Talking with exs

kit_katty

Ug. So my ex and I occasionally chat, and just now he struck up a conversation online. Does anyone else get depressed or down when their exs lives are going better than your own? Sigh. Is it wrong to want to be doing better than them, look better than when you were dating them, etc?

And how do you turn this feeling around!?

DMZ_1

That's normal. Even the most nonchalant person would feel that to a small degree.

Focus on your own personal and professional goals and implement actions to make your goals a reality.

pa_jorg

You need to find other things to focus your time and energy on. Trust me when I say that I understand because my ex and I talk more than we probably should, although the last time was about a month ago.

La_Amazona

This is exactly why I told my ex to remove me from his contacts, I blocked him from FB and hardly speak about him with friends/ family. I told him to keep our conversations strictly over text or email and only about bills/ money issues (like our taxes). It's not because I'm angry at him nor bitter towards him, I wish him well. But I need to have boundaries up for myself. I need to protect ME.

It's not that I care about him or care what he does.. but I could be having a bad day and suddenly see a picture of him and his new gf in love or hear about the awesome new job he got.. I don't know, I tried to picture the worse case scenerio. So far, it's been good. I hear he's seeing someone and it's on his FB. I have no intentions of looking him up, unblocking him and checking her out. Eh, I have better things to do and worry about.. myself.

As far as looking better, YES. I definately want to look better than him haha. I do. He's gained weight back while I'm shrinking. Ha! But unless we see each other on accident (which is unlikely to happen as he moved back home to the Galveston area and I'm in Austin), he's going to miss out on seeing the new me.

I think the reason why it's hard for you in particular is because you still chat with him.Out of sight out of mind for me....

Jarnard

Completely normal. I agree with La Amazona, if you think you are not ready to be friends with your Ex, then you should heal first. You're only damaging yourself. But if you're over him but at times will feel sad, that's normal too.

Relationships suck......sometimes...

AnnaPixie

Nah, I just feel sorry for the woman he's with now :laugh: Doesn't depress me at all, in fact, I think I'm lucky to have got out when I did. But he's still a loser and always will be, so try and remind yourself why you arn't with this guy anymore :flowerforyou:

But obviously if you want him then that's a different scenario.........if that's the case, then dont keep in contact with him

Carl01

You can`t drive looking in the rearview mirror.
If there are estate issues or children you will have to deal with each other but besides that just walk away and look forward.

Steelheart7

I think it is natural to have a little *twinge* of something when you talk to an ex .. especially if it was someone that you truly loved. How could you not? I do. It gets less and less every time I talk to him. The longer I go in between the less it is. So I think that is the ticket. You need to remove him from your life. There is ALWAYS a reason why he is in your past and didn't make it into your future. Keep him in the past. It will be easier on you.

Also ... things on the outside always look better than what they do on the inside. Things aren't always as they seem. Don't allow any negative energy from him into your world. It is useless. :flowerforyou:

rammsteinsoldier

I agree to Carl. I just ignore my ex except when I absolutely must deal with a situation. Other than that, no Facebook, no e-mails, no social contact whatsoever. You just have to look to the future and who cares what he is doing.

catherine4211

I'll try and make this short. My ex kept our beautiful house so the kids wouldn't have to change schools. I couldn't have afforded it or kept with up it (on land). I was able to buy my own house so it's not like I totally downgraded. Well now him and his new wife, which he married in Maui are enjoying my house, my pool, my beautiful yard, my peace and quiet. Do I wish he was living in the street somewhere? Sometimes. But I'm glad my kids are well taken care of by the both of us. Do I hate pulling in the driveway over there - YES. Still to this day and it's been over 4 years now. I keep hope that karma is a real thing and in the end he'll get his. I'm still single (obviously) and haven't had the best of luck with men so if you compared his life to mine right now he has far exceeded me. But all in all he's still a huge *kitten* and I don't miss him one bit. So really I am better off w/o him.

ItsCasey

I think it depends on how long and how serious the relationship was. I dated a guy for 6 years during and after college. We came to a mutual decision to end things because we knew we weren't going to get married (he had already proposed to me because he thought it's what I wanted, but I knew he wasn't ready), and we felt like we were wasting each other's time. It was a given that we would remain friends. We had been best friends for 6 years. I gave it my best shot, but nearly a year later, I still had not moved on with my life because it killed me to know he was dating other women, and I hated the idea of trying to have with another man what I had with him. So we stopped talking, and I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year and a half.

It sucks, but it was best for both of us because within three months, I felt like a different person. I was open to dating again, and I truly wished the best for him. I don't know if I would ever have gotten to that point if we had kept pretending to be just friends.

lorenzoinlr

My ex-wife and I will always care for each other, we just aren't a good fit. So it is often painful for the both of us as we each pursue our own lives. But we both hope for the best for the other in fact I wish she'd find someone good for her. But she believes she just isn't cut out for relationships so she's gone the pet route. Our greatest difficulty was trying to raise our son together. That's the part that for me has been brutal. If you don't have kids together and don't have some deep connection, cut the cord and move on.

JanieJack

Does anyone else get depressed or down when their exs lives are going better than your own?
...
And how do you turn this feeling around!?

Yup. When my ex rubbed his new high-ranking government job, 21 year old fiancé, and new car in my face (while I'm stuck for the next 4 years paying for his debts) I was really bummed.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Doing my best to turn my life around helped me get over it.
Of course, his life falling apart a year later REALLY helped too (he discovered she had some man living in the apartment he was paying for her)

The other thing that held me together when he was livin large and throwing it in my face was knowing that he was missing out on interacting with our son (hasn’t spoken to him in 3 months). That’s gonna come back to bite him one day.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Steelheart7

I'll try and make this short. My ex kept our beautiful house so the kids wouldn't have to change schools. I couldn't have afforded it or kept with up it (on land). I was able to buy my own house so it's not like I totally downgraded. Well now him and his new wife, which he married in Maui are enjoying my house, my pool, my beautiful yard, my peace and quiet. Do I wish he was living in the street somewhere? Sometimes. But I'm glad my kids are well taken care of by the both of us. Do I hate pulling in the driveway over there - YES. Still to this day and it's been over 4 years now. I keep hope that karma is a real thing and in the end he'll get his. I'm still single (obviously) and haven't had the best of luck with men so if you compared his life to mine right now he has far exceeded me. But all in all he's still a huge *kitten* and I don't miss him one bit. So really I am better off w/o him.

Oh my gosh .. you sound just like me. He still has MY beautiful house, I painted every wall, decorated every room .. picked out all the furniture inside and outside. I couldn't have done it on my own either .. now SHE is sleeping in my bed, sitting on my couch, cooking in my kitchen, my custom counter tops .. grrrrrrrrr. lol. But .. she has the *kitten* too so .. more power to her. I did buy my own home as well .. but I helped build that house. I keep waiting for karma to come around as well .. She is even petting my f@cking cat!

moving on .. lol.

Lift_This_

Been happy without my ex for the past 8 months or so.... lost 46 pounds in that time frame(5 months to bethe exact)......well he must still miss me or something...he keeps messaging me...and to hide it from his current woman he is messaging me through words with friends...Haha..I wish he would leave me alone...life is so much better without him.

will010574

I like what Carl said, cant move forward always looking back!

My ex and I have kids so I will always have contact with her and at first that was tough. She is remarried etc, but when I really thought about it good for her. I wasnt ready to remarry or even seriously date at that point, not so much because we werent together just because of work and my schedule.
We have an amicable relationship built around our mutual desire to make sure our kids have the best upbringing we can provide them.
That said, we are not FB friends we dont hang out in the same social circles and I live a cpl hours away, which I think makes it easier to not have to see each other etc. I harbor her no ill will but its been nearly 6 years and I am well past moved on.

Carl you are a wise wise man!

Tropical_Turtle

I avoid my ex if at all possible. I will be cordial to him should I see him. However, my saying is: My momma taught me to share my used toys with the less fortunate, so now his gf has him, and I do not.

jenbit

My ex-husband and I have kids together and split custody so we are in constant contact. I actually feel bad for him and how his life is turning out. But were friends we always have been. We were best friends in high school and have pretty much squashed anything that happened during our marrige for our kids. His girlfriend him and I go to the same parties and will hang out together at the bar lol.

Now my ex-boyfriend him I cut loose and never spoke to again. Honestly by the end of our relationship I couldn't stand the sight of him.
I think it depends on the situation. But Im really not one to hold grudges so I just try to be happy for myself and dont care about anyone else

Bikini27

I agree to Carl. I just ignore my ex except when I absolutely must deal with a situation. Other than that, no Facebook, no e-mails, no social contact whatsoever. You just have to look to the future and who cares what he is doing.

Ditto.
My ex was all buddy-buddy. Then I finalized the divorce proceedings in which he had to grow up and take care of things. THat put a damper on the chit-chat

But, we keep it civil as we work together. And from what I've heard through the company grapevine, we may be seeing each other more often. *sigh* gotta go find my big girl pants and deal.