I don't think I was too harsh... do you?
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
My friend tonight txts me to ask if I would be too disappointed if we didn't go to the bodybuilding show tonight. I wrote back that I would be if that meant we weren't hanging out at all. He replied that he'd been stressed about some news and just needed some time. My response was that it was too late to cancel the sitter (good sitters are hard to find and harder to keep), and since I was already gonna have to pay the sitter I was going out ...somewhere... just wish it was with him.
He didn't change his mind, so I ended up joining some folks from one of the local singles groups and then went shopping with a friend. Most of the singles at dinner thought his text signaled the "beginning of the end" (txt, not a call) and that I made the right call. One person I shared this with thought I was too harsh with him.
So... group of strangers on the internet... what do you think?
He didn't change his mind, so I ended up joining some folks from one of the local singles groups and then went shopping with a friend. Most of the singles at dinner thought his text signaled the "beginning of the end" (txt, not a call) and that I made the right call. One person I shared this with thought I was too harsh with him.
So... group of strangers on the internet... what do you think?
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i dont think that was harsh at all. just honest.
dude waited until the last minute to cancel your plans. maybe the excuse was legitimate maybe it wasn't, but if he'd take offense to you reminding him that last minute changes sometimes has consequences beyond his concerns, then he's probably not the person for you.
i dont necessarily see it as the beginning of the end. i wouldnt mention it again, but i'd file it away in my mental file cabinet in case he did something similar. i also think you made the right call0 -
thx. I'm a bit bummed because he'd been around my singles group a couple times, but this was would have been the first time I was with his friends/be on his turf, so I took extra care with my nails/hair/etc (since most of the women there would be competing, looking good and polished up).
That's the second time I've show up to a singles dinner all fabulous after prepping for a date that gets canceled. I'm afraid they're gonna start thinking I'm lying about these guys I'm going out with, lol.0 -
Glad you went out by yourself! That sucks that he cancelled...hopefully not trying to do the "pull away slowly thing so you don't have to have a talk." His excuse could be valid though.0
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It's too soon to tell. I might have let someone off the hook tonight and gone out like you did. But next time I saw the person I'd have wanted an explanation. Some things are just too painful to talk about as they happen. (I'm thinking losing a job, someone in the family hurt, just found out a friend is super sick).
He just may have needed time to process something big. If that's the case you didn't help, sorry.
If it didn't rise to that level, you got screwed. But we can't know until he comes clean.0 -
i had plans with a guy i was dating back in the fall. got a sitter and everything. well, he decides late that he "just can't go out tonight." i wasn't about to let that change anything. i needed a night out, and i had a sitter, and so i went out with a girlfriend.
he was annoyed that i went, but i didn't really care to be honest. it was HIS choice not to keep plans. and i'm not about to lose out because someone else changes their mind :-) i probably piss people off because of that, but it's my life i'm gonna do, what i wanna do :-)
i'm glad you went out too!!! definitely his loss. just stay cool. don't make it a big deal :-)0 -
I think you did everything perfectly. You told him you were dissapointed in not seeing him but still went out with the singles group. I would have been too harsh if you said that you would never see him again and broke it off with him right there.
I don't think it was the begining of the end unless he has done this before.
Next time you see talk to him as if he would like to talk about what was worrying him. He might be able to explain more and it will put your mind to rest.0 -
I don't think you were too harsh at all.
I can totally understand different aspects of life sometimes becoming overwhelming...where I get stressed and am not in the mood for a 'night out on the town'...but I think if I were in his shoes and I had someone making plans to hang out with me, I would maybe explain (like he kinda did) and then maybe not follow through with the original plans, but maybe do something more low key. Coffee...a movie...something like that, you know?0 -
He just may have needed time to process something big.
He told me the other day the news he's stressed about (something personal I'd rather not share online). I just don't think it's that big of a deal, and can't see how canceling a date would help. Because now I'd just disappoint someone I care about, which would only make me feel worse. Plus, if *I* were him, I'd *want* to be around my new love interest to take my mind off of it.
I must remember that everyone isn't like me, doesn't think like me. Especially guys.
He just texted me that he was sorry but that he knew he wouldn't be good company tonight and that he's learned it's best for his friends that he stays away when he's in these kind of moods.
I wrote back I admired how well he knew himself, understood needing to be alone sometimes, and wouldn't push him.
And yes, I resisted the urge to tack on something about how I wasn't gonna stop my life if he took forever to contact me, lol.0 -
^ guys get weird about stuff, especially ones who are hesitant about not appearing manly.
oneof my past ex boyfriends sort of did the same. turns out his dog of 15 years had passed away and since we were still in the beginning phases of the relationship he didnt want to risk crying in front of me and having me think he was a wuss. of course i didnt find this out until we had been dating for awhile and already knew he was on the sensitive side0 -
It looks like you handled it well then. I'm glad you stood up for yourself, and you did it in a classy way. That doesn't surprise my because you strike me as classy.
I'm sorry he blew you off. Hopefully he can grow as a person and learn to share more of himself. Being vulnerable and depressed are particularly hard for some men. Sounds like he wants to be his best self around you, he will have to learn you want to date the whole man good and bad if he has any shot with you.
In his mind he was probably trying to protect you from a bad time. I know that sounds stupid, but he didn't think it all the way through.
Best of luck.0 -
He just may have needed time to process something big.
He told me the other day the news he's stressed about (something personal I'd rather not share online). I just don't think it's that big of a deal, and can't see how canceling a date would help. Because now I'd just disappoint someone I care about, which would only make me feel worse. Plus, if *I* were him, I'd *want* to be around my new love interest to take my mind off of it.
I must remember that everyone isn't like me, doesn't think like me. Especially guys.
He just texted me that he was sorry but that he knew he wouldn't be good company tonight and that he's learned it's best for his friends that he stays away when he's in these kind of moods.
I wrote back I admired how well he knew himself, understood needing to be alone sometimes, and wouldn't push him.
And yes, I resisted the urge to tack on something about how I wasn't gonna stop my life if he took forever to contact me, lol.
It's all matter of perspective, give. That you already know what it's about, it might be a big deal for him. Just like you might feel bad about something and he doesn't see it as abig deal.
I'm thinking he may not have felt like being around you cause he didn't feel he could have a good time and be his usual self with whatever it is hanging over his head. Sometimes you don't want to be around people or feel like socialising.0 -
Nah,you were fair to him and yourself so what you did was perfectly fine in my opinion.
This will probably make you a bit miffed but this along with what you said last week about not wanting to take his shirt off because he wasn`t properly prepared makes me kind of unsettled about how grounded he is.
See if there is a pattern and if in the long run it will clash with your personality.0 -
nope not harsh.0
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Nope, not too harsh, just very honest. Even if you are in a relationship you will need time away from each other. And if you are at the start of one.you can't always share everything with each other (you don;t even do that in relationships thinking about it). You've been understanding and I think that's good - but you don't have to put your life on hold for a bloke.
Also, we deal with things differenty, someting that you might ot find personally uspetting, might be very upsetting for someone else. At least he's been honest, which I think is a good base to start with0 -
I think you were honest with the guy about your circumstances, which is a fair way to deal with your disappointment.
I dont really think anyone can judge someone elses reaction to something. So as much as you dont think his issue is a big deal, he does! That's all that matters really. You know, like some people think 2 + years later I should be over grieving for my mother (I get times when I can't go some place or not in the mood for company) but what do they know how i feel? (Probably a bad comparison but this happened to me recently so I'm recalling it for you)
Anyway, all I'm saying is people need support in times of stress, so try not to judge him or overthink the beginning of the end thing! He says he needs time, so give him time :flowerforyou:0 -
I don't even...
The person who said you were harsh, is it because you said you had to pay for the sitter?
Because from what you are saying, you're just stating facts (sitter still booked, sitters are expensive) and at no point did you blame your friend fro the cancellation (you even said: wish you were here) - so I can't even begin to think what the other person think you've done wrong (some people really like to dig dirt).0 -
I'll give it to you straight no chaser cause there is always enough coddling on these boards and your a grown azz woman.....
I don't think u were harsh enough. Time is precious to us all, given that I know that your a professional single mom and I don't even know you and this guy actually does, he should have been more considerate of your time to prepare, money spent on a sitter and just your overall willingness to hang out with him. Unless the guys issue is a MAJOR life crisis (cancer, death of a close family member, job loss) there is really no good excuse to TEXT (really text canceling? That's like something u do to jumpoff) at the last min. To cancel a date. That is very inconsiderate and he's probably setting a tone for things to come.
You seem like u may have a man's ego/mindset at times and a lot of times guys when they get dissed they just take it on as a challenge but really the dude is probably moving you down in his dating options order and if you accept it and take it for what its worth than that's cool but just know your definitely not in the 1#spot. A man would never cancel on the starter on his team like that, text cancels are for second stringers. If I were u I wouldn't go out with him anymore unless he kissed your a@@ promised To take you out somewhere spectacular and I would probably be an hour late. If all that happens than the text blowoff may have been an anomaly. But I doubt it. Good luck.0 -
The person who said you were harsh, is it because you said you had to pay for the sitter?
It's because I really like this guy and usually I don't like a guy enough to see someone more than once or twice. She's only seen me like someone that much 3 times in the 2 years she's known me. And she didn't want me to "blow it' with this guy two whose been around for 3 months now despite my heavy social schedule and often being out of town.A man would never cancel on the starter on his team like that, text cancels are for second stringers.
I think you're right about this... as much as I hate to admit it, especially since others on this board are having such a great time with discovering their perfect match, I don't think I'm this guy's priority.
That said... I'm always open to a profuse apology followed by an amazing night on the town. Lol.0 -
Definitely his loss. Definitely!0
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The person who said you were harsh, is it because you said you had to pay for the sitter?
It's because I really like this guy and usually I don't like a guy enough to see someone more than once or twice. She's only seen me like someone that much 3 times in the 2 years she's known me. And she didn't want me to "blow it' with this guy two whose been around for 3 months now despite my heavy social schedule and often being out of town.A man would never cancel on the starter on his team like that, text cancels are for second stringers.
I think you're right about this... as much as I hate to admit it, especially since others on this board are having such a great time with discovering their perfect match, I don't think I'm this guy's priority.
That said... I'm always open to a profuse apology followed by an amazing night on the town. Lol.
At the risk of offending everybody have to say that he seems overly sensitive to me,too much away from the man that makes a woman feel like a woman as everyone says they want.
Will this be acceptable to you for the long term Janie as you have expressed a desire for a man to make you feel like a woman?0 -
Will this be acceptable to you for the long term Janie as you have expressed a desire for a man to make you feel like a woman?
Just standing next to the guy makes me feel like a woman...hehe...even my friends keep commenting how neat it is to see me standing next to a guy that makes *me* look petite. I've never dated a guy whose size makes me look "normal" before. So that's one fantasy that's really hard to let go of. Even at my thinnest I was still broader than most guys. I know in 30 years it won't matter anymore but I love all the pictures of us in my cell phone because I look to him like other women look next to their men. And I crave that.
But physical enjoyment isn't everything... and I have to remind myself to look at personality and see if personalities are a good fit.0 -
Will this be acceptable to you for the long term Janie as you have expressed a desire for a man to make you feel like a woman?
Just standing next to the guy makes me feel like a woman...hehe...even my friends keep commenting how neat it is to see me standing next to a guy that makes *me* look petite. I've never dated a guy whose size makes me look "normal" before. So that's one fantasy that's really hard to let go of. Even at my thinnest I was still broader than most guys. I know in 30 years it won't matter anymore but I love all the pictures of us in my cell phone because I look to him like other women look next to their men. And I crave that.
But physical enjoyment isn't everything... and I have to remind myself to look at personality and see if personalities are a good fit.
I get that but it also amounts to nothing but a passing frill in your mind as far as his physical stature.
Such a thing is just terrible to swoon over as hard as it is to stop it.
The question is can his personality mesh with yours over the long haul.
Sorry to sound cold,part of the mood I am in and guess have grown somewhat protective of all the ladies here as silly as that is to do.0 -
Definitely not too harsh....0
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Sorry to sound cold,part of the mood I am in and guess have grown somewhat protective of all the ladies here as silly as that is to do.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!! Carl :flowerforyou:0 -
If I were u I wouldn't go out with him anymore unless he kissed your a@@ promised To take you out somewhere spectacular and I would probably be an hour late. If all that happens than the text blowoff may have been an anomaly. But I doubt it. Good luck.
This just made me laugh out loud!! :laugh:
I wish all guys thought like you Dave. Not met one that would kiss me a@@ in ..............well...........never!! :laugh:0 -
I thought you responded perfectly. But I agree that to cancel with a text was majorly suspect.0
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I think you handled yourself perfectly! Way to stay classy but assertive. I, also, agree that text cancels aren't a great harbinger of what is to come ... I hope it turns out well, though!
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He just texted me that he was sorry but that he knew he wouldn't be good company tonight and that he's learned it's best for his friends that he stays away when he's in these kind of moods.
I actually totally get this! Sometimes I get in terrible moods and I know if I hang around people I will get angry. I'll tell people "I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to take it out on you all."0 -
Sorry to sound cold,part of the mood I am in and guess have grown somewhat protective of all the ladies here as silly as that is to do.
Aw Carl! I adore you!!
As far as the whole the mood thing .. I totally get it. I am the same way. If you aren't an introvert .. its not something you would understand. That is why I am such a huge fan of texting. I don't see the fact that he texted it as suspect. Sometimes when I am like that I wish I could text in my food order instead of having to speak to a person .. it is that bad.
I will say, however, with my boy now .. he is starting to pull me a little bit out of this. But he is very patient with me and just keeps trying to pull out what my deal is. He also gets tho .. when I say I just don't want to talk about it, to stop.
Just another step in your relationship. But Carl is right .. it is something for you to consider if it will mesh with your personality in the long run. 0 -
I don't think you were harsh at all. You did better than I would!
Hopefully he comes around and apologizes.. if not, then there's someone even better out there for ya!!!0
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