Help! I need to make a choice.
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Lizi19
Posts: 180 Member
I started seeing two guys from an online dating website on the same weekend. I lined up a bunch of dates thinking most of them would not work out, but I actually ended up liking these two guys. It’s been over a month and I am still seeing them. I thought I could handle it, but I can’t. It stresses me out. I can't be emotionally or physically vulnerable to two people. They haven’t asked to be exclusive, but I feel like I need to make a choice for my own sanity.
Here are the basics on each guy. I’m hoping that by writing stuff down, I’ll tap into my subconscious mind and that I’ll make a choice.
Guy 1: He fits my physical type: He’s tall, thin, has dark brown hair and is a good dresser. He is more financially stable than Guy 2. He is self-employed, but has told me that he gets obsessed with work and lets other parts of his life fall behind. I see him about once a week (he lives an hour away), but we message often. We discussed our sexual past (lack of) and he was extremely emotionally vulnerable with me. I may have been too honest with my sexual desires. However, we haven’t talked about other important stuff, and I feel like he hasn’t asked me many questions and hasn’t tried to get to know me the same way that Guy 2 has tried. I’m the one asking the questions. He told me that he likes me and compliments me (my looks) often, even though some of his attempts are adorably lame. He is more physical, he likes to hold my hands and we make out frequently. We kissed on the first date and have moved on to second base since then. He doesn’t read a lot of books, but he is smart and can discuss politics and religion with me. I enjoy these conversations even though we don’t always agree. I’m supposed to meet his roommates and friends tomorrow for his birthday.
Guy 2: He’s kinda the opposite of my type: He is shorter than me, is stocky, has light curly hair and dresses horribly. The more I get to know him, the more attractive he becomes. I see him about 2-3 times a week, even though he lives over 30 minutes away. We talk lot about our past and share anecdotes. He asks a lot of question about my family, because he knows they are extremely important to me. He also knows more about my current situation and current goals. However, we haven’t discussed our values or sexual past that much. I tried, but he was hesitant. I also feel like our conversations lack the witty banter and random small talk that is present with Guy 1. He never compliments me and doesn’t try to hold my hand, or even kiss me. He said he is taking things slowly because he hasn’t dated in the past couple of years. I think he is just nervous and hope that he is attracted to me. He does sweet low key things. He gave me a copy of a book that I had mentioned I lost. He brought me my favorite chocolates after I mentioned that I liked them. I also love talking to him about movies and books and we have a lot in common! He is incredibly smart and nice. I’ve hung out with his friends a couple of times, and they seemed to know a lot about me, so I know he talks to them about me. I feel like he has been holding back lately, maybe b/c I kinda over-shared on my dysfunctional family/commitment issues on our last date
After a week of dating Guy 2 told me that he was not seeing anyone else. I was honest with him and told him that I was, but didn’t go into any details. I let him know that if he asked me to be exclusive I would only date him. He said it was okay that I was seeing other people and that he knows that I like to try different things before making a choice. (I had mentioned that I read multiple novels at the same time and that I was always starting new projects). He also told me that it was too early to talk about exclusivity anyway, much to my relief. He did start asking me out more often after that conversation.
I haven’t discussed dating other guys with Guy 1. I know he still has his profile up and checks it regularly. He could also be seeing other girls. I don’t really know.
Anyway, they are both nerdy, three years older than me and are inexperienced with dating, but more experienced than I am.
I wanted to read what you guys think about these guys. Do you think that they are interested in me in the same way that I am interested in them? Do you think that they are looking for something long-term? Any kind of feedback would be welcomed.
I just realized how long this post is. I‘ll be happy if one person reads it.
Here are the basics on each guy. I’m hoping that by writing stuff down, I’ll tap into my subconscious mind and that I’ll make a choice.
Guy 1: He fits my physical type: He’s tall, thin, has dark brown hair and is a good dresser. He is more financially stable than Guy 2. He is self-employed, but has told me that he gets obsessed with work and lets other parts of his life fall behind. I see him about once a week (he lives an hour away), but we message often. We discussed our sexual past (lack of) and he was extremely emotionally vulnerable with me. I may have been too honest with my sexual desires. However, we haven’t talked about other important stuff, and I feel like he hasn’t asked me many questions and hasn’t tried to get to know me the same way that Guy 2 has tried. I’m the one asking the questions. He told me that he likes me and compliments me (my looks) often, even though some of his attempts are adorably lame. He is more physical, he likes to hold my hands and we make out frequently. We kissed on the first date and have moved on to second base since then. He doesn’t read a lot of books, but he is smart and can discuss politics and religion with me. I enjoy these conversations even though we don’t always agree. I’m supposed to meet his roommates and friends tomorrow for his birthday.
Guy 2: He’s kinda the opposite of my type: He is shorter than me, is stocky, has light curly hair and dresses horribly. The more I get to know him, the more attractive he becomes. I see him about 2-3 times a week, even though he lives over 30 minutes away. We talk lot about our past and share anecdotes. He asks a lot of question about my family, because he knows they are extremely important to me. He also knows more about my current situation and current goals. However, we haven’t discussed our values or sexual past that much. I tried, but he was hesitant. I also feel like our conversations lack the witty banter and random small talk that is present with Guy 1. He never compliments me and doesn’t try to hold my hand, or even kiss me. He said he is taking things slowly because he hasn’t dated in the past couple of years. I think he is just nervous and hope that he is attracted to me. He does sweet low key things. He gave me a copy of a book that I had mentioned I lost. He brought me my favorite chocolates after I mentioned that I liked them. I also love talking to him about movies and books and we have a lot in common! He is incredibly smart and nice. I’ve hung out with his friends a couple of times, and they seemed to know a lot about me, so I know he talks to them about me. I feel like he has been holding back lately, maybe b/c I kinda over-shared on my dysfunctional family/commitment issues on our last date
After a week of dating Guy 2 told me that he was not seeing anyone else. I was honest with him and told him that I was, but didn’t go into any details. I let him know that if he asked me to be exclusive I would only date him. He said it was okay that I was seeing other people and that he knows that I like to try different things before making a choice. (I had mentioned that I read multiple novels at the same time and that I was always starting new projects). He also told me that it was too early to talk about exclusivity anyway, much to my relief. He did start asking me out more often after that conversation.
I haven’t discussed dating other guys with Guy 1. I know he still has his profile up and checks it regularly. He could also be seeing other girls. I don’t really know.
Anyway, they are both nerdy, three years older than me and are inexperienced with dating, but more experienced than I am.
I wanted to read what you guys think about these guys. Do you think that they are interested in me in the same way that I am interested in them? Do you think that they are looking for something long-term? Any kind of feedback would be welcomed.
I just realized how long this post is. I‘ll be happy if one person reads it.
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Replies
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I read it, and I have to say that it is soooo hard to choose! They both sound like they have their pluses and minuses. I can't make the choice for you, but I here is what I think. Guy 1: he seems really nice, and smart, and you have good physical chemistry with him, and deep conversations. Guy 2: Although you haven't gotten as personal as you'd like with him, he seems really sweet and caring - a guy who thinks "oh I should go get her chocolates and the book she lost" seems like a good one.
Please let us know what you decide!0 -
I can't really tell you what to do in this situation. I don't know what is most important to you, and that is for you to figure out.
Both seem to live far away from you. I view that as a negative. Think about where gas prices are going.
I really don't understand why Guy 2 would tell you that he is not seeing anyone else and not expect you to be exclusive. That's a bit odd to me.0 -
Guy 1 you are sexually attracted to and have all positive things to say about.
Guy 2 you are not and find faults with as far as a relationship.
That doesn`t mean either will be right for you but for now you want guy 1 (probably why you made him #1) so if you are going to limit yourself to trying to find something long term that is the one to focus on for now.0 -
Guy 1:
"I feel like he hasn't asked me many questions": this would be disappointing to me.
It seems that things have been progressing faster, to me that would be a selling point. You see him less but do more.
You'll know faster where you stand with this guy.
Guy 2:
You see him more, so it's logical he should know more about your life.
He is taking things slowly, so I don't know really.
I think it looks like one of these relationships that are going to be slow-paced, you know like your "first love" kind of thing where everything is taking months to happen? It's cute but it sucks.
I would go for guy 1, if it's bound to fail, you're gonna know it earlier (only thing is you should try to see him 2-3 times a week).
Guy 2 is asking for "friend zone" big time with his behaviour!0 -
That doesn`t mean either will be right for you but for now you want guy 1 (probably why you made him #1)
I distinctly got this feeling as well when reading the original post but didn't want to say it.0 -
Guy 2 sounds exactly like what I used to be/can be still, and that is extremely nervous. Especially if he knows you are seeing someone else too.0
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That doesn`t mean either will be right for you but for now you want guy 1 (probably why you made him #1)
I distinctly got this feeling as well when reading the original post but didn't want to say it.
It's funny that you guys think this, because through writing my post I discovered that I like Guy 2 a bit more. I can see an actual relationship with him. I just need to address the speed of our physical relationship, and tell him that I need more. However, I am attached to Guy 1 because our physical relationship has progressed more quickly and I know we are more compatible there. I don't think that's a valid enough reason to pick him. Maybe that’s another gender difference thing. That whole topic was addressed in another thread.0 -
Yes! I feel like we’re gonna get stuck there and I don’t want that to happen. I feel like Guy 1 is too sexually forward and Guy 2 isn’t sexually forward enough. I need someone in the middle!Guy 2 is asking for "friend zone" big time with his behaviour!
I hope it’s because he is nervous and that he is attracted to me. I want him to like me and not just keep dating me because he is tpo lazy to restart the process again with somebody else. or something weird like that.Guy 2 sounds exactly like what I used to be/can be still, and that is extremely nervous. Especially if he knows you are seeing someone else too.0 -
Hey Lizi-with Guy #2, why don't you act a little more forward with him? Be flirtatious and playful. Maybe also verbalize what you want while being flirtatious and playful. That should give him more confidence and get things to the middle zone that you are talking about. Then, maybe he'll relax, have more confidence long term and things will work out.0
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That's awesome advice.Hey Lizi-with Guy #2, why don't you act a little more forward with him? Be flirtatious and playful. Maybe also verbalize what you want while being flirtatious and playful. That should give him more confidence and get things to the middle zone that you are talking about. Then, maybe he'll relax, have more confidence long term and things will work out.
I am flirtatious and more forward with Guy 1 and I think that's because I may not like him as much. I get more nervous around Guy 2, when he gets near me my heart starts beating faster and stuff like that. Idk if that makes sense...0 -
Yes, it makes sense. You like him, he likes you. I think he's afraid to make the first move. Fear of rejection possibly. But if you make a move, I sense he'll respond well and he'll make more. But the verbal component should be there too. Guys like it if a woman makes a move. But there is no substitute for actions & words matching.0
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I don't know who I'd choose if I were you, but I do hope you find that happy balance. Can't wait to hear what you decide to do and how it works out.0
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I would pick neither. It sounds like if you put them together they'd be the perfect guy for you... :laugh:0
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I like guy #2 .. lol. Before I even read your description of guy #2 I was put off by #1 for some reason.
Good luck! Keep us updated!0 -
Hmm, for me, someone not asking questions, getting to know me, would be a huge turn off. But that's just me. Let us know what you decide!0
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I like guy #2 .. lol. Before I even read your description of guy #2 I was put off by #1 for some reason.
Good luck! Keep us updated!
Me too!0 -
I would go for guy #2. Seems like he makes more of an effort to see you and get to know you than guy #1. Seems like guy #1 just wants a sexual relationship. You only see him once a week, how can you get to know someone if you don't spend more time with them. Plus if guy #1 really liked you, he would make time for you. Sorry if that sounds mean but that is what I realize when I am dating. If they don't make the time and effort then he is just not into you.0
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At first it sounded like you were more into #1. Then I changed my mind to #2. I personally don't care for either one of them. You need to go with what feels right. Good luck and I do NOT envy you!!!0
