Am I too superficial?
Meghan0116
Posts: 1,263 Member
Okay, I am going to have a hard time with this post because I am ashamed with myself. I had a date last night with a really nice guy. We have been talking for a week now and were able to meet for drinks last night. I wasn't sure I would be attracted to him but thought, you never know until you meet. So, last night I got all dolled up and was really nervous. I always get nervous. We arrive at the bar at the same time and he gets out. I already knew he was tall, 6'6, but what I didn't realize is that he is really really thin. We talked for 3 hours and had a good time. He is funny, smart, and interesting. Unfortunately, I am just not physically attracted to him.
I feel so superficial and I hate it. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to hurt his feelings, he asked to see me again after last night and I said okay, because that is the person I am. Please help.
I feel so superficial and I hate it. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to hurt his feelings, he asked to see me again after last night and I said okay, because that is the person I am. Please help.
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Hehe, I'm right there with you girl!
My 2nd date went great as far as fun but the 1st thing I noticed when I saw him on the 1st date was how thin he was. He later shared that he had lost a lot of weight over the last year (close to 100lbs) and is really mindful of not gaining. In his profile pics, he looked very very very good though. He looked lean but with some nice muscles (he was wearing t shirts on most of his pics) but in person he looked like he had lost another 15lb-20lbs. I like lean guys but he weighs less than me! Anywho, I still went out with him again obviously and I can say that I AM attracted to him somewhat but not crazy about him.
It doesn't make us superficial. We have our preferences. I am usually attracted to white men (although I'm open to other races), doesn't make me racist. I like taller guys because I'm tall, sorry short guys, etc etc.0 -
Hm .. that is tough. Did you have fun? Is he someone you would want to spend time with? Sometimes attraction comes after knowing a person. Sometimes .. it doesn't. lol. I wouldn't want to be judged because I was fat or skinny .. but if there is no attraction there... there is no attraction. But sometimes it has nothing to do with weight or how they look .. there are some men that I find utterly unattractive because of their thought process ..lol. Some people I find utterly unattractive suddenly become attractive when I see their thought process.
If after spending time with him .. there is zero pull towards him, then I probably wouldn't continue past the second date. But I would go on a second date just to make sure.
Oh .. edited to add .. does NOT make you superficial. You like what you like.0 -
Whether or not you're too superficial doesn't matter when it comes to how to handle this guy. I would certainly do some self-reflection on this (I am not at all attracted to someone so thin they feel like hugging my son, and I don't think that's superficial), but the fact is, you feel how you feel. I wouldn't ask him this, but if you did ask him if he wanted to be with a great woman who thinks he's a great guy but doesn't find him sexually attractive he will probably say NO.
Also, your post reminds me of a particular friend who married someone they weren't attracted to because "looks shouldn't matter," "you're supposed to marry your best friend," and "aside from that, he's a great guy." Not only did the marriage not work out, but the "unattractive" husband (who thought he would be ok once he GOT the pretty girl) never got over knowing he didn't float the girl's boat. Ruined his self esteem.0 -
Oh, and I just wanna add: How many guys meet us in person and care about hurting our feelings when they never call again? Not many. And I don't think it's because they are jerks (some are, lol) but because it's not that big a deal to them. Not justifying the behavior, but just saying it probably wouldn't hurt his feelings as much as you think it might.0
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Oh, and I just wanna add: How many guys meet us in person and care about hurting our feelings when they never call again? Not many. And I don't think it's because they are jerks (some are, lol) but because it's not that big a deal to them. Not justifying the behavior, but just saying it probably wouldn't hurt his feelings as much as you think it might.
Yuppers. I agree. My date and I got to talking about our online dating experience for a bit and he said things about overweight gals and how he isn't attracted to bigger girls. I even mentioned that when it came to listing my body type, I was confused (I put a few extra pounds). He then said how some girls will put average and that they are "way over average". :huh: I just kept saying how it's hard for a woman to even figure that out. So I can almost guarantee that if my profile had been up a year ago when I was heavier, he would have skipped over me.0 -
Weird... Women have been posting all of last week about them being able to go past the physical side of things if the guy is a gentleman etc... :laugh: Tell him he should treat you nicely and things will be OK.
Just trying to be funny (and failing miserably) of course. :flowerforyou:
Well, in my book, you've got three options:
- Decide to never tell him and end up married with a stick for the rest of your days.
- Ask the guy to hit the gym big time and to call you back in 6 months.
- Tell him that you enjoyed the date, but you realised you didn't feel that much chemistry in the end, as you were reflecting about what happened the other night again. And wish him best of luck.
Guy will be sad, but he'll live. It's plausible, and he has no reason to believe it.
EDIT: Yeah... Basically, if you don't want to see him again, just tell him ASAP. Don't get married to the guy (as it seems it has happened to others :noway: )! He might call you a liar/indecisive woman when doing a field report to his friends, but it's a cheap price to pay for freedom.0 -
Thanks ladies and gentleman. It wasn't just him being thin. Here is what is going to make me sound very superficial. It was really the whole package. I have a thing about teeth and so there was an issue there. I just felt no physical pull to him. He is really nice and fun but it just wasn't there for me. I feel like an *kitten*.0
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If you are not attracted to him for whatever reasons then so be it,nothing says anyone has to for anyone else.
Honestly,it is okay.0 -
Thanks ladies and gentleman. It wasn't just him being thin. Here is what is going to make me sound very superficial. It was really the whole package. I have a thing about teeth and so there was an issue there. I just felt no physical pull to him. He is really nice and fun but it just wasn't there for me. I feel like an *kitten*.
Don't feel like an *kitten*!! I don't... haha0 -
Yeh .. I have a thing with teeth too. lol
Like someone said above .. if it isn't there for men they don't have a problem just not calling back .. ever. lol. Give him more respect than that, but don't feel bad about it. He is someone elses it. He's just not yours.0 -
Weird... Women have been posting all of last week about them being able to go past the physical side of things if the guy is a gentleman etc... :laugh: Tell him he should treat you nicely and things will be OK.
Just trying to be funny (and failing miserably) of course. :flowerforyou:
Well, in my book, you've got three options:
- Decide to never tell him and end up married with a stick for the rest of your days.
- Ask the guy to hit the gym big time and to call you back in 6 months.
- Tell him that you enjoyed the date, but you realised you didn't feel that much chemistry in the end, as you were reflecting about what happened the other night again. And wish him best of luck.
Guy will be sad, but he'll live. It's plausible, and he has no reason to believe it.
I said I HAD to be physically attracted to someone BUT that yes, a good personality then kicks up the the attraction 100 times. I'm not ashamed to say I NEED to WANT to "bang" my SO. Yes, I said bang.
The "decide to never tell him and end up married with a stick for the rest of your days" made me laugh.0 -
Don't feel like an *kitten*.
The guy probably is probably crying in front of his phone right now...
:laugh: Just joking!0 -
I think one of the reasons i feel bad is that he seemed really into me and full confession, he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay. It wasn't bad but no tingles, nothing.0
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Don't feel like an *kitten*.
The guy probably is probably crying in front of his phone right now...
:laugh: Just joking!
Now that is just cruel! lol I will have you know that he texted me and I did respond this morning.
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Oooooh .. he texted you already this morning? yikes. He IS into you. lol0
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I think one of the reasons i feel bad is that he seemed really into me and full confession, he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay. It wasn't bad but no tingles, nothing.
Like the song says "it's in his kiss". If I'm not sure about someone (like my recent date), the kiss will prove it all. Granted you knew before you kissed him so next time you need to listen to yourself! I would have skipped out on the kiss. I did that once when a guy asked me to kiss him after a date and I had ZERO attraction to him physically. I felt bad for him but proud of myself for not giving into "pressure".0 -
I think one of the reasons i feel bad is that he seemed really into me and full confession, he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay. It wasn't bad but no tingles, nothing.
Like the song says "it's in his kiss". If I'm not sure about someone (like my recent date), the kiss will prove it all. Granted you knew before you kissed him so next time you need to listen to yourself! I would have skipped out on the kiss. I did that once when a guy asked me to kiss him after a date and I had ZERO attraction to him physically. I felt bad for him but proud of myself for not giving into "pressure".
Did you just say no?0 -
I think one of the reasons i feel bad is that he seemed really into me and full confession, he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay. It wasn't bad but no tingles, nothing.
Like the song says "it's in his kiss". If I'm not sure about someone (like my recent date), the kiss will prove it all. Granted you knew before you kissed him so next time you need to listen to yourself! I would have skipped out on the kiss. I did that once when a guy asked me to kiss him after a date and I had ZERO attraction to him physically. I felt bad for him but proud of myself for not giving into "pressure".
Did you just say no?
I put my hand up to his mouth and pushed him away...
j/k.
He said "can I kiss you?" I smiled and said "I'm sorry but I just don't see us in that way." Then he said "oh come on" like he didn't believe me. :ohwell: Granted it was the 2nd date and since I went out with him again, he assumed I liked him that way but I didn't. I was very new to dating at this point and I should have skipped out on the 2nd date (now I know better). So again I said how I just didn't see him in that way (nicely) and hugged him. I got in my car and left. Then I felt like an *kitten* but again, I was proud of myself. We later texted and I told him that I was sorry if I had led him on but I liked him more as a friend. Several weeks later, we went out again as friends and still hang out from time to time.0 -
Oh! So we just have to ask...he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay.
Can I kiss you too? :smooched:
Love this "okay guy" pic, I feel so like him sometimes. :laugh:
http://memegenerator.net/Okay-Guy0 -
You are not superficial at all. What is the likelihood that you would be attracted to every single person you went on one date with anyway? That being said, I think you have to toss the "nice guy" thing out the window - he wasn't rude or a jerk, which makes him neutral. Now, where does he score on a scale of 1-10 with all the other qualities you are looking for? If it's an 8 or higher maybe go out one more time just to confirm your gut feeling and attraction level. If it's less than that, you can politely decline another date and move on.0
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I put my hand up to his mouth and pushed him away...
j/k.
He said "can I kiss you?" I smiled and said "I'm sorry but I just don't see us in that way." Then he said "oh come on" like he didn't believe me. :ohwell: Granted it was the 2nd date and since I went out with him again, he assumed I liked him that way but I didn't. I was very new to dating at this point and I should have skipped out on the 2nd date (now I know better). So again I said how I just didn't see him in that way (nicely) and hugged him. I got in my car and left. Then I felt like an *kitten* but again, I was proud of myself. We later texted and I told him that I was sorry if I had led him on but I liked him more as a friend. Several weeks later, we went out again as friends and still hang out from time to time.
Lmao I wish I had done that. Ugh. I hate dating.0 -
Oh! So we just have to ask...he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay.
Can I kiss you too? :smooched:
Love this "okay guy" pic, I feel so like him sometimes. :laugh:
http://memegenerator.net/Okay-Guy
Absolutely. mmmmmmmwwwwwwwwahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hehe0 -
You are not superficial at all. What is the likelihood that you would be attracted to every single person you went on one date with anyway? That being said, I think you have to toss the "nice guy" thing out the window - he wasn't rude or a jerk, which makes him neutral. Now, where does he score on a scale of 1-10 with all the other qualities you are looking for? If it's an 8 or higher maybe go out one more time just to confirm your gut feeling and attraction level. If it's less than that, you can politely decline another date and move on.
Okay, that is a great question. He is probably at 6-7 but I know that I don't want to have sex with him and that pretty much seals the deal for me.
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You are definitely not superficial. I agree with another post that you can't be attracted to every guy that you date.0
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Yeah, I know. I guess there is a part of me that was hopeful because he is so nice.
I am also thinking that maybe I am not ready. Last night when I got home, I realized that I enjoy being by myself and not having to worry about meeting the needs of another person other than my son.0 -
Basically, if you don't want to see him again, just tell him ASAP. Don't get married to the guy (as it seems it has happened to others :noway: )!
Well, the guy I mentioned was her best friend in college and knew, from experience, what kind of guy she was attracted to and that he wasn't it. In his case, he told me he just figured the attraction had built over the time of their friendship since they did everything together. When I asked, "But didn't she tell you over and over she was not attracted to you," his response was: "Yeah, but I thought she was just saying that to keep me out of her pants til marriage." These are some of my best friends, which is why I know this. His self esteem still hasn't recovered.0 -
I think you have to toss the "nice guy" thing out the window - he wasn't rude or a jerk, which makes him neutral.
And not only that, but it was a first date. You don't know if he's *really* a nice guy, or was just acting like one. Most guys I've known put up a front for the first couple months.0 -
That's a good point. I am just such a weenie and hate hurting anyone's feelings.0
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I think one of the reasons i feel bad is that he seemed really into me and full confession, he asked if he could kiss me and I didn't know what to say so I said okay. It wasn't bad but no tingles, nothing.
Game problem right there. A guy is never supposed to ask. We're supposed to go for it. There's a certain process to go through to feel out if she's going to be receptive to the advance. Problem is, this guy probably didn't go through the process.
The process isn't fool proof either, but it helps.0 -
Game problem right there. A guy is never supposed to ask. We're supposed to go for it. There's a certain process to go through to feel out if she's going to be receptive to the advance. Problem is, this guy probably didn't go through the process.
The process isn't fool proof either, but it helps.
Now you have to share. What is the process? He was just supposed to sneak one in? lol0
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