Ex with substance abuse issues?

yepitsjen

I left my daughter's dad because he is an alcoholic and at the time I left he was really experimenting with meth. He went through treatment and quit meth but is still drinking - quite a bit, actually. I didn't realize how much until my niece (my ex-husband's sister's daughter- no actual relation to me) came to stay with us this past weekend. She's 22 and we are still close, even though my ex and I haven't been together for years.

She told me about my exes drinking... and now my daughter just dropped on me, "My dad gets really angry and rude when he's drunk. It scares me sometimes."

Then she went in her room and picked up a book. It was super casual. I have been wondering what's been going on for a while- he lives 4 hours away by car, and I fly her to his town every other Friday. For the past 4 months she has either refused to go or called me the whole weekend just to "say hi" and say she misses me. I have just eaten about $500 worth of plane tickets because she doesn't want to go.

That's why I left him. Amongst other things- he drinks. A lot. All the time. And when he drinks, he likes to A) be a ****, have sex with everyone but the person he's partnered with when he's drinking, C) play music. I never had a problem with him around my kid- this is new

Do any of you deal with this? It's things like this that totally derail me. I stress eat (not drink). Healthy, right?

Oops- edited to say I stress *eat*

JanieJack

How old is your daughter?

If she's old enough to notice his drinking, and how mean it makes him, she's probably old enough to have more input into her travel to see him. When my parents split, our visits to dad's were miserable. He would come home, go back into his room and stay there all weekend, unless it was to come out and yell at us for not doing something. Not saying he didn’t love us, but it just wasn’t a healthy environment. But my mom insisted we keep going back and, while I understand her motivation, I think it would have been healthier to skip most of the visits.

yepitsjen

She's 12. I'm letting her have more and more of a say as to when she goes. He gets all sad and melancholy about it, but I tell him it's her choice.

It's become less and less of a healthy environment. I have to go down to his town for work next week. I'm going to take him to dinner and talk to him about it I think.

Thanks, JanieJack

JanieJack

What's the minimum visitation required by the divorce decree?

I forgot to mention (in case it adds perspective) that much of what my dad spent his weekends in his room doing was drinking, but we didn't know that as kids.

Doreen_Murray

I think it's great that you're giving her more of an option to not go if she doesn't wish to and talking about it with him sounds like a positive step. Have you maybe discussed with a lawyer to restrict visitation to supervised visits? I just know that with substance abuse a lot that comes with it is hiding and lies. It's a very difficult thing to manage, but it sounds like the issue is out in the open between the three of you and that is the best first step. She definitely is old enough to grasp everything that's happening, so giving her a say and freedom to discuss is a great idea! Sorry you have to manage this. Not easy.