Losing weight and men looking at you - bringing up fears.

Kebby83

I don't know about anyone here, but my weight really protected me from men. In my head, and physically I had a layer to protect me from their advances. It helped to a point - I mean, I got married, divorced and married again while fat so obviously fat doesn't = ugly, but I felt protected from sexual advances.

Now I am 155. Which is over 100lbs less than I have been in the past. Guys look at 155lb girls in the eye - did you know that? And they say "hi" and want to stand near and chat. When did that start? When I was 250lbs you didn't have the time of day, bucko, and it was just fine with me.

I was raped as an older teen (18) and I was sexually abused as a child. As an 18 year old it was that I wanted attention - I was thin, pretty and wanted everyone to know it and I feel/felt like that's what got me into the mess I got in to - and I was a drunken party girl who chose to go alone with a guy to a private place. Now if a man looks at me I want to hide. Not that I assume every man is a potential rapist and nor should I - but it makes me nervous because when can you know?

How do you deal with losing weight when they weight, in your mind at least, protected you from being physically assaulted? Anyone else deal with this?

Apryl546

I never thought it protected me.. Because at the time I was 7.
Gaining weight helped me into thinking guys wouldn't want to do things with me, which kept me single for most of my teen years and early adult life. (it's still early, but thankfully I have a guy who completely understands.)
Losing the weight I have so far has greatly helped me in my confidence. I'm more happy with myself. Sure I still don't really have friends, and I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, but it's a struggle I might have to work with for he rest of my life.
I'm not going to allow my fears to control me anymore. I'm taking control of me.

BlessedMomX2

I was abused for 13yrs by 3 different "family" members, when I became a teenager I purposely over ate so I could become fat. I thought to myself, I must be too pretty, thats why they hurt me. I thought fat equaled ulgy and if I was ugly maybe no one would want to hurt me anymore (I was wrong). Since then I have a hard time thinking of myself as thin and the thought of attention from strange men, terrifies me! So much for the longest time I wanted to stay fat, just as a way to protect myself. I am just learning how to over come those fears, though it is hard. So you are not alone

brandiuntz

As I've lost weight and gotten healthier (and regained a nice body), men have started noticing me again. I have my anxiety moments when strangers are friendly all of sudden.

I remind myself they are just being friendly, not planning an attack. Being overweight didn't really protect me, it was just another unhealthy coping mechanism.

So, I have my brief anxious moment, acknowledge it, then move on. I take the friendliness as a compliment. It is nice when someone thinks you're attractive, even if they don't have a snowball's chance in hell.:laugh:

icimani

I think my weight gain was a way to be invisible, to not be noticed. So for me, being noticed by either men or women brings up some anxiety.

salemnye

Hmmmm. Men still look at me. Gaining weight gave me a bigger bosom. It happened when I was 5 at first but I can't remember if I was a normally healthy weight or overweight. I remember from then on i was a "fat" child so perhaps I was eating more. Our mother brought us to "support groups" which did nothing for me (not sure about my sister) and we'd eat out at some fast food place (my mother took us out a lot as kids ) so that had me gaining weight.

Then some time I was 11 on a greyhound bus.

Then 14 by my uncle when I thought I was fat (140...had my pooch of a stomach...my stomach is where ALL the fat goes ¬_¬). So being overweight didn't necessarily help me.

But I am a bit more afraid of losing weight and having people look at me. I sometimes find it flattering if I find that I'm attracted to the man but I hate how older men look at me like that. All of my abusers were 40+ year old men. The man on the bus was maybe 60? So I still have some issues and I believe I always will

rachellosesitall85

I get sudden anxiety when this happens. My situation is strange, because after years of being conservative there was a period I started to seek attention. I was a virgin(by most standards), but I would wear low cut or tight tops. However, I felt like I had control over the attention. I would flirt but would never go all the way. But the moment a guy showed me attention (even as a larger woman) that I did not intentionally seek...which could've been me just walking through a grocery isle, I would panic. I still get those mini panic attacks, and I'm still extremely scared to drop the weight because if guys hit on me now as a larger girl, I know when the weight comes off they will. I know I can protect myself now, but subconsciously I still feel safer as the majority of men wouldn't try to hit on me because I'm large. I recognize this behavior and I'm ready to heal and just deal with it as it comes. My health is deteriorating because of this and I can't let more years of hiding and wanting to feel invisible affect it.

jkprof

I read a lot of the posts below and it makes me incredibly sad for us all. Myself included--here are some things i think about when with a partner in an intimate relationship;
if the person loves you they will love you in your body (regardless of what it looks like)
a lot of sexual abuse survivors are either hyper sexual or repressive and neither is healthy
certain sub groups (black men for example--which i've dated) are more accepting of body variation
certain other sub groups (lesbians--who i prefer) are also more accepting of body variation
generally if i am with someone i truly love and attracted to i do not give a damn what i or they look like and if i've done the hard work of building a relationship of trust the rest falls into place.
questions i ask myself:
is this person healthy for me overall (long term material)
am i lonely and is that why i want this attention (flirt, intimacy, etc.)
how is the CSA impacted by my decision making (in this moment)

And finally: my body is a gift and it is precious and i will take care of it regardless if i am single, dating, intimate, celibate, sexual, not sexual, because it is mine and i'm responsible to take care of it in ways i could not as a child or young adult. Now, because i was not taught those skills I am relearning them and applying them daily.