Dangerland (***Trigger Warning***)
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skywa
Posts: 901 Member
[ALL NUMBERS REMOVED BY MOD AND REPLACED WITH X - TRIGGERING]
I'm sure you've heard the phrase before. Maybe i'm being dramatic. Cliche even, calling it that. Dangerland.
The moment my BMI drops that little bit more, and I'm officially consdered medically "underweight".
I'm only x lbs away. Yet x lbs seems like a lot to me right now. I'm maintaining x atm, and i guess thats okay, but with x so close, it seems like a lot. I just want to leave the x's already. I want x because its more than a weight to me now, its not just a number. Its a combination of numbers, with numerous meaning. X also means X, it also means 100 less calories a day, it also means x inches. All these important numbers just x lbs away from me.
Am i sounding crazy obsessing over numbers like this? Dont answer that.
Well here i am, haunting by these x lbs (i hate the number x so much too, ugh), and i can't even seem to control myself. I have been restricting a bit i guess, only a bit, and i guess it caught up to me, and i ate a lot last night. I'm still maintaining but i'm scared. X lbs is enought for me to have to lose. I cant afford to gain anymore when I'm so close. I dont know why i couldnt control myself last night. I wasn't even hungry. I feel bad for not purging actually, but Jordan was watching me.
Why do i even want this though? I wanted to lose weight the healthy way, and be a healthy weight, and get in shape. Yet here i am, obsessing over numbers again, wanting desperately to be underweight. Wanting x, but secretely dreaming about a much lower number, and preaching about health, and eating the proper amount of calories. When in actuality, all i want is to eat less, so so so much less. Until i starve starve starve myself into the body of my dreams. That unacheivable body of my dreams.
Ugh, i just feel really ****ed in the head lately.
I'm sure you've heard the phrase before. Maybe i'm being dramatic. Cliche even, calling it that. Dangerland.
The moment my BMI drops that little bit more, and I'm officially consdered medically "underweight".
I'm only x lbs away. Yet x lbs seems like a lot to me right now. I'm maintaining x atm, and i guess thats okay, but with x so close, it seems like a lot. I just want to leave the x's already. I want x because its more than a weight to me now, its not just a number. Its a combination of numbers, with numerous meaning. X also means X, it also means 100 less calories a day, it also means x inches. All these important numbers just x lbs away from me.
Am i sounding crazy obsessing over numbers like this? Dont answer that.
Well here i am, haunting by these x lbs (i hate the number x so much too, ugh), and i can't even seem to control myself. I have been restricting a bit i guess, only a bit, and i guess it caught up to me, and i ate a lot last night. I'm still maintaining but i'm scared. X lbs is enought for me to have to lose. I cant afford to gain anymore when I'm so close. I dont know why i couldnt control myself last night. I wasn't even hungry. I feel bad for not purging actually, but Jordan was watching me.
Why do i even want this though? I wanted to lose weight the healthy way, and be a healthy weight, and get in shape. Yet here i am, obsessing over numbers again, wanting desperately to be underweight. Wanting x, but secretely dreaming about a much lower number, and preaching about health, and eating the proper amount of calories. When in actuality, all i want is to eat less, so so so much less. Until i starve starve starve myself into the body of my dreams. That unacheivable body of my dreams.
Ugh, i just feel really ****ed in the head lately.
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Replies
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I'm speechless, I don't know how to even explain how much I understand all you wrote ;/
I relate so much to this
I wish I found a solution to this, to help us0 -
I totally understand..I wrote a blog about this before. Numbers..everything is numbers and for what.Well for whatever reason it is your way of coping with something. We focus on those things so we dont have to focus on others. Usually people accosiate good with losing weight so when you see the numbers go down you feel goo, think you are good and are not dealing with whatever. You are not Fed in the head, but do you have anyone to talk to about this? And honestly I used to think when I hit XXlbs I would be happy. I wasnt so I lowered it to XXlbs. and kept going. Because the disease they tell me I am underweight but truthfully I dont believe it because i dont see what they see. Dont go down that road there is so much more to life....
And I never did get happy at my lowest..just almost died.0
