Not thrilled
Replies
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Depends... If we had one date in 2 weeks, I won't even think about it within the first two weeks of course (or I will, but I won't mention it).15-20 days? After meeting? Wow.. that's only 2 weeks!?!?
I'm thinking things should "unlock" or "go in the right direction" after 4-5 dates perhaps (and I don't mean 30 minutes dates either - good solid dates).
Also, it depends if you are handling 10 relationships at the same time, and 3 of them are already past the 90 days rules... then OK. But I'm not sure that's what this 90 days rule was meant for.
I still fail to see though how waiting for 20 dates instead of 5 dates makes women more attractive? For me, it doesn't.
If this was the case, a woman waiting 100 dates would be even more attractive.
I mean, the whole thing is that basically you should have sex if you fee like it (I agree that it might take longer if one of the two partners is a virgin), and in my opinion, if nobody feels like doing it after a good number of dates, something is wrong.
It's not a number expectation as such, it's more an "attraction" expectation. I would expect the girl to be attracted to me, and comfortable enough to do it with me (and vice versa) within that time span yes.0 -
As for the 90 day rule:
- First: "if a guy talks to you about sex, say you don't have sex for at least 90 days"... I've never "talked" about sex directly "Hey, you're hot - let's have sex!" * facepalm* Never... it just happens semi-naturally as the girl gets more and more attracted to you. Any half brained man knows this. Now I hope the emphasis in this rule is on "TALKING ABOUT SEX" and not "having sex" within 90 days.
If the guy talks about sex like that though, then just don't date him if you don't want to have sex. No need to use this 90 days rule.
- Second: If he likes you, he MIGHT stay for 90 days without sex, but chances are that he will still dip his biscuit elsewhere (without you knowing - i.e. non exclusive). The problem is that, especially around your age, most people don't want to wait for 90 days. That's 3 f'in months, a quarter of a year. Plus if you don't like the sex at the end of the 3 months, you're basically doomed and you and the guy have wasted 3 months of your life (kinda...).
Sex is, whether women want it or not, part of the relationship dynamics. If you refuse it for a long period of time, don't even hope for an exclusive relationship most of the time.
15-20 days seem like a more reasonable period to me, but then again, if the guy mentions sex abruptly, and you still don't feel the sexual attraction, I would probably just ditch him.
I didn't literally mean talk about sex, but hint about it, etc. You know what I mean I hope! Lastly, if someone had a problem with waiting 90 days (and realistically it would be more if someone was going to date me, 90 days is way too short in my opinion, but the speaker assumes that you're experienced when you say that) then they should tell me right away and not even bother. The speaker said a good point - if a guy really really likes you, he will stay with you regardless if you're having sex with him or not.
I hope I meet someone who doesn't expect to have sex within 15 days. I would literally laugh in his face and call him a jerk! Sex is important but it doesn't have to be all of the relationship, and it doesn't have to the focus of the relationship, especially in the beginning.
It scares me reading stuff like that, honestly.I still fail to see though how waiting for 20 dates instead of 5 dates makes women more attractive? For me, it doesn't.
It's not about appearing attractive. It's to make sure that the person doesn't want you just for sex. Most people wouldn't wait 90 days to hang out with someone just to have sex. If the guy really likes you he will want to see you, even without the expectation of sex.0 -
Oy! Where are all the normal ones!?
In hiding? :laugh:
My one attempt at online dating: a gazillion uncanvassed penis photos; two guys with psychosis, one of whom sent me a story about meeting someone for a first date who was later murdered (I have no problem with mental illness but too scary in this context); an ex monk who was lovely, sent me beautiful poetry but had no visible means of support; and three guys who called and called and I never could find a way to tell them to stop without hurting their feelings (yes, I'm a wimp).
Seriously, life is too short for such drama. Mr. Right is going to have to find me :happy:
On a more positive note, my best friend struck lucky first time on Match and they are still together years later.
My sister is trying to get me to try my single friend (where a friend posts your profile) and has promised to run interference for me. I'm slightly tempted, if only she could date them for me too! Has anyone tried it?0 -
For clarity, earth was where they took people to seed everywhere else in Stargate. ;-)
I am one of those people who have only ever had luck online. I guess I had no confidence in person or something and online my appearance didn't matter so I didn't let it get in my way. Regardless, there was only ever sparks once when I met up with someone but the other time we, like 1sxyogre sad, we clicked and the spark/butterflies came in time.
I stand corrected.
Sorry. the geek in me sometimes takes over lol.
That made me :laugh:
Re sex rules - for me there are none other than to do it when you feel it's right. If a guy thinks otherwise go tell him to have his relationship dynamic with someone else!0 -
I guess what I am not thrilled with is that there are no sparks with any of them. Not just sparks necessarily, no butterflies, no excitedness, nothing. I wonder what has changed in me or if maybe I am still not ready. hmmmmm
I've met guys off dating sites and immediately felt sparks. I've also met guys that dont spark at all. I put it down to chemistry. I've never had a second date with the latter. Just move on to the next date. Its not a case of being ready, you just haven't met the right one. If you meet someone you spark with tomorrow, you'll be ready! 0 -
Plenty of Fish- free dating website. I met someone from there in 2008 and we hit it off online and email, but fizzled when we met in person. That's when I realized you shouldn't go past two weeks without meeting them in person lol.
I don't feel like the free websites provide anything different from the pay sites. I think "better quality" or "promise of more long term/not just hook-ups" is expected in pay sites, but I don't think it's much different. A guy I met on eharmony talked about taking it slow and "respecting" that I wanted to wait for intimacy, but was trying to get in my pants the second date and was sending me naked pics. Not what I was expecting on eharmony lol.
Oh yeah, aren't the penis pictures just great??? I don't understand why that happens so quickly. Ewwww, and then to get mad if there is no reciprocation. lol Yeah, so not having a nudie picture of me ending up on the internet.
Never had this happen, I would run a mile!! Pretty obvious what that kind of dude wants!! :laugh:0 -
Playing a bit of the devil's advocate here but:Lastly, if someone had a problem with waiting 90 days (and realistically it would be more if someone was going to date me, 90 days is way too short in my opinion, but the speaker assumes that you're experienced when you say that) then they should tell me right away and not even bother
I think we pretty much agree on everything then, except on the "value" each of us give to sex in the relationship (and thus the timing associated with it).
From my perception, women in general are the ones who make it seems like the "all" of the relationship, the last rampart, the ultimate reward for the man of patience, the icing on the cake - so it has to come last.
Some see it as one of the most valuable part of themselves, then give it later. Yet they might accept to talk about their feelings for the person before that.
For me it is just one more pillar to a successful relationship regardless of the timing at which it happens, as important as the rest, and a necessary one with that (how many men/women would stick around with someone if one said they will never have sex together? None).
I personally won't think less of a woman with who I had early sex. And if her other "pillars" are also attractive to me, then I have no reason to stop seeing her and I'll keep the dates going.
I understand that many women sacralise sex, and I accept that, but I don't see it the same way (for physiological reasons as well, I'm sure).
I must say I've got a problem with this number "90 days" that the person pulled of their @ss... Why not 120/150/180 days or even 15 years then for greater confidence in the man's intention?
My point is that you either trust the man or not with his intentions (how early you want is up to you - and this is where we disagree, and with experience you might read their intentions better), and I would estimate that (from my point of view = type of women I am looking for) after 15-20-30 days (but more importantly a certain amount of time spent together, in a VARIETY of activities) you should have a rough idea if the guy is not right for you or not (and if he kept a mask for that long, he can keep it for longer).
TL;DR: Not all men are @ss just after a quick shag in a relationship.0 -
I think these two tips are terrible.I heard this speaker last night who gave us some tips about online dating
[...]
- If the person rushes to meet, they most likely want a hookup. Wait a while before meeting in person.
[...]
- Follow the 90 day rule - if a guy talks to you about sex, say you don't have sex for at least 90 days. If he just wants a hookup, he'll be out of there. If he likes you he will stay.
Well it depends what "rushes to meet" mean, but I normally insist to meet the girl by the end of the first week or second week. On a neutral ground, agree (not inviting them home or anything, but for a coffee or whatever).
Why? Because I can read body language, because seeing someone for real is much better than talking via email or even phone.
Eh! Perhaps the guy absolutely smells of *kitten*, perhaps he has a very high pitch laugh that breaks glasses, perhaps he stands like a log and keeps saying "I dunno..." arms hanging and is a real drag, perhaps he never smiles, etc...
So nothing beats meeting the person for real... Of course the usual disclaimer apply.
As for the 90 day rule:
- First: "if a guy talks to you about sex, say you don't have sex for at least 90 days"... I've never "talked" about sex directly "Hey, you're hot - let's have sex!" * facepalm* Never... it just happens semi-naturally as the girl gets more and more attracted to you. Any half brained man knows this. Now I hope the emphasis in this rule is on "TALKING ABOUT SEX" and not "having sex" within 90 days.
If the guy talks about sex like that though, then just don't date him if you don't want to have sex. No need to use this 90 days rule.
- Second: If he likes you, he MIGHT stay for 90 days without sex, but chances are that he will still dip his biscuit elsewhere (without you knowing - i.e. non exclusive). The problem is that, especially around your age, most people don't want to wait for 90 days. That's 3 f'in months, a quarter of a year. Plus if you don't like the sex at the end of the 3 months, you're basically doomed and you and the guy have wasted 3 months of your life (kinda...).
Sex is, whether women want it or not, part of the relationship dynamics. If you refuse it for a long period of time, don't even hope for an exclusive relationship most of the time.
15-20 days seem like a more reasonable period to me, but then again, if the guy mentions sex abruptly, and you still don't feel the sexual attraction, I would probably just ditch him.
I think sexual chemistry is right up there. If you dont want each other in the beginning, then thats not a great sign for the future. I'm not saying do it straight away, or in 2 weeks or 3 months (the waiting time is down to the couple involved) but lust definitely happens before love and people shouldnt get too hung up on the sex. The best relationships are always good in the bedroom!! IMHO! If sex doesnt matter much, then you may as well just set up home with a friend :noway:0 -
I was attracted to him, he did intrigue me and made me giggle/ blush, during the date I asked myself if I would ever want to kiss him (this is how I test my attraction lol), which the answer in my head was "yes" and when he asked me out again, I felt warm and smiled... yet I don't feel all out of control, stressed out about it.
I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to process everything different now or is it because I'm not into him as much?
I rather feel in control though than like a mad woman reading every text/ call. Bottom line.
Sounds like a great date to me. With your former guy there may have been more fireworks at first, but the way you described it you may also have been experiencing a lot of symptoms of anxiety and you seem to be a bit confused as to whether that may have been behind some of your reactions. Fireworks and feeling totally out of control don't have to go together. I suspect that things will become clear to you with the new guy if/when you kiss. Slow burners are fun too
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For me it is just one more pillar to a successful relationship regardless of the timing at which it happens, as important as the rest, and a necessary one with that (how many men/women would stick around with someone if one said they will never have sex together? None).
Well said, and totally agree. Although its understandable to want to wait if its your first or second or third intimate relationship? I dont think you get to the stage of realisation of how important it is until you've had bad/unfullfilling/incompatible sex!!! :laugh:0 -
I'm glad someone agrees. It is not a very popular opinion.
Well said, and totally agree. Although its understandable to want to wait if its your first or second or third intimate relationship? I dont think you get to the stage of realisation of how important it is until you've had bad/unfullfilling/incompatible sex!!! :laugh:For me it is just one more pillar to a successful relationship regardless of the timing at which it happens, as important as the rest, and a necessary one with that (how many men/women would stick around with someone if one said they will never have sex together? None).
And I'm 100% with you here: the couple must take it at their own pace - so the exact number of days/months doesn't really matter (as long as both are on the same wavelength).0 -
Depends... If we had one date in 2 weeks, I won't even think about it within the first two weeks of course (or I will, but I won't mention it).15-20 days? After meeting? Wow.. that's only 2 weeks!?!?
I'm thinking things should "unlock" or "go in the right direction" after 4-5 dates perhaps (and I don't mean 30 minutes dates either - good solid dates).
Also, it depends if you are handling 10 relationships at the same time, and 3 of them are already past the 90 days rules... then OK. But I'm not sure that's what this 90 days rule was meant for.
I still fail to see though how waiting for 20 dates instead of 5 dates makes women more attractive? For me, it doesn't.
If this was the case, a woman waiting 100 dates would be even more attractive.
I mean, the whole thing is that basically you should have sex if you fee like it (I agree that it might take longer if one of the two partners is a virgin), and in my opinion, if nobody feels like doing it after a good number of dates, something is wrong.
It's not a number expectation as such, it's more an "attraction" expectation. I would expect the girl to be attracted to me, and comfortable enough to do it with me (and vice versa) within that time span yes.
It's not that I don't FEEL it.. I definately have but to me, sex is more than just lust. I am just unable to seperate emotions from sex. I have tried, and I have failed. There's no magic number for me (i.e. 90 days) but like you said, it will probably happen when I trust the guys intentions and this will only happen once I am in an exclusive relationship with him. The more I trust him, the more I want to give myself to him.. all of me. It's just natural.
It's interesting how we all perceive things differently!! :drinker:0 -
I have always thought that there was something wrong with me. I always say that I am perpetually underwhelmed with guys. I have never been in love, rarely even had a crush. I like men. I get along great with men. I've been attracted to different men for different reasons, but none really gave me that "thing". I just never felt a connection on multiple levels and wondered if I was expecting something that didn't exist. But I have friends, and you can tell that they met their match. They are symbiotic. They get each others' humor when nobody else does, even at the beginning stages and even if they weren't each other's initial "types", it just seemed like a natural fit.
I want butterflies and to be smitten and to get someone who really gets me. Naturally.
And I definitely agree with flamfloz that there are no rules. I am the type who will talk about anything and answer anything honestly if the conversation went that way. I don't wait until x dates to bring up family, or our past, or sex. I have sex when it goes that way if I want to as well. I think past a certain age, having an arbitrary number of days about when you can have sex doesn't make sense. I'm 35, I'm pretty sure nobody thinks I'm a virgin. I don't have respect wrapped up in sex. Chemistry is important. And someone doesn't have to earn sex. It happens. Sometimes early, sometimes a slow burn. Trust your instincts. If you know yourself and that it's too emotional for you to go in without more time or committment, that's fine, too but I wouldn't leave it up to a number of dates or days.0 -
I personally won't think less of a woman with who I had early sex.
Not all men are @ss just after a quick shag in a relationship.
I know nothing about you but I honestly think that a lot of guys say this to get a woman into bed, and then they later end up judging them anyway. So in my opinion it's just better to wait overall. You're never going to regret waiting to have sex - you are never going to think "damn i wish we had sex earlier" but you might regret having it too soon though.0 -
You're never going to regret waiting to have sex - you are never going to think "damn i wish we had sex earlier" but you might regret having it too soon though.
I've regretted waiting! Sex was bad and incompatible! Wish I hadn't wasted my time on the perv!! So I disagree hun, you CAN regret not finding out sooner! :flowerforyou:
ETA: And I've NEVER regretted having sex. No matter how long I waited or didnt wait! You just gotta follow your instincts and do what's right for you. And as the lady said above, as you get older the sex act becomes less precious.0
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