FWB...I have feelings for him...Does he for me???

autumnk921

I have a FWB...It's been going on for 2.5yrs now...We get together at least once a week, more if our schedules allow it...Used to be pretty much only weeknights...He doesn't want anything serious & we both think what we have is perfect b/c we don't have to talk everyday or know what the other is doing 24/7 but we are ONLY seeing each other sexually...We have established that....Our children love each other & we love each others kids, we also take them out together when we get a chance...At night, I usually go to his house b/c I like going there better (his bed is nicer...lol)...We used to just meet & have sex but in the last year or more we now go out to eat & have drinks everytime I come over & some nights before we go out we will watch a ball game or one night a political debate & discussed politics - Of all things...lol....In the mornings he hugs me & kisses me goodbye & tells me 'you know the routine' stay as long as you like & I will call you later baby....We may not talk til next week but that is okay with both of us....We have now started hanging out on weekends as well when our schedules allow...We almost have a routine that we both like & have discussed the fact that we like this routine & don't want it to change....I truly have feelings for him b/c we were friends before & are still really good friends....He is a truly great guy....He has been divorced for 3yrs from a pretty crazy woman & he likes the fact that I am not crazy like she is....She is the reason he is scared of a commitment right now but he does know that I have feelings for him....I think he does for me as well but I am really not sure & I won't ask him b/c I don't want to push him away by wanting too much b/c like I said what we have is pretty damn good....I don't really need a commitment from him like the label of boyfriend & girlfriend but I would love to know how he feels about me though.....From what I have just spilled out to ALL of you does anyone have ANY words of wisdom for me....Or by what I have said can anyone tell me what they think is going on in this mans head...lol Thanks for anything!!!

Sorry...That was long-winded but I have been holding this in forever it seems like...Thanks for reading to the end!!

ETA: He loves my body the way it is...He is into fitness but I think he likes a meaty woman (like me) & I have been asking him for fitness advice b/c his body is IT...Love it!! For the first time ever, last week he was trying to get me to eat some of his food b/c I didn't order any food for me b/c of my new healthy way of eating...I thought it was funny that he threatended not to eat if I didn't...We were joking about it....Not sure if he doesn't want me to lose weight b/c he told me that same night that he thinks my body is perfect the way it is....Just wanted to add that in b/c I thought it was cute.

ItsCasey

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

Carl01

You have to figure out where things are at between you two and either both move together into a real relationship or end it.
Stuck in between will drain your energy and you will not move forward in life.
There is no having it both ways.

christine24t

This is the problem that I have friends with benefits. It allows people to do everything they would in a relationship but not invest themselves fully, because no feelings have been shared. To me, honestly it's a way to be in a relationship without putting yourself out there emotionally and saying "I really like you and wish we could date for real." Even though it's implied that you like the person, you don't actually have to say it. Part of being in a relationship is putting yourself out there and when you're doing everything in a relationship except labeling it - it's fake-dating to me and I hate to see people involved in it.

You say that you only see each other sexually but then you say you have dinner and drinks and watch TV and talk. To me it sounds like you're in a relationship, only either of you are reluctant to put a label on it or put your feelings out there. And that is what relationships consist of - being honest and being brave.

That being said: if you are really curious you have to ask. But I'm just curious - if you like him and he ended up liking you back, why wouldn't you want to be in a relationship? I get that you both have kids and busy lives but is that what is holding you back? If he said, "yes I like you" would you keep up as you are or no?

You could say, "I like spending time with you like we are now, but I was just curious if you like me more than what we are now" or something similar like "I like what we have, but lately I have been developing stronger feelings for you. Have you ever thought about me that way?" But first, you have to decide what you want from it. If he says "no i like what we have as this" would you leave or stay? If you would stay, then maybe you shouldn't bother asking. But it's not fair for you to hold your feelings in, at least in my opinion. If he says yes and says he wanted to date you for real, what would you do.

However, you do deserve something real with someone and if your FWB is holding you back and isn't willing to move forward with you, it is time to move on.

Roadie2000

I think you said twice that you like what you have with him. What's the problem?

You two obviously have feeling for each other if you've been doing this for 2.5 years. To me it's the perfect relationship....sex, only having to see someone a couple times a week, and zero commitment. If you want it to be anything more you'll have to figure out what it is and let him know. It seems like you've at least progressed from FWB to dating, maybe in another couple years things will progress further?

Steelheart7

I have a hard time with it just because I think it is an easy out. He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now.

I think it is a recipe for hurt. 2.5 years seems like an awful long time for a FWB. Not that I would know because I have never had one of those. lol.

mrmanmeat

It's not a FWB if you're developing feelings.

It's not strictly sexual at this point, which means it needs to end.

christine24t

I have a hard time with it just because I think it is an easy out. He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now.

This is exactly what I was trying to say only in less words lol. It's an emotional cop out.

Carl01

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

flimflamfloz

No, Carl, the lady is still a minor and leave at her parents.

Oh... wait... no you're right actually.

Steelheart7

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

No .. not necessarily .. if it were a guy saying all this, I would have answered the same way.

flimflamfloz

Ok, two ideas in your post, that you are developing:

- I have feelings for him, does he for me?
I'll ask my friend with a crystal ball to reply to this one. Just send me your credit card details.
Or alternatively, you could do your coming out and ask him.

- This works for both of us.
Cool then, do you want this illusion of a relationship to keep this going or not? If you want more, then "this relationship" (as it currently stands) is different from the one you want, so this DOESN'T work for both of you. Only for him.

Conclusion: tell him what you want and be done with it. And depending on the outcome (yes/no) think about what you'd like to do: would you like to keep this going or not regardless? Etc, etc. (pretty much what TChristine said basically).

2stepz

What would it change?

You already hang out, get the kids together, have the sexxxy tiems... what would him admitting he has feelings for you change? Add in more requirements for communication - that's not needed, obviously. you're already sexually exclusive, so that wouldn't change. What is the benefit of getting him to admit his feelings? Is it worth the risk?

flimflamfloz

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

No .. not necessarily .. if it were a guy saying all this, I would have answered the same way.

Point I guess is they both agreed (regardless of their sex indeed), and what you said is perfectly normal considering it's a FWB relationship.
This I think is the definition of a FWB:
"He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now. "
Except that it normally works both ways, not one way. So it's just that both of them are on a different plan now, which is a recipe for failure.

TL;DR: man or woman, the "other one" is not guilty of anything here.

AllanMisner

The fact that he's spending more time around you tells me that he is likely feeling the same. But unless one of you broaches the topic, this could drift and either one of or both of you could end up hurt. Not to mention your kids.

On the topic of your body. Have you considered that he doesn't want you losing weight because that might mean you'll attract more men and he might lose you?

Steelheart7

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

No .. not necessarily .. if it were a guy saying all this, I would have answered the same way.

Point I guess is they both agreed (regardless of their sex indeed), and what you said is perfectly normal considering it's a FWB relationship.
This I think is the definition of a FWB:
"He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now. "
Except that it normally works both ways, not one way. So it's just that both of them are on a different plan now, which is a recipe for failure.

TL;DR: man or woman, the "other one" is not guilty of anything here.

You are absolutely correct. So I guess essentially I just defined FWB for the OP. lol.

AnnaPixie

I think you need to have a conversation with the guy to assess how you're both feeling. Along the lines of "hey, have you noticed that we see each other more, and are more affectionate and plan things for the kids etc? Its almost like we're in a relationship! Have you considered that we are?"

Depending on his reaction will determine if you start with labels or change the whole thing up! But before you have the conversation, I would be clear in your mind what it is YOU want? By the sounds of it you're happy with the way things are, so why change what doesnt need fixing..........:flowerforyou:

DavetheHYNIC

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

In their minds dude its always the guys fault and u/me/the guy in the OP post represent the guys who have hurt them in the past..........

The one thing that I didn't read was the guy or did the OP believe the guy was sleeping with someone else.

JanieJack

Now hold on, here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.

While I agree that the OP has ventured away from the “arrangement,” I do not interpret the below as being “the man’s fault.” If anything, when we (as women) allow ourselves to fall into these situations we really can’t blame the man for being a willing accomplice. We are offering the man exactly what Helovesme said:

I have a hard time with it just because I think it is an easy out. He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now.

Except that most women don’t think of it that way. To everyone who says, “If you like it the way it is, why do you want it to change?” the crux is that OP no is no longer intrinsically likes the arrangement the way it is. Whether she realizes it or not, she’s no longer happy with the fact that “all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now.”

Unfortunately, I’ve been told most guys in this situation, when pressed for more, end the “arrangement.” I hope that doesn’t happen to OP, but OP has to be prepared for the very real possibility that the “crazy ex” is just an excuse and that if her FWB really wanted to settle down, he would.

Also, I’d like to address this:

The fact that he's spending more time around you tells me that he is likely feeling the same.

Hasn’t always been true for me. I only know he’s feeling the same when he owns me as his girlfriend in front of others.

Carl01

Now hold on,here we go again with it being the guys fault.
Both parties agreed to this arrangement and one (the lady) has now ventured away from it without at this point him even knowing.
That happens and why these things are not for everybody but it doesn`t make him a bad guy for maintaining the terms of the situation.

In their minds dude its always the guys fault and u/me/the guy in the OP post represent the guys who have hurt them in the past..........

The one thing that I didn't read was the guy or did the OP believe the guy was sleeping with someone else.

I believe helovesme when she says her response would have been the same if a guy had been the op.
I do think it is fair though to point out that a lot of ladies in this situation will eventually become hurt and that goes towards what you said as far as reacting to the guy.

They get hurt because of what they have done and what they have believed without reason,not what the guy did and then carry it with them as his fault.
Am not saying this will apply to the op but it seems common.

will010574

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

I concur! Once one of the parties develops feelings it is time to end it or someone will get hurt!

CharlieBarleyMom

This is obviously no longer working for you so you have two choices. Get out and find a real relationship where you can be "with" someone or ask him how he feels.

MyTime1985

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

This! End it now. Let's face the facts, if he wanted more he would have made it known a long time ago. Sorry! :brokenheart:

Carl01

While I agree that the OP has ventured away from the “arrangement,” I do not interpret the below as being “the man’s fault.” If anything, when we (as women) allow ourselves to fall into these situations we really can’t blame the man for being a willing accomplice. We are offering the man exactly what Helovesme said:

I have a hard time with it just because I think it is an easy out. He gets everything he wants from you .. but his options are still open to find and/or sleep with someone else....nor does he have to put forth any real effort towards you. Then all he has to say is .. ok .. that was fun thanks .. I have met someone that really matters now.

I was going by the word "he" and not as a post in general about a view regarding a FWB arrangement.
Took it to be a direct reply to the op regarding her specific situation rather then an assessment of the pros and cons.
Given the context an easy mistake.

Pocket_Pixi

I have been with my FWB for almost 3 years, we have never once had to turn to others for advice as we are both talk to each other about things ... like any other kind of relationship communication should be a priority.... I have never spent the night with my FWB (well not sleeping anyways). He also does not have a pet name for me (baby, hun etc.) We were best friends before sleeping together so we do have nicknames for each other but that happened years ago... so maybe thats the difference but I think communication is important. Have you talked to him about your feelings? You guys sound more like a couple than you want to admit - your children know each other, you go out and do things (which is great) but perhaps he does have feelings for you too and he isn't sure how you feel.

Talk to him, ask him what he thinks. If its still purely sexual for him than its time to end it - as hard as it may be, if he feels differently maybe you can explore becoming a couple. Until you ask him forsure you will never know. ..

threnners

As long as you're letting him eat cake, he's going to frequent the bakery. Close the doors.

poncho33

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

This! End it now. Let's face the facts, if he wanted more he would have made it known a long time ago. Sorry! :brokenheart:

I think she should tell him she has feelings and it either needs to be more than FWB or end... I wouldn't just assume that he doesn't have feelings, never hurts to ask.

Pocket_Pixi

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

This! End it now. Let's face the facts, if he wanted more he would have made it known a long time ago. Sorry! :brokenheart:

I think she should tell him she has feelings and it either needs to be more than FWB or end... I wouldn't just assume that he doesn't have feelings, never hurts to ask.

Pretty much explore all options and go from there... assuming things usually only leads to a lot of hurt... talking usually makes sure everyone is on the same page and if not than they need to get there or close the damn book

mrmanmeat

First things first: When you develop feelings for a FWB, you have to stop sleeping with him, pronto.

Secondly ... actually, no, what I just said pretty much covers it.

This! End it now. Let's face the facts, if he wanted more he would have made it known a long time ago. Sorry! :brokenheart:

I think she should tell him she has feelings and it either needs to be more than FWB or end... I wouldn't just assume that he doesn't have feelings, never hurts to ask.

To quote the movie...

If a guy wants it, he'll make it known. Truth.

jenbit

Ok this is why I try not to keep a FWB for more than 6 months.....

However if you have developed feeling for him you need to do a few thing. Sit down with yourslef and decided what you want.
Then tell him the truth. Tell him that your are starting to develop feeling for him and that your curent arragment no longer works for you. Make sure he understands your not blaming him either. Tell him that you feel its best that if things aren;'t going to progress any futher relationship wise that you need to stop because you don't want to let yourself get hurt. Again make its as nonthreating as possible and dont make it sound like its his fault. It's no ones fault but you really do need to know where you stand for your own peice of mind.

realrayne10

This is exactly why I have specific ground rules with my FWB. When any of these rules are violated, the deal will be off because I have no interest in having a "relationship" with anyone right now.

One of those rules is: He will NEVER meet my kid. I have no interest in having here get attached to someone who may not be around for the long haul.

The fact that their kids are enmeshed in this makes it more than an FWB situation and way more complicated. It is time to end it in my opinion.