Strategies and tips to get out from Anorexia nervosa
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There is so much good advice on this thread that I totally agree with
) Especially that we are ALL worth so so much more than numbers... numbers of calories or the number on the scale.
Razique, I totally get why your strength training helped you so much. When I was in recovery I reached a healthy weight but I was still struggling a lot mentally (and truth be told I gained weight mostly by b/ping, not by healthy means). But then I found the strength to leave home and get a job on a sail boat. It was hard to cope at first but I loved it so much that eventually I stopped worrying about food almost entirely. I know that not everyone can just take off like I did. But having non food oriented goals (for me it was to progress with my sailing qualifications) can really help.
I am by no means completely better - if you have suffered from EDs then maybe you can never truly escape them? But I feel so, so, so much stronger and healthier now that I am treating my body with respect. I think back to when I was always cold, weak, depressed and tired - and STARVING hungry - and I think, never again.
To all of you who are still locked into a battle with anorexia - I send my love to you and hope that you can stay strong. The road to recovery is not an easy one and neither is life after an ED - but it is much, much better than giving in and being controlled by those ED voices. I promise that if you start to look after your body then it will repay you with energy and strength, both mental and physical.0 -
There is so much good advice on this thread that I totally agree with) Especially that we are ALL worth so so much more than numbers... numbers of calories or the number on the scale.
Razique, I totally get why your strength training helped you so much. When I was in recovery I reached a healthy weight but I was still struggling a lot mentally (and truth be told I gained weight mostly by b/ping, not by healthy means). But then I found the strength to leave home and get a job on a sail boat. It was hard to cope at first but I loved it so much that eventually I stopped worrying about food almost entirely. I know that not everyone can just take off like I did. But having non food oriented goals (for me it was to progress with my sailing qualifications) can really help.
I am by no means completely better - if you have suffered from EDs then maybe you can never truly escape them? But I feel so, so, so much stronger and healthier now that I am treating my body with respect. I think back to when I was always cold, weak, depressed and tired - and STARVING hungry - and I think, never again.
To all of you who are still locked into a battle with anorexia - I send my love to you and hope that you can stay strong. The road to recovery is not an easy one and neither is life after an ED - but it is much, much better than giving in and being controlled by those ED voices. I promise that if you start to look after your body then it will repay you with energy and strength, both mental and physical.
Thanks a lot Ella :-) Nocturnal and Transfixed are doing great lately, for both of you, congratulations :-)
I'd like you to think about the pleasant part that comes along with eating disorder. There are imho two ways of seeing the ED :
- The first side of the coin, is the worst one, it blocks us from sleeping well, for being able to think things through, but to feel miserable and dirty. That part is the well known by people who only read there and that stuff about EDers, and think we do it purposely. It is in fact the face that smashes us before even noticing it : pain, suffer, loneliness, and swings with food
- The second side is the shape of a peaceful garden that the ED takes. There is a part of pleasure and the seek for self-realisation towards that side.
Why would you last in that side, does it worths the first side ?0 -
Thanks so much for that Ella. It gives us hope that life does in fact get better And thanks Razique, it's a huge struggle though but I'm trying my best to handle it.
It's true that others believe this is a choice but it's not a choice to me. I wouldn't want this struggle that I go through to happen to anyone in the world, ever. Even though I want to starve myself and purge badly, I would rather have a normal relationship with food. I feel depressed about the fact that only starvation brings me happiness because that shouldn't be the case. But you're right, I should look into the positive aspect. The search for self-acceptance while recovering is truly rewarding and I hope to be able to get better. Is there hope that I can get better? I hope so.0 -
Definitely, just be strong enough to have faith in you, and keep eating your sweets salads. The feeling I had was :
"Ok it's getting more and more complicated..." :Ddays are tougher, and every day was getting worse than the previous one. In the end, it was some sort of weird circus where I didn't know what I was doing anymore.
I was supposed to lose weight, not ending crying in my bed, looking for some desperate help. I learned that battle requires personal strength. People can tell you where Rome is, not take you there.
But we didn't reply to my last question :I'd like you to think about the pleasant part that comes along with eating disorder. There are imho two ways of seeing the ED :
- The first side of the coin, is the worst one, it blocks us from sleeping well, for being able to think things through, but to feel miserable and dirty. That part is the well known by people who only read there and that stuff about EDers, and think we do it purposely. It is in fact the face that smashes us before even noticing it : pain, suffer, loneliness, and swings with food
- The second side is the shape of a peaceful garden that the ED takes. There is a part of pleasure and the seek for self-realisation towards that side.
Why would you last in that side, does it worths the first side ?0 -
Okay well I hope that this time it's going to go away for good, all the other times in the many years previously I didn't really try hard enough and would just go back to starving myself. How did you deal with the fact that it was getting tougher? And I totally understand what you mean by being supposed to lose weight but instead being depressed and looking for help, I feel the same. I will try to work on my personal strength. One problem that keeps going around my head is that if I increase my calories, I will gain weight and that freaks me out so much.
Okay with your question, are you saying that both sides are EDs? So even after recovering, we still have traces of ED left? Well currently the first side is what I see, it brings me unhappiness, pain, suffering, loneliness and swings with food. But I can also understand the second side, but doesn't that only occur while on the way to recovery? I want to be able to have the peaceful side things. I want to last on that side but I don't know why I would because I sometimes fall backwards and the process of recovery starts from the beginning again. I can never seem to reach the point where I have continuously seeked self-realisation. I will last this time I think.. I want to get better for good now, I don't want to turn back. It is worth the first side, the first side only brings depression.0 -
Okay well I hope that this time it's going to go away for good, all the other times in the many years previously I didn't really try hard enough and would just go back to starving myself. How did you deal with the fact that it was getting tougher?
A remember a day I was very week (few months back), like ****ing tired, and very pale. I just felt that was too much, and what for in te end ? Walking like a zombie, and doze-off 20 minutes after my trainings started. That picture of me was just disgusting, and I decided to move on the other way, gain weight, but via muscles, and not to lose anymore fat on the few left. So only traces the ED was leaving behind it was only dust and pain. I then decided to go to see a nutritionist. The first one sucked, an old-school one who only told me "you need to eat more", as if I didn't know that. I gave another shot and found one for sportsmen who gave me a program and left me free to apply it my own rythm, my own way. It involved a lot of foods I usually didn't eat (carbs, butter, 20% fat french cheese, read meat, etc...) the first days was not in adequation with the program, but I ended to apply it, pushing on both cardio and strength with only vegies as carb intakes wasn't sustainable. Not to mention the growing passion to nutrition that helped me to figure wood was just energy. Well-disposed, it can helps to develop a body. people get fat because they pig out on food in front of their TVs everyday. This is so not what we are doing, the body is always in activity, meaning it disposes cleverly of that energy. That was basically my way to move the piece of concreteAnd I totally understand what you mean by being supposed to lose weight but instead being depressed and looking for help, I feel the same. I will try to work on my personal strength. One problem that keeps going around my head is that if I increase my calories, I will gain weight and that freaks me out so much.
It still scares me to gain FAT, the weight itself doesn't mean anything. Like Jess wisely says, : we are not numbers.
What for the Life of your body 80 or 79 lbs mean ? nothing, what matters is how you dispose of these lbs and what they are made off. In one another measure, since we know water and lotta factor mess with that figure, it is more interesting to use the mirror. In front of it, I prefer to see me now, well developed rather than as white as my protein powders.Okay wit1h your question, are you saying that both sides are EDs? So even after recovering, we still have traces of ED left? Well currently the first side is what I see, it brings me unhappiness, pain, suffering, loneliness and swings with food. But I can also understand the second side, but doesn't that only occur while on the way to recovery? I want to be able to have the peaceful side things. I want to last on that side but I don't know why I would because I sometimes fall backwards and the process of recovery starts from the beginning again. I can never seem to reach the point where I have continuously seeked self-realisation. I will last this time I think.. I want to get better for good now, I don't want to turn back. It is worth the first side, the first side only brings depression.
In fact, not really, once you'll be out of there, the feeling of relief it will give you would push you even more to fix all the sides that are negative and self-destructive ones. When I started to eat more, I said "cool; I sleep better", then "woaw, I'm not weak everyday", then "woaw, I can perform better", then "waw, muscles are growing", and i started then to remove all the factors that would piss me off and give me the feeling of wasting my time .I lost my time when I cut down on friends to avoid a beer or a restaurant.
Being convinced to make the right decisions when it comes to sel-destruction motives brings nothing but our own loss.
I used to feel like a puppet, being controlled and driven by the ED, sleeping and waking up being ****ed up, and even unable to control my actions, for instance it was a pain to see that I was only putting a few grams of rice (I remember these 25 grams of carbs), and i also had the feeling of drowing. I was like this :
You told me you "felt" it was now the time. What feelings do you have on a daily basis ?0 -
How did you get yourself to go the other way and see a nutritionist? Because I've experienced many days where I'd get blackouts, lose balance, feel weak, etc but I didn't care because my desire to be super thin is too strong. Did it just happen randomly? I do want to get better but I still want to lose lots and lots of weight.
I fear both fat gain and weight gain though. Weight means something to me, I do not like the number I see, I want to be sooo much lighter. Even gaining water weight scares me, which might happen by increasing my calories. And as for the mirror, I see a fat person in the mirror. My bones need to stick out a lot more than it already is.
It gives me hope that you tell me that positive thoughts have gone into your mind. I cannot stand the negative thoughts that are racing through my mind every second of the day. Hmm it's hard to look into the positives though because I just feel so fat when I increase my calories. I did notice that I feel like I have more energy on days where I eat 600 calories than on days where I have 200. I also closed off all my friends and family, I cannot associate with them any more. I also ruined all my studies and my future may suffer too.
I feel a lack of control from what I'm going through as well but I gain control when I get to starve myself or purge, I know I shouldn't though. However you mention being a puppet of an ED... I do not believe I have an ED, many people have said I do but I honestly don't. No-one fat like me can have an ED, even if it's psychological.
Yes I feel like I need to get better because it's been practically 7 years since this all truly began, it goes on and off but it never healed. I am at a stage of life where my future is being determined now and I cannot destroy my future because of this.
On a daily basis, I constantly call myself fat. What frustrates me though is that others say I'm not but they must be lying. Because I am fat, food is unnecessary to me and I feel I can live without it. I also feel helpless and lost in life.
I want to get better, this depresses me so much sometimes that I want to cry.0 -
It's hard... But you don't want to get your wake up call finding yourself unable to move in a bed, and having your parents rush you to a hospital to be stuck there for over a week.
You're worth it. I've found that I have a better body image when I go to the gym. Have you tried that?0 -
It's hard... But you don't want to get your wake up call finding yourself unable to move in a bed, and having your parents rush you to a hospital to be stuck there for over a week.
You're worth it. I've found that I have a better body image when I go to the gym. Have you tried that?
Agreed on both points.
Like Razique has said - for me too, physical exercise is absolutely crucial to my continuing recovery. Without exercise I would be lost. It allows me to think of my body like a machine - I have to fuel it so that I can keep exercising and getting stronger and fitter. I think that exercise endorphins are really important too. Seeing my muscles grow, feeling strong and getting lean - all the while being able to eat a lot, because I burn a lot - it is so much better than eating nothing, having no strength and no energy.0 -
Well I guess to all of the people who are suffering with your disease you can look at it this way...your way isnt working.You can always go back to the way you are, but I know it is hard to take that initial step to trust someone else,but for me i have been miserable for over 25 years now and my way isnt working.No number is ever low enough and truth be told it just causes more misery for me and my family and friends. I am by no means recovered but what I can tell you is the sooner you deal with this the better. Lived most of my life with my ed. It had ruined my body beyond repair and I dont wish that for any of you. so what ever it takes please try to have some faith and try what has worked for others..talk it over with your therapist or doctor because trust me you dont want to live or should I say not live your life like this.0
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Are you seeing a therapist at all? You really should have some professional help it isnt easy doing it alone. Mentioning even safe. Look at my pics. I thought I was fat in those and they werent even my lowest is that what you want.If you need someone to talk to I am hereHow did you get yourself to go the other way and see a nutritionist? Because I've experienced many days where I'd get blackouts, lose balance, feel weak, etc but I didn't care because my desire to be super thin is too strong. Did it just happen randomly? I do want to get better but I still want to lose lots and lots of weight.
I fear both fat gain and weight gain though. Weight means something to me, I do not like the number I see, I want to be sooo much lighter. Even gaining water weight scares me, which might happen by increasing my calories. And as for the mirror, I see a fat person in the mirror. My bones need to stick out a lot more than it already is.
It gives me hope that you tell me that positive thoughts have gone into your mind. I cannot stand the negative thoughts that are racing through my mind every second of the day. Hmm it's hard to look into the positives though because I just feel so fat when I increase my calories. I did notice that I feel like I have more energy on days where I eat 600 calories than on days where I have 200. I also closed off all my friends and family, I cannot associate with them any more. I also ruined all my studies and my future may suffer too.
I feel a lack of control from what I'm going through as well but I gain control when I get to starve myself or purge, I know I shouldn't though. However you mention being a puppet of an ED... I do not believe I have an ED, many people have said I do but I honestly don't. No-one fat like me can have an ED, even if it's psychological.
Yes I feel like I need to get better because it's been practically 7 years since this all truly began, it goes on and off but it never healed. I am at a stage of life where my future is being determined now and I cannot destroy my future because of this.
On a daily basis, I constantly call myself fat. What frustrates me though is that others say I'm not but they must be lying. Because I am fat, food is unnecessary to me and I feel I can live without it. I also feel helpless and lost in life.
I want to get better, this depresses me so much sometimes that I want to cry.0 -
How did you get yourself to go the other way and see a nutritionist? Because I've experienced many days where I'd get blackouts, lose balance, feel weak, etc but I didn't care because my desire to be super thin is too strong. Did it just happen randomly? I do want to get better but I still want to lose lots and lots of weight.
I fear both fat gain and weight gain though. Weight means something to me, I do not like the number I see, I want to be sooo much lighter. Even gaining water weight scares me, which might happen by increasing my calories. And as for the mirror, I see a fat person in the mirror. My bones need to stick out a lot more than it already is.
It gives me hope that you tell me that positive thoughts have gone into your mind. I cannot stand the negative thoughts that are racing through my mind every second of the day. Hmm it's hard to look into the positives though because I just feel so fat when I increase my calories. I did notice that I feel like I have more energy on days where I eat 600 calories than on days where I have 200. I also closed off all my friends and family, I cannot associate with them any more. I also ruined all my studies and my future may suffer too.
I feel a lack of control from what I'm going through as well but I gain control when I get to starve myself or purge, I know I shouldn't though. However you mention being a puppet of an ED... I do not believe I have an ED, many people have said I do but I honestly don't. No-one fat like me can have an ED, even if it's psychological.
Yes I feel like I need to get better because it's been practically 7 years since this all truly began, it goes on and off but it never healed. I am at a stage of life where my future is being determined now and I cannot destroy my future because of this.
On a daily basis, I constantly call myself fat. What frustrates me though is that others say I'm not but they must be lying. Because I am fat, food is unnecessary to me and I feel I can live without it. I also feel helpless and lost in life.
I want to get better, this depresses me so much sometimes that I want to cry.
I just told myself that I was pushing enough, my life was already messed up enough.
I dunno Nocturnal, I guess for everybody, when things happen it's a whole. It took less time for some, more for others, in the end, what really matters i guess it's keeping the faith in you. maybe find it.
Now that I think of, by accepting that I am who I am, it helped me. Self-destruction starts when one doesn't accept who he is. The image the mirror was willing to gave me went that way . When I accepted myself, with my high and low phases, it's like everything started to make sense. Going the other would have been the worst thing to do.
My friend with the ED (now in the hospital) told me "the only reason i'm still alive today it's because I'm too weak to kill myself." What kind of weakness was she talking about ? Does it require strength for being healthy ? Doest Life requires strength.
Weren't we as strong as everybody when we decided to live, and see for us things to come ?
You yourself noticed how it was ruining your future, it ruined part of mine since now I'lve lost so many people. that's the problem when it comes to personal nervosas, no matter their kind. Everything happens way more quicker than anticipated.
You told me now you came with a strong plan, what does it look like ?0 -
I'm sure I've posted a lengthy story somewhere on these forums, but here's the synopsis:
At age 10, obese due to years of overeating and binge eating, started dieting
By age 14, "dieting" meant <400 cal/day + >3 hours intense exercise/day
At age 15, hospitalized for depression and suicidality, began eating and purging while in the hospital so staff wouldn't figure out my little secret
At age 16, released from hospital and started bingeing like crazy, thinking purging would make it go away. Started gaining weight. Then started starving myself again. Couldn't stop bingeing. Weight kept going up. Eventually lost my will to control the weight and binged without compensating behaviors. Gained 100 pounds in the next few years.
At age 21, began restricting to compensate for bingeing/overeating to prevent more weight gain. Did that for 10 years.
At age 31, injury cost me my job, my house, my independence. Binged daily. Gained 50 in 3 months. Struggled for the next 4 years to lose that weight through a variety of healthy methods only to gain 10 more pounds.
At age 35 (last Fall), diagnosed with infertility, diabetes, and a heart condition at the same time that a lot of stressful junk came up in my life. Almost stopped eating entirely. Lost 50 pounds in 3 months. Turned 36, moved 700 miles from home, got a 80-hour/week job, and have struggled immensely with food since. Some days I barely eat, some days I eat 3x maintenance. Most days I want to recover, but some days I feel like my disorder is all I have. It's hard.
Things that help me - eating a little chocolate/chips/whatever that I would typically binge on to prevent the "forbidden foods" binge. Eating enough. Changing my calorie goal to maintenance (if I go over by even 1 calorie when in weight loss mode it either makes me restrict, binge, or purge. This also allows me more room on days when I'm just hungrier than usual!) Giving myself a day (or two meals per week, depending on the week) to eat things I usually wouldn't - usually in the context of date night with my sweetie or a party or whatever. My favorite binge intervention is procrastination - "not today; I'll binge tomorrow but not today" or "not right now, I'll binge tonight but not right now." It gives me a chance to to put a little time between me and the binge - it is successful at preventing a binge about 70% of the time. If it doesn't prevent it completely, it makes them smaller because I've often eaten a meal by the time I get to a binge and there's simply less room in my stomach. Other than that, therapy. Setting boundaries. Saying "no" to people.
I could use some friends who are trying to recover - send me a request if interested!0 -
I just told myself that I was pushing enough, my life was already messed up enough.
I dunno Nocturnal, I guess for everybody, when things happen it's a whole. It took less time for some, more for others, in the end, what really matters i guess it's keeping the faith in you. maybe find it.
Now that I think of, by accepting that I am who I am, it helped me. Self-destruction starts when one doesn't accept who he is. The image the mirror was willing to gave me went that way . When I accepted myself, with my high and low phases, it's like everything started to make sense. Going the other would have been the worst thing to do.
My friend with the ED (now in the hospital) told me "the only reason i'm still alive today it's because I'm too weak to kill myself." What kind of weakness was she talking about ? Does it require strength for being healthy ? Doest Life requires strength.
Weren't we as strong as everybody when we decided to live, and see for us things to come ?
You yourself noticed how it was ruining your future, it ruined part of mine since now I'lve lost so many people. that's the problem when it comes to personal nervosas, no matter their kind. Everything happens way more quicker than anticipated.
You told me now you came with a strong plan, what does it look like ?
I do want to recover but I don't want to see a therapist or nutritionist or anyone, I just can't. I hope it doesn't take as long for me because I've already wasted many years of my life being so obsessed. I'll try to find faith in myself, I'm a little lost looking for the right answer.
I do want to live, I don't think about ending my life. As depressed as I may be sometimes, I do not believe in destroying my life, I want to get out of this hole. You're right, it requires strength.
Yes it's ruining my present and my future which is why I want to recover and improve. Currently I'm at a stage in life where my future is being depended upon and because of how I feel and what I'm doing, I'm ruining my whole future. Is it possible to recover quickly or at least stop this from doing more damage?
Well for my plan, I'm unsure of it now. I think your suggestion of off-days were really good but I'm confused on whether it helped. I need to give it a few more tries before deciding. I was thinking about having one day a week where I'd under-eat even lower than usual to make myself happier by allowing to starve myself. I could also have one day a week where I'd eat more than my usual amount so I get used to higher calories. The rest of the days would be just my slow increase in calories (plus the one off-day you suggested). I am going to occupy myself with things during the week to hopefully dim down my obsession a little bit. I might have a set time where I can only go on MFP for during those times - that way I don't constantly look at the amount of calories and want to starve/purge. I could also start to talk to my friends and family again and hopefully restore the broken relationships - it's very hard though, I have self-isolated myself. I don't know really... I still want to starve myself and I still see a fat person in the mirror that disgusts me. Is body image something I can improve on? Also, how does the plan that I told you sound? Is it okay? Which parts should I change? Feel free to give me any more suggestions, this has ruined my life enough already.
Thanks everyone!0 -
Are you seeing a therapist at all? You really should have some professional help it isnt easy doing it alone. Mentioning even safe. Look at my pics. I thought I was fat in those and they werent even my lowest is that what you want.If you need someone to talk to I am here
Hi, no I'm not. I want to do this alone, but technically I'm not alone because I have MFP. The reason I can't go to a therapist is because I'm still in high school and am living with my parents. I don't want them to find out or anyone for that matter. Although everyone is suspicious of something, this is something personal and I cannot deal with it while facing others. I'm glad you are helping yourself, I hope to do that as well. Good luck and thank you! It's very difficult to fight.0 -
Did your goals helped you so far ?
What benefits came out from them ?
What is your next move ?0 -
Did your goals helped you so far ?
What benefits came out from them ?
What is your next move ?
Well I had goals planned but I didn't reach them and if I did, I'd just fall back down again. I've been struggling a lot and I'm very confused at whether anything helped. I will keep taking off-days every Sunday. Yesterday's off-day was my second one so far and it was weird because I really didn't feel like eating anything at all but I wasn't calorie counting either so I should be eating more but I wasn't. I was also very lost. My calories seem to be getting lower sometimes too.
My next move has now changed completely. I was going to progressively increase my intake but as you know Razique, I have gotten some serious health problems that I cannot let get any worse so I will have to increase it much much faster as you suggested and get up to 1000 calories. That's double what I have now and is a very scary number. I do not know how to do this or how to approach it. I feel extremely fat but I think I'll have to accept that and just keep going because my health matters first. I don't know what kind of plan to set up for this one.0 -
I'm with you, and that is great that at least you are realizing you can't just mess with that. much people died because of that, much girls or boys still every day. Some can't have children, others can't walk anymore.
This is where the "energy" comes into play: you eat ; you can live, you don't, you die.
For your next move, there are two ways of seeing it :
- it could be the pain and the felling to be even more fat to come
- a chance you have to be still alive. It's all about avoiding death, may sound rude, but you know what I'm talking about after we PMed yesterday. Eating 500 or 1000 won't change a thing at the moment on the feeling you'll still have towards you.
So at least, eat more for giving your body the opportunity to live.
you know, when I started to bulk, I was scared to gain fat, you remember ?
in fact, there were days I stopped to eat when I was feeling bloated, even if I was way under my calorie goals. And it led to nothing. When we want something to change sometimes, we work our *kitten* off.
You told you wasn't able to stick to your goals, I had the feeling you didn't really believed in them pretty soon. I could be wrong on that, but you are like me : I was saying i can gain while I'm eating and trying. I wasn't really trying. , I was still scared.
Same before the nutritionist, I said I want things to change, I wasn't ready until the episode you read in my blog.
I remember that morning, I really said "ok damn; what's the point". Days were harsh meanwhile, but see it here as a necessary difficulty for the best to come. You have a job waiting for you, you could be a performer, but you need to be free from these chains.
Nocturnal, if I could give you the feeling I had when I've been able to move on, trust me, I would.
unfortunately, you are the only owner of your life, such a privileges carries it's load of strength and self-determination when it comes to success.0 -
wow well done guys this thread is great!! unfortunately for me its not working out as well
!! they wont do much for me at the moment because according to them i am not underweight and therefore i am not "critical" so they have left me in the hands of my doctor who i have to see for weigh ins and blood tests once a week (booo) my kidneys are being naughty hence the blood tests!! most days i feel like giving up on it all but hopefully someday someone will take an interest and hopefully it wont be too late for me!! 0 -
Hello and welcome luvlyjannywow well done guys this thread is great!! unfortunately for me its not working out as well!! they wont do much for me at the moment because according to them i am not underweight and therefore i am not "critical" so they have left me in the hands of my doctor who i have to see for weigh ins and blood tests once a week (booo) my kidneys are being naughty hence the blood tests!! most days i feel like giving up on it all but hopefully someday someone will take an interest and hopefully it wont be too late for me!!
What are you fighting against ?0 -
EDNOS and tend to swing more towards anorexia although i have bad binge and purge days... I lost a lot of weight which is how my doctor caught on!! i am still overweight though which is the most frustrating part of this!! its such a struggle but i feel like it gets me nowhere0
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I'm with you, and that is great that at least you are realizing you can't just mess with that. much people died because of that, much girls or boys still every day. Some can't have children, others can't walk anymore.
This is where the "energy" comes into play: you eat ; you can live, you don't, you die.
For your next move, there are two ways of seeing it :
- it could be the pain and the felling to be even more fat to come
- a chance you have to be still alive. It's all about avoiding death, may sound rude, but you know what I'm talking about after we PMed yesterday. Eating 500 or 1000 won't change a thing at the moment on the feeling you'll still have towards you.
So at least, eat more for giving your body the opportunity to live.
you know, when I started to bulk, I was scared to gain fat, you remember ?
in fact, there were days I stopped to eat when I was feeling bloated, even if I was way under my calorie goals. And it led to nothing. When we want something to change sometimes, we work our *kitten* off.
You told you wasn't able to stick to your goals, I had the feeling you didn't really believed in them pretty soon. I could be wrong on that, but you are like me : I was saying i can gain while I'm eating and trying. I wasn't really trying. , I was still scared.
Same before the nutritionist, I said I want things to change, I wasn't ready until the episode you read in my blog.
I remember that morning, I really said "ok damn; what's the point". Days were harsh meanwhile, but see it here as a necessary difficulty for the best to come. You have a job waiting for you, you could be a performer, but you need to be free from these chains.
Nocturnal, if I could give you the feeling I had when I've been able to move on, trust me, I would.
unfortunately, you are the only owner of your life, such a privileges carries it's load of strength and self-determination when it comes to success.
Yeah I do realise I can't let it go on further. I thought that today I'll finally do better but my calories haven't improved one bit. I don't know what it is to do that'll help me eat more. I'll try tomorrow, I need to promise myself. And yes, I'm scared about not being able to have kids, my menstrual cycle is stuffing up and I can't let it get worse. I never thought that I'd die if I don't eat. I feel like I'm fat so I can survive and don't need it.
I need to start looking at it from the second perspective - the fact that eating is for survival. And I wish to have a bright future ahead of me. Thank you, it's starting to dawn on me as I type this... if I want a good future, I need to eat, otherwise I may not have a future at all. Eating is scary, death is scary too though.
I remember and you're doing a great job. I guess I need to keep pushing if I truly want this. Yes you are correct, I didn't believe in them much and I wasn't really trying even though I said I was. I am mentally not ready. I want to be ready though because this is ruining so much already. It is very frightening.
Thank you Razique. I will try and find that self-determination and strength to unlock those chains that hold me back. I can't wait till it's too late. I kept putting it off and thinking that I could starve myself for a little longer and it never stopped. If you see me not increasing, you can be direct with me, I think I need to see the reality.0 -
I'm with you, and that is great that at least you are realizing you can't just mess with that. much people died because of that, much girls or boys still every day. Some can't have children, others can't walk anymore.
This is where the "energy" comes into play: you eat ; you can live, you don't, you die.
For your next move, there are two ways of seeing it :
- it could be the pain and the felling to be even more fat to come
- a chance you have to be still alive. It's all about avoiding death, may sound rude, but you know what I'm talking about after we PMed yesterday. Eating 500 or 1000 won't change a thing at the moment on the feeling you'll still have towards you.
So at least, eat more for giving your body the opportunity to live.
you know, when I started to bulk, I was scared to gain fat, you remember ?
in fact, there were days I stopped to eat when I was feeling bloated, even if I was way under my calorie goals. And it led to nothing. When we want something to change sometimes, we work our *kitten* off.
You told you wasn't able to stick to your goals, I had the feeling you didn't really believed in them pretty soon. I could be wrong on that, but you are like me : I was saying i can gain while I'm eating and trying. I wasn't really trying. , I was still scared.
Same before the nutritionist, I said I want things to change, I wasn't ready until the episode you read in my blog.
I remember that morning, I really said "ok damn; what's the point". Days were harsh meanwhile, but see it here as a necessary difficulty for the best to come. You have a job waiting for you, you could be a performer, but you need to be free from these chains.
Nocturnal, if I could give you the feeling I had when I've been able to move on, trust me, I would.
unfortunately, you are the only owner of your life, such a privileges carries it's load of strength and self-determination when it comes to success.
Yeah I do realise I can't let it go on further. I thought that today I'll finally do better but my calories haven't improved one bit. I don't know what it is to do that'll help me eat more. I'll try tomorrow, I need to promise myself. And yes, I'm scared about not being able to have kids, my menstrual cycle is stuffing up and I can't let it get worse. I never thought that I'd die if I don't eat. I feel like I'm fat so I can survive and don't need it.
I need to start looking at it from the second perspective - the fact that eating is for survival. And I wish to have a bright future ahead of me. Thank you, it's starting to dawn on me as I type this... if I want a good future, I need to eat, otherwise I may not have a future at all. Eating is scary, death is scary too though.
I remember and you're doing a great job. I guess I need to keep pushing if I truly want this. Yes you are correct, I didn't believe in them much and I wasn't really trying even though I said I was. I am mentally not ready. I want to be ready though because this is ruining so much already. It is very frightening.
Thank you Razique. I will try and find that self-determination and strength to unlock those chains that hold me back. I can't wait till it's too late. I kept putting it off and thinking that I could starve myself for a little longer and it never stopped. If you see me not increasing, you can be direct with me, I think I need to see the reality.
That is great Nocturnal, I think you needed to hit a wall, it is always like this . Sometimes we are stubborn, this not you, this is us, all the imperfect humans. Realizing things is a process, anticipate one another, both live inside, and one always prior over the other sometimes. Lovers wait to fight each other for ending their relations, etc, etc....
At that stage, don't even look for finding easy to eat 3 times more, and of course you'd find it disgusting, but who cares, as long as it works, and it will. Find back that faith in you, and let this go away. It will, see yourself as a champ, you fight, it is not hard, but you do it for your own Life.
That last will make even more sense at you when you'll let ease on you, and focus on the things that matter. The more I was eating, the less I was caring about food. So you will, in the end of the m.o you would understand that there are better things to do, better places to see, better events to feel...0 -
EDNOS and tend to swing more towards anorexia although i have bad binge and purge days... I lost a lot of weight which is how my doctor caught on!! i am still overweight though which is the most frustrating part of this!! its such a struggle but i feel like it gets me nowhere
When did it started, and do you know why ?0 -
it started a year ago... my life just spiraled out of control and it was the only straw i could grab onto... plus my boyfriend at the time said he didnt like how i looked and seemed disgusted with me all the time, i got bullied by family and friends and laughed at about my weight!!
it all started as a diet, cutting out things that i saw as unhealthy... and then slowly cutting out foods and ending with a small list of safe foods and finally i ended up eating very little or not eating at all!! and new friends where i moved to noticed but i just ignored and hid from them... then my doctor noticed and sent me to a dietician (a normal one) but she sent me back to my doctor to refer me to the ed dieticians and then about a month ago i was diagnosed!!0 -
That is great Nocturnal, I think you needed to hit a wall, it is always like this . Sometimes we are stubborn, this not you, this is us, all the imperfect humans. Realizing things is a process, anticipate one another, both live inside, and one always prior over the other sometimes. Lovers wait to fight each other for ending their relations, etc, etc....
At that stage, don't even look for finding easy to eat 3 times more, and of course you'd find it disgusting, but who cares, as long as it works, and it will. Find back that faith in you, and let this go away. It will, see yourself as a champ, you fight, it is not hard, but you do it for your own Life.
That last will make even more sense at you when you'll let ease on you, and focus on the things that matter. The more I was eating, the less I was caring about food. So you will, in the end of the m.o you would understand that there are better things to do, better places to see, better events to feel...
That's true. I kept thinking that nothing will ever happen to me and I can starve myself forever if I wanted to. But in reality there were health problems, relationships issues, studies/school issues, etc.
I will try to increase my calories but I'm so so scared that I'll become fat I don't want that. I know that I need to do what is best for me and what is right but my desire to be thin is so strong. I feel depressed because I am fat. That is why every time I increase my calories a little bit, I never stay up, I go back down to very low calories again. That's what I scared about as well, if I increase it, I go back down so the effort was a waste. It happened many times throughout the year where I'd try and improve and then fall again. It's a cycle. How do I prevent this cycle this time?
I hope that happens to me too. There are things that are more important in life right now that I know I should focus on but I still prioritise weight loss/starving as number one even though I shouldn't.0 -
it started a year ago... my life just spiraled out of control and it was the only straw i could grab onto... plus my boyfriend at the time said he didnt like how i looked and seemed disgusted with me all the time, i got bullied by family and friends and laughed at about my weight!!
it all started as a diet, cutting out things that i saw as unhealthy... and then slowly cutting out foods and ending with a small list of safe foods and finally i ended up eating very little or not eating at all!! and new friends where i moved to noticed but i just ignored and hid from them... then my doctor noticed and sent me to a dietician (a normal one) but she sent me back to my doctor to refer me to the ed dieticians and then about a month ago i was diagnosed!!
It often start by the image other have of you..or image you think people have. I cut down on food, it is part of the ED. you slowly slips into it, and it gets on you. The thing is you need to see is that this has nothing to do with your current weight. Evevn if you were 50 lbs lighter, you would be in the same state of mind. This is not about a figure, this is always trying to lower it, no matter how much it worths.
You can lose all your weight the healthy way, for that you need some sort of a roadmap. And I advise you to work on it, not tomorrow, not the next week, today, tonight : ASAP
- grab a paper
- draw two colums :
column 1: what you like about yourself (skills, hairs, sense of humour)
column 2 : what you hate about yourself
Try to figure how you transfer all the elements from the column 2 to the column 1
ex : I feel huge
- is it possible to lose weight ?
- does the starvation the only way ?
- Do I need to suffer if I want to look hot ?
- What disgusts me in food ?
- Why ?
After you figured out those elements, see yourself on a road, the destination your salvation, and make the path your own.
We often think we depend on people when it comes to judgment. Truth is, we need the confidence and strength to build our own path. This is not the people who take their toll on us, this is US who need a better insight and the fire that'll make the flame stronger.
Much people unload their laziness and weakness to outer patterns as if their lives was the fatalistic ship on the event's sea, this is wrong. I use to tell my brother "you want something? well...just go for it "
You need to be healthy, you need to feel better, you need to accept who you are, but more importantly , you need to understand that starvation is always the easy way when it comes to self-image. The harder way is to accept you can be whatever...but you.
What is your plan now ? Do you really want to change ?0 -
That's true. I kept thinking that nothing will ever happen to me and I can starve myself forever if I wanted to. But in reality there were health problems, relationships issues, studies/school issues, etc.
I will try to increase my calories but I'm so so scared that I'll become fat I don't want that. I know that I need to do what is best for me and what is right but my desire to be thin is so strong. I feel depressed because I am fat. That is why every time I increase my calories a little bit, I never stay up, I go back down to very low calories again. That's what I scared about as well, if I increase it, I go back down so the effort was a waste. It happened many times throughout the year where I'd try and improve and then fall again. It's a cycle. How do I prevent this cycle this time?
I hope that happens to me too. There are things that are more important in life right now that I know I should focus on but I still prioritise weight loss/starving as number one even though I shouldn't.
and again you won't. You would need to eat around 4500 calories everyday during a month of two for gaining several lbs.
but you already know that :-)
I related the move-on move-back driven by fear, you just need that little extra-push that will make you hold strong to it.
In order to prevent the cycle, you need to face your fear to gaining weight, that is somehow a comforting place, I used to see the weight I was in as a reassuring one, as if being in that range will make feel better, but we all know that zones keeps coming down, and it' is more and more harder to sustain it. Moreover, what does that zone brings : nothing but the feeling to feel safe. Of course, it is no more than a fake safety. You also know that circle is a vicious one, see what price it comes with. You won't live this your whole life, will you ?
Big moves brake the circle, that is why I suggested to hit high, and see how you handle that. No secrets, as long as you complain in that zone, nothing will change.
Though I think you are yourself in the good position, you are on that famous rope, and the choices you will make will determine your success, consider the last attempt as a way to prove yourself you can make decisions, for that second one, use the previous feelings and thoughts to make it more successfull.
Do you fear changes in Life ? : like moving, taking a new course, updating your bedroom, etc...0 -
and again you won't. You would need to eat around 4500 calories everyday during a month of two for gaining several lbs.
but you already know that :-)
I related the move-on move-back driven by fear, you just need that little extra-push that will make you hold strong to it.
In order to prevent the cycle, you need to face your fear to gaining weight, that is somehow a comforting place, I used to see the weight I was in as a reassuring one, as if being in that range will make feel better, but we all know that zones keeps coming down, and it' is more and more harder to sustain it. Moreover, what does that zone brings : nothing but the feeling to feel safe. Of course, it is no more than a fake safety. You also know that circle is a vicious one, see what price it comes with. You won't live this your whole life, will you ?
Big moves brake the circle, that is why I suggested to hit high, and see how you handle that. No secrets, as long as you complain in that zone, nothing will change.
Though I think you are yourself in the good position, you are on that famous rope, and the choices you will make will determine your success, consider the last attempt as a way to prove yourself you can make decisions, for that second one, use the previous feelings and thoughts to make it more successfull.
Do you fear changes in Life ? : like moving, taking a new course, updating your bedroom, etc...
I know scientifically it won't make me gain fat but I feel and look fatter when I increase my calories, my eyes can't lie to me.
Oh I see. All the others times that I fell backwards again, I was still weighing myself. Now I stopped weighing myself for a while so hopefully that'll help me. It was very hard at first because I was weighing many many times a day but now I feel a little better about not weighing myself. It's still scary though.
Yeah every time I think about weight, I want it to go lower and lower and lower. It's neverending. But no, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I want a content life where I can enjoy other things instead of being obsessed with weight.
Oh okay, I understand why you want me to increase my calories faster. Well I don't think I can do it super fast but I'll try and do it faster than I used to. Before I didn't really try to increase it though.
Hmm thanks, that's very true. I'll use my past mistakes and learn from them. I need to prove to myself that I can do this.
I don't know if I really fear change but I do feel that life is going by too fast and I feel lost and hopeless because I'm not catching up with time. My future is being depended on but I'm still all the way down here worrying about calories and my body. Yes I'm scared of starting a new life, I'm in the last year of high school so after I leave, I'm out into the unknown.0 -
I realised I haven't posted on here for agessss... just wanted to update my progress and hope that everyone else is doing well!!
I did seek help, I went to my school counsellor who then referred me to a specialist at an adolescent unit. She is very experienced with people like me apparently but I didn't like her very much and I binged the day before going due to stress but then purged and overexercised because I got scared she'll think I'm soo fat. It was hard so I stopped going but I think I'm going to go back again this week, I just hope it goes better this time! I also took a month break from here and it helped tremendously with focusing on other important things in life. I feel like MFP can definitely be an unsafe environment sometimes for people who get triggered from other people's statuses or diaries xx0
