he/she would like me if I weren't so fat
Vodkha
Posts: 352 Member
I don't know if any of you have been following my thread but I am starting to realize that I think I am in this situation. I do not believe this is a lack of self confidence but rather of me being realistic about how I look.
Have you ever gotten along with someone so well and you know that if you weren't so large, that he/she would probably be into you?
I'm not bummed out by this realization actually, it is motivating!
Have you ever gotten along with someone so well and you know that if you weren't so large, that he/she would probably be into you?
I'm not bummed out by this realization actually, it is motivating!
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Replies
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Yes. I think that sometimes because I know I have a good personality and am funny - I have friends so clearly I'm some kind of a catch, but my body is getting in the way. When people get to know me, they like me, but my body isn't the best attention sign for men right now. It's kind of a downer for me because I'm really struggling right now.0
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I am struggling as well, but realizing this tonite has really burned a fire under by butt! I am going to miss out on so much if I continue down this path!0
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I think you have to look at it both ways.. No matter how big or small you are.. attraction is based on how confident and charming they are.. I also think personality plays in it as well. Also, everyone is attractive to certain skin color and body types... My opinion. I'm attactive to many different body types.0
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No matter how hot someone is, someone, somewhere, is sick of their *kitten*!
Personality is always going to play a major role in any of my relationships. I dont care if you look Jessica Alba, if you have the personality of a gold fish and the people skills of a pitbull I dont want anything to do with you.
Of course as the general society that skinnier is better, if you are "thinner or smaller" the range of people whom are attracted to you will increase I guess.
I took home someone on the weekend who even said to me, that I look better than I did 10yrs younger, she probably wouldnt have gone near me back then... I dont hold that against her either... Would I date somone that thought that of me in the past, probably not, but doesnt mean I cant have fun
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Have you ever gotten along with someone so well and you know that if you weren't so large, that he/she would probably be into you?
No, I have never been in that situation, since I think the reasons with me are the kind that cannot be changed, unfortunately :ohwell:0 -
Like I said in your other thread, battering your self esteem isn't constructive to anyone! Or a good reason for anything!
Look at couples walking down the road and tell me they are all slim and I'll believe that attraction is all about being slim! But clearly it isn't!!!
There are plenty of fat people in relationships........millions, in fact......:flowerforyou:0 -
I don't know... "Physical attraction" really helps for the first few times (even the first time) you interact with someone, from there it just keeps becoming less and less important.0
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If someone is basing their liking you based on your body, then you certainly do not want to be with them in the first place. The right one will come for you eventually.0
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If I get it in my head that I was dimissed because of a phyisical trait, I always assume it either my height or my birthmark first. And I can't do anything that I am not already doing about those so I've learned to accept that. Though it bothered me alot when I was younger. I was in denial about how overweight I was until I started going to the gym out of boredom and losing weight from that, so weight issues often never entered my head.0
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I have thought that before, many times actually. Then I really started to look around me. Like Anna said, not women or men in a relationship are small. I see large women with thinner men and vice versa. While Nat is also right, that fitter people probably do have a larger dating pool, that doesn't mean they have any better luck.
Attraction does happen based and looks and then personality. If this guy doesn't want to date you because of your weight, then he isn't work your time. Because you may lose another 20 lbs. but your personality will be the same. That is what should matter now.0 -
I do feel your pain. I'm a very active but still overweight female attracted to men who are also active as well. The problem is that I don't look ANYTHING like what most of the guys I would want, would be attracted to. So I become every guy's best friend. Most of my guy friends tell me how awesome I am, that they can't believe I'm single, blah blah, but none of them ever felt anything but friendship for me...
I have had one guy who I think really WANTED to like me because there was so much chemistry, but eventually even he just let it slide into friend mode.
I say all of that because there is some truth to it but also recognizing that no matter what my weight, it didn't really change, so as much as I want to believe it's weight..... welll.....0 -
I think there are people who won't want to date you solely because of your size. However, I think that is true regardless of your size. There are people who would date you now who wouldn't be interested in you if you lose 20-30 more pounds. This may sound contrary but I think blaming dating problems on your weight may actually be harmful to a goal of losing weight rather than motivation. I think that because most people know damn well that the real problems they have in relationships have little or nothing to with their weight. It is an easy crutch to blame for any or all other shortcomings. Once the weight is gone, so is the imaginary reason for all your troubles. What are you going to do 20-30 lbs from now when you still can't get some guy you like to be interested in you?0
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I'm not at my desired goal yet but I'm definately closer. I feel so much better in my skin.
Weight loss has helped by:
Confidence confidence confidence! My confidence went way up. You can tell just by the way I smile more and dress.
I'm more active therefore have a stress relief which means less stress, less worry leaving more room for fun, smiling, etc.
As far as guys are concerned, I'm more than positive that 80% of the guys I dated would have not given me a 2nd look had it been 2-3 years ago. I'd say 95% actually! No offense to the guys at all.. I'm just being honest. I don't think Smiley would have been interested in me at all. One date I went out with a couple of times, used to be heavier. He showed me his old drivers license and it looked like a completely different person. I would have passed him up for sure! (being honest)
Weight loss has NOT helped me by:
My insides are still the same. I still have the same insecurities I had when I was 55lbs heavier (to a point). I still wonder if I'm good enough, etc etc.
Though I'm confident in my body overall, I still hate certain parts of it like my tummy. In other words, I want more. I'm not satisfied. I will compare myself to other women or say "Oh I wish I looked like that!"
I think weight loss definately helped me. I did it during the perfect time (right before divorcing and during). What you're saying about a guy who might not be interested due to your weight could be true. I think FL wasn't fully attracted to me due to my extra 20lbs. I honestly do.
Smiley has mentioned how my body right now is good with the "little extra" it has because he doesn't like boney women. He likes the softness but he also said one time (because I made a joke about how he liked soft curvy girls so that meant I could probably gain a good 50lbs and he'd be okay with it) that he likes a nice *kitten* not a big *kitten*. (ouch!)
In the end, you want someone that loves you for you, just as you are. But before that, we need to love ourselves just as we are! So do whatever you need to do to improve, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, etc so that you can get to a place where you truly adore yourself (I'm still working on it obviously!) then you can allow someone to do the same.0 -
Yes, I worry about this more than I would like to! I have been putting myself out there (i.e. dating sites, etc.) for several months now, but it took me a long time to even take that step because of this mental hold up. I'm still a work in progress in all aspects - mentally, physically, emotionally - so I hope this feeling will ease soon. If nothing else, every time I get a message on PoF, it makes me feel slightly better about the direction I'm heading in.0
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Even though I have a tendency to think this way, I don't have a problem in the dating world.
If you exude positive self image and that you love yourself regardless of your flaws, people will naturally be drawn to you.
Besides, if someone is unhappy with the way you presently look, then they are not the right person for you right now. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself that they'd be interested in you if you were thinner, hotter, blonder, more athletic, more outgoing, blah blah blah, they probably aren't going to be. We are constantly evolving physically and spiritually. You can't always blame your weight for people not wanting a relationship with you. You have to look deeper.
Also, I've been told that I have 'such a pretty face' and 'if you'd only lose weight, you'd be mine, I wouldn't let any other guy near you.' I understand and it SUCKS but once you look deeper into it, do you really want that person in your life as an SO? Sometimes too I think it is a cop out on their part because it is much easier to tell a person I don't want you right now because of this than it is to say I don't think we'd get along in a relationship.
Your weight struggle is never going to just up and leave but the person may. Find someone who appreciates you for you and understands that you are improving yourself but that it is a struggle. Finding a person who supports your efforts and ambitions is much more successful than finding someone who has never had to workout a day in their life and only likes you because of what you look like.0 -
I think a similar way, but I know it's not actually my weight that is the problem but how I view myself. I know people who by size are far larger than I or who are completely different than I - and it's more of a personal confidence & self body image issue than how I actually look.0
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in all honesty I was treated the same on both sides of the fence. in school I was thin and weighed 125 pounds and the guys treated me the same as they did when I was 300+ pounds. a real man would go by the heart of a person and their personality not by weight. that is one of the reasons I always like the underdog the quiet shy guy with his pocket calculator as opposed to that football playing jockey.0
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i don't like my body. i'm changing my body, or attempting to, it doesn't ilke to cooperate all that much ( humph!!!). but, i didn't like it before and i still don't like it now.
however, that said, there are still men that at least appear interested and tell me they are. tell me i'm sexy. if i were attracted to someone that wasn't attracted to me now, then i would chalk that up to not being a good match. i would be more interested in the person that WAS attracted to me now.......
weight loss and becoming more fit is a process. and it's not one that happens over night. and it's not one that doesn't have it's ups and downs. if you met someone that was attracted to you now, then when you do have a bad patch or things aren't moving as fast as you'd like them to, or you plateau for a bit, then you know they'd still be attracted to you!!! you wouldn't be worrying so much about them losing interest because you haven't made any changes to your body in the last 3 months.......
at least that's how i choose to look at it. i work out and the guys that i meet/ talk to, know that. they know that i might not be where i want to be yet, but i'm working on it. they can come to my house and see my pics on my fridge of my goal bodies. but, if they don't like me for who i am now, there is no point. because unlike a lot of people here, my body is NOT changing fast at all. it's slow and tedious and at times very annoying and frustrating.0 -
I think we just have to be very, very honest about something: romantic relationships require more than just liking someone. Physical attraction is an absolute necessity.
If a guy is voluntarily spending time with you, he likes you, to some degree. But he can't help what he is and isn't attracted to. It is completely normal and reasonable for someone to like you as a person but not be physically attracted to you because you're overweight. It does not make him a bad guy. It does not make him shallow. He is not making a conscious decision to be unattracted to you.
I used to be overweight. And there was never a doubt in my mind that the reason guys weren't attracted to me was because I was overweight. I never thought it was because I must be an awful person. I had many male friends. They just didn't want to be more than that because they didn't find me physically attractive. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was that I knew I had chosen less for myself than I deserved. I had no one but myself to blame for that. Life looks a lot different when you start treating yourself better.0 -
Besides, if someone is unhappy with the way you presently look, then they are not the right person for you right now. No matter how much you may try to convince yourself that they'd be interested in you if you were thinner, hotter, blonder, more athletic, more outgoing, blah blah blah, they probably aren't going to be. We are constantly evolving physically and spiritually. You can't always blame your weight for people not wanting a relationship with you. You have to look deeper.
I think, for myself and many others, extra weight is a defense mechanism and an excuse. It results in two thoughts; the empowering "If they can't look past the flab and see the heart of gold, they don't deserve the treasure" and the self-depricating "I'm single because I'm fat and can't control my body." It's a death spiral that America needs to escape.
(written as I sit here and glare at my treadmill...)0 -
If a guy is voluntarily spending time with you, he likes you, to some degree. But he can't help what he is and isn't attracted to. It is completely normal and reasonable for someone to like you as a person but not be physically attracted to you because you're overweight. It does not make him a bad guy. It does not make him shallow. He is not making a conscious decision to be unattracted to you.
This is exactly the point I was trying to make. Him having a type he prefers doesn't make him someone not worthy of my time. I told him when we first met I am working on my weight and have lost 30 something pounds before I saw him again and at that point he seemed more interested. But, lets face it, I still have another 55+lbs to lose before I would be at a decent weight. I can't expect him to be into something physically that he isn't. And I'm not losing weight for anyone but myself.0 -
I actually think I had a better personality when I was fat. I need to read more and get interesting again.0
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Honestly, I have thought that, but along the way, I have realized that my size really didn't matter. Most people (especially men) determine what they want from you within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. Rarely, does anyone change their mind in the process of getting to know you.0
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Have you ever gotten along with someone so well and you know that if you weren't so large, that he/she would probably be into you?
I have so many attractive, fit/skinny girl friends that say I am just the nicest guy, very sweet, funny, blah blah blah. I definitely feel that my weight has always been that elephant in room (the elephant I ate), that has kept things from being more. I know it is supposed to be all about confidence and knowing that regardless of my physical size, it doesn't affect who I am.
But honestly, I don't believe a bit of that (my subconscious won't let me) . Deep down all I think is if I just just in shape, that there would be a physical attraction in both directions and could be more. So ultimately, totally agree with your question.0 -
While I agree that physical attraction matters and sometimes its just not there, and I agree that confidence is a huge means of attraction, I would also point out that it takes a confident, self-assured person to date someone who ostensibly falls short of society's standards-- like the overweight.
Is it possible he just plain isn't attracted to you? Yes, of course. Absolutely. It's also entirely possible that he is, but isn't secure enough himself to "be seen" with anyone who wouldn't be cast on The Bachelor.
Either way, though, nothing to waste your time with! If it motivates you, more power to you, I suppose!0 -
On Match last week, I saw a guy who posted "I am a short, small man. If you are not smaller than me, please don't waste either of our time. I don't need to hear what I'm missing out on. I know what I like, and I'm not willing to settle again."
I respect him for it.
As a broader woman who tends to attract rail-thin guys (and doesn't really want someone that thin, though I'll give anyone a chance) I know exactly how he feels.0
