Ew... (ED rant)

skywa

I've been in denial for a long time for some reason. I knew i was relapsing. Falling into my old habits on occation, but i always managed to pull myself together. So i though i was okay. I thought that this wasn't going to be an issue. That i was prioratizing my health above all else.

I guess was wrong.

The past month i've been purging on and off and restricting on occation as well. It only happened once in a while at first. But it just keeps getting worse. I can't eat a single thing without feeling terribly full and wanting to purge. I cant put anything into my body without thinking "Ew, this is going to make me fatter than i already am." The past week i've purged EVERY single bite i've put into my mouth. Yesterday it purged so much i nearly fainted. Black spots danced in front of my vision as i drove home. My ears popped. Everything got kind of fuzzy for a while. Its happened before, but not for this long.

It seems all of this is making me increasingly depressed. I purge and restrict because im upset. Doing it makes me more upset, disrupts my my moods, ****s with my hormones. I purge more to compensate. It goes on and on, and then before i know it there's nothing left in me to purge.

I am so tired. So hungry. So full. So needy. I am holding it all in. ALL OF IT. And its just driving me absolutely mad.

I hate that no one knows about this. I hate having this ugly secret. But its just too embaressing to share.

I refuse to be known as disordered. FAT and disordered. I just can't deal with that. I cant deal with people knowing me, judging me like that... I just...cant.

Ugh..sorry i had to get this out. I just dont know what to do. I can't get treatment on island. If i were to leave everyone would find out. I am not sick enough for treatment anyways. I just...need to get out of this rut on my own. I just dont know where to start, i feel like im stuck in a cycle i cant escape on my own.

PercivalHackworth

Skywa,
as you may have understood, the ED is just a symptom - for others it takes other shapes. I'm quite sure you know intimately what are your boundaries to that disease. I can only speak about mine - which was self-acceptance. Self-acceptance that definitely kicked-in the last month.
I said to a friend who has been put back to the hospital "We don't give a damn about your bulimia crisises, it's not important at all to focus on that" - Because she focused, and because she didn't kept a head light - she now on 24/7 probes.

I won't lie either - you definitely need to eat more. You have solid skills in nutrition, don't do the same mistakes as I did : use that skill in a pervert way, eg : how to burn as fat as possible . UponThisRock replied on a thread, to as person who were asking about how to measure the body fat "What matters is what you see in the mirror".

If you have read my blog, you figured, like you, I'm only (WIP) obsessed by fat.The last week, after my post-wo meal (1800 calories + mini binge) when I woke up, my first fear is that a fat layer would have cover my abs - and I told "Ok I definitely gained".

One day, my "Word of the day" was :

I just replied to a MTP Friend something I think interesting to share :
(She had a binge and afraid to remain fat forever) :

You won't since you keep the head up. A binge won't make you fat. Years of binges will. What you call binge is for many a simple snack. Don't worry :-)


Yesterday, I was quite surprised when we measured my body fat : 5,6%
I was so desperate to be overweight, that without noticing I've now a competitor BF.
Word of the day : Perspective.
Always put things in perspective : Easier for you to consider yourself ugly and fat rather than beautiful and powerful. Societies set standards we all want to tend to.
We loose time, spend money, forget to take care of the people we love for a goal we will never reach ; since we don't know ourselves what we want.
Time... do you really expect via the new Life you are into : healthier meals, trainings, dynamic, motivation that you could go back to the old fat you ? You will one day gain pounds... then what ? I mean, ater that ?
It will need years (3-4-6 years) of junk food, and bad habits to ruin everything. I did drugs for some years, and I saw how deep I was.... you really think I'll go back to it ? Do you really think you'll be in front of your comfy sofa, looking Oprah with your beast friend "mister Ice cream" ?
Nope you'll be doing your running and logging here the hundreds of calories you burn... I love being here, we all have a personal history with food, but eh I'd rather spending hours working on a eating-disorder-kick-*kitten*-diary, than being under a bridge, arms open I say, love yourself (I love you!)
[/b]

Look at yourselves, a friend once told me "Be ashamed for what you are doing for yourselves, it does some good, you'll see..."
He was right. Let the week-end end, and restart everything on monday.

#1- Take my sheet
#2- Set realistic goals
#3- Remove the food you are not ready to eat
#4- Everyday you weight yourself, take nice pictures of you at the same time
#5- Don't run away and don't lie, you know you are not eating enough. And you already have the BF sexy BB (girls) have, but they feed their beast, not you (yet)
#6- Don't run from the binges, analyze them. I used to go to bed right after a binge, and feel miserable. The last I had were analyzed real-time "Ok why am I doing this, I had a crappy day, etc.."
#7- Don't purge, it's an insult to your body, give it what it deserves for all the energy you ask him to provide. See it as a fantastic beast

#8- My moto "If it ain"t TDEE + 3500, it ain't fat bro"
#9- Chill, breath, and don't expect to change everything in a night - you are still sexy, but pushing too far will make you pass the limit when one's foot doesn't touches ground anymore ---> Hospital and medications, good luck
#10- You would be even more sexy by putting lean mass, so stop the mess before it's too late
#11- Like me, the challenge would be even more interesting : in how much time will you be able to add lean mass without the fat that goes along --> That is the dream of soooooooo many BB and sport people
#12- "Life is More than a Chinese Puzzle"

littlemili

Yesterday it purged so much i nearly fainted. Black spots danced in front of my vision as i drove home. My ears popped. Everything got kind of fuzzy for a while. Its happened before, but not for this long.

I am not sick enough for treatment anyways. I just...need to get out of this rut on my own. I just dont know where to start, i feel like im stuck in a cycle i cant escape on my own.

You need treatment, and very urgently. Please, please - I don't care what you have to do, but GET TREATMENT. those symptoms you are describing are incredibly dangerous and could be life threatening unless you seek intervention very soon, by which I mean you need to talk to someone today. this 'not sick enough' thing is your disorder talking. You are young, beautiful, intelligent and you don't deserve to feel like this. Nothing is more important than you mental and physical health, and if that means leaving the island for a while you have to do it. I am now 2 years behind in college because of my anorexia but you know what? Best thing I ever did. Yes, every student and professor in my tiny college knows about it. Yes, it's going to have a bearing on how my life pans out in a big way. But I promise you will not regret seeking treatment. You know there is a life waiting for you to get back to and enjoy and live properly - an eating disordered life is no life at all, and honestly, if you don't seek treatment you might quite literally end up with no life at all. I'm sorry to sound so extreme but I am just telling you the honest truth. Your post scares me and if I could I would come over there, buy you a plane ticket and check you in myself.

skywa

Why, why, why am i getting sick again?

I am at a loss as to how this could happen.

I was always the type to restrict, now that I'm past that, i find myself purging. At first, on occasion. Now its a full blown disorder.

I can't even deny it anymore.

I keep trying to stop myself but its getting worse and worse.

I have cuts on my hand that are callusing.

I can't eat anything too cold without discomfort because my teeth are so sensitive.

I am now binging (i did for the first time last night), and purging is becoming painful.

WHY CANT I STOP ALREADY?

Ugh. I can't get help here either. I have to help myself, i just have no idea how.

I am stopping, RIGHT NOW. I need too. I really really really ****ing need to stop now.