Friends come... Friends go...

mrmanmeat

For whatever reason, sometimes you have to cut your ties with certain people. I'm young, 28, and I've come to realize that nothing lasts forever except taxes

As you've gotten older, have you had to lose friends, cut ties or just grown apart?
What qualities do you look for in someone to put up with their bs in exchange for friendship?

I just had to pretty much write off one of the best friends I've had for the last 7-8 years - we're both going down different roads socially (he's still a partier/drinker 4-5 nights a week) and apparently according to his ex gf (my best friend) just too inconvenient for him to hang out w/ me.

When I'm in the city he lives in I try to always hang out. I'll admit I haven't always, but I at least let him know I'm around and check in. He's been this way a few times in the last few months, never knew.

I'd say I have 1-2 best friends, and 3-4 extremely good friends that I can always count on. I'm cautious about who I consider a good friend though.


And, I put this here b/c I like you guys, and I don't like some of the snot rockets in the chit chat today lol.

poncho33

For whatever reason, sometimes you have to cut your ties with certain people. I'm young, 28, and I've come to realize that nothing lasts forever except taxes

As you've gotten older, have you had to lose friends, cut ties or just grown apart?
What qualities do you look for in someone to put up with their bs in exchange for friendship?

I just had to pretty much write off one of the best friends I've had for the last 7-8 years - we're both going down different roads socially (he's still a partier/drinker 4-5 nights a week) and apparently according to his ex gf (my best friend) just too inconvenient for him to hang out w/ me.

When I'm in the city he lives in I try to always hang out. I'll admit I haven't always, but I at least let him know I'm around and check in. He's been this way a few times in the last few months, never knew.

I'd say I have 1-2 best friends, and 3-4 extremely good friends that I can always count on. I'm cautious about who I consider a good friend though.


And, I put this here b/c I like you guys, and I don't like some of the snot rockets in the chit chat today lol.

I wouldn't say I completly cut ties with people, but I'll typically invest the same amount of time into them as they do to me. I can usually pick right up where things leave off with friends so I don't get too mad if they go MIA for a bit. It was much easier in HS and college to just stop by people houses and hangout... now there are more variable involved with everyone, now that were older at least.

Steelheart7

I had a girl friend from the 6th grade all the way up until I was about 30. She had a child and let that child run her and her house. She didn't discipline him .. she was miserable in her marriage and all she did was complain to me about it, but when he was around she treated him like he was a king, she did nothing to change it. One day her son threw a truck at my son and hit him in the head with it and put a gash above his eye. She laughed. She didn't yell at her child or even take the truck away from him, didn't apologize ... nothing. She laughed. We left and I haven't really spoken to her since.

More recently I had gotten to be really good friends, or so I thought, with a couple of ladies here at work. I started this site and they started with me actually. They stopped doing it and just all the sudden stopped talking to me.

The older I get, the more I realize people just plain suck.

oddyogi

I actually don't have a best friend. I have a lot of good friends though.

The military does that to ya I guess.

I do have a lot of friends that I can not talk to for months, and then we'll talk again, and it's like nothing's changed.

I'm happy as long as I have friends. Doesn't matter how long they've been my friend.

mrmanmeat

For whatever reason, sometimes you have to cut your ties with certain people. I'm young, 28, and I've come to realize that nothing lasts forever except taxes

As you've gotten older, have you had to lose friends, cut ties or just grown apart?
What qualities do you look for in someone to put up with their bs in exchange for friendship?

I just had to pretty much write off one of the best friends I've had for the last 7-8 years - we're both going down different roads socially (he's still a partier/drinker 4-5 nights a week) and apparently according to his ex gf (my best friend) just too inconvenient for him to hang out w/ me.

When I'm in the city he lives in I try to always hang out. I'll admit I haven't always, but I at least let him know I'm around and check in. He's been this way a few times in the last few months, never knew.

I'd say I have 1-2 best friends, and 3-4 extremely good friends that I can always count on. I'm cautious about who I consider a good friend though.


And, I put this here b/c I like you guys, and I don't like some of the snot rockets in the chit chat today lol.

I wouldn't say I completly cut ties with people, but I'll typically invest the same amount of time into them as they do to me. I can usually pick right up where things leave off with friends so I don't get too mad if they go MIA for a bit. It was much easier in HS and college to just stop by people houses and hangout... now there are more variable involved with everyone, now that were older at least.

Right, I can usually do the same. With this last friend, it's just not worth it to me to try and pick up where we've left off. I've asked him numerous times to come down for a weekend, when we do hang out, we have a blast. It sucks too, because it does appear that I'll be moving sometime in the near future, and I'm not even sure I'd invite him to a going away shingding if I had one.

My roommate, for example.. He and I picked up golf around the same time. He's still a bad golfer. Bad slice, can't putt, can't chip. He won't take any of my advice. Now I'm not Tiger Woods, but I can shoot in the 80-90's over and over. I've offered to help him fix his slice, but he won't listen to me.

Now, I just watch his ball sail into the woods and I wait for my turn. I watch him throw his club a time or two. On that aspect of our friendship, I'm done.

JThomas61

I actually don't have a best friend. I have a lot of good friends though.

The military does that to ya I guess.

I do have a lot of friends that I can not talk to for months, and then we'll talk again, and it's like nothing's changed.

I'm happy as long as I have friends. Doesn't matter how long they've been my friend.

^ This, I have military friends from all over the world. They come and go, but I never cut ties. They pop up in unexpected places when your are least expecting it.

Mom2rh

I think most of the friendships I've had have just drifted due to proximity or different places in life or whatever.

My STBX, however, has had several good friends "break up" with him in very direct, "I will never talk to you again, you selfish *kitten*" type ways. :noway: I took me a bit longer to get to that point. But his behavior is consistent.

I have found, through facebook and other ways, that when I reconnect with people I had been close to in other times of my life, that we can pick up where we left off and it's good.

christine24t

As you get older I think you're less willing to put up with bullish!t friends and such. I dumped a friend a while back because I realized she's a bully. If felt so good to finally get rid of that toxic stuff!

llahairdna

I actually don't have a best friend. I have a lot of good friends though.

The military does that to ya I guess.

I do have a lot of friends that I can not talk to for months, and then we'll talk again, and it's like nothing's changed.

I'm happy as long as I have friends. Doesn't matter how long they've been my friend.

^ This, I have military friends from all over the world. They come and go, but I never cut ties. They pop up in unexpected places when your are least expecting it.

I agree with this. I was a military wife and spent three years overseas, so I met a lot of people from all over. Some I talk to regularly and some sporatically, but we always catch up eventually.

AnnaPixie

For whatever reason, sometimes you have to cut your ties with certain people. I'm young, 28, and I've come to realize that nothing lasts forever except taxes

As you've gotten older, have you had to lose friends, cut ties or just grown apart?
What qualities do you look for in someone to put up with their bs in exchange for friendship?

Yep, as I've gotten older I dont put up with any BS at all. I distance myself from people that persistently hurt me, even my family recently.

Dont get me wrong, this doesnt happen often, I'm highly tolerant of human behaviour. But the 4 or 5 times that I've distanced myself from close friends/family it's been a conscious decision as their words/actions have dragged me down to the point of no return.

I think if someone persistently causes you more bad feeling than good, then you have to move on :flowerforyou:

dbrightwell1270

Most times I think life jst happens and due to jobs, family, etc. that people just drift and go their own ways. I can only think of two times I really intentionally dropped friends. One got addicted to drugs and had me take him on a drug run by telling me needed a ride to his landlord's place to pay rent. He started snorting coke in my car on the way home. The other one was a friend who was 20 that got caught with a case of beer and told cops I bought it for him. He had a fake ID and didn't want to get busted for that too.

I'm like you in that I have one or two great friends. The both live hundreds of miles away and I only see them a few times a year but it's like we pick up where we left off. I have a couple more friends that we hang out a few times a month and help each other out when needed.

poncho33

For whatever reason, sometimes you have to cut your ties with certain people. I'm young, 28, and I've come to realize that nothing lasts forever except taxes

As you've gotten older, have you had to lose friends, cut ties or just grown apart?
What qualities do you look for in someone to put up with their bs in exchange for friendship?

I just had to pretty much write off one of the best friends I've had for the last 7-8 years - we're both going down different roads socially (he's still a partier/drinker 4-5 nights a week) and apparently according to his ex gf (my best friend) just too inconvenient for him to hang out w/ me.

When I'm in the city he lives in I try to always hang out. I'll admit I haven't always, but I at least let him know I'm around and check in. He's been this way a few times in the last few months, never knew.

I'd say I have 1-2 best friends, and 3-4 extremely good friends that I can always count on. I'm cautious about who I consider a good friend though.


And, I put this here b/c I like you guys, and I don't like some of the snot rockets in the chit chat today lol.

I wouldn't say I completly cut ties with people, but I'll typically invest the same amount of time into them as they do to me. I can usually pick right up where things leave off with friends so I don't get too mad if they go MIA for a bit. It was much easier in HS and college to just stop by people houses and hangout... now there are more variable involved with everyone, now that were older at least.

Right, I can usually do the same. With this last friend, it's just not worth it to me to try and pick up where we've left off. I've asked him numerous times to come down for a weekend, when we do hang out, we have a blast. It sucks too, because it does appear that I'll be moving sometime in the near future, and I'm not even sure I'd invite him to a going away shingding if I had one.

My roommate, for example.. He and I picked up golf around the same time. He's still a bad golfer. Bad slice, can't putt, can't chip. He won't take any of my advice. Now I'm not Tiger Woods, but I can shoot in the 80-90's over and over. I've offered to help him fix his slice, but he won't listen to me.

Now, I just watch his ball sail into the woods and I wait for my turn. I watch him throw his club a time or two. On that aspect of our friendship, I'm done.

I've had a few that I will never talk to again... not cause I'm mad at them but all the work of maintaining the friendship is on me and I'm just not going to put in that much effort. To be honest life moves on and I don't really miss them... kind of like ex girlfriends, if a memory or something comes up, you think about them and then move on.

Hahaha, sounds like he golfs like Happy Gilmore!

MissingMinnesota

I have grown apart with some friends but never said "I will never be friends with you again". Usually it is because our lives go in different directions. Most of the ones I had in my teens and early 20s have married and had children so after awhile that is what their lives revolve around. Me I am still single and don't plan on having kids so we don't have a lot of the same interests that we used to have.

Every once in awhile I think "Who would I have for a bridesmaid if I was getting married today". This is kind of how I determine who my close friends are. If I wouldn't want them in my wedding then I pretty much consider them more of an acquantance then a friend.

pa_jorg

As people get older I find a lot of friends come and go just because of distance, interests, family, relationships, etc. Most of the time you lose contact slowly over the years when phone calls turn into emails and then emails become sporatic until you realize you haven't connected in a long time. That happens and sometimes I feel bad but most of the time I understand.

However, I did have a good friend a while back that I intentionally cut out (although I never said that either, it was just my decision not to contact her). I started to dread seeing her and she always relied on me to make the plans and go out of my way to see her since she didn't drive, plus she'd never offer to pay things like tolls if we went anywhere. It wasn't worth it after a while, so I stopped making the effort. Every now and then I'm disappointed by it but most of the time I think I made the right decision. And I also remind myself that some of my newer friends are more suited to what I need now and that might not have happened if I was spending so much time focusing on someone who wasn't offering a real friendship in return.

mznisaelaine

I have always been the type to just have a "few" friends. I was never into being friends with everyone. I had lost a fee friends who u thought they were my friends but they are obviously so different from me. It seems people tend to take advantage of me since I'm the type to go above and beyond for someone if they are my friend, so I had to make decisions to just not be friends with that personally. Overall, I just prefer a few friends if that.

flimflamfloz

Yeah.

It's one of these things I've realised quite late actually (probably about 26-27 y.o.) because I'd tend to "never let my friends go" before.
But then some of them just became different people, live in different countries. I just can't keep in touch constantly... It's just impossible.

Now? I just give the best of me to these new people I meet, and it's awesome (rather than hanging to your past).

Meghan0116

I don't have a difficult time cutting ties with friends because I have been hurt enough to realize I don't deserve that. The first time I had to learn this lesson was with my best friend from high school. We had been friends for 7 years when she started dating this guy and he didn't like me because I took time from her. He made up a bunch of lies about me and she believed them.

She has contacted me since they divorced and we may have a drink now and again but I will never let her back in my life for real.

We have to make these decisions sometimes for basic self-protection.

scapez

There was a girl that I literally grew up with, she lived across the street from me and we were best friends through high school. When we got a little older, she turned into one of those "I must be friends with everyone" types and as she found new friends, she kind of forgot about me. I literally hurt for years over that.

Anyway, eventually we fell out of touch and went separate ways. She moved to a different state. We hadn't talked for years.

She came back to town for a death in the family and we got together a few nights. Honestly, we had fun. Caught up and all that good stuff. Exchanged numbers.

When she got back home, we would talk on the phone...but then things turned for the weird. She sort of regressed, in that she wanted to be my "best friend" again...but as far as I was concerned, I really didn't know her anymore and I certainly couldn't resume that level of a friendship that had been dismissed more than a decade before. She had lots of issues, addiction, etc. and she wanted me to be there for her for support, which I was willing to do, a little, out of respect for our past, but eventually I had to set her loose because she was so emotionally clingy. She literally was sucking the life out of me.

I still wonder what happened to her...

Natx83

The guys I'm best mates with I've known since grade 5. We weren't always best friends but that's when I first knew them. All through high school we all hung out and we still do now. There have been a few that have vanished though.

Nerple

The guys I'm best mates with I've known since grade 5. We weren't always best friends but that's when I first knew them. All through high school we all hung out and we still do now. There have been a few that have vanished though.

I'm sort of the same way, most of the people I hang out with on a regular basis I've known since third grade. When we were that young, Me and two friends were almost inseparable. I am still good friends with one, but another I haven't seen in 8 years, and haven't heard from in about 5. Oddly I still keep in touch with his sisters.

None of my friends from college live nearby so I keep in touch with them almost exclusively through facebook/email/etc. But only keep in touch with a couple people from home via the internet regardless if they are still close or on a different continent.

sunnymel126

Friends do come and go... as of last year I had to let go of some people who I felt were poisoning my life. I felt they were bullies or just not supportive. My mom died a couple of years back and I guess it made me realize life is just too short to deal with that. I want friends to lift me up and be fun.

The toughest for me was giving up my best friend since 5th grade. She would literally laugh at certain things I brought up in this condescending manner. If there was a guy I'd think was attractive or something she laughed at me like saying he's too good for you. You'll never be with someone like him. It honestly hurt me not because of the guy but because she didn't think HIGHLY of me. She would never side with me on anything... it was always the opposite. I was always wrong. Somewhere inside she just didn't make me feel good. I think she always thought she was better than me or something. But as one person put it to me I was like her barbie doll she wouldn't play with but when someone else would come along this jealous side of her would come out. I started being close with other friends and it infuriated her. I knew I couldn't keep the friendship so I kind of just broke off communication slowly. I haven't heard from her in a long time. But I'm happy with my decision.

Now I'd say I have six really good supportive friends. I don't know if it's all the praying I did for good friends... but they certainly came to me. I feel blessed.

maria1113

I actually don't have a best friend. I have a lot of good friends though.

The military does that to ya I guess.

I do have a lot of friends that I can not talk to for months, and then we'll talk again, and it's like nothing's changed.

I'm happy as long as I have friends. Doesn't matter how long they've been my friend.

I'm the same but I'm not in the military

castadiva

Sometimes, even with people you were close to at one point in your life, your paths just become so divergent that you have little in common any more. That's when you find out whether or not the friendship is going to last. I have a few past friends who I just don't see/keep in touch with any more (and I don't miss) and another I'm trying to gently ease away from at the moment - our interests and views have just become too different, and I often feel when I spend time with her that she is judging me, which doesn't make it attractive to get together for brunch, or anything else, for that matter! I will always care about her as my friend from a particular point in my life, but I'm not going to be fussed if we aren't in contact any more, and I'm not likely to invest any energy in maintaining a link. Other friends I can not see or speak to for years, and yet we pick right back up as soon as we see each other, despite having very different lives/views/opinions/experiences - they're the ones I will always make time for, and for whom I would come in a flash, no questions asked, if they needed me.

I think friends can basically be divided into two groups - the friends of circumstance and the real soulmates. Occasionally, but not often, the two overlap. For example, the nature of my job means that I work with a lot of different people very intensely for around six weeks at a a time. Some great relationships get formed, and a lot of fairly surface 'friendships' spring up - you're in a strange city, and it's nice to have people to go to dinner with, and there is, at least, the common ground of a shared profession. Consequently, I have a lot of 'friends'/colleagues who I keep in touch with from time to time on facebook, but that's about the limit of it. If I never see some of them again, it won't bother me. A few others really connect - there's a real 'simpatico', and even if we see or speak to each other very rarely, those people will always be people I care about and will want to see, even if it means going out of my way to make it happen.

swimmchick87

Ha, I'm only 24 and I could say the same thing. I moved across the country for a job 2 years ago. I've made friends here and I have people to hang out with, but as someone else said they're more "friends of circumstance." I'm moving for a new job (although this time, only a few hours away) soon, and I can honestly say I don't think I'll be terribly sad about leaving them. We might keep in touch some, but I don't see us going back and forth for visits frequently or anything like that. I think we'll try for awhile, but it will fizzle and I don't think I'd be that upset. Funny that we're on the singles board- one of the reasons I don't think I've ever gotten "super close" with any of them is the fact that they're all in serious relationships (some even married w/ kids), and their lives just revolve around that. One of my co-workers is great and I love her company, but she brings her 2 year old daughter (who pretty much commands her full attention every second) EVERYWHERE. Even to happy hour after work- if I'm at happy hour I want to have conversations with other adults, not be oohing and ahhing over everything the 2 year old does. Another who is probably my "best friend" locally, is around my age but she brings her b/f everywhere...again, even to something like a work happy hour. Even if I start off just doing something with her, he always ends up meeting us. I don't think he's a bad guy, but he's not a mutual friend at all and it makes situations very awkward. I've been drifting away from this friend because of it.

In college, at first I kept up with several (probably about 10) friends from high school. We saw each other constantly on breaks. At one point around junior year, I just got completely sick of all of the immaturity and drama. This may be stereotyping, and is certainly not true of everyone...but many of them stayed at home with their parents and commuted to school, and I felt like as a result they never "grew up" like those us who had to be more independent/left our hometown did. True story: At one point over Christmas break, we were all planning a few get-togethers. We usually made a facebook event so we could all make specific plans on that. Two of our friends who were twin sisters had created an event for a New Year's Eve party. On this same event wall, they started talking about another event that they wanted to do a different day. My best friend created a fb event just for that, and mentioned we could plan that event there (since it was hard to get people to respond on a different event's wall) and the NYE party on the original event. About half of our group, including the twin sisters, was "offended" that we had "taken her event." She was leaving for a study abroad and apparently planning these events was very important to her. They stopped all communications and refused to come to any more "events" that break- I only found the reason later when they wanted me and my best friend to apologize. When you're starting ridiculous drama over a fb event, you are not worth my time! I haven't really talked to any of them since then other than to be polite if I happen to see them in my home town. One of the twins even deleted me from fb!

From college, I have kept in touch somewhat, but it's hard b/c we all live in different parts of the country and don't have a common "hometown" like I do with friends from HS. I still talk to a few girls sometimes over fb or text. I went to a small private college where greek like was HUGE, and it just wasn't something I wanted to participate in. Most people were too caught up in their sororities to make friends outside of that, so I only had 3-4 really close friends in college.

I've kept in touch with my best friend from HS through everything...including us going to different colleges and now living several states away from each other. We talk on fb chat pretty much every night. I make it back to my hometown about 4 times a year and we always hang out several times then. She also flies out here every summer for a week, and I go stay with her on one of my work breaks in the winter each year. We're as close as if we were still in HS together. I guess you know that's a true friend...and I feel fortunate to even have one. There are 2-3 others I keep in touch with when I go home, but I only put in what time they're willing to put into the relationship.

mrmanmeat

Ha, I'm only 24 and I could say the same thing. I moved across the country for a job 2 years ago. I've made friends here and I have people to hang out with, but as someone else said they're more "friends of circumstance." I'm moving for a new job (although this time, only a few hours away) soon, and I can honestly say I don't think I'll be terribly sad about leaving them. We might keep in touch some, but I don't see us going back and forth for visits frequently or anything like that. I think we'll try for awhile, but it will fizzle and I don't think I'd be that upset. Funny that we're on the singles board- one of the reasons I don't think I've ever gotten "super close" with any of them is the fact that they're all in serious relationships (some even married w/ kids), and their lives just revolve around that. One of my co-workers is great and I love her company, but she brings her 2 year old daughter (who pretty much commands her full attention every second) EVERYWHERE. Even to happy hour after work- if I'm at happy hour I want to have conversations with other adults, not be oohing and ahhing over everything the 2 year old does. Another who is probably my "best friend" locally, is around my age but she brings her b/f everywhere...again, even to something like a work happy hour. Even if I start off just doing something with her, he always ends up meeting us. I don't think he's a bad guy, but he's not a mutual friend at all and it makes situations very awkward. I've been drifting away from this friend because of it.

In college, at first I kept up with several (probably about 10) friends from high school. We saw each other constantly on breaks. At one point around junior year, I just got completely sick of all of the immaturity and drama. This may be stereotyping, and is certainly not true of everyone...but many of them stayed at home with their parents and commuted to school, and I felt like as a result they never "grew up" like those us who had to be more independent/left our hometown did. True story: At one point over Christmas break, we were all planning a few get-togethers. We usually made a facebook event so we could all make specific plans on that. Two of our friends who were twin sisters had created an event for a New Year's Eve party. On this same event wall, they started talking about another event that they wanted to do a different day. My best friend created a fb event just for that, and mentioned we could plan that event there (since it was hard to get people to respond on a different event's wall) and the NYE party on the original event. About half of our group, including the twin sisters, was "offended" that we had "taken her event." She was leaving for a study abroad and apparently planning these events was very important to her. They stopped all communications and refused to come to any more "events" that break- I only found the reason later when they wanted me and my best friend to apologize. When you're starting ridiculous drama over a fb event, you are not worth my time! I haven't really talked to any of them since then other than to be polite if I happen to see them in my home town. One of the twins even deleted me from fb!

From college, I have kept in touch somewhat, but it's hard b/c we all live in different parts of the country and don't have a common "hometown" like I do with friends from HS. I still talk to a few girls sometimes over fb or text. I went to a small private college where greek like was HUGE, and it just wasn't something I wanted to participate in. Most people were too caught up in their sororities to make friends outside of that, so I only had 3-4 really close friends in college.

I've kept in touch with my best friend from HS through everything...including us going to different colleges and now living several states away from each other. We talk on fb chat pretty much every night. I make it back to my hometown about 4 times a year and we always hang out several times then. She also flies out here every summer for a week, and I go stay with her on one of my work breaks in the winter each year. We're as close as if we were still in HS together. I guess you know that's a true friend...and I feel fortunate to even have one. There are 2-3 others I keep in touch with when I go home, but I only put in what time they're willing to put into the relationship.

Yeah, you're right, you've got the one real good one from HS. I think the closest I have from HS is my roommate. Aside from his inabilities as a roommate, I'd go visit him if he lived elsewhere. I'd invite him to be in my wedding too, if that should happen lol.

My best female friend from HS, we're not close anymore. We're FB friends, but after we tried the dating thing, we went our own ways. I wish her the best, but I miss the friendship of 15+ years.

Tropical_Turtle

I am not really the BFF type but I do have friends and I am cool with that. But if I find a friend is too incredibly toxic in my life - they have to go. I do not need any excess drama and grief in my life.

Sometimes cutting ties is not a bad thing. That is when you know for sure it is time to keep moving forward because some prefer to be frozen in time.

In the end you will always know who your friends are