what do you think?
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christine24t
Posts: 6,064 Member
I saw a great question on Dear Prudence that I thought was really interesting.
Question: I met my fiancé at a house party. I was there with my best friend, who happens to be gorgeous. He began talking to us and kept talking to me after my best friend left. We made plans to hang out later, and over the next three months our friendship evolved into a wonderful relationship. Recently my fiancé and his good friend had a falling out, and in an act of spite his friend forwarded me a series of emails from around the time we first met. By reading them I learned that, initially, my fiancé only spent time with me because he wanted to have a shot with my best friend. He called me plain, repetitive, and mildly annoying. I know those aren't harsh criticisms, and that they come from the first few days of our friendship. But I'm still upset, because those are my worst fears about myself, and it hurts to know that the person I'm marrying thought those things about me too. My fiancé couldn't be more apologetic, and he's been very sweet and reassuring to me since I received the emails. (He didn't say those things out of hand, they were answers when his friend asked him about me.) I know he loves me so much. I still can't put those emails out of my mind, though—what can I do to get back to being a happy bride-to-be?
If you want to see Dear Prudence's answer go here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/06/dear_prudie_i_just_found_out_my_fianc_originally_wanted_my_best_friend_will_i_get_over_this_.html
But my question is: Would you ever be able to forget this if this happened to you? Would it doom your relationship? Or would you be able to move past it?
Question: I met my fiancé at a house party. I was there with my best friend, who happens to be gorgeous. He began talking to us and kept talking to me after my best friend left. We made plans to hang out later, and over the next three months our friendship evolved into a wonderful relationship. Recently my fiancé and his good friend had a falling out, and in an act of spite his friend forwarded me a series of emails from around the time we first met. By reading them I learned that, initially, my fiancé only spent time with me because he wanted to have a shot with my best friend. He called me plain, repetitive, and mildly annoying. I know those aren't harsh criticisms, and that they come from the first few days of our friendship. But I'm still upset, because those are my worst fears about myself, and it hurts to know that the person I'm marrying thought those things about me too. My fiancé couldn't be more apologetic, and he's been very sweet and reassuring to me since I received the emails. (He didn't say those things out of hand, they were answers when his friend asked him about me.) I know he loves me so much. I still can't put those emails out of my mind, though—what can I do to get back to being a happy bride-to-be?
If you want to see Dear Prudence's answer go here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/06/dear_prudie_i_just_found_out_my_fianc_originally_wanted_my_best_friend_will_i_get_over_this_.html
But my question is: Would you ever be able to forget this if this happened to you? Would it doom your relationship? Or would you be able to move past it?
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Have you or anyone here not found a person to be annoying but when getting to know them better changed their opinion and became fast friends?
That was then and this is now so let go (not talking to you here but a general response) of the insecurities and let the thing flourish.0 -
I would move past it. He obviously loves me now so I would take him at his word that he loved me and forget about those e-mails.0
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Yeah. My first impressions aren't always spot on, and I can grow to love someone. I also understand that I can be a bit overwhelming at first too, and people grow to love me. Absolutely. The person we should be upset at is the douchetool that forwarded the emails!0
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He lovers her for sure.....
Or it's just a really awesomely planned Barney Stinson type plan of destiny to bag the hot friend.0 -
I know this is not romantic interest but an actual friendship but when I was in Jr High I did not like the girl that would end up being my best friend and college roommate we will call her S.
For some superficial reason that only jr high girls can come up with I thought she was not up to the standards my friends should be since she lived in the trailer court and did not wear matching clothes.
Fast forward to freshman year of college. I went to one college and my current best friend, call her A, went to another. Well my A then started hanging out with S and I thought she was trying to steal my friend away. The next year I transfered colleges and was roommates with A and was "forced" to hang out with S. Our friendship grew from there were S and I were hanging out without A more often then not. We ended up being roomates until she got married a couple years after college and I was the maid of honor in her wedding. We aren't as close as we used to be since she is married with 3 kids living in CA while I am single and childless in NC but we can still pick up the phone and talk like we saw eachother the day before.
So long story short first impressions might not be the best and it sometimes it takes actually getting to know someone to have a relationship grow as both people change.0 -
I'd be pretty upset at first too because it would be easy to keep questioning things. However, eventually, I'd like to think I'd step back and be OK.
What a douche of a "good friend" to send that message to her any way! Isn't there some type of guy code he just broke, geez?!0 -
Truthfully, I'd look at the motivation behind the emails being sent. And be mad at the right person. It's good her fiance is no longer friends with a vindictive petty guy.0
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So long story short first impressions might not be the best and it sometimes it takes actually getting to know someone to have a relationship grow as both people change.
That is a very good point.
I might be a little angry about the plain comment if someone said that to me, but I understand that I don't have the easiest personality to get along with sometimes. I could forgive the others comment, but the "plain" comment would be hard for me to forgive. Like the writer of the letter said that is a huge cause of her insecurities, and that is one of mine too.
But sometimes actions speak louder than words, so if he did treat me like a queen, it would be much easier to forgive. The part I would struggle with is the going for my friend, and winding up with me.0 -
It'd suck because I'd like to think that my fiance's first impression of me was magical (if it were me). Not that I'm annoying and plain...
But still, if he's doing a great job reassuring her and so forth, I'd believe him and not worry about the emails. Obviously at one point, I got to be NOT so annoying. :bigsmile:0 -
If the guy bought me a ring and got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, I'm pretty sure that would outweigh the fact that he thought I was "mildly annoying" when we first met.
He loves her in spite of her flaws. What more does she want from him?0 -
I can see that being a hurtful shock initially but I would get over it pretty quickly. I doubt she thought every single thing about him was perfect and she was going to marry him after that first encounter.0
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what we think we want, and what we actually want and need are two totally different things. he WANTED the hot chick, but what he really wanted and needed was the girl that he befriended, dated, proposed to and is marrying........
i think i would be upset, more at the ex- friend that felt the need to forward those emails :-( but, i would be able to get past it no problem. :-) after all, he chose ME!!0 -
She'll get over it but it sounds like the former friend needs a punch in the throat.0
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She'll get over it but it sounds like the former friend needs a punch in the throat.
yep!0
