Which truth would you tell him?

JanieJack

In another thread, I mentioned a guy who was sweet but lost me when he insisted on only a thin or fit woman yet he himself has given up on losing weight and improving his health. I told him I was going out of town for the weekend, but we'd talk when I got back.

My thought was to treat him to Starbucks and tell him I just can't get past that attitude (especially combined with his constantly talking about how he likes to do all this "active" stuff but when I ask "when was the last time you did XYZ?" it's always a couple years ago.

Well, this weekend in Dallas I ran into not one, but TWO, old acquaintances who acted interested in me and my friend thought it would be easier if I just told Starbucks guy that I ran into an old friend and would like to pursue that relationship. I think she’s right, but OTOH, I’m the kind of person who likes to “help” people, so I’m really tempted to tell him the original concern.

What do you think?

dbrightwell1270

How would you like to hear from someone you were interested in not only that they weren't interested in you but exactly which flaws made you unattractive to them?

Alternatively, How would you like to hear from someone you weren't interested in not only that they weren't interested in you but exactly which flaws made you unattractive to them?

SummerSkier

I agree with your friend. I always think kindness and tact win out.

will010574

I dont think you owe him a reason other than thanks for playing, Im just not interested. If he persists I would let him know the more you learn about him the less it seems you have in common and you are bowing out now so neither of you wastes time.

My two cents.

DavetheHYNIC

Why don't you just tell him the truth , straight no chaser? People under the guise of compassion or helping someone try to sugarcoat things cause they don't want to be mean or deal with fallout( whether they hurt the person feelings or the person thinks they are a jerk) from the conversation. Just tell em, I'm sure he's a big boy and like most men he'll resent you regardless.

ItsCasey

I wouldn't meet the guy for coffee in the spirt of "helping" him because he probably won't see it that way at all. If you're not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with him, I would not see him again in person.

I can only try to put myself in his shoes and imagine how I would feel if a guy said "Hey, let's get together for coffee," and then dropped a bomb that there was something about me he didn't like and that he didn't want to see me again. I think I would be hurt by it.

La_Amazona

I wouldn't meet with guy either.

If I'm not interested, the last time I saw them was that last time, no need to cause any confusion in the sake of being nice.

It was a 1st date... like it's said here, usually those are one and done's.

Now forget about him and move on to the next!

JanieJack

How would you like to hear from someone you were interested in not only that they weren't interested in you but exactly which flaws made you unattractive to them?

Alternatively, How would you like to hear from someone you weren't interested in not only that they weren't interested in you but exactly which flaws made you unattractive to them?

Actually, I have had friends that went out with me after I became single do just that. And I appreciate it. Doesn’t mean I changed who I am, but some things I had to re-evaluate. For example:

I examined whether the super-feminist mindset was really getting me what I wanted out of life. It wasn’t, and I appreciate the friend who told me that being “rambo in a skirt” was always going to run off the kind of guy I actually liked.

Some things I didn’t change… for example, I’m very cautious in some areas, and I know if I did things like go home with strangers from the mall or make out on the first date, I would have a much more exciting dating life. But that’s not who I am, and I accept the consequences of not being more wild in today’s wild dating scheme.

And then there’s the friend who told me he wouldn’t date me because I was divorced and he felt it was contrary to the Word of God. I’m glad he told me that, because it dried up all attraction I had for him, since his theology is wrong.

I usually don't have a problem telling a guy “I'm not interested.” But since he’s a nice guy and someone I could see joining my singles group, I thought I’d be helping him with an explanation.

It’s interesting for me to see everyone’s opinions on this, and I appreciate your responses.

JanieJack

If I'm not interested, the last time I saw them was that last time, no need to cause any confusion in the sake of being nice.

I'm with you, but when I told him I was going away for the weekend and would talk with him when I get back he started blowing up my phone with text messages, which continued all weekend, about how does this mean I don’t like him, what’s wrong, I can’t go all weekend without knowing what’s up. Ugh. I think he won't go away without an explanation. I’ve never known a guy to do that before.

oddyogi

I would tell him you don't think it's gonna work out because there are a couple of things that make you incompatible. If he asks why, then I would be honest.

Some people don't wanna know their flaws, but if he is a genuinely nice guy and is actually concerned with improving himself, he'll ask you what the things are.

will010574

I still vote send him a text that says hey thanks but we are not a good fit. If he persists....rip the bandaid off fast and then cut ties. I dont suggest being mean for the sake of being mean, but if he is going to get text crazy and insist on some answer tell him what you told us. He is lazy, you are active and your lifestyles dont mesh.

Of course I am blunt and prefer straight forward and honest. I am also smart enough (usually) to understand when a woman isnt interested and just let it go.

La_Amazona

If I'm not interested, the last time I saw them was that last time, no need to cause any confusion in the sake of being nice.

I'm with you, but when I told him I was going away for the weekend and would talk with him when I get back he started blowing up my phone with text messages, which continued all weekend, about how does this mean I don’t like him, what’s wrong, I can’t go all weekend without knowing what’s up. Ugh. I think he won't go away without an explanation. I’ve never known a guy to do that before.

See, he probably likes you.. then you said you'd keep in touch after the weekend which gave him hope and feeling it was mutual hence the messages. Now he's figured out you're NOT interested and wants to know why since he thought you were.

La_Amazona

Some things I didn’t change… for example, I’m very cautious in some areas, and I know if I did things like go home with strangers from the mall or make out on the first date, I would have a much more exciting dating life. But that’s not who I am, and I accept the consequences of not being more wild in today’s wild dating scheme.

Hey! I resent that!!! I didn't even KISS on a 1st date until Smiley. The stars were right and when gave me that smile and he touched my face, moved my hair to the side and dove in, I couldn't resist. Plus he was soo dang giddy. It was perfect.

So Smiley is my exception. :bigsmile:

MissingMinnesota

I still vote send him a text that says hey thanks but we are not a good fit. If he persists....rip the bandaid off fast and then cut ties. I dont suggest being mean for the sake of being mean, but if he is going to get text crazy and insist on some answer tell him what you told us. He is lazy, you are active and your lifestyles dont mesh.

Of course I am blunt and prefer straight forward and honest. I am also smart enough (usually) to understand when a woman isnt interested and just let it go.

This! some guys over think things just like girls do. Be straight to the point and let it go.

mickeygirliegirl

Wow he sounds really insecure if he's blowing up your phone like that when you were simply going away for the weekend.

Had he not done that, I would have said tell him it was nice to meet him, but you were interested in someone else.

Now, well, you can explain yourself. I think you have every right to tell him what turned you off/bothered you. Especially since he's being persistant.

I had a fellow coworker who I was not interested in romantically, but who I thought was a good friend try to pursue something further with me. I flat out told him that while I thought he was a great friend, I just wasn't interested in him romantically. He appreciated the honesty and to this day we remain friends.

How many times do we complain about the disappearing act or the lack of honesty? I always make the attempt. It may not be what the person wants to hear, but in the end, it saves a lot of grief for both parties and allows the other person to move on.

ItsCasey

Actually, I have had friends that went out with me after I became single do just that. And I appreciate it. Doesn’t mean I changed who I am, but some things I had to re-evaluate.

I see where you're coming from, and I've had male friends do this for me, as well. But they were friends, not guys I had dated. If you think you could be friends with this guy and socialize with him in a group setting, then it may be worth a shot. I just think it won't be as well received on his end, coming from someone with whom he was trying to have a less platonic relationship.

toots99

I still vote send him a text that says hey thanks but we are not a good fit. If he persists....rip the bandaid off fast and then cut ties. I dont suggest being mean for the sake of being mean, but if he is going to get text crazy and insist on some answer tell him what you told us. He is lazy, you are active and your lifestyles dont mesh.

Of course I am blunt and prefer straight forward and honest. I am also smart enough (usually) to understand when a woman isnt interested and just let it go.

I vote for this too.

christine24t

I almost want to say that you should tell him what went wrong. Don't insult his body, but just say "it is kind of odd to me that you want someone who is physically active but you're not active yourself. it's a bit hypocritical." As much as it would be painful to here it, maybe he could work on that and that way he could actually pursue a relationship with someone else. You could say "I'm just telling you this so you can work it on, if it's something that you see that occurs frequently in your relationships."

If I had a flaw like that that prevented me from getting past the first few dates I would like to know it, even if it hurts.

You seem like a nice person and you would be really gentle about it. Other people I might tell not to do it, but I think you could.

But I'm in the minority.

JanieJack

Hm, maybe he's lurking on this thread???

He hasn't contacted me ONCE today. Contrast that to the constant texting over the weekend. Gee, if I had realized he was gonna disappear, I wouldn't even have asked the question, lol.

Roadie2000

Well, it's possible that he wants someone more motivated than himself because he wants to be more active, just not by himself.

Sometimes people look for qualities in other people that they themselves are lacking. That's why people say "You complete me" of call them their "better half". I know I'm not always very outgoing, so I'm looking for someone more outgoing than myself. I don't think it makes me a hypocrite, I've tried dating people with my energy level and it doesn't work because we don't challenge each other.

But he may just like dating fit people for aesthetic reasons, and in that case he's probably a hypocrite.

mrmanmeat

Quit trying to help someone unless they ask. Just move on.

catherine4211

I am very aware of all my flaws. I don't need anyone to point them out. But I've lived and learned. Is he young?? Maybe he honestly doesn't know what his flaws are.

AnnaPixie

I dont think you owe him an explanation. Neither are you qualified to point out his flaws after one date. I would seriously get the hump if some guy decided to give me a list of things I should improve upon after knowing me for 2 hours. Especially if he took me for a coffee to do so!!

Nah! I would tell him I met someone else and forget him immediately . :flowerforyou:

BondBomb

If he says 'why do i keep getting dumped' - offer him the details.
But otherwise just keep it moving.

AllanMisner

Do still want to be friends with this guy afterward? If so, then yes, have the conversation. If not, then call him and tell him you've re-evaluated things and feel you aren't a fit.

JThomas61

I would say move on to the one that is interested in you. Don't worry about the other guy, you can't help or fix him, he has to do that for himself!

JanieJack

Well, I thought he had disappeared, but this morning before I even left the house, I had not one but 4 text messges from him. I replied that I didn't think it was going to work out but thanks for being so sweet. By time I got to work there were messageas about he still wanted to be my friend and was still willing to give me golf lessons. That's nice (I really need to learn golf, and he's really good!!) but I think it would be hurting him in the long run to spend "friendship" time with him.

Thanks for your inputs gang.

poncho33

Tell him you want to pursue the other guy and use your concern for the reason he didn't do it for you

oddyogi

Well, I thought he had disappeared, but this morning before I even left the house, I had not one but 4 text messges from him. I replied that I didn't think it was going to work out but thanks for being so sweet. By time I got to work there were messageas about he still wanted to be my friend and was still willing to give me golf lessons. That's nice (I really need to learn golf, and he's really good!!) but I think it would be hurting him in the long run to spend "friendship" time with him.

Thanks for your inputs gang.

Yeah.. there are plenty of other golfers out there! You'll find another.

That's one of the things I like about SL. He's been golfing for years so hopefully if this thing works out he'll be able to help me improve my game.

JanieJack

Tell him you want to pursue the other guy and use your concern for the reason he didn't do it for you

Don't get it... it's late, Im dense, please try again, lol!

PS I haven't responded to the golf text or the one before it about us being friends

Katefab26

PS I haven't responded to the golf text or the one before it about us being friends

I wouldn't, unless you really want to be stuck spending more time with him. You've already told him you're not interested, but if you keep talking to him he's going to keep thinking there is a chance.