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Why do I care?
Meghan0116
Posts: 1,263 Member
My son's father and I were together for 8 years. I asked him to leave when my son was 6 months old. He wasn't abusive, just extraordinarily selfish and neglectful. Things really went downhill when I found out I was pregnant. Here is my question, we will haven been broken up for 3 years this July. I have dated off and on since 8 months after we split. He hasn't dated at all, so he says.
Well, he let it slip the other day that he is dating someone. At first I told him that I wanted to know about it but then changed my mind and told him not to tell. I am not broken hearted by any means but I am bothered that he is dating someone. I am not in love with him anymore and every time I considered taking him back, he would do something really douchey and remind me why we are not together. Have I considered him a back up option? Is it that I spent 8 years supporting and being there for him? I can't figure out why this upsets me. I am so effed up. lol
Well, he let it slip the other day that he is dating someone. At first I told him that I wanted to know about it but then changed my mind and told him not to tell. I am not broken hearted by any means but I am bothered that he is dating someone. I am not in love with him anymore and every time I considered taking him back, he would do something really douchey and remind me why we are not together. Have I considered him a back up option? Is it that I spent 8 years supporting and being there for him? I can't figure out why this upsets me. I am so effed up. lol
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Replies
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*HUGS*
First off,you were together and intimate with the guy,you have a child of his...that is going to create an emotional bond which will always be.
Second,you are human and feel that you have been wronged in ways so it is natural to resent a bit the perception that he is now free and possibly happy where maybe you don`t quite feel that about yourself.
Understand it,face it and then move away from it before it becomes a festering wound.
You did what was best for you,just keep that in mind. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think the way you feel is totally normal. Not sure I have any other advice, other than to say I think most people are a bit bothered by their ex dating someone else, even if they don't want them back.
Sorry
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I wouldn't say that you are effed up. I went through a very similar emotional roller coaster when my ex started dating someone. I think it's totally normal simply because he was "yours" and now he's somebody elses. Just remember why you are better off without him and it will pass. Not to mention that they have to deal with the bs, but you don't! Hugs!! :flowerforyou:0
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I can't explain why, but I feel you. There's no way in the world I would take my ex back but I still had that pang of anger and sadness watching him dote all over his new honey in ways he never did for me.
hang in there... here’s hoping this weekend you'll meet someone that makes you forget all about what your ex is doing.
{{hugs}}0 -
I think it's normal.. and not necessary because you want him back. From the sounds of it, you don't.
I didn't trust myself when it came to this. I had no idea how I'd react to hear my ex was dating someone new. This is one of the reasons why I have strong boundaries to protect myself such as blocked him on FB and told all my family and friends that I didn't to know anything about him. NOTHING. I could care less in the romantic way because I don't want him back but who knows how I'd take certain news on a bad day.
For you, you have a child with him so it's not possible NOT to hear about him but just have boundaries. Although you don't care about it, don't ask. Even though the last conversation ex and I had was pretty civil and even friendly, I wouldn't dare ask him about his dating life. Eh.. for what?
Try not to focus on him. You're the one that's important in YOUR life. :flowerforyou:0 -
It is quite normal to feel the way that you do. Carl made good points about the bond you two have. Even the most nonchalant person would care.
Probably best to have very strict boundaries. No unnecessary conversation. Only topics related to your mutual interest, your child together.0 -
I think what you're going through is a very normal emotion to this. Just take care of yourself right now :flowerforyou:0
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I feel the same way. There is no way EVER that I would want to go back to my ex husband .. but .. lol. To this day when I think about him and his girlfriend .. I hurt. I gave everything I had to this person .. and alot I didn't have .. ha. He is the father to my child. I gave him my life in front of God and my family and that meant something to me. We were together for 15 years and alot of those years were when I did most of my growing up .. and he was part of that. Then all the sudden .. bam .. he is gone. I feel like I dealt with all of his crap and showed him how to be good to a girl and she gets the benefit of the changes that I made in him. lol.
I don't know that I will ever not feel that hurt when I see them or think about them. It is hard to think that the person that was supposed to love you forever is now with someone else. Not to mention my dream of a family is destroyed and will forever be destroyed ... and SHE has a big part of that dream. Especially when I watch them drive off with MY son in the backseat of her stupid focking car. I'm getting pissed thinking about it right now...lol.
You are certainly not alone in this feeling. But .. all I can offer is when you think it .. shove it somewhere else in your mind. Stop yourself immediately. It doesn't do any good and you are the only one being bothered by it. I try to remember something bad about him when I start to get all sad. lol. That helps some. HUGS!0 -
I may have missed it, but how long have you two been apart? My ex and I have 2 children together and for that reason will always be in each others lives. We have been separated/divorced for a total of about 6 years. Early in our separation her dating other people did upset me and affect me in ways like you mentioned. I knew I didnt want her back but it still bothered me inexplicably. Fast forward and she is remarried and I hope happy. None of that bothers me anymore in the slightest.
Back in the day when it did bother me, I think it was because I just hadnt had enough time nor had I fully moved on. I didnt contemplate getting back together but it takes different periods of time and individual reflection and growth before you are ready to accept your ex moving on in life. For me I was upset mostly because I wondered how can she be out dating after we spent all those years together etc etc. At that point I probably had not moved on, now I am way past it and in time you will be as well. I would say right now though, if it really bothers you, it is simply because you havent fully moved on. No worries you will get there! Keep your head up and do the things you always wanted too, but didnt when you were together. Go on vacation, go back to school, whatever it is, just do for you and live your life. My two cents0 -
i have been told that it's very normal to feel that way, even if you don't want them back or don't see them in that light. so, be gentle with yourself :-)
i found out my ex ( we were together 14 yrs and have been apart almost 3) was dating someone. i was more like " good luck girl" cuz he is not a good partner, parent or spouse.
we have kids together and that aspect does change things a little for me. but, i know we will both move on and i'm ok with that.
apparently he and his girlfriend have broken up. so, i'm sure there will a new one soon. he, on the other hand, can't seem to leave me alone. caught him driving by my house at 1045p last night!!!0 -
Probably best to have very strict boundaries. No unnecessary conversation. Only topics related to your mutual interest, your child together.
This is the best advice. I ended it with my ex when our daughter was 3. She's 10 now and it was a constant battle having to deal with him until I completely quit communicating with him except regarding her. We e-mail and text regarding her and that's it. It's been peaceful ever since. :happy:0 -
For me I was upset mostly because I wondered how can she be out dating after we spent all those years together etc etc.
OO you hit on a big part of it! After all those years (in my case, 3 years of dating, 12 of marriage) doesn't our family mean ANYTHING to you? Not that I wanted him back, but I wanted the time I put in to count for something.
Nothing hurts like giving your all to someone who doesn't (or no longer) loves you.0 -
Thanks for responding everyone. A friend and I just talked about this and part of what bothers me is that I have our son 99% of the time and I wouldn't trade that for the world. But, while I have all the responsibility, he is off doing whatever, dating, going out, blah blah blah. Again I wouldn't give up Donovan for anything but sometimes I do miss those days. It's like he gets to move on and be happy and I get to stay stuck. Not with Donovan, but with my social/sex/friends life.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense.0 -
Thanks for responding everyone. A friend and I just talked about this and part of what bothers me is that I have our son 99% of the time and I wouldn't trade that for the world. But, while I have all the responsibility, he is off doing whatever, dating, going out, blah blah blah. Again I wouldn't give up Donovan for anything but sometimes I do miss those days. It's like he gets to move on and be happy and I get to stay stuck. Not with Donovan, but with my social/sex/friends life.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense.
Yeh .. I know that feeling well. BUT .. I had my son with me 100% of the time when we were married .. now with the divorce at least I get some free time. That is the only GOOD thing to come out of the whole mess. That was part of the problem when we were married was that I was the in house slave. He was NEVER home. So I had what you are feeling now when we were still married. lol.0 -
this was me too. home with 5 kids, while he was literally never there or never available, or too busy or too tired, or had to travel, etc. he worked 80-100hrs PER WEEK, by choice!!!
i actually have a life now, to some degree. i have the kids all but every other weekend, and i'm totally fine with that :-) i like having my kids with me. we are very very busy. i joined lifetime fitness so that i could work out and they would have a fun place to play ( child care) but we'd also be able to swim together as a family and do lunch or dinner too.
when i don't have my kids i usually spend that time catching up on chores and yard work. some times i'll make plans with friends. i use that time as me time. it's nice.
the first year i was single and he had the kids, i did go a little hog wild. but, now it's a nice even calm ;-)
Yeh .. I know that feeling well. BUT .. I had my son with me 100% of the time when we were married .. now with the divorce at least I get some free time. That is the only GOOD thing to come out of the whole mess. That was part of the problem when we were married was that I was the in house slave. He was NEVER home. So I had what you are feeling now when we were still married. lol.0 -
I agree - totally normal. You shared some special times so I think that connection will always be there -- especially if he's a decent guy on most levels.
I personally didn't get those feelings. My ex got remarried an all I could think of was 'poor girl'.0 -
. It's like he gets to move on and be happy and I get to stay stuck. Not with Donovan, but with my social/sex/friends life.
I am not sure if any of that makes sense.
That makes total sense!! I'm the same way. My ex gets 2 visits a year, and he typically waives them off. So I don't get "breaks." It's frustrating to hear about him travelilng all over the country doing things with his (then) musical fiance but he couldn't have been bothered to get off the couch while we were dating.
What's helped me (aside from her dumping him in a bad way, lol) is some time and distance to realize that even if he WERE to try and treat me like he's treating her it won't last. It never does.
What's also helped is my son is old enough for me to feel comfortable with hiring a sitter so I can start having a LIFE again.0 -
He does get our son 1-2 days a week but I usually don't go out. I use that time to take care of what I haven't had time to do the other days. I am sorry for whining. We have been apart for nearly 3 years and he shows me repeatedly why that is. I know that we aren't good together.
This is going to sound terrible too but part of it is that he told me that he would never give up on us and that he would never stop trying. Now, this is after we broke up and he didn't date most of the time. Part of it is that I can't show him what he is missing anymore because the focus is elsewhere. Another part has been me wanting him to hurt because of how he hurt me. Like, Look, here is this incredible woman I can't get back because I f*cked up so badly.
Sheesh.0 -
He does get our son 1-2 days a week but I usually don't go out. I use that time to take care of what I haven't had time to do the other days. I am sorry for whining. We have been apart for nearly 3 years and he shows me repeatedly why that is. I know that we aren't good together.
This is going to sound terrible too but part of it is that he told me that he would never give up on us and that he would never stop trying. Now, this is after we broke up and he didn't date most of the time. Part of it is that I can't show him what he is missing anymore because the focus is elsewhere. Another part has been me wanting him to hurt because of how he hurt me. Like, Look, here is this incredible woman I can't get back because I f*cked up so badly.
Sheesh.
That is a normal reaction but please try to realize in the long run it is also pointless and self defeating.
Nothing is going to change and you will not be any better off in any way if he was hurting.
That may sound cold but it is also the reality of life. :flowerforyou:0 -
You are not whining. This *kitten* is hard. I really cannot tell you how similar you feel to how I feel or have felt. It truly took me 3 years to get where I am now. There is no time limit on how long you get to feel hurt and betrayed. You need to work through it at your own pace.
But at some point the decision has to be made to move forward. To not focus on what you had and what you can't have and what was taken from you. You have to reach the point where it just doesn't make sense to you to keep punishing yourself with these thoughts and behaviors. There was something I read that I wrote down in a million different places and I reread all the time..
"Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no other reason to do anything but act in your own best interest."
It sparked something in me to start to move forward.
Change your choice. Change how you look at things. Change how you react to things. That is the only thing in this world you can control. So do it.0 -
Nothing is going to change and you will not be any better off in any way if he was hurting.
In the long run, this is true...
though in the short term, when my ex last month was crying to me about how this girl did him so wrong (had another man living in the apartment my ex put her in) it felt reeeeeeeel good when he said he realized all those years I'd truly loved and cared for him and he threw it all away. Yep. I'm that shallow.
Wow! so powerful and true!But at some point the decision has to be made to move forward. To not focus on what you had and what you can't have and what was taken from you. You have to reach the point where it just doesn't make sense to you to keep punishing yourself with these thoughts and behaviors.0 -
yeah, I agree its a very natural feeling. I felt the same after my LTR ended. However, as its now over 12 years later I can safely say it hasnt bothered me for years. I think it stopped when I fell in love with someone else!!
So when your life moves on and you're happy and fulfilled again, you'll feel differently :flowerforyou:0 -
I can't relate because I don't have kids with my ex, but I would definitely still care if he started dating someone seriously, just like he would probably care if I dated someone seriously. I can't explain why other than the fact that you care.
It's that little pang because you loved the man, obviously. Most men I've loved have a soft spot in my heart.0
This discussion has been closed.