Will I survive this?

mleoni092708

I've been dealing with this whole bipolar 2 rapid cycling and anxiety crap for almost 4 years. I tried more meds than I can count, therapy, healthy eating, exercise, going to the hospital, all of it. Nothing is working. I'm tired. I have just about lost all hope that I will ever get better, even a little bit better. I keep having mixed episodes and all the while I fight. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of having to plaster on a smile when around family/friends/at work. I've begun to wonder how many more of these episodes I can take before it kills me. I'm so irritable, depressed, and I hate myself. I'm a horrible mother to my baby and she's getting to the age where she's beginning to notice. I can't live with that, but I can't live with the thought of letting her grow up without a mother, even a crappy one. My poor husband is as sweet and supportive as anyone could be, and I feel like I'm ruining his life, well, everyone's life in my family who needs me. I can feel my "old" self in there somewhere, screaming to get out but I'm trapped in this horrible hell that greets me every morning. I get dressed like everyone else, smile and nod at the grocery store when I'm spoken to, but inside I just want to scream, and run, to i have no idea where. The pain is so terrible, I beg the powers that be to just let me fall asleep as much as I can. And yet when I need sleep the most is when I lay in bed with insomnia and my awful brain that I can't turn off. I feel as though no one can help me and I'm all alone. Have you, or do you know anyone who has recovered from this-even a little?

hailie08

I have a panic disorder and a lot of days feel this same way. Everyone always tell me you just have to decide to not let it affect you anymore, but the don't realize it's not something you choose. The only thing I've found that's worked for me is to just keep pasting that smile on your face and pretending to be happy. Some days I realize that for a few minutes I wasn't pretending, I was actually happy for a few minutes. Send me a message if you want to talk:)

Lolli1986

I've never dealt with anything quite as diverse and rapidly shifting as what you experience, but i have some fairly major anxiety/panic/obsessive-compulsive episodes. i get to the point where i get 'stuck' in my room....sometimes for weeks, and i panic in the grocery store and can only eat a variety of about 3 things. gets a bit wild *smiles* in every other sense i'm generally considered extremely intellectual, rational, and logical, so my brain just about explodes with 'WTF' when this happens (which makes it worse because i try to analyse it over and over again from a different angle).

i don't know what advice to offer, but i thought i might say that i think you are doing really well. a random idea... might be worthwhile calling into a completely different psychologist for a one off and rant about how nothing is working. i've seen a couple of different psychologists for various things over the years, and one thing i've learned is that some just do not work for me. i had another friend with major, major trauma on top of bipolar and she was doing fine until her good psychologist had to leave... i think she might agree that it matters who you go to, and what techniques they use.

personally, i can't handle 'blah blah' talk about your feelings carp. i want and need a skill set to cope with these completely overwhelming thoughts. i need TACTICS to first stop the the feeling from getting so intense, secondly to stop the thoughts from overwhelming me, and thirdly to be able to analyse the thought from a rational perspective.

that may not help you, but drugs to calm the intensity of the feeling plus skills to identify and rationalise the thoughts has been vital to my recovery. i trialled a few psychologists before finding one that used a method i could relate to, and i trialled a few doctors before finding one i would trust to give me drugs.