Moving too fast....
hypallage
Posts: 624 Member
I've been out on three dates with a really nice guy, I enjoy his company & like spending time with him but I'm getting more and more freaked out by him. He texted me today asking if our relationship was okay because we don't speak, or see each other much. ( i thought we were just dating - hadnt realised it was a relationship yet)I have already told him I don't really like talking about feelings (I have issues) and am wanting to take it slowly, he is already telling me he loves me (I think, I was trying not to hear that). How do I get him to stop being so needy? I like the guy but I'm really not where he is right now....
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That's a classic case of nice guy syndrome and why it fails to keep the ladies around.0
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That's a classic case of nice guy syndrome and why it fails to keep the ladies around.
DM I was wondering the same thing .. like is it the NICE guy syndrom or is there really nothing in between the total jerk and this guy. I am feeling something VERY similar right now and would like to think that there is something in between. Like can this guy actually pull back or is it how he is made and it will never be different.
OP .. I am having these same feelings right now. There is someone that I really like .. but it is all the sudden becoming all encompassing and I don't like it. I am starting to feel like a caged animal. Like can this person really pull back and still be happy too.
I feel like I have asked for a nice guy for so long and this is what I have gotten .. but is this the defenition of a nice guy or is this something else. I don't know.0 -
... it's not nice-guy syndrome. It's not gender specific. I've been in his shoes far too many times...
Just straight up tell him it's too much too fast, he needs to apply some brakes or drive on. Yeah, it sucks to say, sucks to hear... but the blatant truth is your best option.0 -
I love you after three dates? That **** cray.
I think the whole "moving too fast" thing boils down to insecurities. The I have to put a label on it or else she or he will leave.0 -
I have been here too many tmes....... What happened to REAL men. I don't want a needy, insecure guy.0
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The simple answer is that in the right situation everything here is perfect.
In the wrong one it is a disaster.
Do not one lady tell me that they wouldn`t crave to hear "I love you" if their heart had jumped to that place too which is very often and easily can be early on whether justified or not.
On the other side every guy alive should understand those three words are either the gate opening or the kiss of death as a lady wants to be the one to decide when love has happened so use them only when sure you feel it and really believe she does too.
The guy read it wrong and ladies are not being honest with themselves suggesting it is too quick...it just didn`t fit the feelings.0 -
I love you after three dates? That **** cray.
^^^^^THIS! It has nothing to do with being a nice guy but I am sorry three dates is too fast to start declaring your love for someone.0 -
The simple answer is that in the right situation everything here is perfect.
In the wrong one it is a disaster.
Do not one lady tell me that they wouldn`t crave to hear "I love you" if their heart had jumped to that place too which is very often and easily can be early on whether justified or not.
On the other side every guy alive should understand those three words are either the gate opening or the kiss of death as a lady wants to be the one to decide when love has happened so use them only when sure you feel it and really believe she does too.
The guy read it wrong and ladies are not being honest with themselves suggesting it is too quick...it just didn`t fit the feelings.
I'm certainly not there yet....I wasn't even aware we were in a relationship, I like him & was keen to spend time with him but he's pushed too much & now I'm backing off rapidly....I'm left feeling like a b***h, and I'm probably acting like one as well.
Thinking I'm going to have to have a let's be friends conversation....:(0 -
I love you after three dates? That **** cray.
^^^^^THIS! It has nothing to do with being a nice guy but I am sorry three dates is too fast to start declaring your love for someone.
I agree. There wouldn't be a 4th date for me if that happened.
I do believe you can fall hard and fast as I have been there myself, but the word "love" never crossed my mind, even after a few months of seeing each other.
Be cautious if you do want to continue seeing him and be sure to tell him that he needs to slow down0 -
The guy fell hard for a lady,he expressed that and somehow he is dysfunctional because of it?
We have threads here where most ladies say that they will mentally move themselves into a relationship status almost immediately with a guy,this one fellow did the same.
Now you all think he is effed up for doing it but if the tables were turned and he didn`t respond to a lady that went head over heels he would be called a player for leading her on.
You can`t have it both ways and the guy is not always at fault or a bad person because he is human,the sooner that is understood the better things will be I think.0 -
Carl - you are right here, he is a really nice guy, nothing wrong with what he has done at all, just my reaction to it...0
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The simple answer is that in the right situation everything here is perfect.
In the wrong one it is a disaster.
Do not one lady tell me that they wouldn`t crave to hear "I love you" if their heart had jumped to that place too which is very often and easily can be early on whether justified or not.
On the other side every guy alive should understand those three words are either the gate opening or the kiss of death as a lady wants to be the one to decide when love has happened so use them only when sure you feel it and really believe she does too.
The guy read it wrong and ladies are not being honest with themselves suggesting it is too quick...it just didn`t fit the feelings.
I'm certainly not there yet....I wasn't even aware we were in a relationship, I like him & was keen to spend time with him but he's pushed too much & now I'm backing off rapidly....I'm left feeling like a b***h, and I'm probably acting like one as well.
Thinking I'm going to have to have a let's be friends conversation....:(
No offence but you could grow some ovaries and talk to him about the things he is doing and hoe you feel about it before you automatically ride him off for not reading your mind.
You might have been giving off the signals that made this guy trip out on you that he has clearly read wrong. But if you like him, why crucify him for it with out giving him a chance to talk to you about.0 -
Carl - you are right here, he is a really nice guy, nothing wrong with what he has done at all, just my reaction to it...
That is fair and human and you never suggested otherwise.
It sucks to be on either side of this equation and have been on both.0 -
I have spoken to him...after one text I did reply telling him that he couldn't text me things like that, I have also told him that I don't really do talking about feelings early on, problem is he does.0
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The simple answer is that in the right situation everything here is perfect.
In the wrong one it is a disaster.
Do not one lady tell me that they wouldn`t crave to hear "I love you" if their heart had jumped to that place too which is very often and easily can be early on whether justified or not.
On the other side every guy alive should understand those three words are either the gate opening or the kiss of death as a lady wants to be the one to decide when love has happened so use them only when sure you feel it and really believe she does too.
The guy read it wrong and ladies are not being honest with themselves suggesting it is too quick...it just didn`t fit the feelings.
I'm certainly not there yet....I wasn't even aware we were in a relationship, I like him & was keen to spend time with him but he's pushed too much & now I'm backing off rapidly....I'm left feeling like a b***h, and I'm probably acting like one as well.
Thinking I'm going to have to have a let's be friends conversation....:(
Keep in mind as per previous discussions here what has been the participation factor.
Have you been going with him to what he has planned and paid for as a possibility of a relationship or has it been more casual in back and forth then that?
Liking to have him take you some where may seem fine if you are enjoying the experience but not equating it as a date potential mate situation.
For him he is doing something that requires an investment (sounds cold but what is) and is risking that for the chance of a reward.0 -
I have spoken to him...after one text I did reply telling him that he couldn't text me things like that, I have also told him that I don't really do talking about feelings early on, problem is he does.
That is fine but at what point are you willing too?
3 dates should be getting to the go forward or back away point so maybe in fairness you should be considering opening up your feelings a bit. :flowerforyou:0 -
I have spoken to him...after one text I did reply telling him that he couldn't text me things like that, I have also told him that I don't really do talking about feelings early on, problem is he does.
That is fine but at what point are you willing too?
3 dates should be getting to the go forward or back away point so maybe in fairness you should be considering opening up your feelings a bit. :flowerforyou:
Also keep in mind that text loses connotation, voice pitch, and body language. "You can't text me things like that." could also come off as flirty, facetious, sarcastic, etc. Written communication is read, not with the intent of the writer, but with the intent and mindset of the reader.0 -
I did follow that up with a phone call...well aware that text is not a great medium to communicate by.0
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DM I was wondering the same thing .. like is it the NICE guy syndrom or is there really nothing in between the total jerk and this guy.
The middle ground is less common.The guy fell hard for a lady,he expressed that and somehow he is dysfunctional because of it?
We have threads here where most ladies say that they will mentally move themselves into a relationship status almost immediately with a guy,this one fellow did the same.
Now you all think he is effed up for doing it but if the tables were turned and he didn`t respond to a lady that went head over heels he would be called a player for leading her on.
You can`t have it both ways and the guy is not always at fault or a bad person because he is human,the sooner that is understood the better things will be I think.
Well, he doesn’t know how women operate for sure. Then again, very few men possess real understanding in this area. If a guy comes on to a woman in this manner, he gets perceived as needy, which is perceived an undesirable. Being perceived as needy isn’t what keeps the attraction going.0 -
We've been out three times, once for a drink (he bought first one, I got second), once to Cheddar Gorge - he drove & paid, I bought lunch (he did offer though) and once to the theatre - I bought the tickets, he bought drinks.0
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does he happen to be an aries?
and you don't talk much and have only seen each other three times? have you kissed?0 -
My ex told me he loved me after knowing me a week...I told him he was nuts and couldn't love someone that fast and no way would he hear it back right away. He waited for me to " catch up" in feelings and I waited ti I was ready to say it and he was ok with that. Just talk to your guy about it and he may understand more than you think
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DM I was wondering the same thing .. like is it the NICE guy syndrom or is there really nothing in between the total jerk and this guy.
The middle ground is less common.The guy fell hard for a lady,he expressed that and somehow he is dysfunctional because of it?
We have threads here where most ladies say that they will mentally move themselves into a relationship status almost immediately with a guy,this one fellow did the same.
Now you all think he is effed up for doing it but if the tables were turned and he didn`t respond to a lady that went head over heels he would be called a player for leading her on.
You can`t have it both ways and the guy is not always at fault or a bad person because he is human,the sooner that is understood the better things will be I think.
Well, he doesn’t know how women operate for sure. Then again, very few men possess real understanding in this area. If a guy comes on to a woman in this manner, he gets perceived as needy, which is perceived an undesirable. Being perceived as needy isn’t what keeps the attraction going.
But if he doesn`t respond to what could be described as her needieness (not talking about the op here but in general) he is castigated for not being willing to commit or is a player.
Where is the guys equal ground?0 -
If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. The "I love you" would freak me out!!!
Do you like him?? It sounds like you kind of don't...0 -
Do you like him?? It sounds like you kind of don't...
I certainly did, I'm less sure now because I've been put off by his demand for attention. Yes, I do when I'm with him but not this constant need for reassurance....my fault I guess for making him feel insecure!0 -
Do you like him?? It sounds like you kind of don't...
I certainly did, I'm less sure now because I've been put off by his demand for attention. Yes, I do when I'm with him but not this constant need for reassurance....my fault I guess for making him feel insecure!
Don't blame it on yourself, You can't control the way you feel :flowerforyou:0 -
I certainly did, I'm less sure now because I've been put off by his demand for attention. Yes, I do when I'm with him but not this constant need for reassurance....my fault I guess for making him feel insecure!
Looks like it is over from your perspective.But if he doesn`t respond to what could be described as her needieness (not talking about the op here but in general) he is castigated for not being willing to commit or is a player.
Where is the guys equal ground?
The equal ground is non existent.
He may be castigated by the woman, but that’s not the right way to look at it. Does she stay with him? Men who are perceived as players are more attractive than needy men in the eyes of women.0 -
I certainly did, I'm less sure now because I've been put off by his demand for attention. Yes, I do when I'm with him but not this constant need for reassurance....my fault I guess for making him feel insecure!
Looks like it is over from your perspective.But if he doesn`t respond to what could be described as her needieness (not talking about the op here but in general) he is castigated for not being willing to commit or is a player.
Where is the guys equal ground?
The equal ground is non existent.
He may be castigated by the woman, but that’s not the right way to look at it. Does she stay with him? Men who are perceived as players are more attractive than needy men in the eyes of women.
While it is true but why I get annoyed at the man bashing/it is always his fault stuff I see.0 -
Right, made a decision (sort of). Meeting him for dinner on Tuesday, I will tell him what has been going on in my mind, and give him one more chance....he is a nice guy, I am attracted to him (when we're together) I'm just not as far on in my emotions as he is.... If he can't adapt then it isn't going to work because I can't handle this pace!
Thank you for your advice....I'll let you know how it goes on Tuesday!0 -
Right, made a decision (sort of). Meeting him for dinner on Tuesday, I will tell him what has been going on in my mind, and give him one more chance....he is a nice guy, I am attracted to him (when we're together) I'm just not as far on in my emotions as he is.... If he can't adapt then it isn't going to work because I can't handle this pace!
Thank you for your advice....I'll let you know how it goes on Tuesday!
If you don`t then you don`t,so be it,and only fair to him to not let him,as some have suggested,let him twist on the vine wondering for an extended period of time if you are.0
