When toTell Him You're Divorced

JanieJack

My friend asked me at what point should she mention to her eHarmony matches that she is divorced.

For me, it's ASAP, since I have a kid and it's important to me that people know upfront he wasn't born out of wedlock (long story) but she didn't have kids with her ex, so the divorce is not something she mentions right away.

When would you divulge?




Edit: She says she answered this "Divorced" when eHarmony asked, but that this status doesn't show on her profile.

will010574

Right up front! It is one of the eharmony questions you answer right away anyhow some should know. On most dating sites, to include eharmony it lists your status....if she doesn't list herself as divorced I would think that is shady and wonder what else is she not saying. Besides roughly half of all people are divorced so why be that worried?

JanieJack

She says she answered this "Divorced" when eHarmony asked, but that this status doesn't show on her profile. She's getting to the point of talking with some of the guys, and thinks she should tell them. But she's wondering about how soon is too soon.

I'll edit my question to say this. Good catch.

will010574

Janie! Go to sleep! It is after 0100! But yeah tell her to reeeeeellllaaaaxxxxx! Just tell him, it's not a big deal. Well I guess with a younger crowd it is a semi big deal. I'm 38 and don't care, not sure how old your friend is so maybe it is a bigger deal for her. Now get some sleep!

Carl01

In the opening getting to know conversations,very soon into them.

flimflamfloz

I'd PERSONALLY wait for the first date, just in case. I will always prefer to explain something to someone in person than to have them read it and judge me.

But it depends on how she feels about it really: if she wants some hardcore screening, then she mentions it upfront on her profile and will never have to worry about it ever again. Everyone who contacts her knows about it.

But then she might miss a few opportunities (People like me who have never been married and need some reassurance that she is fine. Up to her).

AllanMisner

Considering how strongly some people feel about this topic, I'd let them know early in the communication. No need to get into it only to have it crash around you on a technicality.

Steelheart7

In the opening getting to know conversations,very soon into them.

Agreed.

ItsCasey

Definitely ASAP. I dated a guy who failed to mentioned he'd been married before for the entire first month we were together. I never asked because the person who set us up told me he'd never been married and didn't have children, and I assumed she knew what she was talking about. Then one night he decided to bring it up, and I was definitely hurt by it. It wasn't that he'd been married before; it was that he waited so long to tell me, and I couldn't help but wonder what else I didn't know.

La_Amazona

I had changed my profile to say single (remember I posted about it) and honestly it'd give me anxiety everytime I met a new guy because I knew I had to tell him.
At the same time, I didn't want to be defined by a divorce that was the best decision for me. Well I ended up changing it back to divorce to avoid the anxiety. Blah.

With Smiley, he hadn't brought it up (we had already been talking over a week on the phone and so forth and he's been great about asking questions about me) so I brought it up on our 1st date at the pub after dinner. I just asked him if he knew that I was divorced and he said yes, he had seen it on my profile. I said he hadn't asked about it so wasn't sure if he knew. I just felt better bringing it up soon. I didn't go into much detail except for saying why I got divorced (he cheated and he still treated me like crap for 3 years after).

On our 2nd date, we were having deeper converstations and I asked him if it bothered him that I was divorced to which he said no. He said the only concern he'd have is me going back to him which i replied Hell No! He said he thought it showed character and strength on my part for trying to work it out with someone who hurt me.

So yes, she should bring it up soon!! If not, it'll be in her mind and she won't be able to relax... plus, it's only fair for them to know what they're walking into. So far, even young guys like Smiley, haven't had a problem with it.

ETA: And like someone said, I didn't bring it up on the phone because I thought that type of conversation was best had in person.

JanieJack

I'd PERSONALLY wait for the first date, just in case. I will always prefer to explain something to someone in person than to have them read it and judge me.

I can understand this...I had a guy the other day insisting over the phone that I tell him my rank and what I do in the military. I told him I found that my career field typically prejudices folks to think I'm a different kind of person, so let's hang out first, get to know each other and then we'll talk about what we do. It always goes downhill after that, because once you express hesitation to talk about something you've already lost, lol.

Divorce is even worse… so many people in her age group (she’s much younger than me) want to marry someone who hasn’t been “tainted.” It’s not her fault that she got married right out of college to a man who cheated on her in their first year.

La_Amazona

I'd PERSONALLY wait for the first date, just in case. I will always prefer to explain something to someone in person than to have them read it and judge me.

I can understand this...I had a guy the other day insisting over the phone that I tell him my rank and what I do in the military. I told him I found that my career field typically prejudices folks to think I'm a different kind of person, so let's hang out first, get to know each other and then we'll talk about what we do. It always goes downhill after that, because once you express hesitation to talk about something you've already lost, lol.

Divorce is even worse… so many people in her age group (she’s much younger than me) want to marry someone who hasn’t been “tainted.” It’s not her fault that she got married right out of college to a man who cheated on her in their first year.

Like I said, so far the guys I've dated, didn't care. Obviously, I'm sure there are just like I prefer a guy with no children. It's all about preference. And if a guy she meets NEXTS her because of her divorce, well he's not the one anyway.

DMZ_1

I'd like to know pretty soon. I have a preference for a never married over a divorcee, but I am open to a divorcee with no kids and she would have to have no/very infrequent contact with the ex.

toots99

I'd say tell him right up front.

chocolateandvodka

I cover this in the first conversation. I also am sure to include that I was married at 19, he was abusive, and I left by 22. no kids. no love lost. no contact. but it's there. big and scary and ugly and looming over my future.

sometimes i wonder if it really matters, since there's literally no remainder of the marriage, but i feel like it's worth mentioning since it will matter to some.

but then again i'm the kind of person who likes to cover all the pros and cons right up front. as a result, i've been single a while. but the relationships i've had have been good ones.