Dating

polo571

I'm trying the online dating thing. When does everyone tell people about there weight loss? I get alot of flack from women when they find out that I'm 40, single, never married and no kids. They assume I'm a player or just not worth dating. This kinda blows me away and seems bitter. I dont want to sink to there level. I was thinking about telling people about my weight loss but I also think that I am the person I am now and dont feel the need to say anything. Anyone else deal with this? Any advice? I use to think most Mn women were very nice and now I'm just not feeling that. I think maybe they have alot of aholes coming at them and they are on high alert. So what do you think?

La_Amazona

As a woman who's having a hard time with a super nice guy I can say, some of us women are jacked up.

That's all...


Now about the weight loss, I didn't bring up my weight loss. For what? I did however, list on my profile that I'm active and how I had completed P90x (because it was an accomplishment for my procrastinating butt). Once I got to know the guy, I might bring it up if the topic came up or something.
But like you, I no longer feel like the person that needed and lost almost 60lbs. I'm this now.

DMZ_1

Dating is complicated at pretty much any age, but the older you get, the more complications there are.

Showcase what is best about you.

disneywm76

As a woman who's having a hard time with a super nice guy I can say, some of us women are jacked up.

That's all...

Totally this!!! I can honestly tell you that I'm jacked up and don't know what to do when a nice guy is into me. :sad:

As far as your question goes, I don't think I'd say anything right off the bat. That's who you WERE, not who you ARE. If a woman is interested and asks why you're 40, single, never married, no kids....then tell her. But I wouldn't just put it out there. If a woman is not interested in who you are now, she's not going to care about what got you here. Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe it helps?

polo571

As a woman who's having a hard time with a super nice guy I can say, some of us women are jacked up.

That's all...

Totally this!!! I can honestly tell you that I'm jacked up and don't know what to do when a nice guy is into me. :sad:

As far as your question goes, I don't think I'd say anything right off the bat. That's who you WERE, not who you ARE. If a woman is interested and asks why you're 40, single, never married, no kids....then tell her. But I wouldn't just put it out there. If a woman is not interested in who you are now, she's not going to care about what got you here. Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe it helps?

polo571

Good advice

As a woman who's having a hard time with a super nice guy I can say, some of us women are jacked up.

That's all...

Totally this!!! I can honestly tell you that I'm jacked up and don't know what to do when a nice guy is into me. :sad:

As far as your question goes, I don't think I'd say anything right off the bat. That's who you WERE, not who you ARE. If a woman is interested and asks why you're 40, single, never married, no kids....then tell her. But I wouldn't just put it out there. If a woman is not interested in who you are now, she's not going to care about what got you here. Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe it helps?

Maggie_Pie1

I get alot of flack from women when they find out that I'm 40, single, never married and no kids.

If they give you flack for that, give them flack right back - "Why are you 40, single, married and with kids? What was wrong with you?"

I've only just started eharmony this last month, and I haven't been asked 'why' I'm still single. I didn't put it out there that I've lost a lot of weight, and I probably won't. LIke others have said, that's who I was, not who I am. I figure whoever I'm dating is going to have their own baggage, and if they want to judge mine, then I don't want to deal with them.

JanieJack

Wow... I've never considered how this plays out from the guy's perspective. If you were a woman, I'd advise don't tell, but since you're a guy looking at it from the "here's why I didn't get married" angle I can see why you'd want to tell them. I would want to know why a guy didn't marry as late as 40, but I wouldn't see weight issues would be any different from, say, being a guy who was so incredibly picky that only age has softened his requirements.

I couldn't find the topic from last month that dealt with this, but it seems folks were 50/50. Some people felt like the woman who asked "should I tell" shouldn't tell a guy she lost weight until they got closer since that might prejudice him against her (shallow, but true). Some people also thought it was good to be upfront about it, or somehow work it casually into the profile, since that eliminated the stress of when to tell and also might weed out the more shallow people.

Bikini27

While I agree that you are who you are now and not all those pounds ago, when the question comes up about your lack of marriage/kids, be honest. This allows them to remove one of the walls keeping you from getting closer.

Being an online dater myself, I do wonder about someone over 40 who has not been married simply because I want to know what held him back. If it was weight, I can relate! If it was because they had serious relationships that never got to the marriage stage, then ok. Divorce sucks, so I get not wanting to push marriage.

It's an honest question. But, if they call you a player straight out...I would take it as a compliment cause it means you're a total hottie . And then I would explain.

Good luck!

Roadie2000

I don't think it needs to be broadcast on your dating profile. Advertise who you are now and not who you used to be. When I was a teenager I was a bit of a *kitten*, but I don't feel the need to advertise that I'm not now.

Plus, some people may judge you for allowing yourself to get overweight in the first place, or assume you can put it back on too easily. Save that conversation for someone that's gotten to know you a little.

BUT...it might be fun to try out if you're going through a dry spell or just want to try something different. It would probably make a good conversation starter, because I bet a bunch of ladies would want to know what your secrets are.

oddyogi

What I did on my profile was say something similar to:

I'm very into fitness. I used to be out of shape and frankly a little chubby, but I've worked hard to get where I am and I don't plan on going back.

So like.. sneak it in there when talking about how you love fitness. If they're curious, they'll ask more questions, and maybe even ask you for advice.

ItsCasey

I'm trying the online dating thing. When does everyone tell people about there weight loss? I get alot of flack from women when they find out that I'm 40, single, never married and no kids. They assume I'm a player or just not worth dating. This kinda blows me away and seems bitter. I dont want to sink to there level. I was thinking about telling people about my weight loss but I also think that I am the person I am now and dont feel the need to say anything. Anyone else deal with this? Any advice? I use to think most Mn women were very nice and now I'm just not feeling that. I think maybe they have alot of aholes coming at them and they are on high alert. So what do you think?

I'm not yet 30, and I get flack from men about being single and never married, so you are not alone. But honestly, people who hold opinions like that without getting to know a person are probably not that special. And I think a lot of people (certainly not all) who are divorced may be projecting their own insecurities about what their marital status says about them. Maybe they prefer to date other divorced people because they feel there is less pressure of the "So what did you do wrong?" variety.

As for the weight loss, well, I guess you can't keep it a secret forever because there are likely pictures of you from your overweight days floating around somewhere, and if things reach a certain level of seriousness with the person you're dating, it's reasonable to believe she is going to see them. But by that point, your relationship should have reached a point where it doesn't matter. Remember, a man is whatever room he is in (yes, I watch Mad Men).

JThomas61

I would just tell them you are into the fitness lifestyle and leave it at that. As far as their misperception of men over 40 never married, no kids I wouldn't worry, it is their hang up not yours. You will find a great woman when you aren't even looking for it. Good luck my friend!

skinnywithin

I dont know..I just believe in honesty..there is NO shame in saying that you werent dating and took time to get fit and healthy and here you are !

AnnaPixie

No-one's business at the profile stage. Not even first date stage. Just one of those topics about your past you can cover when you 're good and ready.

I really despair when people judge anyone of a certain age for not being married or having kids. I'm the same. So what!!!! Doesnt make me a bad person, or a player or a tramp or anything else that some idiot reads into it!!! Grrrrrrr!!! And to be quite frank, if he is that fickle, then that would be the reason I never married someone like HIM!! :laugh:

kevinlynch3

Kind of with everyone else on this..depends on the kind of flack you are getting..is it the kidding/messing kind like I can't believe you aren't already taken bla, bla, bla or is it the "There must be something wrong with you" more in your face potentially offensive kind. And is it after you have met or in the course of getting to the first date?

If it's the first..then easily dealt with and be honest but not too honest. Simple..haven't met the right girl yet and weight loss doesn't even come into it. To be honest, if it was me, I don't think I would tell someone that I used to be overweight and that's the reason I am single and unmarried. But that's me.

If it's the second...move on. She's not worth your time unless you're just in it for some fun and if you are then, it really doesn't matter what reason you give her.

Online dating sucks IMO and is purely a numbers game but there aren't many other options

pa_jorg

I think how the person you are dating poses the question about you having never been married says more about them than it does about you. If you are into her, it will probably seem like curiousity. If you're not feeling her, then it will probably sound rude to you. Same goes for when you talk about weight - it will be easier with someone genuine.

flimflamfloz

I tell people I used to wet my pants when I was a kid.

Where is the limit? What should you tell or not tell?

MaraDiaz

Of the many questions I would have for an internet romance possibility before I would want to meet him, have you ever been fat doesn't even make the list. I couldn't care less.

Toddrific

I'm sure women think I'm a player at my age too. Then they meet me and they are like...Oh I get it now.
=P

xtinalovexo

I'm always on high alert with men....I just don't trust. I'm afraid to open up and I don't like being vulnerable. Dating sucks! I'm too crazy to date.

meshashesha2012

the only way i would automatically assume a guy is a player is based on what he says in his profile, not because of his marital status.

i'm sure there's a segment of the population who makes assumptions about people who are 40 and over and never married, but most people i've met havent automatically assumed that there was a red flag in that.

and if you dont want to be seen as potentially beign a player, then dont do playery type stuff on your first date :laugh:

calvert6183

If they dont give you respect then leave. Its all about respect. It seems alot of women want to know everything and think they can know everything about a person on a first date. They think they can speed date 60 guys and then pick one. Thats not how you can find the right person. Girls, stop rushing things and when you find a cool guy who you have chemistry and attraction, just go with it and dont over think. You never ever truely quit learning about someone and you need to find a god woman who respects you and will take the time to get to know you and in time she will know about that.

ABout you never being married, no kids, and 40. Im there with ya on that one. You are right, some women do judge but they shouldnt. WHy is it better to be a 40 year old, single, with kids and divorced. Logically, it doesnt makes sense. I know many men and women who are single at that age and never married, Its called either being independent, career driving, or just having found a good match who deserves you forever.

Remember, find one who shows respect, you dont ever owe any woman anything until you commit or make a promise. Tell her when you are comfortable and if she cant show you respect now, she wont ever show you any anythime. If she cares, she will be patient and not judge.