Time to do something about this.

castadiva

I heard this morning that the man who has held my heart for the last three years has become engaged to his girlfriend. When we first met, they had recently broken up. I, in my usual fashion, missed a very clear signal of interest, and by the time we met again, the GF was back in the picture. I've regretted the missed opportunity since, but have managed to forge a close friendship with him, and a friendly acquaintance with her. However, my feelings for him have been holding me back from doing anything proactive about not being single in the long run. Hope is a great deceiver, but is no longer relevant, in this case.

To be clear, I have zero romantic history - not a skerrick. And yes, at almost 30, I realise this makes me something of a freak. There are numerous reasons, some better than others, but I cannot let this continue. I have to do something about it, or I will still be pining for what might have been when I'm 70. I've always been very skeptical about internet dating - one previous attempt at registering led to a series of totally inappropriate (location/age group/interests) 'matches'. UK folks, have you any recommendations for sites here that actually work? And how do I handle the issue of complete inexperience in this sphere? I don't mean the practical stuff - meeting in public etc - but eventually, if I do meet up with someone, it's going to come up... what then?

Steelheart7

Aw. Yikes. Sorry to hear that. My initial thought tho was if they broke up and then got back together, you probably would have wound up heart broken anyway. So, I wouldn't dwell on that "missed opportunity" .. perhaps re-label it to .. "whew .. that was a close one".

Hope is the WORST deceiver of all. While it works in your favor sometimes, the other times it keeps stagnant.

You are NOT a freak. While I don't quite know what a "skerrick" is .. lol .. there is always a reason why things happen the way they do. The only reason you are pining for for him is because you have nothing else to focus on.

I can't help with the dating sites, but the people on here have had some GREAT luck with dating sites!!! Good luck to you! You are not a freak. Your situation is your own. Don't worry about it.... it is what it is. Your person is out there and will LOVE the fact that you were saved just for them.

AllanMisner

Sorry for your loss and hope you are able to turn this into something special in your life.

The most important advice I can give you about Internet dating (or dating in general) is just go out and have fun. When you're having fun, you'll smile more and feel more at ease. Good things happen when you do that.

flimflamfloz

POF: cheap (free). Many people in there, half of who are here for sex, the other half being here for relationships.

Meetup: register for a few interests you like. I for example go to tons of gigs with really nice people so this create plenty of opportunities.

"And how do I handle the issue of complete inexperience in this sphere?"
You screw up and you go back to the drawing board 3-4 times, until you learn from your mistakes.
What you can do is minimise the impact of your mistakes though.

"but eventually, if I do meet up with someone, it's going to come up... what then?"
What then what? I guess if things flow, you'll be having a great time, swap numbers, etc. then meet each other 2-3 times a week.
Just go there, and talk.

We might be meeting with Anna for a pint tonight so you might want to join (if you're really based in Lon).

pa_jorg

Aw. Yikes. Sorry to hear that. My initial thought tho was if they broke up and then got back together, you probably would have wound up heart broken anyway. So, I wouldn't dwell on that "missed opportunity" .. perhaps re-label it to .. "whew .. that was a close one".

Yes, this! Most things happen for a reason. You just need to see why you felt so much hope for him and determine if you learned a lesson from this experience.

I don't know the best UK dating sites, but once you decide on one then jump in just like going into the deep end of a pool. All or nothing. The first week or so might feel overwhelming because some people flock to the newbies and inundate them with emails. But if you just hang in there it will be a more manageable pace. Just go with it and have fun. When you tell someone why you've been single so long, they will either understand or they won't. Don't waste time on anyone who doesn't care enough to listen.

castadiva

Thanks for your encouraging and cheering replies. Today has been a difficult one, and I appreciate the support.

While I don't quite know what a "skerrick" is .. lol .. there is always a reason why things happen the way they do. The only reason you are pining for for him is because you have nothing else to focus on.

Sorry about that! A 'skerrick' is a very small amount/a morsel/a crumb - one of those colloquialisms that just don't translate out of their natural context... :laugh:

You're right, I think, about the pining. I've met other appealing men since I met him, but no-one who's kept my attention/interest for more than a few minutes/hours - the chemistry just hasn't been there, whereas with him, the spark was effortless and instantaneous, and has remained so. Nine-hour drinks that turn into dinners, that lead to another three days of emails because we haven't finished the conversation... It's a lot to try to replace. That said, if I had met someone else who even partially matched up, I probably wouldn't be pining quite so much. I'm trying really hard to trust in things happening for a reason - might take a few days though.

"And how do I handle the issue of complete inexperience in this sphere?"
You screw up and you go back to the drawing board 3-4 times, until you learn from your mistakes.
What you can do is minimise the impact of your mistakes though.

How do you mean? Would love to minimise the impact of mistakes, but not sure I understand what you suggest?

"but eventually, if I do meet up with someone, it's going to come up... what then?"
What then what? I guess if things flow, you'll be having a great time, swap numbers, etc. then meet each other 2-3 times a week.

I meant that eventually, the question of exes/past relationships etc is going to come up, and my impression is that there are certain expectations of an apparently-mature adult in this regard. Things like kissing, as well... lots of people mention wanting "a good kisser" (or presumably, at least someone who knows what they're doing!). I can fake a kiss from any angle you like (stage directors choose some doozies), but have no actual experience to build on for the 'real deal' - I missed all of the usual learning how to flirt/kiss/interact with the opposite gender in a manner other than friendship stuff entirely (If anyone reading this is thinking about accelerating a child through school, think HARD about the social implications, not just the academics...).

Presumably, at some point it will be an issue, and I get the impression that, for a fair few guys, inexperience is a real problem, for some, even a deal-breaker. Any suggestions about how I should handle that to 'minimise the impact'? I'm assuming it's not going to be an immediate problem, but it IS going to to arise at some point (I hope!).

MissingMinnesota

I just wanted you to know that you are totally not alone in what you are going through. I am a 35 year old virgin and go through the same thoughts. I have kissed guys but never gone further. I think that is why I tend to have short lived long distance relationships. It is easier to keep them at arms length that way. I didn't date between college and until last year (12 years) because I gained all my weight and lost all self confedence. In college I had a 2 year long LD relationship with a guy that was cheating on me the whole time. I was very nieve and still am in some ways. I tend to think in some ways I am an 18 year old in a 35 year old body and that is why I come across young to some people.

I have tried online dating and I just can't really get past the messaging step.

I am liking meetup.com as it doesn't shout that I am looking for someone but putting me in contact with people with similar interests.

I know this is of no real help to you but wanted you to know you aren't alone.

flimflamfloz

"And how do I handle the issue of complete inexperience in this sphere?"
You screw up and you go back to the drawing board 3-4 times, until you learn from your mistakes.
What you can do is minimise the impact of your mistakes though.

How do you mean? Would love to minimise the impact of mistakes, but not sure I understand what you suggest?

Well, here are a few suggestions:
- You date a few random people you know you have moderate attraction for (so that you don't get laid on the first night by a pure women player, not that I think it would be a bad thing fundamentally, but a bit overwhelming I think and you would probably end up very confused sentimentally if the guy knows his game).
- You limit the number of dates to 2 MAX regardless of how much you like the guy for your 5 first guys, and then you've got a canned answer like: I didn't feel the connection you send everytime. You don't kiss for these first dates.

"but eventually, if I do meet up with someone, it's going to come up... what then?"
What then what? I guess if things flow, you'll be having a great time, swap numbers, etc. then meet each other 2-3 times a week.

I meant that eventually, the question of exes/past relationships etc is going to come up, and my impression is that there are certain expectations of an apparently-mature adult in this regard. Things like kissing, as well... lots of people mention wanting "a good kisser" (or presumably, at least someone who knows what they're doing!). I can fake a kiss from any angle you like (stage directors choose some doozies), but have no actual experience to build on for the 'real deal' - I missed all of the usual learning how to flirt/kiss/interact with the opposite gender in a manner other than friendship stuff entirely (If anyone reading this is thinking about accelerating a child through school, think HARD about the social implications, not just the academics...).

Presumably, at some point it will be an issue, and I get the impression that, for a fair few guys, inexperience is a real problem, for some, even a deal-breaker. Any suggestions about how I should handle that to 'minimise the impact'? I'm assuming it's not going to be an immediate problem, but it IS going to to arise at some point (I hope!).

Yeah, it might be a problem - a deal breaker I'm not sure.
It's true that you are a bit late on the kissing/sleeping with a guy thing, but it's like driving: it's a big deal before, then you realise it's not that difficult when you have done it once.

Kissing - I think - comes naturally, not so much perhaps sex...
About the good kisser thing, somehow I think it's more a problem for men, since we are kind of taking control when kissing/having sex. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I can do a personal training if you want and if we see each other in person French kiss included :laugh:

When I was new to this whole dating/kissing business and asked about my experience, I would always say I've dated but nothing too serious ever happened (I didn't want to look like a newbie, but I didn't want to lie too much to the girl :bigsmile: ). Well, you won't be able to say that for the sex thing. :laugh:


I see two ways to do this:

- Either dive in with someone with lots of experience and learn a lot in a short amount of time (1 month). However, the difference in experience gap is going to give a serious "relationship advantage" to the other person (since he will be able to manipulate you more, IF he desires so - which is not necessarily the case).
Still this is my preferred solution, since you can learn quickly but you need to almost limit yourself in time and dump the guy at some point to try other things after him, with your newly found confidence and experience.

- either take your time with someone not too experienced like you (they are guys out there who are like this), but it's going to take ages (count minimum 6 months/years perhaps, plus the risk that you can get attached to him and all). In this case, the risk of manipulation is low, but the chance of finding the right person is low too - and remember that this solution is going to take some time to happen. It should be a more pleasant ride, but the first bf/gf thing never works too much, because none of the two partners know what they want in terms of relationships.
I don't prefer this solution given your age, the fact that you have a lot to catch up with, since it is a bit of a drag, but the ride should be more pleasurable.

Why is solution 1 better: in 6 months you'll have tried a lot of things, you'll know what you want more, have some experience under your belt, and you'll have a good dating pool for trying to find someone really good for you.
Solution 2 might take a while, break your heart, be complicated and in 6 months you might still be with the same dude with little or no progress.

christine24t

I meant that eventually, the question of exes/past relationships etc is going to come up, and my impression is that there are certain expectations of an apparently-mature adult in this regard. Things like kissing, as well... lots of people mention wanting "a good kisser" (or presumably, at least someone who knows what they're doing!). I can fake a kiss from any angle you like (stage directors choose some doozies), but have no actual experience to build on for the 'real deal' - I missed all of the usual learning how to flirt/kiss/interact with the opposite gender in a manner other than friendship stuff entirely (If anyone reading this is thinking about accelerating a child through school, think HARD about the social implications, not just the academics...).

I am exactly the same way. I'm at the age where the majority of people have at least have some experience, and I have none, except for three dates with a guy that went nowhere. I feel exactly the same way in which you say you "missed all the usual" and I agree. When normal people started to date, I was a socially awkward middle schooler. When most people were starting to get kissed, it just never happened with me. Now that I'm older and inexperienced, I have a lot of anxiety about it. I've built dating/kissing/sex up to this huge thing in my mind when it really shouldn't be.
I have no advice other than to get yourself out there, which is what I am doing. I am open to more possibilities. I just want experience so I don't feel so self-conscious about it. I am the only friend in my group of eight best girlfriends that has never been kissed, and when they're all talking about relationships, etc. I'm like a baby!

AnnaPixie

I heard this morning that the man who has held my heart for the last three years has become engaged to his girlfriend. When we first met, they had recently broken up. I, in my usual fashion, missed a very clear signal of interest, and by the time we met again, the GF was back in the picture. I've regretted the missed opportunity since, but have managed to forge a close friendship with him, and a friendly acquaintance with her. However, my feelings for him have been holding me back from doing anything proactive about not being single in the long run. Hope is a great deceiver, but is no longer relevant, in this case.

To be clear, I have zero romantic history - not a skerrick. And yes, at almost 30, I realise this makes me something of a freak. There are numerous reasons, some better than others, but I cannot let this continue. I have to do something about it, or I will still be pining for what might have been when I'm 70. I've always been very skeptical about internet dating - one previous attempt at registering led to a series of totally inappropriate (location/age group/interests) 'matches'. UK folks, have you any recommendations for sites here that actually work? And how do I handle the issue of complete inexperience in this sphere? I don't mean the practical stuff - meeting in public etc - but eventually, if I do meet up with someone, it's going to come up... what then?

Hey Kirstin, I'm sorry about this fella. You're right, hope IS a great deceiver, and I, like you, have wasted too many years hoping for someone...........but hey, great you've decided to move on. That is a very good sign.

I wouldnt let your age be the issue here. Comparing yourself to what other people do or should have done, or what society deems as normal, is just self destructive. Really, age is so immaterial in so many things these days. Dont let anyone judge you, and certainly dont judge yourself!

Internet dating, I wouldnt recommend it at all. I'm a quite a tough cookie and a good judge of character, and its really has got to me recently. There are so many good for nothing arseholes/freaks/scammers/playboys on them, that its going to be a tough lesson to learn so soon in your new venture. Better to go for something like 'meetup' where you can take a friend and just get talking to new people in the first instance. And now you are free of the 'hope' and open to new experiences, you will probably find you attract suitors in your normal life.

As for kissing and sex? I really wouldnt worry about it. This is a natural progression that I think we humans are adept at discovering without much effort. A bit like breathing or giving birth, we just do it. There is no wrong or right way. There is just what you feel comfortable with yourself. As you've read on a few of the more sexual threads around here, everyone is different.

The main thing is to now keep an open mind and follow your instincts. Just start small. Talk to guys in situations you dont usually. Make yourself feel attractive from the inside out. Be proud of who you are :flowerforyou:

Jeneba

AM at work so can't elaborate, but am deeply touched by your HONESTY!!! Sending Positive Thoughts!

JanieJack

I can fake a kiss from any angle you like (stage directors choose some doozies), but have no actual experience to build on for the 'real deal' - I missed all of the usual learning how to flirt/kiss/interact with the opposite gender in a manner other than friendship stuff entirely
...
Presumably, at some point it will be an issue, and I get the impression that, for a fair few guys, inexperience is a real problem, for some, even a deal-breaker.

I'm wild by nature behind closed doors (the one thing my ex husband DIDN'T complain about), but I'm also quite religious so there will be no closed doors for awhile ;-) Whether religious or too focused on school/work, it does appear to be a turnoff to be in our 30s with few (or no) previous partners.

I used to answer proudly when the question of my experience came up, thinking it was awesome that I waited for marriage and was faithful in that marriage. I didn’t realize it was such a turn off. Nowadays I generally try to avoid the topic, and if it comes up, I try to defer the answer "let's talk about that later." I also tend to joke suggestively with guys I'm interested in an attempt to let them know that even though I'm cautious I'm not a cold fish.

The most important thing you will have to do, though, is decide what's important to you. If you just WANT to get that experience, then that should be easy enough to do… you can always find a guy in a bar to kiss you, make out with you, and take you home. If that’s what you want. Physical intimacy does nothing for me without an existing relationship, so this doesn’t work for me. But only you know what will work out for you.

PS I’d like to echo the other warnings about people taking advantage of inexperienced women. I will send you some websites on tricks guys use, to help you gauge whether or not you want to “learn” from them. But I’ll have to do that from home. Don’t let me forget ;-)

Carl01

Be yourself and proud of who you are.
There is nothing wrong with how you have lived your life and yes,it is time for you to move on to one of your own,not tied to a dream that won`t be.:flowerforyou:

La_Amazona

I'm just reading this.

First of all, sorry about the heart break. I can only imagine. Many many hugs to you.

Second of all, I think it's awesome that you've reflected and have decided to get up and get out there. I love how you said "hope is a great deceiver"! When folks learn something new about themselves or at least admit something to themselves it represents growth which is NEVER a negative thing. Way to go for that!

thecarbmonster

Girl, I feel ya! I am not one to be girl crazy, but I have had a crush on one of my best friends from college for six years now. When we were in college, we were basically dating (if only I wasn't 100-150 pounds overweight and totally not his type lol) and spent every minute together. He had just come out of a relationship and spent a lot of time lamenting over it, but eventually moved on.

After graduating, I visited him once in grad school and then over the past 4-5 years we only meet once or twice a year, but somehow I still hold onto the idea of him. Now he's been in two long term relationships (the current one I'm just waiting for him to get engaged any day), and it's even harder to connect even as friends. I feel less heartbroken when I see him with his girlfriend every time, so I'm trying to let go. I guess it's harder to move on when (like you) I have zero dating experience and haven't had many other men in my life.

I'm here for ya!

Nerple

You're right, hope IS a great deceiver, and I, like you, have wasted too many years hoping for someone...........

I've been down that road as well. We were really close for a while, but since she had moved to the opposite coast it eventually just didn't work out. We're still friends though. And despite that it's been several years since then and I've moved on, talking to her last night it still stung a bit when she mentioned she might have a date this weekend. Ah well. C'est la vie.

castadiva

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the supportive and helpful replies. Really struggling today, now that the reality is starting to sink in, and the shock has worn off a bit, but promise to reply properly tomorrow.

La_Amazona

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the supportive and helpful replies. Really struggling today, now that the reality is starting to sink in, and the shock has worn off a bit, but promise to reply properly tomorrow.

HUGS!!!

Liking_me_now

I'm just reading this.

First of all, sorry about the heart break. I can only imagine. Many many hugs to you.

Second of all, I think it's awesome that you've reflected and have decided to get up and get out there. I love how you said "hope is a great deceiver"! When folks learn something new about themselves or at least admit something to themselves it represents growth which is NEVER a negative thing. Way to go for that!

That really does stink but many of us have gone through sililar things at different stages of life. Hope is a deceiver for sure. I think of it as a bit of a riskier investment where I am prepared to walk away if it doesn't work out.
Getting back out and trying is better for the soul and confidence.

castadiva

Hi everyone, and thanks again for your candid and supportive replies. I'm starting to feel as if I have got my head around the situation, at least a little, and can be (vaguely) rational about all of this. Apologies if I don't quote everyone/mention each of you by name - your input has been very much appreciated.

FlamFloz - thank you for explaining what you meant by limiting the damage, and for your ideas about my options. While I've thought about both presented options in the past, it is helpful to have them spelled out so clearly - you raised points I haven't thought about. Your offer of tuition is also appreciated, but I will have to decline, with thanks If I've waited this long already, I guess I still want my first 'real' kiss to mean something. Maybe that makes me foolish (and hopelessly romantic), but dammit, even if it's later than most, I still want that bit, at least, of the fairytale. :flowerforyou:

I feel exactly the same way in which you say you "missed all the usual" and I agree. When normal people started to date, I was a socially awkward middle schooler. When most people were starting to get kissed, it just never happened with me. Now that I'm older and inexperienced, I have a lot of anxiety about it. I've built dating/kissing/sex up to this huge thing in my mind when it really shouldn't be.

Most people here seem to agree with you, as do I - it shouldn't be such a big deal. As Anna says, the physical aspects of intimacy are natural things that we are designed to know about and do easily. It's very easy, when not following the 'normal' pattern, for anything to acquire this sort of significance/terror-factor. Dating, on the other hand, is made to seem like a veritable mine-field of potential pitfalls. Like most things, I'm guessing the only way to conquer the fear is to experience the unknown and de-mystify it all. One way or another, that's my big challenge for the year ahead. Knowing the theory is one thing, actually experiencing it is quite another. It's good to know that I'm not the only one, as well - sometimes, it feels like it.

Janey - thank you for sharing your experiences and acquired wisdom. Deflection is probably my friend in this situation, at least until I've reached a certain level of emotional intimacy with someone. Suggestive joking, I can do - it's pretty commonplace in my professional world. Although my reasons are not particularly religious ones, I can't imagine sex with someone I didn't have an emotional connection to working for me at all. Quite apart from anything else, I'm too self-conscious about my appearance to risk exposing my body to someone who presumably would have no compunction about rejecting me on that basis as they had no emotional investment in the relationship. It doesn't have to be a marriage, or even a potential marriage, but there does need to be some emotional intimacy involved. That said, please do send me the websites you mentioned - I would very much appreciate it, and forewarned is most definitely fore-armed! :blushing:

However much I want the experience, I'm not looking for a hook-up. I'm probably less concerned, in a way, with my sexual inexperience than I am with the whole dating thing - the former won't be a major issue until I'm comfortable with someone (at which point, I hope it won't be an issue for them, either), the latter is an issue right now. It was a good point to make that the pressure on me in the kissing department is probably less than on a male! In the media frenzy that surrounds our intimate lives nowadays, I hadn't really thought about that.

I like the sound of 'MeetUp' - it sounds rather less intimidating than 'traditional' internet dating, of which I have always been skeptical, anyway. My attempts to widen my circle haven't really borne much fruit, so I guess I need to spread the net wider. I'll start by giving that a try.

LaAmazona - thank you for the hugs - I really needed them yesterday. :flowerforyou:

To everyone who has posted - thank you. I wouldn't normally have shared quite so much in a public forum, but in a moment of real unhappiness, you seemed like the people who would know what to say/do, and who might understand or empathise. My gratitude that you proved to be so is immense. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

Honey we love you! Wait for a man who does too!
(and I'll send those sites... I got caught up on an impromptu date yesterday and totally forgot about everything else I was supposed to do, lol!)

La_Amazona

Well as you know, I have a soft spot for people in crush/ love with someone who is unavailable to them for whatever reason. In my short experience with this (with FL), I knew I deserved to be liked/ loved by someone. And although I wasn't spending time on him as I was dating others, I was spending energy and thoughts on him and it was causing me heartache. I was also holding onto hope.

Anyways, sounds like you know what you want hun. I know it hurts but in the long run, you're going to be happier (because you're already great and happy on your own!) with someone who loves and wants you just the same.

castadiva

Honey we love you! Wait for a man who does too!
(and I'll send those sites... I got caught up on an impromptu date yesterday and totally forgot about everything else I was supposed to do, lol!)

Just crossing my fingers the wait isn't too (much!) longer... Absolutely fine - I was in no state to read them yesterday anyway. An impromptu date sounds like fun - hope you had a good time?!