problems committing.....
PeekABooGirl
Posts: 218 Member
Not sure where to start but I'll try to make it short. I've been out on 5 dates with one guy. We've had a blast every single time. He's alot of fun, easy to talk to, has a kid around the same age as mine. We even had a kid play-date one day and that turned into like an 8hour play date and everyone had fun. Things are at that point now where we're getting more physical, but he's pretty much said from the start that he's probably not going to want an exclusive relationship with anyone. (Not specifically me, but he's been married before, got burned and doesn't want to go down that road again.) So from what I can tell, it seems he wants to just have female friends to hang out with and, whatever, but without committment. At the moment, I don't think he's seeing anyone else. We text pretty frequently so I mostly always have contact with him. And when he does have free weekends without his kid, he sees me.
Problem is - I'm not going to be intimate with someone who maybe is being intimate with other people. For one thing, I'm not into that kind of casual hookup thing. And the other, it just seems too risky to be (even with protection) to be with multiple partners. But really, I guess I just have too much respect for myself and my value to allow myself to be involved physically with someone who doesn't want to be intimate with me exclusively.
So I'm not sure what to do at this point. We've talked numerous times about "relationship" and what went wrong in our marriages, why they didn't work, etc. What we don't want in any future relationship, etc. But I guess I've never point blank asked him if he's sleeping around (seems a bit tacky to just boldly ask, and maybe even a bit insecure sounding as well...) And I've never point blank asked him or said that he's not getting any until he agrees that it'd only be with me. How the heck do you handle this stuff?? Never had to deal with this before. For what it's worth, I HAVE made it clear that I'm ok dating just to have companionship and fun, not necessarily with the goal of marriage. So it's not as if he would think that I'm thinking about that.
Dating is so darn confusing sometimes!
Problem is - I'm not going to be intimate with someone who maybe is being intimate with other people. For one thing, I'm not into that kind of casual hookup thing. And the other, it just seems too risky to be (even with protection) to be with multiple partners. But really, I guess I just have too much respect for myself and my value to allow myself to be involved physically with someone who doesn't want to be intimate with me exclusively.
So I'm not sure what to do at this point. We've talked numerous times about "relationship" and what went wrong in our marriages, why they didn't work, etc. What we don't want in any future relationship, etc. But I guess I've never point blank asked him if he's sleeping around (seems a bit tacky to just boldly ask, and maybe even a bit insecure sounding as well...) And I've never point blank asked him or said that he's not getting any until he agrees that it'd only be with me. How the heck do you handle this stuff?? Never had to deal with this before. For what it's worth, I HAVE made it clear that I'm ok dating just to have companionship and fun, not necessarily with the goal of marriage. So it's not as if he would think that I'm thinking about that.
Dating is so darn confusing sometimes!
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Replies
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Can you just talk about a relationship, exclusively with each other, with no intent of marriage at this point? see where it goes, etc etc...?
How long removed from marriage for each of you?0 -
Can you just talk about a relationship, exclusively with each other, with no intent of marriage at this point? see where it goes, etc etc...?
How long removed from marriage for each of you?
Me, a year. Him about 2 1/2 yrs......0 -
If a man is saying that he doesnt want an exclusive relationship at this point... it likely means one of two things
1. He doesnt want one
2. He isnt sure if he wants one with you, yet, or ever, so he's throwing it out there for preventive measures.
So if either of those means you can't handle a casual relationship with him, then throw out your own disclaimer. Talk to him. He isnt a caveman who only wants one thing.
Its sad that, because we overthink everything and men say exactly what they think... we try to read more into it than is actually there. If you talk to him and he answers you, thats your answer. Dont assume he has multiple partners, that's not fair. Dont assume he cant be loyal just because you aren't an official couple.
And most importantly, realise that every couple that develops, is allowed to make and create their own dating rules, based specifically on them and their personalised needs and NO ONE has to conform to some societal standard.
Maybe he'll promise to be exclusive with you sexually, if you dont press him to commit publicly? Compromise is a beautiful thing.
I wish you the very best- it sounds like youre smitten!0 -
I dont think you have to 'commit' to have and exclusive relationship. I know what the guy means, he just doesnt want all the angst that can sometimes go along with commitment. So while you're having fun and enjoying each others company, there is no point for him moving away from that. Best of both worlds. Its the kind of 'relationship' I would love right now :bigsmile:
As for sex, I would definitely have the conversation with him about exclusive sex. I am like you, I dont want to sleep with someone who's bed hopping. I even told my FWB at the time, that this wasnt allowed. We trusted each other and I know that when he did move on, he stopped sleeping with me.
But yeah, you need to talk to each other :flowerforyou:0 -
If he's not getting it from you and he doesn't want to be exclusive, I think it's safe to assume he's getting it somewhere else. I don't really think the question needs to be asked. He has said he doesn't want a relationship, and you don't want sex without exclusivity, so either you're comfortable just dating and having fun with him or you're not.0
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It sounds as if you both have different pictures of where you want to go in life and they are not compatible.
You are within your rights to pursue what you want and him what he wants.
Best,imo,is to just accept that and go forward in your individual lives.0 -
WOW that's why I love these forums....such varying points of view. Although now I'm still confused. I don't want to walk away simply because of an assumption. I do know he has 2 FWB for when neither of them is getting it from someone they're involved with. But then think, hmm, well if he never wants to be exclusive with anyone, wouldn't that mean he's going to his FWBs? Confusing. From what I understand both live at least an hour from him and it's not a "regular" thing. From how I take it, it's more like a few times a year. I'm just not wanting to become a FWB. So that' where it's a bit tricky.....0
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Its sad that, because we overthink everything and men say exactly what they think... we try to read more into it than is actually there. If you talk to him and he answers you, thats your answer. Dont assume he has multiple partners, that's not fair. Dont assume he cant be loyal just because you aren't an official couple.
And most importantly, realise that every couple that develops, is allowed to make and create their own dating rules, based specifically on them and their personalised needs and NO ONE has to conform to some societal standard.
Genius!! And so True!!0 -
Things are at that point now where we're getting more physical, but he's pretty much said from the start that he's probably not going to want an exclusive relationship with anyone.
The last time I was in this situation, a while ago , we'd both had come from bad relationships so I totally understood where he was coming from. And plus, even after 5-6 dates a guy might not have his mind made up yet (so I've been told). Even though there was a push towards more physical, he was also insistent that we were not yet in a relationship. He was (still is) a great guy, but I told him I couldn't get physical (even lightly) with someone if we weren't heading toward exclusivity. I expected him to say something like, "Well, we're headed that way but I just like to take things slow," which would have been my cue to snuggle right into him. But he didn't. Instead, he said good night and quickly drove away.
When he met someone who really rocked his world, he went exclusive with her the next week and is saying things about her I'd love to hear a man say about me. And yes, that hurts, but it would have REALLY hurt even more if I had changed who I am to pursue a relationship with someone who wasn't ever going to commit to me.
If you really mean it when you say, "I'm not going to be intimate with someone who maybe is being intimate with other people," then my suggestion is to let him you feel this way and that you really want to be closer to him but don't feel comfortable without some reassurance he's not being intimate with others. You can remind him that, as you said in your post, you are still ok with just dating for fun (not trying to rush towards marriage) but that for "more fun" it's going to require some level of commitment.0 -
I don't want to walk away simply because of an assumption. I do know he has 2 FWB for when neither of them is getting it from someone they're involved with. But then think, hmm, well if he never wants to be exclusive with anyone, wouldn't that mean he's going to his FWBs? Confusing. From what I understand both live at least an hour from him and it's not a "regular" thing. From how I take it, it's more like a few times a year. I'm just not wanting to become a FWB. So that' where it's a bit tricky.....
I would never go exclusive with my FWBs- the reason they were my FWBs is because
1. Im not attracted enough to them to date them.
2. They get on my nerves and we cant spend time together in public.
3. We have nothing in common so we dont accidentally get attached.
4. I wont hurt their feelings if I only go to their house for an hour and then leave.
5. Its only about sex and keeping the edge off, knowing someone who's squeaky clean and available without demanding you care about them
6. I can call them once every few months and not feel guilty about silence between.
If I decided to be exclusive with someone, it would have been my FWBs that I sent a short note to, explaining that Im taken care of and we can't be hooking up- not a note asking them if they want more.
If anything, FWBs, in the cases of me and my girlfriends, at least, have the disadvantage - and someone you care about that makes you feel good about yourself and is not allergic to feelings- would have the definite advantage.
If you dont just want to be a friend with benefits, then tell him that. They can take the truth
they are made of study stuff, men. Its why we love them so much. 0 -
Maybe he'll promise to be exclusive with you sexually, if you dont press him to commit publicly?
I know I'm old fashioned compared to the folks in this group.... but if a guy proposed this to me, I would feel so hurt, disrespected, and offended. So I'm good enough to spend the night with, but not good enough to tell your friends? I'm sure that's not what you meant, just how I'd feel about it.0 -
You both cleary want completely different things.
One of you would have to compromise. I'm not sure if it's worth it... only you can be the judge of that.
If I were in your shoes, I'd pull out because if you want more, you might get hurt. Eh... who am I kidding? I didn't pull out when I should had did I? But still, that's my advice. :flowerforyou:0 -
Why the games??? Why not say what you are thinking??? "Hey, I want to move this to a physical relationship BUT my conditions are as follows....." OR, ask direct questions...."Are you involved in any other relationships?" "Are you having sex with anyone AT ALL?" Yes, you have to be direct. You're not asking for marriage, you are just being cautious and protecting your physical and emotional well being.
I don't get the "I can't talk to him about this" idea. If you are willing to have him inside you in the most intimate of manners, being able to talk openly is much less intimate. If you are afraid the answers will not be what you are looking for, then don't consider getting physical.
Yes, yoovie is right. Men tend to 'say it like it is' for the most part. Approach this from a practical/pragmatic non-emotional aspect first. If it's not what you want or what you are looking for, don't move in that direction.
Ultimately, he's a man, he's going to want and get sex from somewhere. (Even if that somewhere is himself).0 -
Maybe he'll promise to be exclusive with you sexually, if you dont press him to commit publicly?
I know I'm old fashioned compared to the folks in this group.... but if a guy proposed this to me, I would feel so hurt, disrespected, and offended. So I'm good enough to spend the night with, but not good enough to tell your friends? I'm sure that's not what you meant, just how I'd feel about it.
Yes, I'm much like you. Not commiting publicly? I'd be very offended. But he's already introduced me to a few coworkers/friends of his. I don't think that's an issue, thankfully!0 -
Things are at that point now where we're getting more physical, but he's pretty much said from the start that he's probably not going to want an exclusive relationship with anyone.
The last time I was in this situation, a while ago , we'd both had come from bad relationships so I totally understood where he was coming from. And plus, even after 5-6 dates a guy might not have his mind made up yet (so I've been told). Even though there was a push towards more physical, he was also insistent that we were not yet in a relationship. He was (still is) a great guy, but I told him I couldn't get physical (even lightly) with someone if we weren't heading toward exclusivity. I expected him to say something like, "Well, we're headed that way but I just like to take things slow," which would have been my cue to snuggle right into him. But he didn't. Instead, he said good night and quickly drove away.
When he met someone who really rocked his world, he went exclusive with her the next week and is saying things about her I'd love to hear a man say about me. And yes, that hurts, but it would have REALLY hurt even more if I had changed who I am to pursue a relationship with someone who wasn't ever going to commit to me.
If you really mean it when you say, "I'm not going to be intimate with someone who maybe is being intimate with other people," then my suggestion is to let him you feel this way and that you really want to be closer to him but don't feel comfortable without some reassurance he's not being intimate with others. You can remind him that, as you said in your post, you are still ok with just dating for fun (not trying to rush towards marriage) but that for "more fun" it's going to require some level of commitment.
THIS THIS THIS! I have said for 3 years consistantly ... never getting married again, never want to be in another serious relationship, never want to live with somone .. never never never. Not one single person I have met has made me change my mind. My mind was dead set.
Until now. Now .. I can kinda see myself wavering. lol. Its pathetic. Each relationship is its own. But I have always been a firm believer in if its there and meant to be .. you know it right away.0 -
Maybe he'll promise to be exclusive with you sexually, if you dont press him to commit publicly?
I know I'm old fashioned compared to the folks in this group.... but if a guy proposed this to me, I would feel so hurt, disrespected, and offended. So I'm good enough to spend the night with, but not good enough to tell your friends? I'm sure that's not what you meant, just how I'd feel about it.
No I understand that and how it could hurt so much. I was thinking more along the lines of -
lets not hook up our names on facebook or label each other. I have no problem with you meeting my friends and hanging out in public or even flirting or kissing in public- but I just got out of a marriage, and I was suffocating and I hope that you understand, because we already can communicate so well, that Im a bit gunshy to hand over my new found freedom- especially now that Im starting to feel more like myself and not sure if I want to share it yet. But if you are patient with me, and show me that we can be together without owning each other, I may just surprise you. But please give me the benefit of the doubt if you are starting to care about me as much as you say you are."
when it comes to relationships- pressure to define one wont make a diamond, and room to breathe and remain an individual and make your own decisions is a gift.0 -
When he met someone who really rocked his world, he went exclusive with her the next week and is saying things about her I'd love to hear a man say about me. And yes, that hurts, but it would have REALLY hurt even more if I had changed who I am to pursue a relationship with someone who wasn't ever going to commit to me.
I know it's rude to quote yourself, but my post came at the same time as a couple of others, and I just wanna make sure OP sees this part. Thanks, y'all!0 -
When he met someone who really rocked his world, he went exclusive with her the next week and is saying things about her I'd love to hear a man say about me. And yes, that hurts, but it would have REALLY hurt even more if I had changed who I am to pursue a relationship with someone who wasn't ever going to commit to me.
I know it's rude to quote yourself, but my post came at the same time as a couple of others, and I just wanna make sure OP sees this part. Thanks, y'all!
I couldnt agree more. The best friendships/relationships are the healthiest- and the healthiest connections never say, yo square peg, fit through this round hole so we can be together. No.
No absolutely not. Find someone that is amazed by who you are AND what you want.0 -
If you really mean it when you say, "I'm not going to be intimate with someone who maybe is being intimate with other people," then my suggestion is to let him you feel this way and that you really want to be closer to him but don't feel comfortable without some reassurance he's not being intimate with others. You can remind him that, as you said in your post, you are still ok with just dating for fun (not trying to rush towards marriage) but that for "more fun" it's going to require some level of commitment.
This answer exactly. It's fine if you just want to be FWB with someone, but if you don't want them being intimate with others, you have to tell him. They can either agree or say "no then that's okay." I would be scared of the risks too, but I can see how if you say you just want to sleep with him and only him sleep with you, it sounds like commitment and that might be scary to him.0 -
^ no risks, no growth, no gain0
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No I understand that and how it could hurt so much. I was thinking more along the lines of -
lets not hook up our names on facebook or label each other. I have no problem with you meeting my friends and hanging out in public or even flirting or kissing in public- but I just got out of a marriage, and I was suffocating and I hope that you understand, because we already can communicate so well, that Im a bit gunshy to hand over my new found freedom- especially now that Im starting to feel more like myself and not sure if I want to share it yet. But if you are patient with me, and show me that we can be together without owning each other, I may just surprise you. But please give me the benefit of the doubt if you are starting to care about me as much as you say you are."
when it comes to relationships- pressure to define one wont make a diamond, and room to breathe and remain an individual and make your own decisions is a gift.
This is awesome. I need this speech.0 -
bump0
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I should clarify - we were "together" last weekend. Just not so sure I'd want to continue that without knowing he's not hooking up with others or his FWB, etc.
And an update.....He's away at a family wedding this week. Big huge family gathering. While away, he continues to text me just as much as when he's here. (Maybe even more...?) He's texting pictures of everyone telling me who's who. He even has texted while he was at the bachelor party, kareoke, strip club, etc. I'm getting the play by play, which I love. Also, I did talk to him yesterday about my concerns. Said, as some suggested, I don't need an updated facebook status, or want to change the amount of time we're together or want to have any effect on how much time you hang out with friends, etc. But simply that I wasn't wanting to sleep with someone that could be sleeping with others. His response was that it'd take him a while to get to the point of being exclusive....it "takes a lot" for him to get to that point but that he's exploring that option with me. Basically asked my patience. Said he hoped I understood. I said, no I really didn't but that we can talk about it when he returns as he should be enjoying his vacation right now. So he said we'd talk about it when he returns. So I guess where that leaves me is that I will still hang out with him, but I need to stick to my guns about the sex issue. Right?0 -
That says to me he is sleeping with others. So yeh .. stick to your guns about no sex.0
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it "takes a lot" for him to get to that point but that he's exploring that option with me. Basically asked my patience. Said he hoped I understood. I said, no I really didn't but that we can talk about it when he returns as he should be enjoying his vacation right now.
Love your response!
I'm one of those people that can jump out of airplanes but can't jump in and out of bed. The emotional attachment key to enjoyment, and I can't feel emotionally attached if I know the guy isn't attached.
If you have qualms about sex with someone who is sleeping with others, then I applaud you sticking by your guns (even if it means he may disappear)!0 -
I'm the same way. To have the best, intense, hot, sweaty sex is when I'm emotionally secure and attached.
It sounds like he's not ready to be exclusive. It's up to you to wait it out or not. But definately stick to what makes YOU comfortable.0 -
But really, I guess I just have too much respect for myself and my value to allow myself to be involved physically with someone who doesn't want to be intimate with me exclusively.
You just answered your own question right there.0 -
Maybe he'll promise to be exclusive with you sexually, if you dont press him to commit publicly?
I know I'm old fashioned compared to the folks in this group.... but if a guy proposed this to me, I would feel so hurt, disrespected, and offended. So I'm good enough to spend the night with, but not good enough to tell your friends? I'm sure that's not what you meant, just how I'd feel about it.
I am old fashioned just like you as well so your not the only one:)0
This discussion has been closed.