Treating dating like an audition...
La_Amazona
Posts: 4,855 Member
Here's an article from my fav blog.. baggage reclaim. Awesome stuff!!!
Rejection’ within dating and relationships is widely treated like ‘auditioning’ for a part and then failing to get the role. Think about this for a moment: It being treated like an audition means that someone always holds the power from the outset and your fate is being put in their hands. You have to interview, perform, demonstrate, convince – handing over all of your power in dating is like telling the other party to kick back and relax because you’re going to make all of the key effort. Based on what? They’re not God, a higher power, or that special!
What kind of expertise or power are you granting people? Which characteristics, qualities, and values are you assigning them that you can immediately or very quickly ascertain that you need to put on your costume? That they go to church? Have been in the same job for a gazillion years or are just very good at their job? They have big breasts or are well hung? Beautiful? Super-intelligent? Ph.d in People Picking? Good with animals and children? Money and status? Chemistry? Common interests? Good sense of humour?
Not one of these are reasons to demote yourself and act like you’re auditioning for a relationship.
Now you’d like to think that people who have the power to decide someone’s fate get it right every time, but yet there are a tonne of actors, authors, dancers, singers, job interviewees, successful entrepreneurs, sports stars and the list goes on, who have been rejected, and many of these have gone on to be more successful than people who they were rejected for, and many of the remainder are still trying. The ‘experts’ don’t always get it right and do back the wrong horse and often end up gritting their teeth or are even embarrassed at their failure to recognise a good opportunity.
That said, many of these same ‘experts’ believed in their own judgement at the time which may have been prejudiced by their mood, ego, favouritism, or any number of other factors that actually have nothing whatsoever to do with the fundamental talent, ability or whatever of the candidate. They didn’t have the vision, the patience, the creativity for it and ultimately went with what they felt was the right decision at that time. And it was the right decision – they snoozed, they lost.
They may regret their actions and reach out, by which time, the ‘passed over candidates’ have hopefully moved on and found success elsewhere, with someone who recognises their value. It’s similar in relationships.
What’s the difference between the person who experiences rejection in these circumstances but perseveres anyway, and the person who takes that person’s ‘judgement’ as ‘final’ or at least as an indictment of their abilities?
Belief – self-belief, belief in their work, their product, their service, their talent, their abilities, their experience etc that it will happen one day.
They keep trying, they keep knocking on doors, they where appropriate, take on feedback (hopefully from a respected source), they build on their strength’s, they work on any weaknesses, they continue to invest in themselves, and even when they waver or even have massive wobbles, they remember who they are and believe. They get back up.
This can be hard in dating…especially if like a salesperson that doesn’t qualify their ‘leads’ before they spend most of their time knocking on doors in a neighbourhood that isn’t the right target market for their product or service, you spend most of your time doorstepping in Unavailable Town or even Assclownville. It’s accentuated when you keep trying to convince that one or a few disinterested or half interested parties that keep throwing up objections, or when one person keeps calling you back for a wildcard ‘audition’ to try and convince them again, only to turn you down or make deal closing noises, only to back out at the last moment.
When all is said and done, you both have to choose and it’s got to be a mutual relationship, which means if you insist on behaving like you’re auditioning, at least do it on their basis that they’re doing it too – you’re both auditioning for a co-piloted relationship.
Hello! What do you think? What do you want? What do you need? It’s not all about them you know, especially when you don’t even know them to be handing over all of your power in the first place!
What about you? Aren’t you to be valued? Stop waiting for someone to scoop you out of a current life you don’t want and make your life for you. Aside from the fact that it’s too much power and responsibility to give to someone, if you took less of a passive role and weren’t afraid to be you and have boundaries, while you’d date less unavailable and shady folk, you’d be available for a mutually fulfilling available relationship and recognise one. You won’t be afraid to ask questions, to communicate, to have basic needs, to pick up the phone and you certainly won’t be abandoning your life so you can fit in with someone else’s agenda, often without being entirely sure of what it is, or knowing full well that you’re not on board with it.
The irony in all of this is that, if you stop auditioning, especially for people who you have no business elevating to expert judge status on a pedestal, you dramatically reduce the amount of ‘rejection’ in your dating life because whether they’re around for a hot minute, a few dates, or a relationship, you’re an equal and evaluating and choosing too.
When you stop auditioning for judges, your self-esteem will rise.
You won’t be thinking about things in terms of winning them over, which will prevent you from morphing and adapting to win a prize that you don’t even know that it’s a prize in the first place.
You’ll either both ‘get in’, or neither of you will, but the point is that you’ve either got to work together or go your own way. I’ve found in life that you have the people who want to try, the people who want to make the initial movements and then dump the load on you while enjoying the glory and the fringe benefits, and there are people who will ebb and flow, give and take, and work with you – trust me when I say that you won’t see this when you’re too busy worrying about pleasing someone and being accepted, treating them like the sun rises and sets on them. They’re just not that special.
And I should add – some of the people who didn’t know your value, or did, but thought that they could do better, will regret their decisions, but expect that you’ve found better. Some will regret, hunt you down (likely with a lazy text or Facebook message) and reel you in again, only to still have poor judgement. Hopefully you’re not secretly looking back and waiting around.
You could spend your whole life auditioning the crap out of yourself for one person or variations of a type, or you could know your own value and go where you’re wanted and can be equal – you won’t know where that is if you’re ‘auditioning’ and ‘convincing’.
Rejection’ within dating and relationships is widely treated like ‘auditioning’ for a part and then failing to get the role. Think about this for a moment: It being treated like an audition means that someone always holds the power from the outset and your fate is being put in their hands. You have to interview, perform, demonstrate, convince – handing over all of your power in dating is like telling the other party to kick back and relax because you’re going to make all of the key effort. Based on what? They’re not God, a higher power, or that special!
What kind of expertise or power are you granting people? Which characteristics, qualities, and values are you assigning them that you can immediately or very quickly ascertain that you need to put on your costume? That they go to church? Have been in the same job for a gazillion years or are just very good at their job? They have big breasts or are well hung? Beautiful? Super-intelligent? Ph.d in People Picking? Good with animals and children? Money and status? Chemistry? Common interests? Good sense of humour?
Not one of these are reasons to demote yourself and act like you’re auditioning for a relationship.
Now you’d like to think that people who have the power to decide someone’s fate get it right every time, but yet there are a tonne of actors, authors, dancers, singers, job interviewees, successful entrepreneurs, sports stars and the list goes on, who have been rejected, and many of these have gone on to be more successful than people who they were rejected for, and many of the remainder are still trying. The ‘experts’ don’t always get it right and do back the wrong horse and often end up gritting their teeth or are even embarrassed at their failure to recognise a good opportunity.
That said, many of these same ‘experts’ believed in their own judgement at the time which may have been prejudiced by their mood, ego, favouritism, or any number of other factors that actually have nothing whatsoever to do with the fundamental talent, ability or whatever of the candidate. They didn’t have the vision, the patience, the creativity for it and ultimately went with what they felt was the right decision at that time. And it was the right decision – they snoozed, they lost.
They may regret their actions and reach out, by which time, the ‘passed over candidates’ have hopefully moved on and found success elsewhere, with someone who recognises their value. It’s similar in relationships.
What’s the difference between the person who experiences rejection in these circumstances but perseveres anyway, and the person who takes that person’s ‘judgement’ as ‘final’ or at least as an indictment of their abilities?
Belief – self-belief, belief in their work, their product, their service, their talent, their abilities, their experience etc that it will happen one day.
They keep trying, they keep knocking on doors, they where appropriate, take on feedback (hopefully from a respected source), they build on their strength’s, they work on any weaknesses, they continue to invest in themselves, and even when they waver or even have massive wobbles, they remember who they are and believe. They get back up.
This can be hard in dating…especially if like a salesperson that doesn’t qualify their ‘leads’ before they spend most of their time knocking on doors in a neighbourhood that isn’t the right target market for their product or service, you spend most of your time doorstepping in Unavailable Town or even Assclownville. It’s accentuated when you keep trying to convince that one or a few disinterested or half interested parties that keep throwing up objections, or when one person keeps calling you back for a wildcard ‘audition’ to try and convince them again, only to turn you down or make deal closing noises, only to back out at the last moment.
When all is said and done, you both have to choose and it’s got to be a mutual relationship, which means if you insist on behaving like you’re auditioning, at least do it on their basis that they’re doing it too – you’re both auditioning for a co-piloted relationship.
Hello! What do you think? What do you want? What do you need? It’s not all about them you know, especially when you don’t even know them to be handing over all of your power in the first place!
What about you? Aren’t you to be valued? Stop waiting for someone to scoop you out of a current life you don’t want and make your life for you. Aside from the fact that it’s too much power and responsibility to give to someone, if you took less of a passive role and weren’t afraid to be you and have boundaries, while you’d date less unavailable and shady folk, you’d be available for a mutually fulfilling available relationship and recognise one. You won’t be afraid to ask questions, to communicate, to have basic needs, to pick up the phone and you certainly won’t be abandoning your life so you can fit in with someone else’s agenda, often without being entirely sure of what it is, or knowing full well that you’re not on board with it.
The irony in all of this is that, if you stop auditioning, especially for people who you have no business elevating to expert judge status on a pedestal, you dramatically reduce the amount of ‘rejection’ in your dating life because whether they’re around for a hot minute, a few dates, or a relationship, you’re an equal and evaluating and choosing too.
When you stop auditioning for judges, your self-esteem will rise.
You won’t be thinking about things in terms of winning them over, which will prevent you from morphing and adapting to win a prize that you don’t even know that it’s a prize in the first place.
You’ll either both ‘get in’, or neither of you will, but the point is that you’ve either got to work together or go your own way. I’ve found in life that you have the people who want to try, the people who want to make the initial movements and then dump the load on you while enjoying the glory and the fringe benefits, and there are people who will ebb and flow, give and take, and work with you – trust me when I say that you won’t see this when you’re too busy worrying about pleasing someone and being accepted, treating them like the sun rises and sets on them. They’re just not that special.
And I should add – some of the people who didn’t know your value, or did, but thought that they could do better, will regret their decisions, but expect that you’ve found better. Some will regret, hunt you down (likely with a lazy text or Facebook message) and reel you in again, only to still have poor judgement. Hopefully you’re not secretly looking back and waiting around.
You could spend your whole life auditioning the crap out of yourself for one person or variations of a type, or you could know your own value and go where you’re wanted and can be equal – you won’t know where that is if you’re ‘auditioning’ and ‘convincing’.
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Replies
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I love this. Thanks for sharing!0
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I think most of the guys on here have said the same thing: Self confidence makes you more comfortable, you smile more, you take the time to enjoy yourself, you have a better time, we have a better time, we value you more, good date.0
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true, but sometimes in my case, even when I seem confident, on the inside I'm a mess. I hide it good.0
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true, but sometimes in my case, even when I seem confident, on the inside I'm a mess. I hide it good.
You should not seem confident. You should be confident. You're a beautiful woman with so much to offer. So, be, don't seem.0 -
I am... but sometimes when I like the guy, I question everything. It's hard being a woman!!! :sad:
Thanks for the compliments... :flowerforyou:0 -
I am... but sometimes when I like the guy, I question everything. It's hard being a woman!!! :sad:
Thanks for the compliments... :flowerforyou:
Hey remember it wasn't just you!
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Good article! Thanks for posting.
I'm fairly confident, but I still fall into the "omg will he like me" trap before first dates. One of my male friends helped a lot. He just couldn't get over how important the opinion of someone who doesn't know me was to me. Generally, I'm not the slightest bit bothered what strangers think of me, so thinking of it this way really helped me to see it differently.0 -
Kinda what I was going to say (except that I'm a man! :sick:). When you feel a strong attraction towards the other person, you don't want to mess up, so this definitely makes the pressure more palpable.I am... but sometimes when I like the guy, I question everything. It's hard being a woman!!! :sad:
Still, when dating (or in love in general), you tend to open yourself - your true self, and are trying to show the best side of you, thus you can't help but taking it personally when something goes wrong... But that's part of the deal.
Nice read though, very interesting.0 -
Flamfloz, so maybe it's not insecurity? Maybe just normal... to a point???
I know with my last crush, I was myself (still am as we're friends) and once we had the friends talk, I questioned everything I had done.. Did I act too immature, did he think I was a party girl, did he like bigger boobs (I saw a Pamela Anderson calendar at his place lol), WHY THE HELL DOESN'T HE LIKE ME?!? He seemed into me at first then it died. When was the moment he decided he didn't like me in that way? Tons of questions, no answers, just doubt... in myself.
I didn't like the feeling. So this time around, I'm taking the reigns and will not turn into a mess. If this new guy likes me, great, I will be myself, I will drink, I will rock my awesome sarcastic humor, I will wear my medium boobs with pride and it's his loss if he passes me up. :drinker:0 -
First dates an interview...0
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Great post. I know the feeling of being in an audition and I've also been confident in myself. The latter is how I am these days. Basically, if its going to work, its going to work because there is a mutual attraction. And you can't beat being yourself for that attraction to be genuine and real. Have confidence in yourself and the right person, the compatible person, the person you click with, will reciprocate. The wrong person will move on eventually no matter how much you act it up, you have to be yourself eventually, so why not stand up and be proud of who you are right from the word go!
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Flamfloz, so maybe it's not insecurity? Maybe just normal... to a point???
I know with my last crush, I was myself (still am as we're friends) and once we had the friends talk, I questioned everything I had done.. Did I act too immature, did he think I was a party girl, did he like bigger boobs (I saw a Pamela Anderson calendar at his place lol), WHY THE HELL DOESN'T HE LIKE ME?!? He seemed into me at first then it died. When was the moment he decided he didn't like me in that way? Tons of questions, no answers, just doubt... in myself.
I didn't like the feeling. So this time around, I'm taking the reigns and will not turn into a mess. If this new guy likes me, great, I will be myself, I will drink, I will rock my awesome sarcastic humor, I will wear my medium boobs with pride and it's his loss if he passes me up. :drinker:
They say there is ONE person for everyone. So statistically, the other 30billion potential mates on this earth are just not the ONE! Nothing to do with you or your boobs, its just he wasn't the special ONE! :flowerforyou:0 -
I am... but sometimes when I like the guy, I question everything. It's hard being a woman!!! :sad:
Thanks for the compliments... :flowerforyou:
Hey remember it wasn't just you!
Consider it's hard being human. Everybody, man and woman, has inside battles. The article is great! Thank you for sharing this. Remember, for every battle you're having inside, the person sitting across from you is experiencing their own internal strife.0 -
I think we all question our actions. I try to audition the guys and not the other way around
It helps with my neves and I feel much more confident and powerful. 0 -
New guy has opened up to me about how nervous he was about meeting. We talked a while last night and I could tell it definately helped us get more comfy with one another.
It makes it easier to know he's just as nervous as I am. He also mentioned how awkward it is to end the 1st date. I agree. I don't kiss on the first date so usually it's a hug for me. Anywho, glad he's being open about his side of the game.0 -
I think we all question our actions. I try to audition the guys and not the other way around It helps with my neves and I feel much more confident and powerful.
Yup, this is how I went in with new guy and it was completely different than all my other 1st dates as far as my feelings. I was still nervous but not nervous about whether or not he'd like me, just nervous because I am shy around new people. I felt confident, hot and by the end of the date, I really didn't think he was interested (come to find out he was prob more nervous than I was!) and it was no big deal. I just figured if I heard from him, it'd be a nice surprise, if I didn't well.. NEXT.0 -
a wise man told me that he doesn't term it as a date, but a meet. you're meeting someone and getting to know them as a potential friend. even if you don't click as in 'having sparks fly', you may click as friends! I have 2 such friends (although one I have yet to meet...)0
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:frown: Do you realise that, if this was true, you would have actually more chance to win the lottery than to meet the ONE?They say there is ONE person for everyone. So statistically, the other 30billion potential mates on this earth are just not the ONE! Nothing to do with you or your boobs, its just he wasn't the special ONE! :flowerforyou:
I guess it's more something like 1 person out of 50 that is a potential "one" (number I pulled out of my @ss), if you're picky that's 1 out of 2 dates, if you date everyone, that's 1 out of 50 dates.0 -
:frown: Do you realise that, if this was true, you would have actually more chance to win the lottery than to meet the ONE?They say there is ONE person for everyone. So statistically, the other 30billion potential mates on this earth are just not the ONE! Nothing to do with you or your boobs, its just he wasn't the special ONE! :flowerforyou:
I guess it's more something like 1 person out of 50 that is a potential "one" (number I pulled out of my @ss), if you're picky that's 1 out of 2 dates, if you date everyone, that's 1 out of 50 dates.
I was exagerating to make a point :laugh: Although, it really does seem that I DO have a better chance of winning the lottery than meeting another ONE in my life!! ....... We can but hope 0 -
Just be real, and hopefully there's a free flowing conversation and good vibes. Relationships are best when things feel natural.0
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What??? It's not an audition??? Oh dear, those poor guys. I never even gave them a second chance. I thought they were auditioning for the role of my leading man.
hahahaha!
I think we all feel that way, especially as women who are given so many conflicting signals about what men want. It takes time to regain our confidence and re-establish who we are after a significant life change.0 -
Actually, this just reminded me of some speed dating evening I have done a few months ago, we had about 3 minutes each and this girl kept asking questions.
She asked the first question as soon as I sat, and basically just before I'd finished answering it, she would ask another question and so on and so forth. :noway:
Initially, I didn't want to come across as rude so answered the questions, but after probably about 2 minutes thinking "CAN I ASK A F'IN QUESTION GODAMMIT???!!!" I just raised my hand and interrupted her: "Wowowow! It's all nice and well, but I'd like to get to know you better too. You need to let me ask some questions too! Otherwise there is no way I can know if I'm interested or not!".
I wasn't interested any more at this stage tbh because it REALLY felt like an interrogation, but I was the first person she talked to this evening so I figured out it might help her.
Interrogations are scary.0 -
On the flip side, I was thinking this last night. I want the guy I'm dating to ask me questions... lots of them. I want him to want to know ME, not just be with me to date someone.
I ask lots and lots of questions but I don't interrogate. I make it cute and giggle and all that girly jazz. :blushing:0 -
Just be real, and hopefully there's a free flowing conversation and good vibes. Relationships are best when things feel natural.
By the way, you have said this several times and I want to say that I have remembered it. It will replay and it's completely true!0 -
On the flip side, I was thinking this last night. I want the guy I'm dating to ask me questions... lots of them.
Wow, I'm so opposite! I generally like the guy to do half, even most (just not all), of the talking. I get creeped out when he gets me talking all the time and keeps asking question after question, as if he's fishing for info to manipulate later (or pretend he's everything I want until I'm hooked).
have fun tonight!0
This discussion has been closed.