Ladies- Do you play hard to get?

thecarbmonster

Do you play hard to get?

I try to make my personality very open and welcoming. I thought the same should go for dates- encourage the guy to want to get to know me better.

However, I've recently started reading "The Rules" and "Text. Love. Power" (they are both related to one another) and it's rocking my world...I'm not sure what to think about it.

To sum up: we're supposed to make the guy want to chase after us.

No texting- it allows him to treat us casually. (This just feels impossible- still digesting- but makes sense considering all of the "Hey" or "Send me a pic" texts I get from new guys)

Be in control- end the phone conversation and date first.

Leave a bit of mystery- don't reveal TOO much and never show all your cards, be unavailable at times

(That's as far as I've gotten :P)

In a way, it's like dangling a string in front of a kitten. We keep dangling it just a few inches from their grasp to make them keep coming after us.

Reading it made me realize how opposite I am to playing hard to get. I definitely see myself in a lot of the scenarios of "rules breakers" where you make yourself too accessible and the guy doesn't have to try and eventually lose interest.

(If you're interested- The Text. Love. Power book is under $4 on Kindle (it's like an updated addendum to "The Rules" and much more applicable to us ladies of the online dating/texting world. The Rules is around $10, also on Kindle.)

And if any guys are on this thread- Do you like a challenge? Do you find yourself more interested when a girl plays hard to get or not interested? If a girl is too accessible, do you find yourself losing interest?

jaxdiablo

IMHO they are just a random set of attempts at manipulating men. I'd rather someone just be themselves. I don't want someone who if they are interested in me doesn't get a hold of me, or cuts time short. I'm going to think they aren't interested and move on. Just to answer your specific questions.
Do you like a challenge?

Yes, does making yourself unavailable or aloof constitute a challenge? Not necessarily. I'd rather find a woman who can converse at the level I can, or has opinions or interests that are not the same as mine and is willing to teach me about her.

Do you find yourself more interested when a girl plays hard to get or not interested?

Not really, there is one girl in particular who is unavailable, only because she just recently got out of a long term relationship. It's not the lack of interest, or availability that made me interested in her, it was her intelligence, her charm, and her beauty. The other issue was just her circumstances.

If a girl is too accessible, do you find yourself losing interest?

Nope. If I want a legitimate relationship I need to realize I'm probably going to spend a lot of time with the woman I am interested in. So I want to do a good amount of that in the beginning as well as the rest of the relationship. I'm not saying I want to be attached at the hip, but too much time apart, or without some form of contact is a HUGE turn off.

flimflamfloz

First, it seems that all these advice are similar to those given to the male Pick-Up Artist community - perhaps in a more moderate way.
Now the funny thing is a few years back, people thought about PUA as manipulative @ssholes and girls kept saying "This would NEVER work on me."
Not sure when the PUA thing came into the mainstream but it's quite funny to see this has now become "acceptable"...

Anyway, on topic, I think if both males and females follow the same advice, things are going to be a bit difficult - everyone backing off, trying to be manipulative.
To be honest, all these PUA things are decent advice.

- Do we like a challenge? I guess... But if I can have it easy somewhere else, I'll let you guess where I will go first! Guys are quite simple and don't really buy all that bull****. Especially as you get older...

- Are we more interested when girl plays hard to get? Well, depends on how interested I am in the girl initially. It does not make me think "Wow she must be amazing if she is so hard to get", it makes me think "She seems like a pain in the butt" or "Oh... Is she trying to use PUA tricks on me..." and then I start playing games too and it gets messy.

- "If a girl is too accessible" depends again on the girl. To be fair, I would prefer a girl that shows interest than the reverse. Now obviously if she calls you every 5 min... But this is an extreme. The right balance is somewhere in the middle.

To cut a long story short: it kinda works, but people misuse it and overuse it. :grumble:


Oh, and also, these tricks are really useful in the initial phase, but I find probably not so much if you want the relationship to evolve positively, so at some point someone has to "lower their defences".

And finally (sorry very long post), I really like deep relationship, and I think all that PUA thingy prevents people from having deep relationships. Does the trick for casual though.

flimflamfloz

Yes, does making yourself unavailable or aloof constitute a challenge? Not necessarily. I'd rather find a woman who can converse at the level I can, or has opinions or interests that are not the same as mine and is willing to teach me about her.

This too, and also I find witty girls extremely impressive (this is mainly a "man skill" from my experience no offence intended though as I know many girls are witty!)

jenbit

Sorry I just dont have time to play these games lol. you text me I will text you back. You call I will pick up. Even if I'm truely busy ....games are silly and I refuse to use them.... that said good luck with it :drinker:

La_Amazona

I've read some books like this as well.

This is what I'm doing. I have friends whom I love to hang out with. I like my alone time as well. I won't break plans with my friends for a guy. I won't sit at home waiting on someone to call either. Am I playing hard to get? No. But sometimes I'm just busy so I can't answer my phone or text right away or go out on a specific day.

But I will text first. I will call him sometimes as well if I want. I won't be chasing anybody but if I like you, you will know. I might be shy but I won't/ can't hide my feelings. If it gets confusing, it turns me off.

Basically, if you like me, show me.. if I like you, I will show you.

Carl01

What is wrong with being honest and trying to get to know someone,finding out what feelings are and then either letting it grow or move on? :ohwell:

scapez

*waves hand wildly in air*

Ooo! Ooo!

No.

pa_jorg

I don't think about rules exactly, but the older I get the more I allow the guy to do the asking and calling initially. It isn't that I'm a passive person, I just think that biology plays a huge role and if a guy isn't interested fairly quickly then he never will be, and I have no interest in playing games. That said, if I like someone, he'll know.

mnwalkingqueen

Just be yourself...games and tricks are for teenagers. You can do most of those things you read in the book by setting high moral standards for yourself so your not playing games.

mznisaelaine

No I don't play hard to get...

But..

I don't play easy to get either.

mnwalkingqueen

No I don't play hard to get...

But..

I don't play easy to get either.

That equals a classy lady :flowerforyou:

christine24t

I play kind of both. I kind of have some self-esteem issues so I won't be the one to initiate contact with a guy that I like - it would be too embarrassing if he said no. I'm even this way with my friends. But if he talks to me, I am really interested and ask lots of questions.

Lizi19

I completely agree with tchristine24. I have never called a guy first or anything like that. I am just a bit old-fashioned and shy, but I am not a game player.

I will pick up the phone and accept dates for the same or next day if I'm available. I'm accessible and if the guy wants a mystery or a challenge than he might have some commitment issues that I don't want to deal with. I have my own issues

AnnaPixie

I dont beleive in playing games. If you like each other then show it. If he doesnt want you for who you are, then what's the point?

thecarbmonster

This was definitely an interesting discussion topic. I didn't even realize it was similar to PUA techniques lol.

Elzecat

Interesting. I've been single for 8 years and lately find myself at home way too many weekend nights because I don't have anyone to hang out with. So I have way too much time on my hands to ponder dating experiences LOL.

From what I remember from reading it like...15 years ago?!..."The Rules" was all about manipulating the guy and playing games. Note: I heard several of the authors later were divorced from their supposedly perfect and charming husbands that they married by "following the Rules." (don't know if that's actually true about the divorces though, but it is kinda funny)

Personally, I suck at the game playing. If I like you...I'm gonna tell you in some way, preferably in actual words . I try not to chase because I don't think that's attractive for either men or women to appear to desperate ...but I will call/invite out/initiate a conversation at times. It just depends on the person. Sometimes it depends on my confidence level.

I think there's a middle ground between playing "hard to get" and chasing a guy too much. You can live your own life and choose to be available for conversation/dates when it's right for you, without making a big thing of it. If you have plans with your friends for Friday night and the guy calls on Wednesday and asks you out...you say "hey I have plans with my friends, lets find another time." That's not playing hard to get, that's having your own life! A good guy (or gal) is going to understand if you already made plans with friends, and will respect you for valuing your time with those friends. If a guy asks you out on Friday for the next night, if you're not busy and you like the person...why not go? yeah, it would be better if someone called and scheduled way in advance...but sometimes life can be spontaneous and fun! I had a recent experience with a new guy friend who called me up with a spontaneous meet up to watch a football game ...if I had said no just because he didn't ask me way in advance, I would have missed out on getting to know a new friend.

I have a lot of guy friends and the ones I've discussed this kind of stuff with, have all told me they don't like game players or manipulators. And they have all told me that they LIKE when a woman calls them/asks them out--I hope they are not just telling me that to make me feel better LOL. But I think what they mean is they like assertive women (not necessarily aggressive).

Sigh...I have way too much time on my hands tonight

JanieJack

No, I don't play hard to get. I'm too busy living life.

JanieJack

have friends whom I love to hang out with. I like my alone time as well. I won't break plans with my friends for a guy. I won't sit at home waiting on someone to call either. Am I playing hard to get? No. But sometimes I'm just busy so I can't answer my phone or text right away or go out on a specific day.

Exactly!

JanieJack

No texting- it allows him to treat us casually.

I think there's some truth to this.. and I no longer engage in prolonged texting with a new guy because it's usually a waste of time (never end up actually going out). OTOH, with my crazy work situation I can't imagine NOT texting.