paying for dates

PeekABooGirl

This topic came up on the "dating more than one person" thread and I was hoping to go into more detail...so thought a new thread may be in order......

I've not dated in a decade or more....so I'm curious as to what the expectations or norm are now.

What are the guidelines everyone goes on, and guys especially, what's your take?

Typically what I would do when the bill comes is to go for my purse and offer to pay. Typically before I even get my wallet out, he'll have said "I've got this" or something of that nature. At that point - is it best to just say thank you or would the guy prefer for the girl to try harder. ("Are you sure? Here, let me give you money towards it" or "No, I insist, let me pay for my 1/2" etc) Now I should note that unless the guy is in a bad financial place, I would go ahead and pay my part but would probably not go on another date with him. BUT if I know that he's struggling financially, I've got no problems with splitting.

So lets say you go out to dinner and THEN go out for drinks or play pool or whatever - at that point should the woman be paying for part 2 of the date? Or some scenerio as part 1?

And how long does this go on. Obviously I'm gonna feel like crap if we go out weekend after weekend and he keeps insisting on paying. I honestly do believe that there are some guys who would prefer to pay and feel embarressed at the idea of a woman paying for the date. I've dated some guys where he obviously is uncomfortable at me even trying to pay.

So what's the best way to handle all of this for not just a first date but dates beyond that??

Women and mens points of view are greatly appreciated!!

JanieJack

I'm looking forward to this... it seriously never occurred to me that guys expect women to chip in on dates until I read this forum. I've offered a couple times only because I'd gone out with the guy more than twice (rare), and felt like I should do something, but it wasn't received well. So now I don't even think about it. I'll pay if I'm inviting a guy somewhere (to an event, to a game, etc) but generally I'm not inviting guys on "dates." Other than that, the only other times I've offered to pay was when I'm pretty sure he's put me in the friends category, but I still like him enough to hang out as friends.

I've gone out quite a bit in the last 3 years, and I've only once had a guy ask me to cover part of the costs (and I thought poorly of him). In fact, one of my dates even surprised me by meeting me as I drove up to the restaurant and paying my parking fee before I could. I may have to re-think this after this discussion, but in the meantime "if it ain't broke don't fix it."

JanieJack

And how long does this go on. Obviously I'm gonna feel like crap if we go out weekend after weekend and he keeps insisting on paying.

Ok, i'm not gonna post a million times and be a threadkiller on this one... but I just wanted to throw out one last thing: After enough dates, I do feel like it's my turn to plan something, invite him somewhere, cook dinner or something to recipricate (which then means covering the cost). So I don't look at is as going out weekend after weekend with me doing nothing. After awhile, as you get to know each other an settle into a relationship, your time spent together isn't just going to be dinners out. I guess I just feel really weird going out to dinner and paying if I'm on a date. If I'm out with a guy friend, then yeah I plan to pay (if he lets me-some of them don't).

flimflamfloz

I think you'll find that everyone has a different opinion, but that the general trend is what you've said...

i.e.:
- The waiter drops the bill towards the table and carefully backs off
- Man energetically grabs the bill before it even touches the table and offers to pay, he subsequently engage in doing some chest-beating with his hands and flexes his arms
- Woman blushes and timidly takes her purse out insinuating in a well-codified ritual that she is considering paying :blushing: while secretly hopping the man will insist on paying
- Man growls, and laughs loudly, and scratches his head. He then shakes his head. :noway: Man is secretly bitter he had to pay but doesn't want to show it. :grumble: He growls again to signify he will pay the whole meal.
- Woman emits a shriek, showing satisfaction and approval. Woman sighs and feels relieved she didn't have to pay. :laugh:
- Man grabs a handful of notes and throw them at the waiter's face. :mad: He growls again, and waiter understand he can keep the change. :explode:
- Woman looks with hear shaped, lustful eyes at the man: what a man she thinks in herself.
- Man smiles, scratches his head, and does some chest-beating again. He's proven he is the man. :smokin:

Rinse and repeat. Win every time because women are materialistic innit? They want your dough so just spend it ostensibly.

Sorry. I was being sarcastic. :bigsmile:

flimflamfloz

Serious answer:
- If you don't care whether guys pay or not, then offer to pay. In any case - guy accepts or refuse your money, you're happy.
- If you want a guy who pays, then don't offer to pay and let him pay. If he doesn't want to pay, clearly this isn't the guy for you.
Easy screening. Win/win. :happy:

I mean you are asking what society does in general, which is irrelevant if you are saying "I don't like men who don't pay" (I think women will make exceptions to this rule if they like the guy enough for other reasons than if he paid or not, though).

Or are you asking what society does now (just in case the new trend is "men don't pay") so that you can bow to social pressure and learn to "like men who don't pay"? :huh:
I personally don't think this is so important to women if they even come to ask what the current norm is. This means it is not a core value. :drinker:

PS: And men who are "offended" when girl pays... Really? Is it like they feel less manly or something? :laugh: Don't need to pay to know I'm a man - tyvm.

/THREADJACKING I'm talking to myself here. Sad, sad man. :sad:

La_Amazona

I won't be paying for first dates because I don't ask guys out on first dates. I won't even grab for my purse. :indifferent: I just have never thought about it.

But if we go out on 2nd date, like I said, I'd pay for a round or 2 of drinks or I'd offer to buy us some late night food if we were out late or some icecream if we were walking.. something like that from that point on.

If I was exclusive with someone, I'd share the costs of our dates or pay for myself sometimes. Let's say we go to an amusement park.. I wouldn't expect him to buy my ticket unless it was a gift or something. Of if we went to an expensive concert, I'd pay for my own ticket.
What if we were to take a trip? I wouldn't let him pay for all the expenses.. we could split it or what not...

This is all saying that my man would be okay with it.. if he wasn't then I'd let him do what he wanted and pay for moi.

j4nash

This is my logic. Extreme example but not unheard of.

Woman: 100k a year salary
Guy: 100k a year salary

Both the woman and guy have a career, same amount of money.

Timeline:

1st month, guy pays for dates. Cool, let's just say $80 a date. 4 dates - $320
3 months into it. Guy still paying for dates. More involved now so twice a week for months 2 and 3. $1280.

So far about $1500 for just three months. Let's say the woman doesn't reciprocate and it's expected that a guy pays for everything. Guy has spent over $1500 dollars and the woman hasn't spent anything. She's the career woman, she can afford it (as the guy can) but doesn't due to traditionalist values. Over the course of a year relationship the guy is out thousands and the woman lines her checkbook. Check comes, woman looks at man with expectation to pay. Guy has two options, continue going out or change the behavior of the relationship to include less outings. After all, staying at home is a lot cheaper than dinner right?

If said relationship fails, woman walks away (from a financial standpoint) in a much better place. Why? Because of traditionalist gender roles. Doesn't make any sense to me.

DMZ_1

Flamfloz got the general dance of paying right.

The way around it is simple. Low cost dates. I usually pick up Dates 1-3. After about the 3rd date, I expect some sort of contribution, especially if the activity is reasonably expensive.

It's not a good feeling when you spend a good amount on a date & you know there's not going to be a repeat.

I think it is best to take cost out of the equation early on, and just get to know each other as people.

j4nash

I won't be paying for first dates because I don't ask guys out on first dates. I won't even grab for my purse. :indifferent: I just have never thought about it.

But if we go out on 2nd date, like I said, I'd pay for a round or 2 of drinks or I'd offer to buy us some late night food if we were out late or some icecream if we were walking.. something like that from that point on.

If I was exclusive with someone, I'd share the costs of our dates or pay for myself sometimes. Let's say we go to an amusement park.. I wouldn't expect him to buy my ticket unless it was a gift or something. Of if we went to an expensive concert, I'd pay for my own ticket.
What if we were to take a trip? I wouldn't let him pay for all the expenses.. we could split it or what not...

This is all saying that my man would be okay with it.. if he wasn't then I'd let him do what he wanted and pay for moi.

This is what my expectations are as well.

Nothing better than surprising your s/o though with a nice gift or surprise. I want to feel I'm doing something for someone because I want to, not because I have to.

DMZ_1

This is my logic. Extreme example but not unheard of.

Woman: 100k a year salary
Guy: 100k a year salary

Both the woman and guy have a career, same amount of money.

Timeline:

1st month, guy pays for dates. Cool, let's just say $80 a date. 4 dates - $320
3 months into it. Guy still paying for dates. More involved now so twice a week for months 2 and 3. $1280.

So far about $1500 for just three months. Let's say the woman doesn't reciprocate and it's expected that a guy pays for everything. Guy has spent over $1500 dollars and the woman hasn't spent anything. She's the career woman, she can afford it (as the guy can) but doesn't due to traditionalist values. Over the course of a year relationship the guy is out thousands and the woman lines her checkbook. Check comes, woman looks at man with expectation to pay. Guy has two options, continue going out or change the behavior of the relationship to include less outings. After all, staying at home is a lot cheaper than dinner right?

If said relationship fails, woman walks away (from a financial standpoint) in a much better place. Why? Because of traditionalist gender roles. Doesn't make any sense to me.

Does MFP have a like button for posts? :happy:

DMZ_1

But if we go out on 2nd date, like I said, I'd pay for a round or 2 of drinks or I'd offer to buy us some late night food if we were out late or some icecream if we were walking.. something like that from that point on.

If I was exclusive with someone, I'd share the costs of our dates or pay for myself sometimes. Let's say we go to an amusement park.. I wouldn't expect him to buy my ticket unless it was a gift or something. Of if we went to an expensive concert, I'd pay for my own ticket.
What if we were to take a trip? I wouldn't let him pay for all the expenses.. we could split it or what not...

This is all saying that my man would be okay with it.. if he wasn't then I'd let him do what he wanted and pay for moi.

The gesture would be appreciated tremendously. I'd accept. Clear communication about financial issues should be paramount in a relationship.

Vodkha

I'll always offer, and won't be offended if he accepts my money. Why should I get my half for free just because I have a vagina?

JanieJack

3 months into it. Guy still paying for dates. More involved now so twice a week for months 2 and 3. $1280.

Wow...is anyone actually doing this? I ask because I rarely go out with someone more than 2x times..I will generally go out a 2nd date even if I didn't like the first, just in case the bad impression was due to nervousness bad day, etc...and if they were "okay" but not sparks, I might go out on a 3rd date just to see if something develops, but I'm not going to waste a guy's time if I already know it's not going to work out.

The few I've gone out with more than a couple dates has generally fallen away from "dinners out" in a few months... more to hanging out, movies at home, dinner at home, etc...developing more into a day-to-day relationship, heading towards exclusivity...

j4nash

3 months into it. Guy still paying for dates. More involved now so twice a week for months 2 and 3. $1280.

Wow...is anyone actually doing this? I ask because I rarely go out with someone more than 2x times..I will generally go out a 2nd date even if I didn't like the first, just in case the bad impression was due to nervousness bad day, etc...and if they were "okay" but not sparks, I might go out on a 3rd date just to see if something develops, but I'm not going to waste a guy's time if I already know it's not going to work out.

The few I've gone out with more than a couple dates has generally fallen away from "dinners out" in a few months... more to hanging out, movies at home, dinner at home, etc...developing more into a day-to-day relationship, heading towards exclusivity...

When I lived out in the burbs with a house.. no, but now in the city, all the time.

JanieJack

3 months into it. Guy still paying for dates. More involved now so twice a week for months 2 and 3. $1280.

Wow...is anyone actually doing this? I ask because I rarely go out with someone more than 2x times..

When I lived out in the burbs with a house.. no, but now in the city, all the time.

With the same girl, for a few months? 2x a week?

PeekABooGirl

Well in my case we're talking about the guy typically earning at least 2-3x what my income is. I suppose that sort of this is relavant to a certain degree. Obviously if I was lawyer being paid $150k/year and the guy I was going out with was a school teacher, I would think differently. I'd probably still expect him to pay for date #1 simply because he asked me on the date. (I don't ask out on dates....) But beyond that I'd certainly insist on paying for my portion of things or splitting the bill, etc. But for me, personally, living in the DC metro area and having been a travel agent my entire adult life....it's a rare time that I'd date someone who earns less than me.

pa_jorg

I always offer once because I'd feel guilty if I didn't. If he says no, a thank you should be enough.

Myslissa

In my opinion. the first date is after the first meeting and it went well. First meeting each should pay their own.