Marriage Builders Concepts

JanieJack

The marriage builders concepts showed me very clearly where I needed to improve in relationships. I know most of the vocal members on the board aren't interested in marriage, but these concepts will also help LTRs. Here is my summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. This is my summary. I will post a reply with a condensed version of his FULL article which you can find here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Inspired by this thread: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/615447-why-are-you-not-a-catch?page=3#posts-8869834


- We each have a love bank and everyone deposits or withdraws love units from their accounts through their words/actions.

- Any destructive natural instincts and learned habits can be replaced with ones that make love bank deposits and avoid withdrawals

- To stay in love you must learn about and meet most of each other’s important emotional needs in a way that fulfills your spouse and is enjoyable for you, too.

- To counter busyness and apathy that destroys marriages, set aside time every week to give each other undivided attention to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment

- Eliminate Love Busters (demanding, disrespectful, angry, annoying, independent and dishonest behaviors that make love bank withdrawals)

- Adhere to the policy of radical (not mean or disrespectful!) honesty so you can understand each other and make the adjustments that are crucial to happiness.

- Understand each of us has a Giver (makes others happy at our expense) and a Taker (makes ourselves happy at others expense). These two primitive aspects of our personality are usually balanced in our dealings with others, but in marriage they tend to take turns being in charge.

- Understand how when things are great and we’re in the “State of Intimacy” our Giver often does stuff/makes decisions that ultimately make us unhappy, thus causing our Taker to rise up in anger. When this “State of Conflict” doesn’t resolve the issue, a “State of Withdrawal” results.

- Marital instincts do not lead to fair negotiation. They either lead to giving away the store (State of Intimacy) or robbing the bank (State of Conflict). A rule to guarantee that no one gets hurt, the ultimate goal in fair negotiation, is the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

- Guidelines for Successful Negotiation (it’s not all about compromise- you BOTH have to feel good about the decision)

JanieJack

JJ's Quick Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
A condensed version of his FULL article which you can find at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html


Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank
Within each of us is a Love Bank. Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts. Enough deposits triggers the feeling of love. Enough withdrawals (love busters) triggers hate.

Basic Concept #2: Instincts and Habits
Instincts are behavioral patterns that we are born with, and habits are patterns that we learn. We can learn (develop habits) to make Love Bank deposits and stop making withdrawals. Instincts are harder to stop than habits, but they can both be avoided.

Basic Concept #3: The Most Important Emotional Needs
You fell in love with each other because you made each other very happy, and you made each other happy because you met some of each other's important emotional needs. To stay in love you must continue to do this, first by learning those needs and then meeting them in a way that fulfills your spouse and is enjoyable for you, too.

Basic Concept #4: The Policy of Undivided Attention
As soon as most couples marry, especially when children arrive, couples usually replace their time together with activities of lesser importance, and try to meet each other's needs with time "left over." To combat this, set aside time every week to give each other undivided attention (min 15 hours a week, to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment).

Basic Concept #5: Love Busters
You and your spouse were born to be demanding, disrespectful, angry, annoying, independent and dishonest. These are normal human traits destroy the feeling of love spouses have for each other. By eliminating Love Busters, you will not only be protecting your spouse, but you will also be preserving your spouse's love for you.

Basic Concept #6: The Policy of Radical Honesty
[Honesty] is one of the ten most important emotional needs, so when it's met, it can trigger the feeling of love. Its counterpart, dishonesty, is a Love Buster. Honesty is crucial in creating love because it is the only way you will ever come to understand each other and make the adjustments that are crucial to happiness. Honesty is an unpopular value these days.

Basic Concept #7: The Giver and Taker
Have you ever thought that your spouse is possessed? One moment he or she is loving and thoughtful, and the next you are faced with selfishness and thoughtlessness. I call the two sides of our personalities the Giver and the Taker. The Giver's rule is do whatever you can to make others happy and avoid anything that makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. The Taker's rule is do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. These two primitive aspects of our personality are usually balanced in our dealings with others. But in marriage they tend to take turns being in charge.

Basic Concept #8: The Three States of Mind in Marriage
When we are in love and happy, we are usually in the State of Intimacy. That state of mind is controlled by the Giver…flawed agreements made in the state of Intimacy can lead to our own unhappiness. When we start feeling unhappy, our Taker rises to our rescue and triggers the State of Conflict. The Taker also encourages us to be demanding, disrespectful and angry in an effort to force our spouse to make us happy. Fighting is the Taker's favorite "negotiating" strategy. When fighting doesn't work, and we are still unhappy, the Taker encourages us to take a new course of action that triggers the State of Withdrawal.

Basic Concept #9: The Policy of Joint Agreement
Marital instincts do not lead to fair negotiation. They either lead to giving away the store (State of Intimacy) or robbing the bank (State of Conflict). And in the State of Withdrawal, no one even feels like negotiating. A rule to guarantee that no one gets hurt, the ultimate goal in fair negotiation, is the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

Basic Concept #10: Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.
Guideline 2: Identify problem from both perspectives with mutual respect
Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon
Guideline 4: Choose solution that best creates mutual and enthusiastic agreement

oddyogi

I can't read right now cuz I am kind of drunk. Will return later. For now, I am heading to work out. :drinker:

P.S. JJ, I think you are perfect the way you are! hughughughughughug

poncho33

This looks to require more thought than I have put into 29 years of life!! Cliff notes please!!!

dbrightwell1270

These sound nice in theory but I am not sure how well they can play out in practice, particularly #9. I can see several very imprtant situations where there is very little room for both parties to be happy with the outcome. For example, wife is pregnant (unplanned). One spouse wants to have a baby, other spouse isn't ready. Neither will be overly enthusiastic with the outcome. The couple lives very close to one spouse's friends and family. This is ideal for the spouse with community ties. The other spouse feels left out or like the friends and family are less than polite, respectful, etc and would prefer a greater distance from them. Either you stay there or you move. Either way, one spouse is unlikely to be fully supportive of the outcome.

AnnaPixie

Thanks for sharing Janie. I can see how relationships would be almost perfect with this utopia.

I think the conflct comes when both partners are in a 'taking' mode. In that situation someone always has to compromise to 'keep the peace' so 'taking turns' with the giving and taking doesnt always work with such harmony.

But yeah, in theory, it should work like that.

Not sure why 'independance' is a love buster though! I believe in retaining some independance in a relationship, otherwise you can suffocate each other becoming so codependant you can't cope on your own. But hey, that's probably why I'm not married! :bigsmile:

Tropical_Turtle

Thanks for sharing Janie. I can see how relationships would be almost perfect with this utopia.

I think the conflct comes when both partners are in a 'taking' mode. In that situation someone always has to compromise to 'keep the peace' so 'taking turns' with the giving and taking doesnt always work with such harmony.

But yeah, in theory, it should work like that.

Not sure why 'independance' is a love buster though! I believe in retaining some independance in a relationship, otherwise you can suffocate each other becoming so codependant you can't cope on your own. But hey, that's probably why I'm not married! :bigsmile:

Anna I think you hit the nail on the head for me too as to why I am not married - I just cant imagine being so co dependant on someone. It would I think almost kill me to rely on someone. Oh wait it might also be my trust issues too :laugh:

Carl01

Don`t get too hung up on the specifics but notice the concept...there is no the guy needs to do this,the lady needs to do that,it is talking about having a mutual partnership of trying to respect the other.
It takes work from both people equally.

JanieJack

I think the conflct comes when both partners are in a 'taking' mode. In that situation someone always has to compromise to 'keep the peace' so 'taking turns' with the giving and taking doesnt always work with such harmony.

Dr. Harley says one of the big problems in relationships is that often (not always) people do just that... they compromise. And it seems like the same partner keeps compromising. And eventually they get bitter and resentful because they feel like they're doing all the work and getting none of the benefit. Then their Taker takes over and the other spouse (who thought they had a great relationship all this time) gets caught off guard.

One of the things I really like about his theory is that it emphasizes mutual respect where you work to minimize the amount of "compromise" and seek for the maximum amount of win-wins possible.

The other thing I really like is he takes away the "you have to love me the way I am, so now I can change into this evil ugly creature and you just have to deal" attitude. While people do (and should!) change as they age, the couple should seek to spend quality time together doing the things that created romantic love in the first place.

AnnaPixie

I think the conflct comes when both partners are in a 'taking' mode. In that situation someone always has to compromise to 'keep the peace' so 'taking turns' with the giving and taking doesnt always work with such harmony.

Dr. Harley says one of the big problems in relationships is that often (not always) people do just that... they compromise. And it seems like the same partner keeps compromising. And eventually they get bitter and resentful because they feel like they're doing all the work and getting none of the benefit. Then their Taker takes over and the other spouse (who thought they had a great relationship all this time) gets caught off guard.

One of the things I really like about his theory is that it emphasizes mutual respect where you work to minimize the amount of "compromise" and seek for the maximum amount of win-wins possible.

The other thing I really like is he takes away the "you have to love me the way I am, so now I can change into this evil ugly creature and you just have to deal" attitude. While people do (and should!) change as they age, the couple should seek to spend quality time together doing the things that created romantic love in the first place.

yeah, I agree. It's always one person that compromising while the other person takes :huh:

It definitely takes TWO dedicated people to make this work. I totally agree that that is what it takes to make a great relationship. TBH I'm just not so sure I've ever found someone as dedicated to the relatonship as I am! Therein lies the problem

But yeah, it's a great theory if you can find someone to work it with :flowerforyou:

dbrightwell1270

I think the conflct comes when both partners are in a 'taking' mode. In that situation someone always has to compromise to 'keep the peace' so 'taking turns' with the giving and taking doesnt always work with such harmony.

Dr. Harley says one of the big problems in relationships is that often (not always) people do just that... they compromise. And it seems like the same partner keeps compromising. And eventually they get bitter and resentful because they feel like they're doing all the work and getting none of the benefit. Then their Taker takes over and the other spouse (who thought they had a great relationship all this time) gets caught off guard.

One of the things I really like about his theory is that it emphasizes mutual respect where you work to minimize the amount of "compromise" and seek for the maximum amount of win-wins possible.

The other thing I really like is he takes away the "you have to love me the way I am, so now I can change into this evil ugly creature and you just have to deal" attitude. While people do (and should!) change as they age, the couple should seek to spend quality time together doing the things that created romantic love in the first place.

yeah, I agree. It's always one person that compromising while the other person takes :huh:

It definitely takes TWO dedicated people to make this work. I totally agree that that is what it takes to make a great relationship. TBH I'm just not so sure I've ever found someone as dedicated to the relatonship as I am! Therein lies the problem

But yeah, it's a great theory if you can find someone to work it with :flowerforyou:

I think the bolded comment is an interesting take that may be contradictory to the point. My take of JJ's summary (as well as my interpretation of your comment - which could be completely off base) is that you weren't dedicated to the relationship as much as you were dedicated to making peace in the short-term. As a result, you conceded things that were important to you rather than stand up for them. It caused resentment to build up and eventually doomed the relationship.

AllanMisner

This looks to require more thought than I have put into 29 years of life!! Cliff notes please!!!

I agree. Reading this made my head hurt.

Cliff notes version: Know what you want, communicate, agree on a path, have fun, repeat.

JanieJack

This looks to require more thought than I have put into 29 years of life!! Cliff notes please!!!

I agree. Reading this made my head hurt.

Cliff notes version: Know what you want, communicate, agree on a path, have fun, repeat.

That WAS the short version. I'm a bit concerned for the long-term relationship potential of anyone who couldn't get through my first post... not all of us have the earning power or beauty to garner a partner that lets us have it our way. Temporarily, sure... but not for decades.

Actually one key thing missing from the "cliff notes version" is truly know what your partner wants. Most people know what they want, and THINK they know what their partner wants... but are wrong. Either they aren't listening or their partner isn't communicating.