Physical intimacy and dating

PeekABooGirl

Not meaning to be nosy but I've been out of the dating scene for a good 10 years or so. And I'm in a different age bracket. (-: I'm curious is there's any typical expectation as to when things start to get physical with people when they start to date. It just seems that it's kind of understood that things would start up after just a few dates (or sooner)! I'm thinking some may have to do with the amount of talking and texting that's going on between dates? (Single mom, only able to get out every other weekend......) Maybe the inbetween calls are giving a false sense of togetherness or something?

I'm not experiencing any strong pressure. They've seemed ok holding off until I'm comfortable. But there are tons of sexual conversations started, or flirting, etc. Do most people NOT hold off until there's some sort of exclusivity? I'm totally not going to be shacking up with someone who's likely out doing the same thing with someone else the following weekend. Are people really that free with themselves that they give it up so easily? Or am I misreading things??

DMZ_1

There's really not a universal answer. Just when you are both comfortable with each other. A good mindset and comfort are keys to a satisfying experience.

PeekABooGirl

There's really not a universal answer. Just when you are both comfortable with each other. A good mindset and comfort are keys to a satisfying experience.

Yes,I totally realize that. But I'm wondering if there's some sort of expectation that if you're going to go on more than a few dates, it's time to heat things up? I know there's no one right way to answer that question. But trying to guage what the trend is like. I'd think a guy would have more respect for a girl who holds out a bit and doesn't just slip into bed with anyone who takes her out. But I'm starting to think that may not be the case. haha

La_Amazona

Yup, whenever you're comfortable. I am all about being exclusive first but with my friend lover, we had so much chemistry very early on that it happened very early to my surprise AND w/o being exclusive. I broke my own rules and do not regret it. :blushing:
I dated a guy for almost 3 months before friend lover whom I never had the exclusive talk with but we were only seeing each other and I didn't sleep with him.

DMZ_1

There's really not a universal answer. Just when you are both comfortable with each other. A good mindset and comfort are keys to a satisfying experience.

Yes,I totally realize that. But I'm wondering if there's some sort of expectation that if you're going to go on more than a few dates, it's time to heat things up? I know there's no one right way to answer that question. But trying to guage what the trend is like. I'd think a guy would have more respect for a girl who holds out a bit and doesn't just slip into bed with anyone who takes her out. But I'm starting to think that may not be the case. haha

From a male perspective, a good sign of interest is kissing on the lips during the first get together/date. Without a kiss, it is often difficult to tell how much interest a woman has in me and whether I should keep going. Impressions are formed pretty quickly.

AnnaPixie

There's really not a universal answer. Just when you are both comfortable with each other. A good mindset and comfort are keys to a satisfying experience.

Yes,I totally realize that. But I'm wondering if there's some sort of expectation that if you're going to go on more than a few dates, it's time to heat things up? I know there's no one right way to answer that question. But trying to guage what the trend is like. I'd think a guy would have more respect for a girl who holds out a bit and doesn't just slip into bed with anyone who takes her out. But I'm starting to think that may not be the case. haha

I think you're right. Gone are the days of no sex before marraige! Gone are the days when guys based their wife material on her virginity! Gone are the days of one sexual partner for life. And gone are the days that anyone cares who is banging who!! :noway: (Obviously, I'm talking generally, there are still plenty of cultures and religions that have rules). I do honestly think the 'trend' is more relaxed, and less judgmental for both men and women. And bang on trend is having a FWB!! :laugh:

However, I dont really know if there is an 'expectation'! I certainly wouldnt put myself under pressure to do anything I dont want to do. As with most things in life, you can only be who you are and do what you feel comfortable with :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

There's really not a universal answer. Just when you are both comfortable with each other. A good mindset and comfort are keys to a satisfying experience.

Yes,I totally realize that. But I'm wondering if there's some sort of expectation that if you're going to go on more than a few dates, it's time to heat things up? I know there's no one right way to answer that question. But trying to guage what the trend is like. I'd think a guy would have more respect for a girl who holds out a bit and doesn't just slip into bed with anyone who takes her out. But I'm starting to think that may not be the case. haha

Depends on your situation, and frame of mind.

If I tell you that the expectation is to have sex at the end of the first date, what will you do anyway? Will that change anything? You need to play it at your OWN pace, this is the only way to meet someone who is going to move at the same pace as you.

Now the honest answer: yeah, earlier rather than later, especially with younger men. Not sure the age range of the men you date though. It would seem that older men are generally more willing to wait more, well at least continue hanging around with you even if you don't accept to have sex early (doesn't mean they're not getting "it" elsewhere though...).

My personal expectation is ASAP (1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date... beyond that... is there really a problem with the girl? Is she not attracted? Perhaps I'm her first guy - in which case I would understand)
Why wait (too much) anyway... Who cares if you wait or not... What are YOUR personal reasons for waiting? I personally have got no good reasons to wait.
Don't think that because you do that, guy will think "she's so going to sleep with every man". Just go with the flow...
I would tend to believe that most guys are pretty happy to hang around with a woman who can offer sexual gratification.

PeekABooGirl

From a male perspective, a good sign of interest is kissing on the lips during the first get together/date. Without a kiss, it is often difficult to tell how much interest a woman has in me and whether I should keep going. Impressions are formed pretty quickly.

This is good to know. So when a guy goes in for a kiss on the first date, he's often using the kissing as a gauge. If she's not too interested, obviously she's not going to put her "all" into that kiss I suppose. But then again,what if the guy just enjoys sex and will kiss any woman who he thinks he may have a chance with??

And, if you have had a few dates with some really good makeout sessions and he's totally understanding of the girl not being ready to take things further yet - how long till he looses interest all together, or simply thinks she's a tease? Again, I know there's no universal answer to this....

DMZ_1

Kissing is a gauge of where things are. In a first date, if I feel attraction (both physically and to her personality), I am going to make the effort to kiss her, so long as I sense she feels the same way about me.

There's really no way to answer that last question. Depends on the individual circumstances and the two participants. That's more of the artistic element of dating and less scientific. Dating is a blend of an art form and science.

christine24t

Maybe because I'm younger but I see things a little differently. I think you can get to know someone without being physical for a while, then you should at least try kissing or whatever a little later to see what you both think about it. I can let a guy know that I like him other than kissing him. Like the guy I've been on two dates with so far - when asks me to hang out and I'm enthusiastic about my response and I always tell him thanks and text him hello and stuff I think that shows I like him. I would honestly be uncomfortable if we were to go any further right now.

As long as you're not stone cold and show no signs of liking the guy, I think he will think you like him back!

JanieJack

This is a tough one... because in today's environment people who wait to get to know someone first are rare. So many people (men and women) will bolt if there's not sex early on (first month or so). But the right one will wait until you're comfortable.

Personal story about this: I was talking (whining) to my best guy friend one day about how guys are quick to move on if you don't get intimate quickly. I'm not the type to jump into physical intimacy, and he countered that any guy who actually got to know me even a little bit would quickly pick up on the fact that I am not a cold fish (despite being somewhat reserved as we get to know each other). He joked that if it wouldn't make me look loose he would gladly let my next love interest know that I was most certainly not a prude. lol!

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

it's up to you as the woman to set the tone. If you're not comforatble with kissing someone you don't know, I wouldn't recommend it. I don't kiss on a first date and not on the 2nd... if there's no connection then no. you can still date and be friends and get to know each other. One man put it so nicely, that it's a meet, not a date. Wisdom comes with experience. I'm back in also after 10 years and I am picky... many may apply, but only a few are acknowledged. don't play the fool. it's no longer fun and games... remember you have to set the example for your children.

thecarbmonster

I have had SOOO much trouble with this. Even saying out front that I'm old-fashioned, want to wait for a more committed relationship, etc, they are still sending me pics from below the belt lol. Worse was when I really trusted a new guy and he understood that I wanted to wait and not a minute later he was trying to feel me up. Dating is hard for the awkward and inexperienced like me lol.

catherine4211

I had started a topic close to this a few weeks ago. I miss sex too much to wait. Whose way is right? Whose way is wrong? It all depends on how you feel inside. Everyone has different thoughts regarding this. All I know is at my age I'm not wasting any time "waiting".....I'm going to enjoy myself. I pretty much know within 5 mins of meeting someone if I would ever want to have sex with them.

PeekABooGirl

Well I think a nice combo of having the physical attraction there, but respecting the other's need/desire to hold off a bit. In the past, I know that jumping into the physical stuff so early on confuses my emotions. I get all mushy gushy and then Peusee the guy in a whole new light...often being blinded by the bliss of the sex and ignoring the other red flags going on in other areas. So if a guy is understanding of me just not quite being there yet, not quite ready to make that big step, then it goes greatly appreciated and wins major bonus points with me, too.

People attach different meanings to sex. Some are easily able to separate emotions and feelings from the physical part. Some aren't. And if you compromise what you know works for you....then things could be doomed.

meshashesha2012

my general rule is no sex until exclusivity, but that's mainly because when i date i dont put all my eggs in one basket and i end up seeing a few different guys and not because of any moral reservations or because i dont like sex :laugh:

kissing and makeout sessions are fine, but sex doesn't happen until i'm in an exclusive relationship and that doesnt happen until i've been officially asked to be exclusive. i also let guys know upfront. some get it, others don't. the ones who dont obviously arent the ones for me so i dont even give a second thought to not hearing back from them.


as far as when to have sex, i think it depends on the person and what you wont out of the relationship. some people have awesome chemistry and have sex the first night and end up getting married or in a serious relationship (that doesnt happen very often). in general i would say anyone actually wanting a serious long term relationship should take the time to get to know the person and being exclusive before doing the wild monkey dance. i'm always surprised at women close to my age who have sex with a guy the first or second date and are genuinely surprised they don't call back :laugh:

Lizi19

I have had SOOO much trouble with this. Even saying out front that I'm old-fashioned, want to wait for a more committed relationship, etc, they are still sending me pics from below the belt lol. Worse was when I really trusted a new guy and he understood that I wanted to wait and not a minute later he was trying to feel me up. Dating is hard for the awkward and inexperienced like me lol.

I feel the same way! Especially that last line. :ohwell:
I also think some guys (the ones that don't run away) see it as a challenge when I say that I am old-fashioned. That may have happened to you too in the situation you described.

Showgirlbody

I'm curious is there's any typical expectation as to when things start to get physical with people when they start to date. It just seems that it's kind of understood that things would start up after just a few dates (or sooner)!

From my experience, there is an expectation of early intimacy. I always heard "3rd date rule". I don't know who started the rule, but I know it's there. lol Most people I know don't consider sex a gauge of exclusivity and it seems that for some people there isn't even the expectation. People used to be afraid of the "where is this going?" conversation when you have sex but people are more free about it now. I always read the casual encounters section on craigslist and wonder who just goes to someone's house just to screw without even a semblance of a date, but people do or there wouldn't be so many posts. So, yeah, if you don't put out, someone else will. If you are not ready, find the balance of showing interest and not seeming like a prude but also be clear that you aren't gonna knock boots until you are ready.

I hate as you get older that people aren't even happy just making out or heavy petting like when you were a teenager and working your way up, now it's all or nothing and it kind of loses some of the anticipation. If you go part way but not all the way, you are a tease and accused of giving "blue balls" or playing games. Just stick to what feels right but know that many people do expect to have some action fairly soon. People are in such a hurry for everything, they don't want to invest too much in someone who may turn out to be sexually incompatible which is also why so many people are texting and having conversations about it before you even get there. "do you do xyz?" "what is your favorite?", etc. etc. People usually ask those questions before the where did you grow up or how many siblings do you have.lol

AllanMisner

I'll kiss a woman early on (sometimes within hours of meeting her). It is my best gauge if she has the passion/chemistry I want/need to carry on. The only thing that will kill it is if I find a fatal future path item. Otherwise I think the intimacy is good for building a long-term connection.

PeekABooGirl

From my experience, there is an expectation of early intimacy. I always heard "3rd date rule". I don't know who started the rule, but I know it's there. lol Most people I know don't consider sex a gauge of exclusivity and it seems that for some people there isn't even the expectation. People used to be afraid of the "where is this going?" conversation when you have sex but people are more free about it now. I always read the casual encounters section on craigslist and wonder who just goes to someone's house just to screw without even a semblance of a date, but people do or there wouldn't be so many posts. So, yeah, if you don't put out, someone else will. If you are not ready, find the balance of showing interest and not seeming like a prude but also be clear that you aren't gonna knock boots until you are ready.

I hate as you get older that people aren't even happy just making out or heavy petting like when you were a teenager and working your way up, now it's all or nothing and it kind of loses some of the anticipation. If you go part way but not all the way, you are a tease and accused of giving "blue balls" or playing games. Just stick to what feels right but know that many people do expect to have some action fairly soon. People are in such a hurry for everything, they don't want to invest too much in someone who may turn out to be sexually incompatible which is also why so many people are texting and having conversations about it before you even get there. "do you do xyz?" "what is your favorite?", etc. etc. People usually ask those questions before the where did you grow up or how many siblings do you have.lol

THIS.......you're right on target with what I've experienced lately. And so many men (prob women too, but I wouldn't know) make no secret of the fact that they're happy with simply having a FWB scenerio and IF something develops from there, then great. Seems somewhat backwards to me.