Can you empathize?

Grimmerick

Ok so lately I have been hearing a lot of "You'll never understand what it's like to be _______ unless you are _______. Fill it in with whatever you like, because a lot of people hide behind this statement.
Does empathizing with someone count for nothing anymore? Can I not put myself in someone else's shoes through thoughtfulness and empathy.
Or perhaps I can empathize because I have been in a very similar situation but on the other side of the fence.
I just get so tired of hearing this, it's like you are not the only one to ever go through something like this so to tell me that I wouldn't understand just because I don't fit into that certain guideline seems extremely ignorant. You don't know people or what they have had to deal with in life so how the hell do you know that they do or don't understand. It sounds like an excuse to me to make yourself and situation special when it's not. It's like hiding behind an excuse so you don't have to make any sense or admit that you are not the only one this happens to and the only one that understands what it is like.

The only one I can think of at the moment that I will really accept is that I will never know what it is like to be a man with a penis unless I am a man with a penis. Other than that for the most part damnit I can imagine, have had a similar experience or I can empathize. Anyone else sick to death of that statement? Thoughts?

dragonbait0126

Yes!! A million times YES! People don't understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. I think this is a big part of this. Of course you can't sympathize with someone if you haven't been in that situation but you most certainly can empathize. People also don't take into consideration that there are many different types of situations which can be relatable. For example, I know a Hispanic lady who believes that anyone who is white has no idea what it's like to be discriminated against. She can't be convinced otherwise and if you attempt to empathize or sympathize her response is "you don't know, it's not the same." Yeah, there are different forms of discrimination. Doesn't mean I haven't been discriminated against just because I'm white. Or when we started having our call center analysts acknowledge a customer's life events and one lady said "if a customer tells me her dog died I can't understand and sympathize because I've never had a dog." So I said "okay have you ever had a pet of any kind that died? Yes? Then you can understand the customer being upset and empathize." If you tell a story, don't get ticked off when people try to relate or empathize and say they can't understand. If they can't understand then why tell them the story?! Go to someone you think can.

LuckyLeprechaun

Empathy: I can tell you feel bad about _______and I wish I could do something to help make you feel better. I can tell this really sucks for you.

This kind of sentiment is rarely unwelcome.

Many people say, sympathetically, "Oh I know just how you feel. (insert their story here)"

When I was going through bereavement, this kind of sentiment was very very unwelcome. Even if their own story mirrored my own, I did not enjoy hearing their comparisons between my pain and theirs.

I've become extremely careful not to tell anyone I know how they feel. I don't. I couldn't truly know how anyone else but me feels. And since it caused me so much grief, I won't say it to people who are in emotionally painful situations.

Grimmerick

Empathy: I can tell you feel bad about _______and I wish I could do something to help make you feel better. I can tell this really sucks for you.

This kind of sentiment is rarely unwelcome.

Many people say, sympathetically, "Oh I know just how you feel. (insert their story here)"

When I was going through bereavement, this kind of sentiment was very very unwelcome. Even if their own story mirrored my own, I did not enjoy hearing their comparisons between my pain and theirs.

I've become extremely careful not to tell anyone I know how they feel. I don't. I couldn't truly know how anyone else but me feels. And since it caused me so much grief, I won't say it to people who are in emotionally painful situations.

This can definitely be true but usually I have noticed the people that say it aren't actually the ones in that particular situation

Grimmerick

Hmm I thought this was a good debate topic............I guess you never can tell what will take off and what won't haha

DoingItNow2012

Nope, not sick to death of it.

I think it can depend on what the perceived underlying purpose of your statement /response might be. You see some people can offer what seems to be empathy simply to "shut it down", dismiss the conversation, or invalidate their experience. Other times it's like some posters already state, no one is looking for a comparison. Often times when someone is sharing an experience they will be fine with just being acknowledged or validated. Instead of saying "I know how you feel", you can say something to the effect of, "that has to suck", "I'm sorry you had that experience", "I can see that you are upset, hurt, dissapointed, etc", "I've never had that happen, but I have felt (betrayed, dismissed, insulted, etc), I don't know if it is anything like what you felt, but I sure didn't like it" Or hell, you can just ASK, how they feel, what they think, etc. Asking earnest questions that truly seek understanding usually works also.

Question, why would it be necessary for you to point out they are not special? What is your intended purpose with that? You can use your same argument against your point of view, "You don't know people or what they have had to deal with in life so how the hell do you know" what they feel. You absolutely cannot know what it feels like for anyone else to experience anything, just simply because you are not them, even if you are of a similar background. You can only imagine. I have no desire, interest, drive to argue down anyone about me sharing their experience. if after communicating with them, they feel I "don't get it", then i will take their word for it and see if they can help me to get it, earnestly. If they don't want to, then OK.

And if you should happen to get a reaction like that after something you said, then you can usually fix it by saying something to the effect of, i didn't mean to offend you, i am just trying to empathize because I see how upset you are. You absolutely have a right to feel how you feel". If you are earnest it wil lcome across.

BTW, I am using "you" in a general sense, as i am assuming you are just placing the question for debate mostly. But I'll be honest though, my initial gut sense when I read your original post is that it is likely in resonse to the debate on race that is going on, and you are specifically talking about people saying that you can't understand what it's like to be discrimated against because you are not black, or something along those lines. And it was a veiled attempt to complain about minorities always "complaining about being discriminated against". That kind of puts my guard up a bit to see your true intention.

Grimmerick

@ Doing it, very thoughtful post. But no as debate club creator I like to put in possibly good and or messy debatable topics to keep things interesting, it's easier and more interesting (which is debatable ha) for me to give subjects for debate like it was a situation that actually happened or even drawing on a few things that have actually happened or as someone that is seeing something from only one side. Makes it more interesting sometimes for a debate topic to take one side and let others argue it even if that is not my true stance. I'm glad it sounds genuine though.

DoingItNow2012

@ Doing it, very thoughtful post. But no as debate club creator I like to put in possibly good and or messy debatable topics to keep things interesting, it's easier and more interesting (which is debatable ha) for me to give subjects for debate like it was a situation that actually happened or even drawing on a few things that have actually happened or as someone that is seeing something from only one side. Makes it more interesting sometimes for a debate topic to take one side and let others argue it even if that is not my true stance. I'm glad it sounds genuine though.

That's what i figured. AND I LOVE THE GROUP! It was such a good idea. I love lively debates. But this might kill this debate, huh?

Grimmerick

@ Doing it, very thoughtful post. But no as debate club creator I like to put in possibly good and or messy debatable topics to keep things interesting, it's easier and more interesting (which is debatable ha) for me to give subjects for debate like it was a situation that actually happened or even drawing on a few things that have actually happened or as someone that is seeing something from only one side. Makes it more interesting sometimes for a debate topic to take one side and let others argue it even if that is not my true stance. I'm glad it sounds genuine though.

That's what i figured. AND I LOVE THE GROUP! It was such a good idea. I love lively debates. But this might kill this debate, huh?

Glad you like it and we are glad to have you!! I can tell you are very good at debating and we can always use Great debators here. Have fun!! Lol I don't think this topic was heading anywhere special lol you can just never tell what will take off and what won't.