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newbie with a little problem.
shaybethxo
Posts: 153 Member
hey guys, just joined this group so not sure if i'm welcome! but here goes.
i broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago and i am finally over him. thing is, a friend and i got very close as he helped me get over the break up and i ended up falling for him. he's my best friend i've known him for 10 years. a few weeks ago, i told him how i felt and he shot me down, said he kindof guessed how i felt and didn't want anything other than friendship. i was fine, a bit gutted but i figured it was better than never telling him. i have joined an online dating site and i've been chatting to a guy for a few days and he's lovely.
here's my problem: saw my best friend for the first time in weeks today, and somethings changed. it's like there is MORE chemistry, MORE lingering touches and glances. it's made me want him more than i did before. and now this guy online just pales in comparison. its all so crazy because i know my friend doesn't want anything. i just don't know what to do.
my ex best friend, whom i would usually talk to about stuff like this, has moved on with her boyfriend and doesn't speak to me much. thus, i have nobody to talk to really.
anybody have any ideas as to what i should do? or just some reassurance, anything, i don't know.
x
i broke up with my boyfriend over a year ago and i am finally over him. thing is, a friend and i got very close as he helped me get over the break up and i ended up falling for him. he's my best friend i've known him for 10 years. a few weeks ago, i told him how i felt and he shot me down, said he kindof guessed how i felt and didn't want anything other than friendship. i was fine, a bit gutted but i figured it was better than never telling him. i have joined an online dating site and i've been chatting to a guy for a few days and he's lovely.
here's my problem: saw my best friend for the first time in weeks today, and somethings changed. it's like there is MORE chemistry, MORE lingering touches and glances. it's made me want him more than i did before. and now this guy online just pales in comparison. its all so crazy because i know my friend doesn't want anything. i just don't know what to do.
my ex best friend, whom i would usually talk to about stuff like this, has moved on with her boyfriend and doesn't speak to me much. thus, i have nobody to talk to really.
anybody have any ideas as to what i should do? or just some reassurance, anything, i don't know.
x
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Replies
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Welcome to the group. I don't really have an answer to this other then call your best friend. She might have moved on with a boy friend but I am sure she would be interested in helping you out and probably knows both you and the guy you like and would have some insight.0
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thanks for the reply
and i would, but her and another friend have been talking about me behind my back. its all silly and childish, but i just don't trust her anymore. 0 -
You probably don't want to hear this, but you've got to stop seeing this "friend" of yours if you hope to ever have a healthy relationship with a man. You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want him, and frankly, the men you date deserve more of your attention than they are getting when you are all wound up by this other guy. I know he's your friend, and it sucks to think of him not being in your life anymore. I've been there. But as long as he's around, you are going to have nothing but dysfunctional relationships with men.0
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Welcome to the group!
I hate to say it, but if you told him how you feel and he said he didn't like you like that, I'm pretty sure it means that he doesn't like you like that. Even if things seem more charged up with him now, it doesn't matter - he knows you like him and that you wouldn't turn him down if he made a move. He's not making a move though. He doesn't matter how he acts or what he says - it matters what he does.
I agree with the above poster that it might be best to cut him out of your life. It might suck at first, but the less you see him, the less you will think of him and move on, and be open to meeting someone great.0 -
I agree, put some space between you and your guy friend, maybe don't see him for quite a while, until he's out of your system. I'd suggest going out with the guy online and not talking to your girl friend. Anyone who's talking about you behind your back (assuming bad stuff) isn't a friend at all.
Welcome by the by.0 -
First welcome to the group!!You probably don't want to hear this, but you've got to stop seeing this "friend" of yours if you hope to ever have a healthy relationship with a man. You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want him, and frankly, the men you date deserve more of your attention than they are getting when you are all wound up by this other guy. I know he's your friend, and it sucks to think of him not being in your life anymore. I've been there. But as long as he's around, you are going to have nothing but dysfunctional relationships with men.
Second I agree with this ^^
Seek out someone who wants/desires you as much as you do them! It will only pay off in the long run0 -
Pretty much what everyone else has said,this perception of "chemistry" is a fantasy you have built up and not reality.
The only possible thing would be to say something again and if the answer is the same then let it go.:flowerforyou:
I have to add as well that this guy may not be the greatest thing you are believing him to be.
I take a dim view of him knowing your feelings and then the lingering touches.
Glances could be in your head but if he is touching you then something is wrong and sounds like his ego enjoys the position you are in.0 -
Pretty much what everyone else has said,this perception of "chemistry" is a fantasy you have built up and not reality.
This is an excellent point. There is no such thing as chemistry that only flows in one direction.0 -
thanks everyone, so much. i know deep down you're all right, but it's not until somebody says it that you realise how stupid you're being. i agree that he shouldn't still be flirting with me, he is leading me on.
i just know that he's been a great guy for the last 10 years but maybe a bit of confidence makes him less attractive if he thinks he can lead me on.
maybe it was in my head, it was just confusing. and the butterflies and stuff came flooding back.0 -
thanks everyone, so much. i know deep down you're all right, but it's not until somebody says it that you realise how stupid you're being. i agree that he shouldn't still be flirting with me, he is leading me on.
i just know that he's been a great guy for the last 10 years but maybe a bit of confidence makes him less attractive if he thinks he can lead me on.
maybe it was in my head, it was just confusing. and the butterflies and stuff came flooding back.
You're not being stupid, it's just easier for us to say it than it is for you to realize it on your own. I've been there, done that before. I'm sure most of us can relate in some way shape or form. You can't keep holding future guys down b/c of someone that it isn't going to happen with. Especially with him having told you it's not.
It's like a band aid, quick and fast and you'll move on easier and faster. Long and slow, it'll keep hurting for awhile.0 -
From what you've described, I would suggest not trying to date at all for a while and finding out what you like to do and who you are. From what you've described, you have no one with whom you can confide in. Your ex best friend is coniving and talking behind your back and a guy friend whom you told you like is playing little games with your emotions. This is a horrible position to ever be in and you don't need to confound the problem by trying to find a love interest.0
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Pretty much what everyone else has said,this perception of "chemistry" is a fantasy you have built up and not reality.
The only possible thing would be to say something again and if the answer is the same then let it go.:flowerforyou:
I have to add as well that this guy may not be the greatest thing you are believing him to be.
I take a dim view of him knowing your feelings and then the lingering touches.
Glances could be in your head but if he is touching you then something is wrong and sounds like his ego enjoys the position you are in.
Totally agree with this.
Not to mention .. we always tend to like the unattainable more so than the attainable.0 -
unfortunately, I agree with the others. Been there, done that............let him go and maybe after some time you can go back to the friendship you once had........it does happen 0
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Yeah you're young, go out and make some new girl friends, boys are stupid anyways.0
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Yeah you're young, go out and make some new girl friends, boys are stupid anyways.
word. lol0 -
Welcome to the group!
Yes, you need to stay away from your male friend. This does three things: 1) Protects you from getting even more involved, 2) Gives you more incentive to go out and make new friends and maybe meet someone special, and 3) He might just realize what he is losing and change his mind (but don't count on it).
Take a minute to think about why the online guy doesn't compare to your male friend. What traits matter to you? What are you really looking for? Are there red flags with online guy that you really haven't thought about, but maybe subconsciously feel? Once you know what you want, you'll know when you've found it.
Above all, enjoy!0 -
Yeah, I pretty much agree with everyone that you need to create some distance between you and the guy that friend zoned you!
Or at least give the guy online a chance!
Living in hope just isnt an option. You asked him if there was a chance for you two. He said no. Time to move on to someone who deserves you :flowerforyou:0 -
Pretty much what everyone else has said,this perception of "chemistry" is a fantasy you have built up and not reality.
The only possible thing would be to say something again and if the answer is the same then let it go.:flowerforyou:
I have to add as well that this guy may not be the greatest thing you are believing him to be.
I take a dim view of him knowing your feelings and then the lingering touches.
Glances could be in your head but if he is touching you then something is wrong and sounds like his ego enjoys the position you are in.
What Carl said....
Recommend staying away...and making new friends, as the others said. Please don't feel stupid.. it's normal to be emotionally attached to a friend who helped you through a rough time causing emotional bonding. That said, if you stay around him and continue getting more attached, you really will only have yourself (not him) to blame.
PS: Welcome to the group!0 -
Yeah you're young, go out and make some new girl friends, boys are stupid anyways.
^^^ Totally this! LOL
Definitely make new friends and get over the guy that is a friend that doesn't want more. Been there done that... no good. Relax and take some time for yourself. Just live and be happy!0 -
thank you everyone for your replies. i have taken your advice and ignored his messages last night, i pretended i wasn't online. you all make so much sense, i deserve better and i will find better.
i've also spent all last night talking to the online guy, and he's suggested we go on a date! so that will definitely move things away from my friend.
about the making friends thing, i am moving away to university in September so my plan was to spend time between now and then focusing on myself, and become a social butterfly when i get there. however, i got an email saying i had a message off the online guy and i read it, and i'm glad i did. if it goes nowhere, then its still helping me move on.
thanks everyone once again, and thanks for all the welcomes!
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