he'd been cheating on me. Now I'm a single mom with sole custody of my three and trying not to let my issues hurt the kids as they hurt from it all.

I still think there is someone out there for me, though. Right now, my kids and just holding things together is enough. My heart hurts for your kids, watching their mother act that way. They are lucky to have you to be their rock and just love them. You are lucky to have them to live for, to get you out of bed each day.

I'm grateful and sad that I'm not in this boat alone.

Z_I_L_L_A

I kept saying to myself, what did I do wrong to make this happen, what could I have done more? I went once to a counselor and she said maybe its not you, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, maybe its her. I said, well why did it take her this long to figure out she didn't want me anymore? It hurt so bad I didn't think I could come out of that low place. Then the little one got in my head, I would do anything for my kids, they are what brought me back from the edge. They are why I'm here, why I'm losing weight and getting in shape. I love them with all my heart, its great being a dad. Didn't mean to get off topic, but thats me.

Sauchie

I've been a single parent for 14years. I don't bring guys around my daughter unless it's serious like dating them almost half a year. I date for me to go out and have a good time... It's like hi I took care of mine, Don't really need you to but if it gets that serious you talk about it then... Lay cards out on the table on day one. Thats what i am doing.

Z_I_L_L_A

I'm in a mode now like its to much trouble or hassle to date. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to be around another adult outside of work and a break from the kids. But I just don't have the time to, unless they want to workout with me in the gym, lol. I'm too involved with the kids sports, their school, taking care of the house and yard, etc. things that two people usually do in a family. more people depend on me outside of me and my kids too. I just don't see how you have the time. Idk, just frustrated about the whole dating thing right now.

Sauchie

I'm in a mode now like its to much trouble or hassle to date. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to be around another adult outside of work and a break from the kids. But I just don't have the time to, unless they want to workout with me in the gym, lol. I'm too involved with the kids sports, their school, taking care of the house and yard, etc. things that two people usually do in a family. more people depend on me outside of me and my kids too. I just don't see how you have the time. Idk, just frustrated about the whole dating thing right now.

I go out one night a week just for a me night. If i go out with another person its awesome if not. I still need the night off. i tend to date single parents. Its just easier.

thekacks

I definitely am on a "no dating" mode right now. I have a friend that keeps trying to push me to date him and it's hard... I don't want to ruin the friendship... and my boys adore him... but I do not want him or anyone in that way at this point. I just want to focus on me right now. I do miss having a man around here and there... but mostly I can do everything for myself anyways (and some things even better hehehe)