Men, would you feel mislead if... (online)

La_Amazona

A woman had "single" on her profile but later found out she was "divorced"?

I hate that I "have to" put divorced. I mean, I am but divorce just sounds so negative to me. It doesn't define me! I am a single woman with a bright future. Luckily for me, I had no kids with the ex so I have no ties with him. As a matter of fact, I really don't plan on speaking to him again unless I ran into him some time later in life (we live 4 hours away now so not really a possibility).

I think it just bothers me... and guys do ask about it when we start talking through PM since they see I have no kids and that my longest relationship was 10 years. I guess they're curious.

I just want to put "single" because that's what I am but I don't want to mislead anybody.

Carl01

I consider not married as single regardless if it was from a divorce or never married.

Steelheart7

Not a guy, but I think I would want to know if a guy had been divorced or not. Not that it would be a deal breaker if he was, but I think it is important to know.

Thats just me tho.

La_Amazona

Not a guy, but I think I would want to know if a guy had been divorced or not. Not that it would be a deal breaker if he was, but I think it is important to know.

Thats just me tho.

:grumble:

La_Amazona

I consider not married as single regardless if it was from a divorce or never married.

:flowerforyou:

catherine4211

Maybe you noticed on my profile here - I put single (sounds better then divorced)......but when I tried the online dating BS I put divorced because it's the truth.

scapez

Seeing the word single wouldn't bother me, but in getting to know the person if he never told me that he was previously married and divorced I would be pissed...that's a pretty big thing to not divulge to a potential partner.

Carl01

Seeing the word single wouldn't bother me, but in getting to know the person if he never told me that he was previously married and divorced I would be pissed...that's a pretty big thing to not divulge to a potential partner.

True and I would expect it to be part of the conversation at some point.

La_Amazona

I would tell him of course.

I think it's in my head. I just feel "divorce" brings thoughts of baggage and problems. Maybe I'm being the one making assumptions.

PedmomJill

I also equate "single" as simply meaning you are not married or in a relationship NOW.

odusgolp

To me, it's all about honesty. If you've been divorced before, be honest about it. I don't think it's negative and if someone does, do you want to be with them? To you want to lead them to believe you have never been married?

Lies I find most common online dating:

1. Age
2. Smoking
3. Body Type


Another thing I find astounding is people will put 10 year old pictures of themselves up.

La_Amazona

To me, it's all about honesty. If you've been divorced before, be honest about it. I don't think it's negative and if someone does, do you want to be with them? To you want to lead them to believe you have never been married?

Lies I find most common online dating:

1. Age
2. Smoking
3. Body Type


Another thing I find astounding is people will put 10 year old pictures of themselves up.

Good point.
I wouldn't want to be with someone if they thought that I was damaged goods without getting to know me.

The pictures.. yes, I've noticed some guys put up old looking pictures. I can tell they're 10 years old by the quality of the picture and the way they're dressed! (unless they still dress that way but hopefully not)

Because of this, I've put dates on all my pictures. What you see is what you get!

flimflamfloz

Actually you're not the only one making these assumptions.

I think it "sort of" smell of baggage and problems. Not with a 100% certainty, but there is a superior risk to a single who never got married... (by putting it upfront, you create another way for people to screen you)
Also, it means you got engaged with someone to the point that you thought you should marry him, but it ended up being a mistake.
I would wonder, "Would she consider getting married again or would she never want it? (if I want to be married at some point)" or "Would she ask very quickly (and foolishly) to marry me? (if I don't want to marry with someone early on)". You can't win, can you? :laugh:
Not that these are true, again, but they might just cross my mind at some point.

Plus you've experienced something I haven't, so I might feel a bit left behind as a "single-single" and not "single-divorced".

All of this should not (and will not) matter though when you meet the right person.


I'll tell you what though, I understand why you want to put single, and if you're saying after a few dates what you just said here: I've been married, but I feel it doesn't define me" it would make sense to me and would certainly be less black and white than having "married for 10 years" right in the middle of your profile.
I was in a relationship that lasted a few years, yet online, I put ">1 year" because that's how I feel right now.
I don't want to people to judge me for this (either negatively or positively depending on what this means to them) so I put a neutral statement (if that makes sense?), and one day this is going to come in the conversation and then I can tell them what this means in person.

TL;DR: People are judgemental *kitten* and they're overthinking stupid things - so let's make it simple and explain it to them in person!

NeedANewFocus

Here's my two cents...

Obviously, be honest If the topic surfaces and the question is asked then answer truthfully. Being that you've been divorced you have an option of stating divorced or single on your profile. Like you said, and many others, neither term defines you as who you are. You define who you are. If someone wants to "judge" you before getting to know who you are based on your profile status then they really arent worth getting to know anyway.

Interestingly enough, I've seen sites that pose "confused" and "it's complicated" as status'. Those are the ones I'd be a bit weary of and only because they clearly have things they are trying to work out for themselves. Not someone who says they've expereinced a divorce.

Myslissa

There needs to be happily divorced box.

JanieJack

A woman had "single" on her profile but later found out she was "divorced"?

I hate that I "have to" put divorced. I mean, I am but divorce just sounds so negative to me.

Can I piggyback on this? I hate putting "divorced" because of the negative connotations... but I also don't want people to think I slept around and had my child out of wedlock. That was a big deal when I was a kid. Children teased out-of-wedlock kids (I know there's a word for it, I just don't like it) harshly, but it's not as big a deal anymore becasue everyone does it, and these days people think you're weird to abstain from sex outside of marrige. Does anyone care anymore?

Does the fact that she's a single mom due to divorce, death, or out of wedlock affect your impression of the woman?

odusgolp

Here's the flip side... If I am searching through men and come across a 45 year old that I like but is single, never married - I wonder why? Commitment issues? It's actually BETTER to see divorced in my head.

Keep in mind my head is a cloudy effed up little place, but... just sayin

La_Amazona

See, and if I were to have "divorced" and then in my profile explain "but it doesn't define me!", I sound like those women who say "I hate drama" yet they're the most dramatic queens in history.

I guess I'll keep wearing my scarlett letter on my profile. :explode:

pa_jorg

Not a guy, but I think I would want to know if a guy had been divorced or not. Not that it would be a deal breaker if he was, but I think it is important to know.

Thats just me tho.

Agreed.

flimflamfloz

There needs to be happily divorced box.

This :laugh: . It seriously sounds so much better.

Sorry to everyone who say: "People shouldn't judge blahblah", but if we were listening to this everyone should be contacting everyone on these websites. It just doesn't work like that.
You only have a limited amount of space to convince people you're the right person for them. Yeah, it's like finding a job and sending a CV.
You just focus on the positives, and if asked about the negatives, then you can give a long explanation in person (which, frankly, nobody would read online).

AllanMisner

Some people do have a big problem with the whole divorced thing. So, if you list yourself as single, be sure to bring it up early. Since there were no kids involved, it probably won't be that big a deal to most people. If you had kids, I'd say be clear about being divorced.

I list myself as divorced because I have a daughter. I'm thankful they don't have double-divorced as an option. I think men are more forgiving in this area than women are.

What I actually find most surprising is the women that list themselves as divorced, but once you start chatting with them you find they are either just separated or looking for another man to jump ship.

melg126

I think you should be honest up front. I don't think "divorced" means baggage instanstly. Many people nowadays have been married before. You're not alone in that. If they are interested in you they will make an effort to get to know you regardless.

La_Amazona

I agree that the right person isn't going to care.. and I'm starting to think that I'm not going to meet this "right person" on a dating site anyway... but for now, it's fun.

Like flamfloz said though, you're pretty much making a dating resume online. You can only say so much in the description. You're practically "selling" yourself.

flimflamfloz

I agree that the right person isn't going to care.. and I'm starting to think that I'm not going to meet this "right person" on a dating site anyway... but for now, it's fun.

Like flamfloz said though, you're pretty much making a dating resume online. You can only say so much in the description. You're practically "selling" yourself.

How many times have I seen people saying on here: "I'm breaking my own rules *this time*". How many people have said that here?

Everyone does it. People simply don't know what they really want (me included).
I've got long hair. 50% the girls would screen me on that after seeing a picture. In person, this would probably fall to 20%.
Just don't give them the chance to get the wrong impression of you.

Does that mean that the people who would screen you are "not worth your attention"? Nope.
Every time you're about to break your own rules, do you say to the other person/date "I'm not worth your attention, sorry, I've got to leave"? Nope. You just go past this difference/rule and you make the best of it.

We're only human, it's just the way we work, it's not mischief.

DMZ_1

Yes, I would. I would prefer to know about a divorce. A divorce in itself is not a disqualify someone. It is just so common. To me, a divorce without kids is no different than a regular relationship ending, so long as all ties have been severed. For instance, it would be a hurdle to me if a divorced woman still co-owned a house with an ex that they were trying to sell in this housing market/economy.

I don't see many divorced women in the dating pool that I play in.

I do have a preference for never married.

No kids is a must.

pa_jorg

To me, a divorce without kids is no different than a regular relationship ending, so long as all ties have been severed.

This leads to the next obvious question... How do you feel about someone who is still in regular contact with an ex?

DMZ_1

Not enamored of it at all.

La_Amazona

Yeah, me either...

This is why I prefer to date someone w/o kids.

flimflamfloz

Is seeing an ex every 6 months considered regular?
And the odd monthly phone conversation?

pa_jorg

Well, I'm having a hard time doing just that, so if anyone has any good tips, let me know.

La_Amazona

Is seeing an ex every 6 months considered regular?
And the odd monthly phone conversation?

What are you seeing her for????
And what do you talk about???? :mad:

The casual catch up stuff... hmmm I'm not sure. I won't be doing it with my ex.. and we were together for a total of 11 years.

But with my other exes, I guess I would? Okay not really because I really don't care what they're up to. If I had an ex that had been a friend before and we ended on okay terms than maybe I would say hi from time to time.