Why the "Let's be friends" lie?

kimi131

The "Let's be friends" thing has always bothered me because it almost never happens. So, why do we say it? (I say "we" because both men and women do it). I guess it sounds a little nicer, but we both know chances of it actually happening are slim to none. And then, if it does happen, it only works for a little while (at least in my experience), until one or the other meets someone else usually.

This is especially bugging me lately because I've been thinking about a guy with whom I shared a great connection. His name was Mike and we met online. We texted constantly throughout the day and his texts had me grinning from ear to ear. He was funny! And we were so playful and flirtatious with each other. In addition to the constant texts we also continued to email back and forth. And we would talk on the phone, not every day, but more than once a week. We both knew it was an amazing connection. I knew he felt it too because he said so. We had plans to meet on Valentines day, but both worried that it would be too much for a first date, so we backed out of it. And then he got sick (yes, I know for a fact he was actually sick).

And then I got the "Dear Jane" email. Turned out he had an amazing connection with someone else too. Only he had met her the all natural way and was deciding to pursue her. Long, sincere email. He wanted me to know that he had meant every word he had ever said. That he felt the connection as strongly as I had. That he was very sorry, hadn't meant to hurt me, wished things had worked out differently. And, could we be friends? We talked on the phone shortly after that, he apologized some more, and again asked to be friends. He wanted me to know that he "really meant it."

I agreed to being friends because I sincerely thought he meant it. We continued to text, still playful but not flirtatious. He even initiated contact for a while. Once I even asked, very nicely, how things were going with the other girl. We talked about meeting as friends (because we never did meet in person, never got the chance to). We talked about him possibly setting me up with a friend because he had tons of friends and was bound to know someone.

This lasted for a few weeks. I was always careful to respect that he was in a relationship. I never flipped out on him about the whole situation. I genuinely thought we could at least be texting friends. But it wasn't long before I realized that he had stopped initiating contact. I had even sent him a Facebook friend request and he didn't accept (we were still talking at that point). So I stopped initiating contact. That was in March and I hadn't heard from him since. Today on a whim I texted him. All I said was "Hi!" It was obvious he either had no idea who was texting him because he had deleted my number or was totally confused as to why I would text him. I think it was the first one. I told him that it was me and then (again without flipping out on him) wished the best of luck to him and Jacquie. Obviously, any attempt at being friends is done.

But, why did he say it in the first place? I mean, he sounded so sincere about being friends and he even went so far as to initiate contact for a while. I really believed we would be friends, or as I said earlier, "texting friends." I totally respect relationships and never would have done anything to jeopardize theirs. I have other guy friends who date and I know how to just be a friend. Heck, I even have another guy friend that I met online and dated and we are just texting friends now (as far as I know though, he's not dating anyone else because he's always traveling).

I would understand if I had acted all crazy, but whenever I look back all I can see is how well I handled it. I could tell other stories, and I'm sure we all have them. So why do we give that line in the first place if we know we either don't really mean it, or it's just not going to work out? Why not just agree to go our separate ways and best of luck to begin with instead of the whole friendship charade? Seems like that would have been a much easier pill to swallow than the insincere friendship attempt. In fact, I think this was actually more hurtful than the "I met someone else and I'm picking her instead" thing.

christine24t

I don't necessarily think it is always a lie, but I also think sometimes people say it to be nice.

In your case, it sounds like you never actually met each other - and friendships don't exactly work well over text. I don't believe there is a such a thing as a "texting friend." I can see how he would genuinely feel about this other girl and keep texting you because of that, but if you didn't actually physically meet each other, then I can see why he would slowly stop texting you - out of sight, out of mind. Is it the best thing to do? Of course not.

After viewing someone in a romantic way, it is almost impossible to be friends. I was seeing a friend of mine, we stopped dating, and after that is it like I didn't exist. I tried texting something funny once and he didn't care. At graduation last week, he completely ignored me even though I was standing right there. At least he didn't make up a lie to me, but it still hurt though.

Carl01

Decent people do not wish to hurt someone else and at first blush it seems like a good thing however eventually a persons priorities take over and what is more important to them gets their attention.

It is not offered as a lie in most cases,just how life works out.

dbrightwell1270

I can think of a few possible reasons. It's hard to explain to a girl you just started dating with an intention to build a relationship that you are also trying to start a new "friendship" with another girl you met on the same dating site at approximately the same time. Can you imagine the responses and advise you would get from regular posters here if you were the girlfriend asking if others thought this was okay? It's also possible he saw you as a backup in case things didn't work out with his first choice.

In general, there can be tons of reasons to say let's be friends. It's easier to say let's be friends than you seem nice but i really have no interest in you whatsoever. You may actually think the person is nice but life happens, etc.

DMZ_1

Yeah, why?

Not sure why you're so worked up about it. You'll live your life and he'll live his. Especially if you never met.

Focus on you and your own goals.

And yes, day to day activities and in person first interactions are usually preferable to online dating sites.

Best wishes!

kimi131

I don't believe there is a such a thing as a "texting friend."

I have three "texting friends." Only one of whom is a guy (the one I mentioned as a texting friend). We actually dated a little while, but then he started traveling all the time and dating just isn't possible right now. We still text friendly messages and once in a while he calls me. The other two are girls, good friends that I made through MFP. We've never met in person and probably won't ever meet, but I consider them close friends.

kimi131

Not sure why you're so worked up about it.

I guess I'm "worked up about it," because he sounded so sincere about it. I mean, he told me at least three times that he "really meant it." He sent me all these long emails about how sorry he was, etc. Yes, life goes on and I've been dating other people for a while. I just think he shouldn't have said something that, to me at least, sounds like something he never really meant.

Moe4572

I have said this line before, and not "really" meant it...more "lets be friends" rather than enemies kind of thing.

But, after my last relationship that ended kind of out of nowhere (in his mind--I broke it off) I did say let's be friends, and then said "you know, friends that actually do things together" and he agreed, and we did have plans to get together and then a snowstorm hit the state and he met someone else during that and have not seen him since. So, we try and sometimes it just doesn't work.

AnnaPixie

Not sure why you're so worked up about it.

I guess I'm "worked up about it," because he sounded so sincere about it. I mean, he told me at least three times that he "really meant it." He sent me all these long emails about how sorry he was, etc. Yes, life goes on and I've been dating other people for a while. I just think he shouldn't have said something that, to me at least, sounds like something he never really meant.

I'm kind of surprised that you think a text relationship has any longevity!!! Did you think you'd both spend the next 30 years texting?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but think about it! Life is forever changing and so our we!! If you were the one that met someone first, and you are now ensconced in that relationship, then your contact with a previous love interest/text friend is bound to fizzle out. If the friendship was stronger/closer/mutually beneficial, then it would last, but things like this dont last a lifetime.

I've no doubt the guy meant every word he said to you. When he said it he was sincere. Absolutely. But life moves on and so has he! Both friends and lovers come and go! You know the saying "people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime"? That applies here. Now its your time to let him go :flowerforyou:

DavetheHYNIC

This is one of the post where I see someone living in the reality of their mind and not the reality of the world. Step outside of yourself and really look at the situation. You met( or actually never did meet) someone, on a dating website. They are dating someone and they don't wanna date you. Its life move on with your life and don't look back life is too short for that.

Oh yea asking why the guy said he wanted to be just friends and really didn't is like asking why do politicians lie its called bull@tying men have been doing it since Moses wore short pants.

flimflamfloz

Only thing comparable to me that was successful is this guy I met on a chat online, and I've been talking to him for more than 6 years now. I've never seen him, and we only recently talked over skype (never seen his face apart from a picture or two).
We talk about everything, the "anonymity" (sort of) helping.

Apart from this guy, I barely have time for my "real life" friends, so hard to imagine I would be too keen on pursuing a "text buddy" type thing.

Oh and on topic, I've never said that line to anyone unless I meant it (so... Never basically). People are trying to be nice to soften the blow ("Wow! Your friendship, that's great - although I was kinda hoping for your intimate parts, so I am mildly disappointed."), but yeah... Nobody cares about being sincere, people want to be nice (colleague asks you if they are fat or if she is a psycho: "Nooooo! You're not, I can't even believe nobody is hitting on you!").
These people friendship is *kitten* anyway so I don't even want it...

ItsCasey

I agree with Christine that I don't think it's always a lie. I think it's just easier to say "Let's be friends" when you are breaking up with someone than to say "We're probably never going to speak again, but it was nice knowing you."

But let's be clear that being "friends" means something different to men than it does to women, especially in this particular situation. To the man, I think it means "This isn't going to work, but don't be mad at me." And that's pretty much it. To the woman, it means "Oh, well, at least we'll stay in touch with each other."

I also agree with the others that there was little chance of you staying in contact with this guy for a long time if you weren't dating. He was going to meet someone else, you were going to meet someone else, and I doubt either of you would even want to continue texting each other when you're involved with other people. I'm sure it sucks right now, and there is always some level of hurt involved when someone you have feelings for is dishonest with you. But you will get over it, and you will look back on this as sort of a bizarre interlude and nothing more.

Roadie2000

I agree, when two people like each other but the relationship doesn't work for one reason or another, it's easier to try and be friends than to come out and say that you'll probably never see each other again.

Sometimes people stay friends because the timing just isn't quite right and they think maybe they can try again later. But for the most part they always just seem to fizzle out. What's the point anyway? You really have to have a good reason to stay friends, like maybe if you're FWB or running buddies or something. But if you really have nothing in common there's no point in trying to sustain a friendship that just isn't there.

scapez

It's really very simple.

"Let's be friends"...no matter how sincere...sounds a whole lot better than "I'm not interested in dating you anymore".

He really is saying the latter.

I hope you meet someone great soon! :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I think it's just easier to say "Let's be friends" when you are breaking up with someone than to say "We're probably never going to speak again, but it was nice knowing you."

This is exactly what I've always thought "let’s be friends" means. If the guy keeps in contact, then I figure he’s either just boosting his ego (“she’s still interested”) or saving me for a rainy day (might hit a dating dry spell” or keeping me in mind as a possible booty somewhere down the road."

What I’m saying is when someone says “lets’ be friends,” even if he keeps in contact, I don’t believe it. The guys I had dated who are still friends actually never used this line.

MissingMinnesota

When I said "We can still be friends" to J #1 when I broke things off I truely ment that I thought we could still be friends. Of course that did not happen. We wanted to keep being friends so that if I did move back as planned we might have been able to pick up our relationship again but it got to the point where I just didn't want to contact him any more.

mrmanmeat

The "Let's be friends" thing has always bothered me because it almost never happens. So, why do we say it? (I say "we" because both men and women do it). I guess it sounds a little nicer, but we both know chances of it actually happening are slim to none. And then, if it does happen, it only works for a little while (at least in my experience), until one or the other meets someone else usually.

This is especially bugging me lately because I've been thinking about a guy with whom I shared a great connection. His name was Mike and we met online. We texted constantly throughout the day and his texts had me grinning from ear to ear. He was funny! And we were so playful and flirtatious with each other. In addition to the constant texts we also continued to email back and forth. And we would talk on the phone, not every day, but more than once a week. We both knew it was an amazing connection. I knew he felt it too because he said so. We had plans to meet on Valentines day, but both worried that it would be too much for a first date, so we backed out of it. And then he got sick (yes, I know for a fact he was actually sick).

And then I got the "Dear Jane" email. Turned out he had an amazing connection with someone else too. Only he had met her the all natural way and was deciding to pursue her. Long, sincere email. He wanted me to know that he had meant every word he had ever said. That he felt the connection as strongly as I had. That he was very sorry, hadn't meant to hurt me, wished things had worked out differently. And, could we be friends? We talked on the phone shortly after that, he apologized some more, and again asked to be friends. He wanted me to know that he "really meant it."

I agreed to being friends because I sincerely thought he meant it. We continued to text, still playful but not flirtatious. He even initiated contact for a while. Once I even asked, very nicely, how things were going with the other girl. We talked about meeting as friends (because we never did meet in person, never got the chance to). We talked about him possibly setting me up with a friend because he had tons of friends and was bound to know someone.

This lasted for a few weeks. I was always careful to respect that he was in a relationship. I never flipped out on him about the whole situation. I genuinely thought we could at least be texting friends. But it wasn't long before I realized that he had stopped initiating contact. I had even sent him a Facebook friend request and he didn't accept (we were still talking at that point). So I stopped initiating contact. That was in March and I hadn't heard from him since. Today on a whim I texted him. All I said was "Hi!" It was obvious he either had no idea who was texting him because he had deleted my number or was totally confused as to why I would text him. I think it was the first one. I told him that it was me and then (again without flipping out on him) wished the best of luck to him and Jacquie. Obviously, any attempt at being friends is done.

But, why did he say it in the first place? I mean, he sounded so sincere about being friends and he even went so far as to initiate contact for a while. I really believed we would be friends, or as I said earlier, "texting friends." I totally respect relationships and never would have done anything to jeopardize theirs. I have other guy friends who date and I know how to just be a friend. Heck, I even have another guy friend that I met online and dated and we are just texting friends now (as far as I know though, he's not dating anyone else because he's always traveling).

I would understand if I had acted all crazy, but whenever I look back all I can see is how well I handled it. I could tell other stories, and I'm sure we all have them. So why do we give that line in the first place if we know we either don't really mean it, or it's just not going to work out? Why not just agree to go our separate ways and best of luck to begin with instead of the whole friendship charade? Seems like that would have been a much easier pill to swallow than the insincere friendship attempt. In fact, I think this was actually more hurtful than the "I met someone else and I'm picking her instead" thing.

It's not a lie, usually. At least for me it's not. I always try to be. I am still friends with several of the girls I've dated. I even had lunch w/ one last week. But sometimes things change. In this case, it sounds like his new girl doesn't like the idea.

But now that I think about it, I don't know if I've ever specifically said "let's be friends" maybe once. Can't remember. Too much to drink in the last 5 years

kimi131

I guess I'm just the honest type. When guys have come along that I'm not interested in pursuing, I tell them the truth. "I had a nice time, but I don't want to pursue things" or, "I'm seeing someone else and I want to pursue things with him." I'm always honest because that seems easier to take to me. I just wish they would be honest in return :frown: .

kimi131

I hope you meet someone great soon! :flowerforyou:

I'm still dating David, by the way.