What's Perfect Timing?

PedmomJill

How do I tell a guy I'm dating, who is in good shape and has never had a weight problem, that I used to be quite heavy? I've been at my current weight for months but still want to lose a little more. I don't feel comfortable at this point (only 3 dates so far) telling him anything now. But at some point if we keep seeing each other, he's going to see pictures of me looking, uh, not like I do now. I"m afraid he'll think I'm going to get fat again once I have a boyfriend.

Same with smoking. I quit smoking only 7 weeks ago. For health reasons I know I CAN'T smoke again (unless I want to have a stroke!) so I know I won't ever smoke again.

Has anyone dealt with this? I haven't dated in years and I have no idea. I don't want to scare him off but I feel like I'm not being very open and honest if I don't tell him.......

Carl01

Just work it into a conversation...if there is a commercial about a weight loss product say "I did it this way instead..."

agregson1985

tell him! he should be proud of you for loosing all that weight! if he is going to judge you because you were bigger before it just shows you hes a douche! Never hide who you are for anyone, be yourself and if they dont like it you dont wanna be with the anyways! And good job for loosing all that weight! what did you do?

cdngirl71

Just work it into a conversation...if there is a commercial about a weight loss product say "I did it this way instead..."

^^This!! You should be proud of the weight you have lost and what you have accomplished. If he can't take it, well then he is not the one for you!!

PedmomJill

Thanks you guys. I guess to me it just seems like common sense would be to think "gee, she was fat before, now she got thinner and got a boyfriend, so she'll stop trying". *I* know I won't because I didn' t lose weight in order to find a boyfriend. I lost it for me and how I want to feel about myself. Ugh. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens.

I joined Weight Watchers in 12/2010 and lost about 50 by 8/2011. Took a month's break (from tracking, not from eating healthy and exercising) and lost 17 more from 9/2011-11/2011. Now I've been "stuck" at my current weight for over two months, but as I said, I quit smoking so I'm okay. I'm only up a few pounds! I also started working out in 4/2011 again.

La_Amazona

i don't even know if i'd bring it up.. i haven't thought about that. on fb i've taken off old fat pics just because that's not me anymore.

i guess if it came up i'd say something but i wouldn't be worried about it. that's the old you!

psmd

I'm kinda dating someone and he's noticed from a couple of older pictures that I've lost some weight and so far I've just been downplaying it, "yeah a little." I've lost 30 pounds or so but he doesn't need to know the exact number, in my opinion. He looks like he's lost a little weight too (like 10-15 pounds) from older pictures so who cares, right?

Also regarding your plateau--I think it's smart to take time off and just try to maintain, I did that for two months after the first 20 pounds and plan to do it again after the next 20 pounds. Helps for a lot of reasons, but in any case don't get frustrated over it, it will eventually pass.

christine24t

I went through FB and deleted some TERRIBLE photos of me, but I left a lot up there, because they're memories of my college days and I don't wanna lose them even though I was fat in them.

I think he has to notice that you eat healthy and exercise. If that comes up, how you eat healthy, say, "A few months before I met you, I lost X amount of pounds and I'm trying to maintain that loss." To reassure him, you could say, "I'm still working hard to maintain this weight now/lose more."

MissingMinnesota

I straight up told the guy I am "talking to". One of the first things we were talking about is exercise and he always tells me its a turn on that I work out and not just cardio. He finds me sexy but I still have body issues so I explained them to him. He was just like okay and went on about how that isn't who I am now so it doesn't matter. I think its probably more of an issue for you then what he will actually think.

AllanMisner

Why do you feel compelled to tell him? Are you going to detail all of your prior sexual encounters, drug use, grade point average, and the time you dropped the pop fly and lost the little league game? You are who you are today. If he asks, answer truthfully.

Katefab26

Honestly, if he has a problem with you because you used to be overweight, then he's got issues. I would think it's a plus that you worked hard to get to that weight and that you are working to keep it off. He should see that as an indication of your determination to succeed and the value you place on your health. I really doubt he's going to care anyway. You're beautiful!

La_Amazona

i just got through chatting with a guy on POF who's lost 150 lbs. He told me when we were conversating about fitness and working out...

Thought of this thread when he said it!

I didn't bring up my weight loss.. just said I was on a fitness journey and almost at goal.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

tell him! he should be proud of you for loosing all that weight! if he is going to judge you because you were bigger before it just shows you hes a douche! Never hide who you are for anyone, be yourself and if they dont like it you dont wanna be with the anyways! And good job for loosing all that weight! what did you do?

^^ this...

EmilyLStuart

I have my highest weight (240) and my before pics posted on MFP. I did that because I set this up as a fitness and health site and never had guys in mind, or else I would have certainly withheld my old weight and pics!

However...even with my old weight public, and my horrible pics on here, I've been approached by numerous men...and some of them, well, quite freakin hot! Some seriously hot...which suprises me given my old stuff being known. But that's not who I am now, and they can see that.

I think you should tell him. If he is a kind person he will look at it as an amazing accomplishment that you worked hard for, and he will admire you for that. He might even be proud of you

NeedANewFocus

I agree with the collective. I dont feel its necessary or required that you tell him where you came from. In getting to know you, when the topic comes up, it should be a topic of interest and pride for you. Show confidence in your success and if he decides to fly becuase of a past he wasnt even apart of then he has his own issues and you are better off without his negativity in your life.

You are a beautiful woman and no one has power to belittle your chosen lifestyle today or "yesterday". Live powerfully friend! :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

I agree with the collective. I dont feel its necessary or required that you tell him where you came from. In getting to know you, when the topic comes up, it should be a topic of interest and pride for you. Show confidence in your success and if he decides to fly becuase of a past he wasnt even apart of then he has his own issues and you are better off without his negativity in your life.

You are a beautiful woman and no one has power to belittle your chosen lifestyle today or "yesterday". Live powerfully friend! :flowerforyou:

this^^ I dont think you should ever 'worry' about how you were. You dont need to sign a guarantee about anything!! Relationships are always work in progress, just like we all are. If you decide to get fat, smoke again, do drugs, preach the bible or whatever, in the future, then that is something you will both face as and when. Just live in the present, don't worry about the past and let the future take care of itself.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

mymelody_78

I don't think there is perfect timing but when men ask me when my last serious relationship was or why I am single, I usually tell them that I have lost a good amount of weight in the last year. Most of the men seem to respect and even appauld me for what I have accomplished. It give us something to talk about and I let them know that I have done it in a healthy way and learned a lot about myself in the process which has helped me know what to do if I gain weight in the future.

ElementalMoe

Whenever I go on dates, if the topic goes to working out or weight loss, I tell them flat out that I was 260 pounds at one point. I think it's an excellent way to weed out the douche bags. If he doesn't like the concept that you used to be heavier, he doesn't deserve you as your are now (Because THAT is what's on the table, not what you USED to be). He should either accept you as you are and what you've accomplished, or move on.

I still have a soft spot for someone who loved me when I was that heavy, because he truly loved me for me, not what I looked like or what I've become. Shame he was already married to someone else!

PedmomJill

Now that it's been awhile I have told him that I decided to live a more healthy life last year. There were other factors besides losing weight; I also quit smoking and cut back on alcohol. I think I saw a glint of concern, but more for the smoking than the weight thing lol. (I will NEVER go back to smoking-I am just starting to run and LOVE it).

So I think I was right to be concerned, but I am not divulging any of the pics from when I was at my heaviest. Probably ever. LOL

JanieJack

Whenever I go on dates, if the topic goes to working out or weight loss, I tell them flat out that I was 260 pounds at one point. I think it's an excellent way to weed out the douche bags. If he doesn't like the concept that you used to be heavier, he doesn't deserve you as your are now (Because THAT is what's on the table, not what you USED to be). He should either accept you as you are and what you've accomplished, or move on.

This is a tough thread for me to read... I want someone to love me as I am, but on the other hand, I never weighed 300+ like some of the folks I've met on this board. I already killed any hope with the guys on this board with my "guy pays" and "no kiss on the first date" opinions, so I'm just gonna say it:

I have no desire to be married to someone who will "let themselves go" once they "catch me." I don't want to deal with more than necessary health problems, and I want someone who looks good that I can be proud of on my arm. And hot sex. Yes, I'm shallow. I've been married before, got a kid, got my own money, and am ok with being single if I never find anyone to accept my shallowness.

So I can empathize with the guys who might be wary of someone who used to be unhealthily heavy. "Well, she was heavy before, and once she becomes the old ball and chain she'll let herself go and blow up again." To him that translates to a less desirable wife and lackluster sex life. Not necessarily true, but I get where people are coming from. We should ABSOLUTELY love people for who they are on the *inside* but the past skews their perception of us until they get to know how fabulous we *ARE* on the inside. This is why I don't think one must "disclose" extreme weight loss early on in a relationship. This isn't like some genetic disorder that runs in your family and could impact your future kids. This is something you've done to change your life, and hopefully by time he decides to become a permanent part of it you will have *SHOWN* him that the changes are permanent and that you will always care about your health.

flimflamfloz

I already killed any hope with the guys on this board with my "guy pays" and "no kiss on the first date" opinions, so I'm just gonna say it:
I have no desire to be married to someone who will "let themselves go" once they "catch me."

:brokenheart: And to think that for you (and your money!), I was ready to compromise on the "guy pays" and "no kiss" thing.
But this...

:laugh:
Anyway...
I agree with you, I wouldn't disclose it early either - if at all. To me it feels like saying "Hey! I cheated on my wife/gf in a previous relationship. By the way my name is X". Weird I know.

I personally am absolutely terrified that someone might find pictures of my former self. There are periods of my life of which I barely have any pictures of myself, and the few are completely private.

I am somehow convinced that people will think less of me if they "find out". Then sometimes I realise that the same thing happened to those people, and I am stunned (You too?!). Then I guess I feel less ashamed.

Still, I happily bury my past in order to help me moving forward...

JThomas61

I have no desire to be married to someone who will "let themselves go" once they "catch me." I don't want to deal with more than necessary health problems, and I want someone who looks good that I can be proud of on my arm. And hot sex. Yes, I'm shallow. I've been married before, got a kid, got my own money, and am ok with being single if I never find anyone to accept my shallowness.

So I can empathize with the guys who might be wary of someone who used to be unhealthily heavy. "Well, she was heavy before, and once she becomes the old ball and chain she'll let herself go and blow up again." To him that translates to a less desirable wife and lackluster sex life. Not necessarily true, but I get where people are coming from. We should ABSOLUTELY love people for who they are on the *inside* but the past skews their perception of us until they get to know how fabulous we *ARE* on the inside. This is why I don't think one must "disclose" extreme weight loss early on in a relationship. This isn't like some genetic disorder that runs in your family and could impact your future kids. This is something you've done to change your life, and hopefully by time he decides to become a permanent part of it you will have *SHOWN* him that the changes are permanent and that you will always care about your health.
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^ Definately this!

AllanMisner

1/3 of US adults are obese (http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.HTML). Another 1/3 are overweight (BMI 25.0 - 29.9). Let that set in for a minute...

If someone is so shallow to think that it was unusual for you to be overweight or obese, they are wrong. You should be proud that you've taken these steps to better yourself.



Now, on the topic of letting yourself go after entering a relationship:
This is yet another reason why people shouldn't get married. How many of you that were previously married, noticed a change after the "I do?" When you're dating someone, it is easier for either of you to walk.

sandrinamsilva

I don't know I would bring it up either, other than I went to the gym today. My boyfriend and I had been together for quite some time and only recently he saw pictures of me holding my little sister 5 years back. All he said was, that's you? I responded with "Yup, now you know why I'm so anal about counting my calories"

ElementalMoe

1/3 of US adults are obese (http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.HTML). Another 1/3 are overweight (BMI 25.0 - 29.9). Let that set in for a minute...

If someone is so shallow to think that it was unusual for you to be overweight or obese, they are wrong. You should be proud that you've taken these steps to better yourself.



Now, on the topic of letting yourself go after entering a relationship:
This is yet another reason why people shouldn't get married. How many of you that were previously married, noticed a change after the "I do?" When you're dating someone, it is easier for either of you to walk.

I'll only consider getting married again if it's the only most plausible way to be together (IE: Someone from a different country). Marriage is totally unnecessary for me - I don't need a piece of paper to commit to a person, and I like the idea that leaving is easier - So if I'm with the person, I'm there because I want to be and not because I'm trapped.

And I would have zero qualms about dating someone who used to be obese but has taken care of themselves and lost the weight. Pot calling the kettle black if I felt any differently. . . And typically that sort of person would be more sympathetic and understanding about my calorie counting and limited eating out. . . I got fat BECAUSE of the lifestyle I lead with my husband - I looked like I do now before I met him. . He liked fast food, and fatty food, and never counted a calorie in his life. Someone who's been where I have been, knows the discomfort of being overweight, will work WITH me, instead of against me, as I maintain my healthy lifestyle.

kimi131

I bring it up in small ways early on, even the first or second date. The fitness and healthy part of my lifestyle is a big part of who I am now, so that's how I bring it up. I'll say things like, "I've lost a lot of weight recently and I feel pretty good about myself." I've even mentioned MFP a couple of times, "oh, I'm not addicted to FB, but I am addicted to a website where I track fitness and diet." It hasn't run any of the guys off yet, and that's a good thing because the fact that I've lost nearly 50 lbs is not something that I want to hide or be ashamed of. I am proud of it.

That said, I do wonder about the day when one of the guys makes boyfriend status and begins to see old pictures. I guess it won't matter too much cuz I'm so hot now

JanieJack

I do wonder about the day when one of the guys makes boyfriend status and begins to see old pictures. I guess it won't matter too much cuz I'm so hot now

Exactly! It won't matter because he'll know by then that this is a *permanent* part of your life, that you're serious about it. IIt's not just a few months thing. How many of our friends have lost the same 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds, over and over again? Even MFP has those stories. I'm not saying people are *right* to judge, I'm just saying my observation says that they do. Especially men looking for a woman.

Steelheart7

Why do you feel compelled to tell him? Are you going to detail all of your prior sexual encounters, drug use, grade point average, and the time you dropped the pop fly and lost the little league game? You are who you are today. If he asks, answer truthfully.

This