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Does Super-Fast-Sizzle Always Lead to Super-Heartbreak?
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
Ok guys... on another thread I posted this which I didn't realize was gonna make some of the ladies sad. I know the people involved in the post, so I'm not gonna delete it... but please answer HeLovesMe's question... in your experience... when someone moves real fast (whether guy or gal) does it usually result in heartbreak?
It's because you are moving much faster than normal. Most guys who do this end up breaking the girl's heart in a big way.
If my friend were showered with gifts, facebook "relationshipped," told he was "in love" with her from the get go and started talking about moving after only knowing the guy for 2 months I would tell her to enjoy it while it lasts but prepare for a huge rude awakening down the road. More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear.
May not be true in your case. But that's what usually happens.
Is this really true?
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Gulp. I'm a scared. lol0
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It has in the past for me but let me explain.
When I first met my ex, he liked me. We were just teens. I wasn't into him at all and kept him as a friend. Fast forward to when we're 21 and 19... we see each other after 2 years being the last time we saw each other and I felt a BAM. He had grown up, got handsome, was in ministry, was pleasant and I was smitten. He on the other hand, rejected me as he wouldn't date any girl who had rejected him in the past (he was an ugly duckling). We became best friends while he knew I still had the hots for him. About 5-6 months later he fell- hard. He did a complete turn on me and went super duper fast. We couldn't be w/o each other. We even cried one night because he had to go home (it was like a 20 min drive :noway: ). I lost all my friends, so did he. We completely merged and we couldn't even think about being w/o each other. We were married 5-6 months later... Lived unhappily ever after until last year. :bigsmile:
My ex and I had a very codependent relationship. And in many codependent relationships, one of the red flags is moving too fast. It's unhealthy and most likely will lead to heartbreak or simply a miserable time.
But, I refuse to let that ruin any possibility that when you KNOW, you KNOW. There's a difference. It's healthy. You still have boundaries. You also know that although you really care about the person, you can live w/o them. But boy, you know it's something special from the very beginning. I have never had this happen until Smiley.
We are one of the "fast couples" on the board that you may be talking about. And it was fast for me too. But it truly was magical. I have never experienced this in my life. And if it dies, well then it just wasn't it. At the same time, what if it is??? I can tell my grandchildren that from the first second I layed eyes on their grand daddy, I was smitten and knew it was something special and how we couldn't take our eyes off of each other and our faces hurt from smiling so much. Smiley would tell you the very same thing.
OMG WHO IS THIS?!?! I swear I feel like Jekyll and Hyde...
So while I do believe what you're saying.. I also believe there can be exceptions, rare rare exceptions.0 -
I refuse to let that ruin any possibility that when you KNOW, you KNOW.
The last person who put me in my place about this a couple months ago, insisting that, at our age, we just KNOW, is back on the market. I'm glad they had fun, and hopefully they didn't get hurt too bad.
Not this time, lol… You answered my reservations about Smiley when you gave me the back story. ;-) but even Smiley is taking things more reasonably paced than my friend in the other thread.We are one of the "fast couples" on the board that you may be talking about.I can tell my grandchildren that from the first second I layed eyes on their grand daddy, I was smitten and knew it was something special and how we couldn't take our eyes off of each other and our faces hurt from smiling so much.
That would be so cool!!0 -
Gulp. I'm a scared. lol
Don't be scared... lol... I'm sure the guys will jump in here and tell you I'm just bitter. :flowerforyou:
Just enjoy your man, and don't worry!0 -
Not sexually, but emotionally yes, I agree. If he's immediately talking about love, kids, getting married and moving in together... well I usually just assume he's either 1) lying, saying what he thinks I want to hear or 2) clingy. Either way, get it away from me.
OMG WHO IS THIS?!?! I swear I feel like Heckle and Jeckle...
Do you mean Jekyll and Hyde?
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Not sexually, but emotionally yes, I agree. If he's immediately talking about love, kids, getting married and moving in together... well I usually just assume he's either 1) lying, saying what he thinks I want to hear or 2) clingy. Either way, get it away from me.
OMG WHO IS THIS?!?! I swear I feel like Heckle and Jeckle...
Do you mean Jekyll and Hyde?
Muahahaha.. I've been murdering words today.0 -
I refuse to let that ruin any possibility that when you KNOW, you KNOW.
The last person who put me in my place about this a couple months ago, insisting that, at our age, we just KNOW, is back on the market. I'm glad they had fun, and hopefully they didn't get hurt too bad.
Not this time, lol… You answered my reservations about Smiley when you gave me the back story. ;-) but even Smiley is taking things more reasonably paced than my friend in the other thread.We are one of the "fast couples" on the board that you may be talking about.I can tell my grandchildren that from the first second I layed eyes on their grand daddy, I was smitten and knew it was something special and how we couldn't take our eyes off of each other and our faces hurt from smiling so much.
That would be so cool!!
I'm glad we have your approval!!!
:bigsmile: 
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I was hoping the guys would really jump into this thread... the last time they were this silent was when I asked them to tell me if I was wrong with my comment on another thread "When they just want to get laid, they go for the older, uglier, heavy girls. When they want to find a girlfriend or wife, they go for the young beautiful (and often crazy!) girls."
None of them did. Which I took to mean that I was right more often than not. Not always, of course, because my mom has been happily married to her first post-divorce fling for over 20 years… and he’s 15 years younger than she.
So guys... should we take your silence as agreement? Lack of interest? Your way of telling me I didn’t bring enough sammiches…?0 -
I'm here. Just trying to consume the thread and get the jist of what is what..........actually speaking from experience I think super fast sizzling can be a good thing cause u need sexual chemistry, passion and high intensity to fuel the fire and get the relationship cooking. The key is do you have substance that will keep it going after the "newness" wears off cause we all knows it will.
Oh yeah I don't need a samwich just bring the cakes0 -
I was hoping the guys would really jump into this thread... the last time they were this silent was when I asked them to tell me if I was wrong with my comment on another thread "When they just want to get laid, they go for the older, uglier, heavy girls. When they want to find a girlfriend or wife, they go for the young beautiful (and often crazy!) girls."
None of them did. Which I took to mean that I was right more often than not. Not always, of course, because my mom has been happily married to her first post-divorce fling for over 20 years… and he’s 15 years younger than she.
So guys... should we take your silence as agreement? Lack of interest? Your way of telling me I didn’t bring enough sammiches…?
I'd say you're wrong on both accounts.
1st your looking to get laid scenario: If I were hypothetically at a party or bar looking to get laid, I would look for someone I'm attracted to, just like I would if I were looking for a relationship. Where it would get tricky is, can I find a willing participant that I'm attracted to. I had a pretty good amount of one night stands in my early 20's and let me tell you, they just happen. It's not like a lion stalking prey! Ya meet, your attracted, have a fun time and end up in bed together. Both parties want it and it happens. There is no bad guy... which is why typically people are disappointed in themselves and don't feel a victim the next morning.
2nd, the fizzle: Your thinking here is defensive thinking... who cares what happens most of the time, live life. Let's say one of these fast moving relationships burn up after 2 months... is that any worse than a 2 year relationship burning up, or a marriage??? In fact I would say it's better. Move at what pace feels right and go with the flow. There is no science to relationships.
That is my take.0 -
First thing is that it was sort of predicated as a "when did you stop beating your wife?" issue.
I know it was stated in the op that it was a question for guys and gals but the quoted posts isolated on it being (shockingly,I know) a thing a guy does that hurts women.
I know that was not the intent but starts us at a defensive position.
As to the question at hand I would suggest that both genders are as likely as the other to start fast,trust me have seen ladies do that too.
Is it more a female or male thing...I have no idea.
What has been sort of established in threads is that many to most ladies will move extremely fast in their minds to a deep relationship status.
There is also a first blush of excitement for both as the crush grows into an infatuation,a getting to know each other period etc.
It is inevitable to wane as time goes and I presume that is the point two folks move into a deeper relationship but if a lady is clinging to the euphoria of the crush she will likely read it as a guy not caring and be hurt.
It could be he has simply moved to the next phase faster.
That is not he same as if a guy/gal starts to completely ignore the other...that is a sign of no interest and I would guess that since a lady perhaps has realized in her mind a relationship and he only was exploring it then she probably will feel hurt although it is not a deliberate thing on either ones part.0 -
Only because you didn't take the time to find out who you were dealing with first. I don't think it always leads to heartbreak, but if you move fast, I think you better prepare yourself for disappointment.0
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In my experience, all relationships end up with somebody getting hurt, it doesn't matter how fast or slow you take things. Things always seem to settle after the lust/honeymoon phase is over, that doesn't mean it's the guys fault for leading her on.
Will some guys say pretty much anything to get laid? Probably.0 -
2nd, the fizzle: Your thinking here is defensive thinking... who cares what happens most of the time, live life. Let's say one of these fast moving relationships burn up after 2 months... is that any worse than a 2 year relationship burning up, or a marriage??? In fact I would say it's better. Move at what pace feels right and go with the flow. There is no science to relationships.
That is my take.
I love your take. lol.0 -
First thing is that it was sort of predicated as a "when did you stop beating your wife?" issue.
I know it was stated in the op that it was a question for guys and gals but the quoted posts isolated on it being (shockingly,I know) a thing a guy does that hurts women.
I know that was not the intent but starts us at a defensive position.
As to the question at hand I would suggest that both genders are as likely as the other to start fast,trust me have seen ladies do that too.
Is it more a female or male thing...I have no idea.
What has been sort of established in threads is that many to most ladies will move extremely fast in their minds to a deep relationship status.
There is also a first blush of excitement for both as the crush grows into an infatuation,a getting to know each other period etc.
It is inevitable to wane as time goes and I presume that is the point two folks move into a deeper relationship but if a lady is clinging to the euphoria of the crush she will likely read it as a guy not caring and be hurt.
It could be he has simply moved to the next phase faster.
That is not he same as if a guy/gal starts to completely ignore the other...that is a sign of no interest and I would guess that since a lady perhaps has realized in her mind a relationship and he only was exploring it then she probably will feel hurt although it is not a deliberate thing on either ones part.
Honestly, I agree with everything Carl has written here.
And my two cents on it mirrors this:2nd, the fizzle: Your thinking here is defensive thinking... who cares what happens most of the time, live life. Let's say one of these fast moving relationships burn up after 2 months... is that any worse than a 2 year relationship burning up, or a marriage??? In fact I would say it's better. Move at what pace feels right and go with the flow. There is no science to relationships.
That is my take.
Being in the beginning of something that is moving much faster than I am accustomed to, I am just living in the moment because it deserves to be cherished. I don't consider it wasting time any more than I consider my marriage a waste.
Besides, we could all die tomorrow. Let's just live for the moment, because tomorrow will come with it's own moments to live.0 -
In my experience, all relationships end up with somebody getting hurt, it doesn't matter how fast or slow you take things. Things always seem to settle after the lust/honeymoon phase is over, that doesn't mean it's the guys fault for leading her on.
Will some guys say pretty much anything to get laid? Probably.
Some women, too.
I don't think that there is a set formula for playing the game and I certainly do not believe that one umbrella covers all heads.0 -
Besides, we could all die tomorrow.
LOL .. I saw a sign over the weekend that said something like .. Don't take life too seriously, none of us gets out alive ..0 -
Besides, we could all die tomorrow.
LOL .. I saw a sign over the weekend that said something like .. Don't take life too seriously, none of us gets out alive ..
Exactly
Another quote for you:
"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does?"
Peter McWilliams
I missed the original posting, but if you're feeling the feelings and he is too? Go for it. Mark Twain says this even better:
"In 20 years, you will be more dissapointed by what you didn't do than by what you did."
Yes, there are always going to be people against it, some with very valid reasons. At the end of the day, it is your life and you must do what feels right or you will always look back and go "What If".
:flowerforyou:0 -
I missed the original posting,
It's the "friends are sabotaging" thread. His new gf's friends are saying he's not good for her, moving too fast. Unsure if they're saying that because some of them saying that are guys (jealous?) and I said it's because usually guys who do what he's doing break the girls heart in a big way.
I'm all for having fun... I just think we forget that 9 times out of 10 these kinds of things are just that... fun... and not lasting. If they lasted more often, I suspect few of us would still be single.
Thanks everyone for your inputs… you’ve given me a lot to think about.0 -
It's because you are moving much faster than normal. Most guys who do this end up breaking the girl's heart in a big way.
If my friend were showered with gifts, facebook "relationshipped," told he was "in love" with her from the get go and started talking about moving after only knowing the guy for 2 months I would tell her to enjoy it while it lasts but prepare for a huge rude awakening down the road. More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear.
1st, It takes 2 people to move at any pace...fast or slow. So let's stop with the constant beating up of the guys and maybe say hey ladies...take some responsibility for your part in all of this.
2nd, I am also getting tired of the assumption that he is doing it to get laid...newsflash, I can get laid any time I want. If I just want to get laid, you will know, because I will tell you all I want out of this relationship is sex. If that doesnt work for you I will move on.
When things move fast it is usually that getting to know you honeymoon phase and yes it is often great sex and that is the issue. Both parties confuse great sex with compatability. At some point we really start to get to know each other and one or both parties start to realize, this isnt the emotional relationship I am looking for and it does fizzle. Unfortunately this happens a lot with those that start off with a bang, because we do confuse that rush of endorphins for a deeper connection than is really there.
But to arbitrarily say it is because
"More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear." That just isnt fair or even correct.
Im now done with my rant
edited because it all ended up in quotes0 -
I think everyone pretty much agrees with you anyway JJ. Guys as much as ladies.
The synthetic answer is this:
You can't start lovin' each other for real before you have farted loudly in the same bed. Only then can you accept the other one for what he/she is truly.
Honeymoon period lasts about 3 months (longer for long distance relationships, so don't think you're past it if you're seeing each other once a week for 3 months), so before that you *definitely* haven't seen each other's true face (hell, if I'm honest, it truly takes years - but before 3 months there is too much lust involved and too much passion, and too much to discover).
Hypothetical scenario, imagine some girl meets the best in the world BUT he isn't romantic - would she be able to look past this and accept that nobody is perfect? Would this be a dealbreaker for her?
It sucks when the walls are crumbling and the masks are falling... But it's life!
So yep, you're right. Moving too fast AND thinking you're going to be alright coz' you know it deep inside is bollocks.
Funny thing, I realised my answer didn't reply to JJ's question at all. :laugh: But it might not be evil intentions from any part basically, you might end up disappointed "mechanically" as this is how relationships work (so not necessarily for: "More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear.").0 -
I sometimes think every situation out there can be spun to make men the problem. A couple gets married, spends 60 blissful years together then the husband dies from a long drawn out illness; leaving his wife all alone with a cavernous emptiness and the pain of watching a long drawn out painful death. I suspect the women would blame him for abandoning her because statistically speaking men have shorter life expectancies and he should have known it would end badly for her.0
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Honestly, I have only found this to be true when the woman mistakenly identified his actions as 'moving fast' when he was really just a better flirt than her and she was seeing what she wanted to see so badly and then got her heart broken when he realised she was in far deeper than he was.
OR when she played toooooo hard to get and he just had to get her even if he didnt want to- because she presented him with a challenge - o of course he wooed the hell out of her.
OR they get really close and they move fast and then all of a sudden, she shows her crazy.
You know what I mean. Two days before her period she is suddenly questioning everything about him, abotu her, she's getting random hormonally triggered emotions coming out and she's scrambling to assign them to any situation to be justified and he's like.... wait wait wait... why am I too good for you again? what? wait - isnt it my choice if youre the one i want to be with? no? wtf. fine. bye. - And the next day she's head*desking all day.0 -
I sometimes think every situation out there can be spun to make men the problem. A couple gets married, spends 60 blissful years together then the husband dies from a long drawn out illness; leaving his wife all alone with a cavernous emptiness and the pain of watching a long drawn out painful death. I suspect the women would blame him for abandoning her because statistically speaking men have shorter life expectancies and he should have known it would end badly for her.
sorry to mess up your hypothesis homie
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I think everyone pretty much agrees with you anyway JJ. Guys as much as ladies.
The synthetic answer is this:
You can't start lovin' each other for real before you have farted loudly in the same bed. Only then can you accept the other one for what he/she is truly.
Honeymoon period lasts about 3 months (longer for long distance relationships, so don't think you're past it if you're seeing each other once a week for 3 months), so before that you *definitely* haven't seen each other's true face (hell, if I'm honest, it truly takes years - but before 3 months there is too much lust involved and too much passion, and too much to discover).
Hypothetical scenario, imagine some girl meets the best in the world BUT he isn't romantic - would she be able to look past this and accept that nobody is perfect? Would this be a dealbreaker for her?
It sucks when the walls are crumbling and the masks are falling... But it's life!
So yep, you're right. Moving too fast AND thinking you're going to be alright coz' you know it deep inside is bollocks.
Funny thing, I realised my answer didn't reply to JJ's question at all. :laugh: But it might not be evil intentions from any part basically, you might end up disappointed "mechanically" as this is how relationships work (so not necessarily for: "More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear.").
So is it a good sign that my "friend" who treats me more like a "girlfriend" farted in front of me last Friday??? And Saturday morning when we woke up??? I felt like I was married again 0 -
OR they get really close and they move fast and then all of a sudden, she shows her crazy.
You know what I mean. Two days before her period she is suddenly questioning everything about him, abotu her, she's getting random hormonally triggered emotions coming out and she's scrambling to assign them to any situation to be justified and he's like.... wait wait wait... why am I too good for you again? what? wait - isnt it my choice if youre the one i want to be with? no? wtf. fine. bye. - And the next day she's head*desking all day.
This goes back to all women are bat **** crazy....to be fair I guess some men are as well.0 -
OR they get really close and they move fast and then all of a sudden, she shows her crazy.
You know what I mean. Two days before her period she is suddenly questioning everything about him, abotu her, she's getting random hormonally triggered emotions coming out and she's scrambling to assign them to any situation to be justified and he's like.... wait wait wait... why am I too good for you again? what? wait - isnt it my choice if youre the one i want to be with? no? wtf. fine. bye. - And the next day she's head*desking all day.
This goes back to all women are bat **** crazy....to be fair I guess some men are as well.
Hormones, they're a b***h.0 -
Personally, I don't do things to intentionally hurt someone. If I say it, do it, or show a desire for something, it's because I do. But, I can't speak for everyone else, and I wouldn't try to associate my situation with someone else.0
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So far..0
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Ok guys... on another thread I posted this which I didn't realize was gonna make some of the ladies sad. I know the people involved in the post, so I'm not gonna delete it... but please answer HeLovesMe's question... in your experience... when someone moves real fast (whether guy or gal) does it usually result in heartbreak?It's because you are moving much faster than normal. Most guys who do this end up breaking the girl's heart in a big way.
If my friend were showered with gifts, facebook "relationshipped," told he was "in love" with her from the get go and started talking about moving after only knowing the guy for 2 months I would tell her to enjoy it while it lasts but prepare for a huge rude awakening down the road. More than likely he's only doing for show, or ego, upset an ex, or some other ulterior motive. And hot sex. And once that itch is sufficiently scratched, he will likely disappear.
May not be true in your case. But that's what usually happens.
Is this really true?
I wasn't going to respond to this, in fact, I was considering just leaving the group after being called out like this, but I like y'all and frankly this is not a proper depiction of me at all. And since this entire thread is about me, I figure it is time for me to own it.
I was frankly, a very happy single man. I got laid when I wanted (actually more often than I ever did when I was married or in a committed relationship) and I travel the world having fun. I met a great woman through Match.com and from the start told her I wasn't in a hurry to commit. We spent time together, cuddled, kissed, enjoyed each other's company. She has many great qualities. But...
She and I have very different theological beliefs. She needed someone who was comfortable not being sexual. She has a young son (he's awesome, but something that I had to really think about since I know I'm not a great role model). And, well, I could keep going on about things that I considered. She's great, I'm great, but we're not great together. I decided we'd be great friends and every time we went out, I made it clear we were just friends.
Months pass...
God works in mysterious ways. I am still going about my life, doing my thing, which is usually busy/fun/here/there. In an instant, something amazing happened. I met a woman that just blew me away. I'm 46 years old and I can tell you that I'm not new to chemistry and hormones. My eyes are wide open and I see what is what. She isn't what I envisioned, but it turns out, she's what I needed. We speak the same language. And while our FB is the best of us, we are both comfortable talking and dealing with the worst of us (we're just not sharing that in a public forum).
We are planning a future together. Planning, thinking, talking. Neither of us likes the distance between us. So, we are wanting to have a clear path to being together that fits our needs and those of our children. Our gravity is shifting each other's orbit a little. She's thinking of moving a little, I'm thinking of moving a little. I'm falling short of calling that a compromise because I know that we'll both be happier as a result.
I have no intention of hurting her. I am in love.
Things I never thought I needed are now my priority. This woman changed me and guess what? I'm happier than I've been in decades. If a friend can't accept that, well, then they aren't my friend. If they think I'm a bad man (because I am a man) and going to hurt a woman, they are sadly mistaken. My girlfriend has earned my admiration, my adoration and I will give my all to her because, she's worth it.
I don't do things in public in spite of other people. I do things in public because I am myself. My username on here is my real name and my profession (and also my email on gmail and yahoo). While I know this is the Internet, I consider you all my friends. I'm not single (I have a beautiful girlfriend), but I still enjoy the camaraderie here. If/when I marry this woman, I'll extend an invite to all of you to the wedding/reception (open bar :drinker: ).
I am terribly sorry that I earned a thread here. I want to be part of a group, friends. Not a topic. I thank all of you that understand where I'm coming from. I'm 100% committed to this woman and I will treat her well.0
This discussion has been closed.