Is money that important, or just an excuse?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
I'm in another bad advice situation... I don't wanna tell my friend that what her guy says and means is two different things. Would like your take on whether I’m right:
They’ve known each other a couple months, been doing mostly light, fun stuff (dinners, lunches, watching movies together, hanging out). Now he’s making a job transition and told her that he couldn’t take her out the way he wanted until he got established, so he didn’t think he was going to be able to see her much. She says she made the point that she doesn’t care about money and that there’s so many free/cheap things they can do together. He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.
I, personally, don’t think it’s really about money (he hasn’t spent much on her as it is). I think he’s just making excuses to break up. And I think she should just accept it as his way of breaking up without hurting her feelings. Not sure what to write her back. What do you think?
(edited to clarify what I think)
They’ve known each other a couple months, been doing mostly light, fun stuff (dinners, lunches, watching movies together, hanging out). Now he’s making a job transition and told her that he couldn’t take her out the way he wanted until he got established, so he didn’t think he was going to be able to see her much. She says she made the point that she doesn’t care about money and that there’s so many free/cheap things they can do together. He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.
I, personally, don’t think it’s really about money (he hasn’t spent much on her as it is). I think he’s just making excuses to break up. And I think she should just accept it as his way of breaking up without hurting her feelings. Not sure what to write her back. What do you think?
(edited to clarify what I think)
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Replies
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I'm in another bad advice situation... I don't wanna tell my friend that what her guy says and means is two different things. Would like your take on whether I’m right:
They’ve known each other a couple months, been doing mostly light, fun stuff (dinners, lunches, watching movies together, hanging out). Now he’s making a job transition and told her that he couldn’t take her out the way he wanted until he got established, so he didn’t think he was going to be able to see her much. She says she made the point that she doesn’t care about money and that there’s so many free/cheap things they can do together. He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.
I, personally, think he’s just making excuses to break up. Not sure what to write her back. What do you think?
Hard to really know w/ out knowing the type of guy he is. We're just strangers on an internet forum.
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Seems sketchy to me. Like either he wants to break up or he is so afraid she will break it off with him he's protecting himself.
In my experience money is far less important than society would have you believe.0 -
With info given, I think it is an excuse...........0
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You don't need money to talk - unless he's told her he's going to be incredibly busy and might disappear for a bit at a time I would say his lack of communication with her would be the problem more than anything.
To be sure, it's only fair that she take him at his word until she loses interest or he ends it. This is assuming he hasn't given her any reason to doubt him before.0 -
Honestly, I can see where you're coming from. And my first instinct is that you are right. If he really liked her, he would be more than willing to do the free/cheap things with her just to spend time with her. Maybe I'm naive, but those are my thoughts.0
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Sounds like rubbish to me or the guy is a control freak.0
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I think you've nailed it. If a girl offers a solution, and he doesn't take it, he's blowing her off.0
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If I were the woman in question, it would sound like an excuse to me. I think when you want to be with someone, you don't care whether you're having dinner in a 5-star restaurant or going for a walk. The point is spending time together.
But I do think a lot of men feel pressure where money is concerned. I think they feel embarrassed when they can't provide a certain "level" of entertainment for a woman and would rather avoid it altogether than do lesser things than the woman is accustomed to. And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.0 -
It can be both. I think money is important, especially with gas prices today. As I read this I thought it was about money and a valid reason up until this:She says she made the point that she doesn’t care about money and that there’s so many free/cheap things they can do together. He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.
The whole "deserve better" thing is an excuse to me (which was quoted in He's Just Not That Into You movie actually). Maybe not seeing each other as much or like your friend suggested, more free things to do would have been the better option IF he was interested.0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?0 -
It's an excuse to me.0
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I am tending to believe it is an excuse. It is just a different version of "its not you its me"0
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I agree it is his ego. If she actually gets a good vibe from him, like he actually likes her, and believes the whole money thing .. it is something that he feels is a flaw within himself.
If you believe something about yourself .. it is hard to see that someone else can see past it and not care about it.
I think all she can do is ask him out on a date .. take him somewhere free without even mentioning the fact that it is free. If he has fun, he should be smart enough to see that they may actually have something that has nothing to do with money.0 -
I'm going to go in the direction of the guy on this one. I can relate. I grew up REALLY poor (lived in a 2 room not bedroom, just 2 room apartment when I was growing up, over a real estate office that was so small when the building inspector came in to look at the apartment they had to take the sink out because if they didn't it would be a HUGE fine for having someone living in an area that small).
Now that I have a career that pays me decently I like to live a certain way and have flexibility in the things I do. If I was dating someone and that was going to drop off drastically it would bother me immensely to not be able to do the things I want for them. Unfortunately it's ingrained in my psyche that I should be able to provide for someone on some level. It would be hard for me to make the transition like that and start to have to do free stuff with someone who I was dating. Now if it was an established relationship, and we both made the decision for our long term growth that this was the way to go, that would be different.0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
It is nonsensical to me so hard to guess but I suppose just show a lot of enjoyment when doing them. *shrug*0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
Sex is freeeeeeee ... lol0 -
I vote for blowoff/breakup.
If I suddenly found myself financially strapped, that would not stop me from spending time with someone I truly cared for. Sure, I might have to get more creative...but that would never stop me.0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
Sex is freeeeeeee ... lol
Horse muffins,every man alive ends up paying dearly somehow for it.
:laugh:0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
She should ask him out to a free/cheap date. He may still insist on paying the lower cost, but she's clearly demonstrated that she's okay with this new "dating lifestyle" and that she wants to see him regardless.0 -
Horse muffins,every man alive ends up paying dearly somehow for it.
:laugh:
CARL!!!0 -
Sounds like a bunch of BS to me, sometime you just have to swallow your pride or make adjustments if you want things to work out. In my experience most girls don't care how much money you spend as long as you are putting in an effort, and once that stops it's kind of pointless. Though I actually did get broken up with after I bought my house, mainly because I stopped taking the gf out for dinner and I spent all my time working on it since it was a fixer upper. But she wasn't very supportive so I didn't care much.
He might just be stressing out a little bit though. He's obviously starting a new job and taking a bit of a pay cut, so that's a pretty big lifestyle change. Maybe he just wants some time to adjust to his new lifestyle before he gets more involved romantically.0 -
Are these his words or what you heard when another woman told you what she heard him say?He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.0 -
Are these his words or what you heard when another woman told you what she heard him say?He said she deserved better than that, and that he believes in treating her and wants to do it right. He said they’d talk about it later but hasn’t responded in a day.
I have no idea if those are his actual words. But that's what she heard him say.0 -
If I were the woman in question, it would sound like an excuse to me. I think when you want to be with someone, you don't care whether you're having dinner in a 5-star restaurant or going for a walk. The point is spending time together.
But I do think a lot of men feel pressure where money is concerned. I think they feel embarrassed when they can't provide a certain "level" of entertainment for a woman and would rather avoid it altogether than do lesser things than the woman is accustomed to. And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
Indeed, it is. Although, I would try to keep an open mind if she was ok with it given the circumstances.0 -
And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
Sex is freeeeeeee ... lol
Horse muffins,every man alive ends up paying dearly somehow for it.
:laugh:
remove dearly. replace with deeply.0 -
I think it's bullpoop - but if it is not, how about she wears the pants then and suggest the activities?And when she says she's fine with doing free/cheap things, it may come off as patronizing to him and make him feel like less of a man. The male ego is a mystery.
So guys please help us out here... let's say this guy is a decent guy who isn't making excuses... what's the right way for her to let him know she's ok with doing free/cheap things without seeming patronizing to him and making him feel like less of a man?
E.g. "Hey, why don't we make [INSERT DISH HERE] together this Saturday evening at my place? While you're coming to my place", says the girl, "why don't you grab A, B and C as ingredients?"
Guy participate, they spend time together. She has a DVD ready at home, they spend evening together cooking and watching a film.
Which makes me think that some of the best memories I have of past relationships are when we were cooking something together. Absolute win for me!0 -
I, personally, don’t think it’s really about money (he hasn’t spent much on her as it is). I think he’s just making excuses to break up. And I think she should just accept it as his way of breaking up without hurting her feelings. Not sure what to write her back. What do you think?
(edited to clarify what I think)
This for sure!!!!!0 -
Update: My friend said that this guy dropped off the face of the earth for her and is not only on Match but has updated his profile. So he's obviously not letting his financial situation hinder him from dating. He just isn't interested in dating her.0
