advice column question
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christine24t
Posts: 6,064 Member
bored at work today i was reading slate and came across this old advice column question. i'll copy it for you so you don't have to read the original but if you want to it's http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/friend_or_foe/2011/12/friend_or_foe_why_is_my_husband_banned_from_girls_night_out_.html
Dear Friend or Foe,
I had a group of seven girlfriends throughout high school and college with whom I was really close. We're all in our mid-20s now and everyone is off doing their own thing as far as jobs and relationships are concerned. A few years ago, the group decided to do a Christmas dinner once a year. It’s a reunion of sorts where we can catch up, drink, and reminisce. I haven't been able to go because I haven't been home for Christmas in two years. (I’m the only one in the group who moved out of state—and halfway across the country—though I've been home at other times and have gotten together individually with some of the girls.) This year I made it known through Facebook that I was going to be here for the holidays. My friends expressed excitement and, of course, asked if I was going to come to “the dinner.”
The problem is that my husband is coming home with me. He lived in my hometown for a year and a half (that's where we met) and was friends with my friends during that time as well. But when I asked my girlfriend (“Diane”) who is point person for the dinner if I could bring him along—and suggested that others be free to do the same—she said she didn’t want him there because people might not be themselves; their current significant others don't know each other; bringing men changes the dynamic, etc. Instead, she suggested I drop him off at the house of a guy friend with whom he no longer keeps in touch. My husband doesn't want to do this. Nor does he want to stay home with my parents. Thinking about it, I realized that I wouldn't want to be put in that situation, either. Am I wrong for telling Diane that I’ll have to bow out if my husband isn't included? I don't want to be difficult, and I realize they’re planning the evening around me. But I also want to be fair to my husband.
Sincerely, SBMM
Dear SBMM,
I think your husband needs to stop being a 3-year-old and figure out how to entertain himself for one whole evening while you catch up with the old gang. If he can’t bear sitting around with his in-laws playing Scrabble, or having a beer with his old friend Bill, maybe he could go watch Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at the multiplex out on the highway. That’s two hours and 40 minutes killed right there! (Throw in the trailers and ads and you’re up to three hours plus.) Plus, he already knows his way around town, so it’s not as if you’re abandoning him in the wilderness to find his way home. You had a life before you were married, and you’re allowed occasionally to revisit it without your husband hovering over you—and preventing you from cracking jokes about the freaks and geeks you kissed in high school (who weren’t him).
That said, I’m assuming that you, too, would prefer to dine with the ladies solo. But maybe I’m missing the point: Maybe you secretly dread the company of your old girlfriends and want your husband there as some kind of security blanket? Or is this more about feeling sorry for your man and/or wanting to prove your loyalty? (From your letter, it’s unclear.) In any case, it’s evident that your husband belongs to the Attached at the Hip camp, and I guess I’m wondering about his “why” too. That is, why would he even want to come along to a Girls’ Night?! Does he suffer from extreme social anxiety to which you are the only antidote? (Do your parents have fangs?) Short of these possibilities, I think it’s completely valid of your lady-pal to say, husbands and boyfriends no can do—and for you to pass along the sentiment to your hubbie free of guilt.
What do you all think about this? The comments on the original article were very interesting - you should look if you have time.
I'm in the boat of "leave your husband behind." I've had many awkward encounters with friends' boyfriends that were not invited to events, and yet still showed up. Why do some married and committed people think that we are just dying to hang out with their boyfriend/spouse?!
Dear Friend or Foe,
I had a group of seven girlfriends throughout high school and college with whom I was really close. We're all in our mid-20s now and everyone is off doing their own thing as far as jobs and relationships are concerned. A few years ago, the group decided to do a Christmas dinner once a year. It’s a reunion of sorts where we can catch up, drink, and reminisce. I haven't been able to go because I haven't been home for Christmas in two years. (I’m the only one in the group who moved out of state—and halfway across the country—though I've been home at other times and have gotten together individually with some of the girls.) This year I made it known through Facebook that I was going to be here for the holidays. My friends expressed excitement and, of course, asked if I was going to come to “the dinner.”
The problem is that my husband is coming home with me. He lived in my hometown for a year and a half (that's where we met) and was friends with my friends during that time as well. But when I asked my girlfriend (“Diane”) who is point person for the dinner if I could bring him along—and suggested that others be free to do the same—she said she didn’t want him there because people might not be themselves; their current significant others don't know each other; bringing men changes the dynamic, etc. Instead, she suggested I drop him off at the house of a guy friend with whom he no longer keeps in touch. My husband doesn't want to do this. Nor does he want to stay home with my parents. Thinking about it, I realized that I wouldn't want to be put in that situation, either. Am I wrong for telling Diane that I’ll have to bow out if my husband isn't included? I don't want to be difficult, and I realize they’re planning the evening around me. But I also want to be fair to my husband.
Sincerely, SBMM
Dear SBMM,
I think your husband needs to stop being a 3-year-old and figure out how to entertain himself for one whole evening while you catch up with the old gang. If he can’t bear sitting around with his in-laws playing Scrabble, or having a beer with his old friend Bill, maybe he could go watch Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at the multiplex out on the highway. That’s two hours and 40 minutes killed right there! (Throw in the trailers and ads and you’re up to three hours plus.) Plus, he already knows his way around town, so it’s not as if you’re abandoning him in the wilderness to find his way home. You had a life before you were married, and you’re allowed occasionally to revisit it without your husband hovering over you—and preventing you from cracking jokes about the freaks and geeks you kissed in high school (who weren’t him).
That said, I’m assuming that you, too, would prefer to dine with the ladies solo. But maybe I’m missing the point: Maybe you secretly dread the company of your old girlfriends and want your husband there as some kind of security blanket? Or is this more about feeling sorry for your man and/or wanting to prove your loyalty? (From your letter, it’s unclear.) In any case, it’s evident that your husband belongs to the Attached at the Hip camp, and I guess I’m wondering about his “why” too. That is, why would he even want to come along to a Girls’ Night?! Does he suffer from extreme social anxiety to which you are the only antidote? (Do your parents have fangs?) Short of these possibilities, I think it’s completely valid of your lady-pal to say, husbands and boyfriends no can do—and for you to pass along the sentiment to your hubbie free of guilt.
What do you all think about this? The comments on the original article were very interesting - you should look if you have time.
I'm in the boat of "leave your husband behind." I've had many awkward encounters with friends' boyfriends that were not invited to events, and yet still showed up. Why do some married and committed people think that we are just dying to hang out with their boyfriend/spouse?!
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I agree with the friends...if it wasn't their original intent to have husbands or boyfriends at the dinner, then there's no reason hubby can't keep himself occupied for a few hours one evening.0
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I agree with the "leave hubby behind" folks. But this might be my own baggage speaking because I had the kind of hubby that wouldn't "let' me do something like that. He was very controlling, and I'm so glad he is now my ex. I would rather remain single than marry someone who made my life miserable just because I want to do something apart from him sometimes.
That said, I also believe that doing TOO MUCH without your hubby is a recipe for a poor marriage (and ripe for affairs) but this is a once-in-a-couple-years thing, not an everyday occurrence.0 -
Absolutely she should leave him home. I understand that for weddings and parties, you assume that if one is invited the spouse automatically is, but not for girls' night. I always have to be specific with my friends if it's girls only because you think you are going out with her and then they show up as a couple and you are the extra wheel. I don't like that my best friends' spouses probably know all kinds of details about me, but it's worse when they join in the joking and bring it up like they were there or have first hand knowledge. Men do change the energy and they really don't want to be forced to do man talk with other spouses they don't know. Conversation doesn't flow either if you have to stop and explain to hubby "Oh George was this guy that we hung out with in 1996..." He can fend for himself and be fine.0
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It wasn't right for her to accept the invite and allow them to plan the event around her if she wasn't willing to meet the obligation as it was offered- meaning a Girls' Only Night. It's unreasonable to expect everyone else to change her plans for her because she wants to change the rules mid-stream. I'd hope her husband would be cool and insist she go along and have a good time but he's not a little kid who has to be left behind on her whim.
I think her friends should go out without her!0 -
I don't like that my best friends' spouses probably know all kinds of details about me, but it's worse when they join in the joking and bring it up like they were there or have first hand knowledge.
My roommate and I always say this! We wonder how much our other roommates' boyfriends know about us that we didn't intend for them to know! He tells her everything about his roommates so I'm guessing she does the same.
And I'm glad you all agree to leave him behind! I hate when stuff like this happens with me and my friends. We try to have a girls night out at the bar and suddenly boyfriends are there and it's awkward!0 -
My first impression is that whoever wrote the advice is extremely rude. It sounds like the girl wants her husband to come along, and why is that a problem? Would you want to be left at your in-law's house while your spouse was having fun? Do you really enjoy having to spend time with someone you haven't spoken to in years? Generally when you stop talking to someone, it's for a reason.
Plus, the fact of the matter is, when you get married, you two are supposed to be together. Obviously it's good to have some time away from each other sometimes, but forcing your spouse to be miserable while you're having fun is completely different than both of you planning time to hang with friends.0 -
I am with the majority. We are not glued together when we are married. I'm betting the husband has things he does without the wife at times. Good God, let me say from experience that if you DON'T have separate interests, you are doomed to eventual boredom with each other.
If the woman accepted an invitation for a girls' night out, she should abide by the rest of the group. I HATE it when one friend brings along her SO and nobody else does. Whoever said it was right----the rest of the woman do NOT act the same and have our guards up a little.
I'm sorry but I think it's ridiculous for anyone, male or female, to think that their SO can't be "allowed" out for a few hours without them.0 -
My first impression is that whoever wrote the advice is extremely rude. It sounds like the girl wants her husband to come along, and why is that a problem? Would you want to be left at your in-law's house while your spouse was having fun? Do you really enjoy having to spend time with someone you haven't spoken to in years? Generally when you stop talking to someone, it's for a reason.
Plus, the fact of the matter is, when you get married, you two are supposed to be together. Obviously it's good to have some time away from each other sometimes, but forcing your spouse to be miserable while you're having fun is completely different than both of you planning time to hang with friends.
The guy doesn't have to sit at the in-laws. I am sure there are malls or stores or bars or whatever that he could go to. We are talking about a few hours! And I wouldn't feel sorry for the guy because the girl said she hasn't been home in two years, so it's not like this is a regular occurrence.0 -
My first impression is that whoever wrote the advice is extremely rude. It sounds like the girl wants her husband to come along, and why is that a problem? Would you want to be left at your in-law's house while your spouse was having fun? Do you really enjoy having to spend time with someone you haven't spoken to in years? Generally when you stop talking to someone, it's for a reason.
Plus, the fact of the matter is, when you get married, you two are supposed to be together. Obviously it's good to have some time away from each other sometimes, but forcing your spouse to be miserable while you're having fun is completely different than both of you planning time to hang with friends.
Why can't he go to to the bar, or to a bookstore, or to a coffee shop with his laptop? Or drop her off at the party and do whatever he wants? It's a girls night out. It was clearly stated when she was invited. She asked to bring him, the host said no, it's all girls. Why would the man want to be the only man there? And it's not that they stopped talking, it's that the girl moved away.0 -
Don't get me wrong, I dislike clingy guys as much as the next girl. However, it sounded to me like the girl wanted to bring her husband along. Why is that bad? I feel like the person giving the advice lambasted her over one tiny incident. Who's to say that they don't have their own time apart from each other? Maybe the wife was excited about actually being able to show off her husband. There are way too many factors that we honestly know nothing about.0
