Focusing on the important stuff

sarahkatara

Hi guys! I wanted to take a minute to talk about how important it is to focus on things other than our appearance, food, and weight while going through our respecitive journies. We all are on different journies, with much the same goal- to understand and love ourselves as we are now and also for what we are becoming. After the scale stalled for me beginning in February, I had to make the decision to keep on going with the lifestyle changes I had made regardless of their effect (or lack of effect) on my weight. This was a huge turning point for me, as this is the part in my journey where I would normally revert back to my old habits. See, I was a classic weight cycler, really- I would lose weight, make good changes to my eating and exercise habits, and then either stop seeing results or tire of trying to keep track of what I was doing, and return to my old ways. I never lost a lot of weight. Maybe 3-5 pounds over the course of a month or two. The studies that prove that tracking what you eat leads to more weight loss and lasting success are right on. When I joined MFP, I had motivation to keep going. I could see the changes in myself in more ways than just what I was eating. I watched myself do things I never thought I would. I started with Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred in my first month (I killed it!), lost about 5-7 pounds, and was more determined than ever to push myself to my limits RESPECTFULLY. I listened when my body needed to rest but I didn't hold back in my workouts. I saw results. Most of all, I FELT different about myself. I felt competent, was starting to feel pretty strong in my body, and was learning to enjoy food in the healthy, moderated way. It was so differen than any other time. So by the time February rolled around and I had lost 19 inches and was feeling even better, I knew that I was on the right track in more ways than just, "I am losing weight steadily". My mind was on track, my body was happy and I was feeding it well, my moods were beginning to stabilize (I'm bipolar, for my new friends who may not know), and I was self- aware and strong enough to say, "I will continue regardless of what the scale does." Since then, I tried many things to break the plateau. I have: zig-zagged calories, changed macros, exercised more, exercised less, tried really high-protein, blah blah blah. But through all of this I have never felt deprived or unhappy. I've become frustrated at times but that is normal. I want the number on the scale to go down but more and more I am seeing results that throw the notion that the number matters upside down and shows me that what I am doing- training hard to reach fitness and aesthetic goals (the looks come after the fitness part though)- is the right thing and will eventually give me all the results I want and more. I am eating well, recognizing areas of opportunity to improve in my life, which includes my diet and exercise (which also helps regulate my bipolar, making it that much more vital), and am even looking at myself more and more in other ways. It's helping my relationship with Penguin (my fiancee :smooched: ) grow and change in good ways, even though it can be uncomfortable at times. I am becoming more and more what I believe to be my genuine self. I feel connected to who I am, what I am doing in life, and how I'm getting there. I have never felt this way. Even since recovering from my anorexia, I've never felt "right" about my body. It's never been what it "could" be, what I want it to be, or what I'm comfortable with. Since starting this journey with a perspective of losing weight but also concentrating on HOW I am getting there and the things that come along with it, I feel, FINALLY, beautiful in my skin. There are things I would change but I like- no, I really REALLY like- my body. And I'VE MADE IT THE WAY IT IS! Hard work and dedication and a desire to love myself for who I am at any size, shape, or arbitrary point in time, have led to where I am now. It's a new, unfamilar place but one that feels RIGHT and that I'm quickly settling into and enjoying!

What has changed for you guys since beginning your journey? Whether it's weight loss, eating disorder recovery, weight gain, maintenance and fitness, or even just self-awareness, what is different in your life, good or bad? I can't wait to hear from all of you!

vzucco

Sarah, it's so great to read your story. We are similar in several ways, I think. I became anorexic early in high school mostly due to mental health issues and thankfully recovered over the next few years. However, I did not have a nutritionist supporting me, and my parents were only happy to see me eating. I began binge eating just one massive meal a day and my mom worried that saying anything would trigger me back to not eating at all. So I gained about 100 lbs in one year, my senior year of high school.

Since then it's been yo-yo crazy. The only time I managed to keep my weight healthy and balanced without much thought was when I was living in New York. I walked everywhere and my college had a lot of healthy food options. I have always loved healthy food. I had a roommate who would gag if she ate a vegetable unless it was smothered in cheese or something, that's not the case for me.

Even though my weight was stable, I drank quite a bit, and smoked, and ate pizza like college kids do. But the weight just stayed right where it needed to be without any thought. I think the key then was an active lifestyle. I didn't go to the gym but I walked miles and miles every single day, and I worked in a bookstore where we were not allowed to sit down. I wasn't totally healthy then, but I was finding a life that could actually work.

After I moved back to Alabama I started to gain a lot of weight back, maybe 60 lbs. I would diet for a while, mostly South Beach, which works for a while but is so restrictive and insane that the second I stopped doing it I would dive for a bowl of queso dip. Once I got back into my clothes I would think "Okay, it's over now, I can eat normally and not think about this diet crap anymore." I would start eating larger and larger portions and watch my weight, my body is pretty nice in that it takes a while for it to respond with a gain. But eventually the scale would start moving up so I'd just ignore it. And gradually gain it all back. And then go on a crazy restrictive diet again... etc, etc.

There's more to it, mental health issues, stress, inactive lifestyle (desk job), the prevalence of terrible, terrible food in the South... but overall, my main issue was not being able to stick to anything once I reached my goal weight or size. Not to mention the fact that I never, ever exercised. I have never been fit or an athlete. I am that kid in the corner of gym class with a book in her pocket while she's getting pelted with kickballs. MFP has taught me the importance and difference exercise makes, both physically and mentally. And as my goal is overall health and well-being, I am now incorporating some sort of exercise into my daily routine.

This time I believe I will be successful because I am approaching this as something completely different. I have been living this way for about 9 months and I have had some periods of relapse and lots of bad days, but now I have an understanding of what I should be doing to make myself sane and healthy. I'm back to a healthy BMI and I'm recognizing that my body is my ally and I should treat it with respect. I am now working on being more prepared, organized, and active.