Honesty in Relationships

JanieJack

Just came back from a fabulous evening with my #1 guy friend. He's been seeing someone for almost 2 years now, and we did our usual "tell me if I'm being a jerk to her" thing with some of their recent developments. Then he did his big-brother review of the guys I'm getting to know. At one point he mentioned how nice it was to be able to talk so honestly with me, since we're not dating and he doesn't have to worry about me blowing up and getting mad at him.

It got me thinking... how can we encourage more honesty in our relationships? And, do we really want it?

La_Amazona

I don't get this.. but then again I guess I couldn't tell everything I tell my friends to a SO.. but why?

My (ex) crush mentioned this. He said he feels soooo comfortable with me and can say whatever he wants in front of me (which he's never been disrespectful, I just saw him as honest) that it gave him friend vibe because if he was dating me, he'd have a filter because I'd get pissed or offended. He said he honestly thinks he can tell me his darkest secrets. Um yes... and hopefully when you get a SO you can tell her too!!!!
I questioned him on that... why would your SO get pissed at you being yourself? That doesn't even make sense! You should be able to be yourself. Sure, you keep certain comments to yourself (like commenting on how great of an *kitten* the chick has on the left) but still, be open and honest.

Maybe it's a guy thing?? I don't know.. because I want to find someone I trust so much that I can tell him anything and be my true self with.

castadiva

I'd be really interested to hear a guy's take on this. One reason I am still besotted with a particular chap, even though I'm well aware of how entirely unlikely it is that we will ever be more than friends, is that I have felt, from the moment we met, utterly at ease with him - able to say and do anything, to talk about everything. We have nine-hour conversations that go on via email for another three days... This is a major attraction for me. I wouldn't want to be with someone I didn't feel that level of comfort and freedom with. Why would you want to have to filter yourself and keep secrets from someone you loved, romantically? A little mystique is one thing, self-censorship is quite another. Boys?

La_Amazona

Yes, for me, the level of openness I feel with my ex crush is amazing which in turn made me feel romantic feelings for him. I thought about it yesterday.... when I first saw his pictures I was attracted but he's not my usual type. If he were in a room, I would have not picked him. I would have dismissed him. What got me was his personality. The ease I feel when I'm with him. Before I knew it, I had it bad for him. So the deeper we got and more comfortable we got, the more harder I was falling... YET, the harder he was putting me in a friends category. Hmmmmm.

JanieJack

what made me think of it is, at one point, he was telling me a big concern he had about her and he wanted to know if he were over reacting. He's never felt this way about a woman before or been with one so long so it's uncharted territory for him.

He said after telling me the issue, "of course, I haven't said it to her like I said it to you. I kinda talked around it and hinted to it." I told him why not? She needs to hear it the way I'm hearing it or she won't realize how serious an issue it is for you.

In his case, though, I think he's so enthralled with her (and with the fact that they lasted more than a month- rare for him) that he's scared to run her off by giving her the full brunt of his feelings about certain issues.

My counter is, after two years, close to the point of making this thing permanent, she needs to know the "real you." If you really feel that strongly about XYZ issue yo have to communicate that to her. Otherwise she won't know and it won't change after you're married Marriage makes such things worse, not better.

kit_katty

I wonder if it's an honesty thing or simply a wording issue. Some people don't mesh when it comes to wording, guys maybe aren't tactful and girls maybe take more offense than was intended. Thoughts?

AllanMisner

I can see a few reasons why you wouldn't just be a completely open book to a SO:
- Surprise presents - Would you want someone telling you every surprise gift they've gotten you for Christmas, birthdays, etc.?
- Considering a big life change - Maybe he/she wants to change careers or move to another city. Sometimes you have to think these out for yourself before you bring it up to someone else. No sense stirring someone up early when you might just quash the idea on your own.
- The "Am I Fat" question - Nuff said.
- Concerns that it won't last - If all of your other relationships ended badly, you might hold back information early in a relationship. No need for you to know about that clown fetish in the first few months of a relationship.
- Concerns that you'll scare the crap out of them - You may not appear to be able to handle the truth. If you cried for three hours after I told you the story of my dog dying, maybe you're not ready to hear a story about my baby brother dying.
- Concerns that you overshare - We suspect your best friend knows the size of our sex organ, how we perform, and about that really embarrassing event. No sense feeding you more information to pass on.
- Concerns that anything we tell you might change you - We met you and fell for you the way you are. We like how things are. If we tell you something, it might change the way you feel about us. Even when that thing is generally inconsequential .
- It would upset you even though it doesn't matter - The girl/guy at work has a crush on me and tries to corner me, ask me to lunch, etc. I decline and nothing has happened. I don't want to make a stink at work. If I tell you, you may be mad that I didn't complain/report it to management.

Those are just a few.

christine24t

If any of you watched New Girl last night they kind of talked about this. Nick is seeing a girl, Julia, but they weren't labeled as anything and either of them weren't sure if they were exclusive. Jess, his roommate, was talking to Julia, who was treating her kind of rudely to begin with, and then she kind of slyly asked Jess if Nick was still seeing other girls.
Later, Nick and Jess were talking and Nick said that Julia was a very straightforward person. Jess said, "So she asked you if you two were exclusive?" Nick got flabbergasted and Jess basically said that no, they weren't being honest with each other.


I think there should be some honesty, especially about personal issues. But you don't have to put yourself out there 100%. You should keep a little mystery!

Carl01

Human nature is to not take risks.
In the situation described there is now risk of losing something,you are friends and the obvious situation is that honesty won`t change that.

In a relationship your heart is on the line so we tend to be much more adverse to taking a chance of losing that even if it is only a notion we have in our heads.

castadiva

I can see a few reasons why you wouldn't just be a completely open book to a SO:
- Surprise presents - Would you want someone telling you every surprise gift they've gotten you for Christmas, birthdays, etc.?
- Considering a big life change - Maybe he/she wants to change careers or move to another city. Sometimes you have to think these out for yourself before you bring it up to someone else. No sense stirring someone up early when you might just quash the idea on your own.
- The "Am I Fat" question - Nuff said.
- Concerns that it won't last - If all of your other relationships ended badly, you might hold back information early in a relationship. No need for you to know about that clown fetish in the first few months of a relationship.
- Concerns that you'll scare the crap out of them - You may not appear to be able to handle the truth. If you cried for three hours after I told you the story of my dog dying, maybe you're not ready to hear a story about my baby brother dying.
- Concerns that you overshare - We suspect your best friend knows the size of our sex organ, how we perform, and about that really embarrassing event. No sense feeding you more information to pass on.
- Concerns that anything we tell you might change you - We met you and fell for you the way you are. We like how things are. If we tell you something, it might change the way you feel about us. Even when that thing is generally inconsequential .
- It would upset you even though it doesn't matter - The girl/guy at work has a crush on me and tries to corner me, ask me to lunch, etc. I decline and nothing has happened. I don't want to make a stink at work. If I tell you, you may be mad that I didn't complain/report it to management.

Those are just a few.

The first three I can understand - of course I don't want to know every present before I get it, and if you're still working out the details of a big change, though I'd like to be involved, I can understand that you're still figuring it out. Oversharing - yes, OK, if you've got a clown fetish I might well be freaked out if you tell me on the first date, but if that's a big thing for you and a not-going-there-ever for me, wouldn't a little honesty mean that we wouldn't have spent time on something that was never going to work?! I don't mean 'tell me every little thing', but if it affects me, or our relationship, I want to know about it. I also want to be able to communicate freely, without guarding my tongue the whole time, and I'd want to feel that you did the same.

JanieJack

I dunno... after 2 years and talking about making it permanent, if he's got a clown fetish, I kinda want to know about it ;-)