Question for the divorced or anybody with an ex!
La_Amazona
Posts: 4,855 Member
The MFP proposal thread brought this up to my mind.
Do you find yourself purposely avoiding anything and anybody that even resembles the ex?
For example, here are things that I'm starting to notice I avoid:
Super romantic guys (ex was...)
Super religious/ ministry guys (ex was a youth pastor/ worship leader WHILE cheating.. yeah)
Non manly men (ex was far from manly man)
Guys that compliment like crazy
Clingy guys
Granted, my ex is obviously unstable. He is all over the place. I told ya'll he cried over Memorial Day right inside the bank?? Well I just found out the moron is ENGAGED.. to be MARRIED to this woman he's dated since April (him and gf have almost the same anniversary as Smiley and I, ha!).
He's officially crazy in my book. So yeah, I run the other way if anybody even sort of, kind of acts like him. I'm stereotyping on most of my list but I have found that most clingy men are emotionally unstable.
I don't know... not sure if this is a problem (could be if I passed up someone great) but for now, it's okay. Anybody else?
Do you find yourself purposely avoiding anything and anybody that even resembles the ex?
For example, here are things that I'm starting to notice I avoid:
Super romantic guys (ex was...)
Super religious/ ministry guys (ex was a youth pastor/ worship leader WHILE cheating.. yeah)
Non manly men (ex was far from manly man)
Guys that compliment like crazy
Clingy guys
Granted, my ex is obviously unstable. He is all over the place. I told ya'll he cried over Memorial Day right inside the bank?? Well I just found out the moron is ENGAGED.. to be MARRIED to this woman he's dated since April (him and gf have almost the same anniversary as Smiley and I, ha!).
He's officially crazy in my book. So yeah, I run the other way if anybody even sort of, kind of acts like him. I'm stereotyping on most of my list but I have found that most clingy men are emotionally unstable.
I don't know... not sure if this is a problem (could be if I passed up someone great) but for now, it's okay. Anybody else?
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Replies
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I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.0
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Its been so long since my ex and I split, I dont even remember what her crazy attributes are, so no I dont avoid any types based on the behavior of my ex. I understand that though, especially if it is a somewhat recent ex. If you see the same traits in a new crush that your ex was big on it could/would send up red flags and make you think the new crush is going to be just like the dbag you just spent so long getting out of your life. I think it will fade with time though, at least it has for me.0
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I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
^^^^^^^^^ THIS - a million times over. If he's a daily drinker... NEVER in a million years.0 -
I'm going to try to avoid cheaters. Once a cheater, always a cheater.0
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Do you find yourself purposely avoiding anything and anybody that even resembles the ex?
Yes, and your list sounds crazy familiar. I don't mind missing out on an opportunity because there will be more down the road and I'd rather not risk reintroducing the same kind of unhealthy relationship to my life.0 -
Yeah, I'd have issues dating a cheating ***** again. But other than that, no.0
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Yeah, I think this is natural behaviour. But as much as you shy away from the traits that make you sad, you also look for traits that made you happy!
So, for example:
I shy away from drug users
But I am attracted to chatty/outgoing types
That was my long term ex.
I think we are all influenced by our experiences, good and bad.
They also say you go for men that are similar to your Father!!! Although I go for men opposite to mine!! :laugh: Again, depends if your experience was good or bad :flowerforyou:0 -
I have yet to put my toe back into the dating pool just yet. But I will most certainly avoid older men...my ex is almost 16 years older. And he's at the age where it IS making a difference. I will avoid daily drinkers. Occasional drinking would be fine. Most of all, I think I will avoid controlling, angry and abusive men. At least I hope so. And I'll avoid anyone who tries to change me and tell me I'm not good enough as I am.0
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It's interesting, but I actually find myself noticing with features like his that I found particularly attractive from a physical standpoint but do shy away when I hear certain personality traits coming out. He had the most amazing forearms from hard work and the gym and also tended to lick his lips a certain way... I notice those things immediately on men now and while I'm not saying I'm then interested in them, I find myself wondering how much like him they are... weird I know. Hmm, the things that trigger that emotional response are interesting..0
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I think Will is onto something. My ex was a complete *kitten*. So it's probably only natural I run the other way.
If Smiley and I ever broke up, oh, I'll be looking for traits of his in new guys. His body shape (mmm), the whole country boy thing, are just a couple.
Funny.0 -
I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
Doesn't that eliminate 90% of the population... and 8 of the other 10% probably went to AA for drinking!0 -
The cheating and the drug use are pretty much gimmes, imo. But I find myself shying away from younger guys. My ex was about 8 yrs my younger, so I'm very wary of such a large age gap.0
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I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
AMEN!!!!! ME TOO!!!!!0 -
Absolutely I do because I wouldn't want another relationship like the one that almost killed me. I learn my lessons, get burned dummy, step away from the fire. Want nothing like the last one.0
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I shy away from guys that make me feel like crap. If I get an anxiety attack from hanging out with you it's not going to work.0
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I don't why I always seem to attract the losers!!! I must have a sign on me that says, "DOORMAT". But being single again, I'm going to choose WISELY and be extremely picky on who I date and the people I associate myself with. This time around, it's all about ME......Well, this is a new concept for me lol...considering I have ALWAYS put everyone first.0
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Drinking...
My ex did NOT drink at all except for the occassional glass of wine. He looked down on me when I would.
Drinking is now okay in my book (besides an obvious alcoholic). As a matter of fact, I'd like to be with someone who drinks socially, goes out, etc.0 -
i steer clear of anyone that reminds me of my ex.
i'm attracted to traits that are almost polar opposite!!! :-) i'm ok with that!! ;-)0 -
I don't why I always seem to attract the losers!!! I must have a sign on me that says, "DOORMAT". But being single again, I'm going to choose WISELY and be extremely picky on who I date and the people I associate myself with. This time around, it's all about ME......Well, this is a new concept for me lol...considering I have ALWAYS put everyone first.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I have found that broken attracts broken. If you are constantly being with men that treat you like trash, someone is wrong in YOU.
I am sure I attract abusers, alcoholics, jerks, cheaters, etc but it's up to ME to look for the red flags. That's why after my divorce, I practiced being alone and working on myself so that I can trust myself to move on from a guy who seemed great but made my alarm go off.
Now that you're single, work on this. Get into therapy, talk to people, etc...
A great, great resource is a blog called Baggage Reclaim. This had such a HUGE impact on me. Google it, read it!!
If you are looking for a man while your self esteem is low, you most likely will be making the same mistakes again.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Nope, I'm a pretty good judge of character and I really like a lot about all the ex gf I have had... Hot, Fun, and Sweet... it's a win everytime!0
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I'm trying to avoid guys who are indecisive. Tell me or ask me, but I refuse to guess what you're thinking or doing.0
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I don't why I always seem to attract the losers!!! I must have a sign on me that says, "DOORMAT". But being single again, I'm going to choose WISELY and be extremely picky on who I date and the people I associate myself with. This time around, it's all about ME......Well, this is a new concept for me lol...considering I have ALWAYS put everyone first.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I have found that broken attracts broken. If you are constantly being with men that treat you like trash, someone is wrong in YOU.
I am sure I attract abusers, alcoholics, jerks, cheaters, etc but it's up to ME to look for the red flags. That's why after my divorce, I practiced being alone and working on myself so that I can trust myself to move on from a guy who seemed great but made my alarm go off.
Now that you're single, work on this. Get into therapy, talk to people, etc...
A great, great resource is a blog called Baggage Reclaim. This had such a HUGE impact on me. Google it, read it!!
If you are looking for a man while your self esteem is low, you most likely will be making the same mistakes again.
:flowerforyou:
I am taking this as an insult, because let's face it, ex's are ex's for a reason! There is nothing wrong with my self esteem or confidence in myself! When I did break up with my ex, I was an emotional wreck because I broke away from something that has been my routine for 2 years. Now that I had time to let the dust settle, I see clearly and now I'm on a mission to improving myself even more. Why were you with your ex's for so long? And why are your ex's your ex's?? Just because you found your current "man" to be this Prince, you can't preach to me about my self esteem. I'm not on the prowl looking for a man because I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. Family and friends is good enough for me. Having a man in my life is just an added bonus.
And to tell me to go into therapy??? I am not that bad off that I need a shrink. I have a very bold personality and I know for a fact that I will be ok. Like I said, the dust has settled and now I'm hell on heels..there is NOTHING that is going to stop me from achieving my goals and NO ONE is going to put me down again. I do kind of regret posting my situation, but hey, you live and learn, right?
So, for you, please don't take this post as an insult..... I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm full of life.....I'm smart, witty, and have a heart of gold. My "Mr. Perfect" is out there...and if he isn't, I'm quite content with being single. There's no man that can fill this void some women seem to have. I love me and that's all that matters. THIS is the reason why I left my bf....
FYI....I'm really not mad at you. lol. I just needed to vent....So thank you for your kind words.
:blushing: 0 -
I don't why I always seem to attract the losers!!! I must have a sign on me that says, "DOORMAT". But being single again, I'm going to choose WISELY and be extremely picky on who I date and the people I associate myself with. This time around, it's all about ME......Well, this is a new concept for me lol...considering I have ALWAYS put everyone first.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I have found that broken attracts broken. If you are constantly being with men that treat you like trash, someone is wrong in YOU.
I am sure I attract abusers, alcoholics, jerks, cheaters, etc but it's up to ME to look for the red flags. That's why after my divorce, I practiced being alone and working on myself so that I can trust myself to move on from a guy who seemed great but made my alarm go off.
Now that you're single, work on this. Get into therapy, talk to people, etc...
A great, great resource is a blog called Baggage Reclaim. This had such a HUGE impact on me. Google it, read it!!
If you are looking for a man while your self esteem is low, you most likely will be making the same mistakes again.
:flowerforyou:
I am taking this as an insult, because let's face it, ex's are ex's for a reason! There is nothing wrong with my self esteem or confidence in myself! When I did break up with my ex, I was an emotional wreck because I broke away from something that has been my routine for 2 years. Now that I had time to let the dust settle, I see clearly and now I'm on a mission to improving myself even more. Why were you with your ex's for so long? And why are your ex's your ex's?? Just because you found your current "man" to be this Prince, you can't preach to me about my self esteem. I'm not on the prowl looking for a man because I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. Family and friends is good enough for me. Having a man in my life is just an added bonus.
And to tell me to go into therapy??? I am not that bad off that I need a shrink. I have a very bold personality and I know for a fact that I will be ok. Like I said, the dust has settled and now I'm hell on heels..there is NOTHING that is going to stop me from achieving my goals and NO ONE is going to put me down again. I do kind of regret posting my situation, but hey, you live and learn, right?
So, for you, please don't take this post as an insult..... I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm full of life.....I'm smart, witty, and have a heart of gold. My "Mr. Perfect" is out there...and if he isn't, I'm quite content with being single. There's no man that can fill this void some women seem to have. I love me and that's all that matters. THIS is the reason why I left my bf....
FYI....I'm really not mad at you. lol. I just needed to vent....So thank you for your kind words. :blushing:
I was with my ex's (ex husband was a cheater... and I also had a physically abusive ex a long time ago) for a period of time because like I said, broken attracts broken. The moment my ex husband cheated on me the 1st time, I should have left. The moment my ex bf seemed aggressive, I should have left. The moment your ex showed aggressive behavior, you should have left, but no, you stayed with him 2 YEARS. We live and we learn, you're right. But if you're blind to the fact that you stayed with a jerk for 2 whole years and that it only means it was because you were in a routine, you're wrong.
I didn't say you needed therapy. I said to do whatever it takes to work on yourself and heal. I read your story. It sounds pretty dramatic and like a tough situation. There is no way you can come out of that and be healthy (right now).
And you're right.. you're young, beautiful, and all those things and more. But in order for you to be ready for your Mr. Right, you should be Mrs. Right for him.
Oh and I never said my current "man" is a Prince. He's a good guy with flaws. Nothing more.0 -
I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
Me too! Or smokes... I just don't want that in my life anymore!0 -
I don't why I always seem to attract the losers!!! I must have a sign on me that says, "DOORMAT". But being single again, I'm going to choose WISELY and be extremely picky on who I date and the people I associate myself with. This time around, it's all about ME......Well, this is a new concept for me lol...considering I have ALWAYS put everyone first.
Please don't take this the wrong way but I have found that broken attracts broken. If you are constantly being with men that treat you like trash, someone is wrong in YOU.
I am sure I attract abusers, alcoholics, jerks, cheaters, etc but it's up to ME to look for the red flags. That's why after my divorce, I practiced being alone and working on myself so that I can trust myself to move on from a guy who seemed great but made my alarm go off.
Now that you're single, work on this. Get into therapy, talk to people, etc...
A great, great resource is a blog called Baggage Reclaim. This had such a HUGE impact on me. Google it, read it!!
If you are looking for a man while your self esteem is low, you most likely will be making the same mistakes again.
:flowerforyou:
I am taking this as an insult, because let's face it, ex's are ex's for a reason! There is nothing wrong with my self esteem or confidence in myself! When I did break up with my ex, I was an emotional wreck because I broke away from something that has been my routine for 2 years. Now that I had time to let the dust settle, I see clearly and now I'm on a mission to improving myself even more. Why were you with your ex's for so long? And why are your ex's your ex's?? Just because you found your current "man" to be this Prince, you can't preach to me about my self esteem. I'm not on the prowl looking for a man because I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. Family and friends is good enough for me. Having a man in my life is just an added bonus.
And to tell me to go into therapy??? I am not that bad off that I need a shrink. I have a very bold personality and I know for a fact that I will be ok. Like I said, the dust has settled and now I'm hell on heels..there is NOTHING that is going to stop me from achieving my goals and NO ONE is going to put me down again. I do kind of regret posting my situation, but hey, you live and learn, right?
So, for you, please don't take this post as an insult..... I'm young, I'm beautiful, I'm full of life.....I'm smart, witty, and have a heart of gold. My "Mr. Perfect" is out there...and if he isn't, I'm quite content with being single. There's no man that can fill this void some women seem to have. I love me and that's all that matters. THIS is the reason why I left my bf....
FYI....I'm really not mad at you. lol. I just needed to vent....So thank you for your kind words. :blushing:
I was with my ex's (ex husband was a cheater... and I also had a physically abusive ex a long time ago) for a period of time because like I said, broken attracts broken. The moment my ex husband cheated on me the 1st time, I should have left. The moment my ex bf seemed aggressive, I should have left. The moment your ex showed aggressive behavior, you should have left, but no, you stayed with him 2 YEARS. We live and we learn, you're right. But if you're blind to the fact that you stayed with a jerk for 2 whole years and that it only means it was because you were in a routine, you're wrong.
I didn't say you needed therapy. I said to do whatever it takes to work on yourself and heal. I read your story. It sounds pretty dramatic and like a tough situation. There is no way you can come out of that and be healthy (right now).
And you're right.. you're young, beautiful, and all those things and more. But in order for you to be ready for your Mr. Right, you should be Mrs. Right for him.
Oh and I never said my current "man" is a Prince. He's a good guy with flaws. Nothing more.
I understand what you're saying.....HENCE the reason I am NOT looking to get into a relationship any time soon. I can't predict my future, but I can work on who I am FOR my future. We all live and learn in life. I'm very proud of myself that I didn't say yes to marrying him. I'm happy I don't have any children with him. I even happier I didn't pick up his bad habits of drugs and alcohol. I have pity on him for living the life that he does....and I pray that he finds happiness within himself as I'm doing for myself. Yes, I care about this person (still) only because he was in my life for a good long while. That will diminish over time....I have a hard time hating someone....it's not in my nature to hate. But I do hate his bad habits. I feel like we're bickering like old friends lol. And, in some rare form, it's comforting. Thank you for listening 0 -
I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
This one is huge for me too. And I want a manly guy. If a guy asks me to a lounge and orders a beer it's a dealbreaker0 -
I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
^^^^^^^^^ THIS - a million times over. If he's a daily drinker... NEVER in a million years.
I average 2-3 beers a week. Heavy drinker that drinks daily would put me off too. For me though it's drugs. My ex was in to drugs. Nothing hardcore just marijuana but to me it was a total turn off.0 -
I will never date anyone who: drinks, does drugs, abuses women. my ex was all of the above. the ex boyfriends I had were the same. I will also never date anyone who is insecure and possesive like my last boyfriend was. he wanted me to give up guy friends who I have known way longer than him he assumed I was going to date them. as far as super religious I would date a preacher in a heart beat.0
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I will NEVER date anyone again who drinks. Just can't do it.
^^^^^^^^^ THIS - a million times over. If he's a daily drinker... NEVER in a million years.
I average 2-3 beers a week. Heavy drinker that drinks daily would put me off too. For me though it's drugs. My ex was in to drugs. Nothing hardcore just marijuana but to me it was a total turn off.
Yes -- I don't mind a drink here and there.... but never nightly. My ex was a 9-11 beer a night guy... he took about 3 days off a month and that was it. It's bad when you try to get life insurance and they laugh because your liver is pickled! :frown:0 -
How the hell do all you awesome ladies end up with complete douche bags that are abusive physically along substance abuse when clearly there are awesome guys (me
) out there... Seems pretty common, those fuctards ruin it for the genuine dudes haha.
I couldn't be with a girl who isn't open and forth coming about her feelings and who is cold hearted in terms of affection. But apart from that I'm pretty forgiving
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