Do you feel cheated?
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UsedToBeHusky
Posts: 15,227 Member
This question is mainly for the divorcees. Marriage is supposed to be a binding contract in life. Not only a legal one, but a spiritual one. But when things go wrong and disappointment is all you have left... do you feel like you were somehow cosmically cheated? I mean, when you see couples that have been making it work for decades... do you wonder what kind of karma you earned for yourself to not find lasting love?
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This is a good question. I really don't feel cheated because now I know for sure what I want in life.
My first marriage was right out of high school and hardly lasted a year. I don't really count that one. That was me being dumb, young, and full of you know what.
My second marriage I genuinely thought was going to last forever, but I went into it too quickly and unprepared which was a recipe for disaster. It was so bad to the point that I probably can't ever be friends with this man. We had great chemistry and were truly in love, but sometimes love is not enough.
That is my opinion though. Neither of my marriages lasted that long but I learned so much from both of them.
The search for Mr. Right continues..
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Just don't get married and your problem is solved.0
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Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
Oh yeah, that.
I've decided marriage isn't a requirement anymore just because you're in love with someone.0 -
Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.0 -
Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".0 -
This question is mainly for the divorcees. Marriage is supposed to be a binding contract in life. Not only a legal one, but a spiritual one. But when things go wrong and disappointment is all you have left... do you feel like you were somehow cosmically cheated? I mean, when you see couples that have been making it work for decades... do you wonder what kind of karma you earned for yourself to not find lasting love?
No I don't feel cheated. All sorts of stuff happens to people in their life times - trauma, death of loved ones, ill health, loss in all it's forms - along with all the good stuff too! I believe you can learn from experience and that attitude and choices affect what happens to us, but I don't believe in karma in that bad stuff also happens randomly. I appreciate love when I find it. I hope I will find lasting love one day, but I no longer take this for granted, nor think it's the norm. I feel very blessed to have found true love of the heart stopping, bone melting variety twice in my lifetime. I fully expect it to hapen at least once more, if I can ever be bothered to put myself through the hassle of dating again. I do sometimes feel nostalgic when I see couples that have a great relationship and sometimes I do get a feeling that perhaps that's not for me any more. But it's not a feeling of disappointment or bitterness. More just that I don't seem to be moving in that direction right now and although I assume I will do one day, I'm less certain of that than I was.0 -
Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".
I can see your point there too.
After my marriage fell apart, I had a long-term (5 yrs) fall apart too. I guess the marriage bothered me more, but I have kids with my ex-husband so that could be the difference.0 -
This question is mainly for the divorcees. Marriage is supposed to be a binding contract in life. Not only a legal one, but a spiritual one. But when things go wrong and disappointment is all you have left... do you feel like you were somehow cosmically cheated? I mean, when you see couples that have been making it work for decades... do you wonder what kind of karma you earned for yourself to not find lasting love?
No I don't feel cheated. All sorts of stuff happens to people in their life times - trauma, death of loved ones, ill health, loss in all it's forms - along with all the good stuff too! I believe you can learn from experience and that attitude and choices affect what happens to us, but I don't believe in karma in that bad stuff also happens randomly. I appreciate love when I find it. I hope I will find lasting love one day, but I no longer take this for granted, nor think it's the norm. I feel very blessed to have found true love of the heart stopping, bone melting variety twice in my lifetime. I fully expect it to hapen at least once more, if I can ever be bothered to put myself through the hassle of dating again. I do sometimes feel nostalgic when I see couples that have a great relationship and sometimes I do get a feeling that perhaps that's not for me any more. But it's not a feeling of disappointment or bitterness. More just that I don't seem to be moving in that direction right now and although I assume I will do one day, I'm less certain of that than I was.
I guess I'm beginning to feel like that love of the long-lasting variety (20+ years) is just no longer possible. I mean, at least not for me. My mother was married 5 times, but she eventually made one last, but she made some sacrifices that I personally wouldn't have made.0 -
You gotta look at the bright side in these situations...........at least she didn't get half your *kitten*!Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".0 -
I felt VERY cheated. lol. I feel like 15 years of my life were literally wasted. I looked at my marriage as forever and no matter what happened I was going to work at it. I was floored the day he left. After 15 years together I was told over the PHONE that he was leaving .. that day .. on my way to work. lol.
But .. it has been 3 years and I am over it now. He however has changed me permanently .. and not in a good way.0 -
You gotta look at the bright side in these situations...........at least she didn't get half your *kitten*!Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".
No, HE did not.0 -
This is a good question. I really don't feel cheated because now I know for sure what I want in life.
My first marriage was right out of high school and hardly lasted a year. I don't really count that one. That was me being dumb, young, and full of you know what.
My second marriage I genuinely thought was going to last forever, but I went into it too quickly and unprepared which was a recipe for disaster. It was so bad to the point that I probably can't ever be friends with this man. We had great chemistry and were truly in love, but sometimes love is not enough.
That is my opinion though. Neither of my marriages lasted that long but I learned so much from both of them.
The search for Mr. Right continues..
You sound like me... my first marriage was in the military when I was in alaska. It was a 9 to 1 male to female ratio, it was cold, and it was dark that winter... I didn't want to sleep alone. lol
The second was a platonic relationship that I thought putting a ring on would change dramatically. Unfortunately that didn't happen.
The second one has a new man and a kid, she left me because she didn't want a family, she wanted to focus on her career. Yeah, I feel cheated.0 -
The second one has a new man and a kid, she left me because she didn't want a family, she wanted to focus on her career. Yeah, I feel cheated.
::HUGS::0 -
You gotta look at the bright side in these situations...........at least she didn't get half your *kitten*!Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".
No, HE did not.
I always thought you were a guy too. :blushing: I'm so sorry.0 -
You gotta look at the bright side in these situations...........at least she didn't get half your *kitten*!Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
You kind of have a point there. It doesn't seem to hurt as much when it is just a regular break-up. But when it is a divorce, it is devastating. I never thought about it that way.
This is not necessarily true. We never got married, but my ex and I were together for well over a decade and lived together. So we didn't have to do anything legally when we split, but in some respects it was harder because a lot of people discounted how tough the break up was because we never made it "official".
No, HE did not.
I always thought you were a guy too. :blushing: I'm so sorry.
No apology needed. You would probably recognize my usual pic, but this one was a visual reminder to myself that I was off track with my diet this week.0 -
hmmmm When my marrige ended I thought my world was over lol. That was about 6 years ago. I got over it. When I split with my long term boyfriend there wasnt near as much angst. But then I did the breaking up... I've pretty much decided I'm not getting married again. I would rather just live with someone long term.. The break up is much easier that way0
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hmmmm When my marrige ended I thought my world was over lol. That was about 6 years ago. I got over it. When I split with my long term boyfriend there wasnt near as much angst. But then I did the breaking up... I've pretty much decided I'm not getting married again. I would rather just live with someone long term.. The break up is much easier that way
I think that is my ex-husband's POV also. He refuses to re-marry. I thought I would marry the long-term guy, but before I could, he did some really despicable stuff. Now, he is bitter...
My ex-husband did worse stuff to me though. I left both of them, but the marriage hurt way worse. Of course, I'm still friends with the ex-boyfriend, but the ex-husband hates my guts. Maybe that is really the difference.0 -
I guess I'm beginning to feel like that love of the long-lasting variety (20+ years) is just no longer possible. I mean, at least not for me. My mother was married 5 times, but she eventually made one last, but she made some sacrifices that I personally wouldn't have made.
I was with my ex for 21 years and it was only really the last few that were unhappy. Before that, we had our problems, but the love was more than enough to overcome them and see us through to better times.
I've seen a lot of life-long, happy marriages. True, I think they are a minority and many more either break down or involve a level of compromise that begins to erode a person's sense of self. But I don't think life-long, good marriages are rare either, just that they are not the most common outcome. People change so much in a life time. It's natural that sometimes they will outgrow relationships.
As to whether a relationship established later in life will last, it's a lottery but we may increase the odds by having good relationship building skills and choosing someone who is also emotionally available in this way. Part of this includes learning from past experiences and lovecoming loss and trauma.
I would imagine that it is particularly hard to understand how things ended in hatred where once there was love. I don't know enough about your circumstances, but I can say that generally, bitterness is a sign that there is a degree of lack of acceptance of what has happened, usually because there are aspects of what has happened which are unreconcilable with expectations in some way. This could be because what is most upsetting is not articulated, so remains unprocessed. It could also be that meanings taken from the experience clash with deeply held beliefs, causing confusion and distress. I wonder if this could be what the difference is between your two relationships. I have the sense that one you have fully processed and whilst it may cause sadness, there is less bitterness, whereas the other still causes difficulties. If this seems to fit, I would keep talking about the ex. There is no reason at all why a happy ending is not as much within your reach as anyone else. :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks lorro! That was extemely helpful!0
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I feel cheated by a society that puts way too much mystic important bullcrap on romance and fills people's heads with nonsense about it from a young age.
Love is in the imagination, that's the only place it resides. Physical attraction, the benefits and drawbacks to building a life together, those things are not love. Those things are based in instinct and social structure.
Romantic love is nothing except what we believe it is. It's also, as a friend of mine always used to say, the new opiate of the masses, having replaced religion long ago. She was wise. I should have listened to her.0 -
Sometimes. I struggle with this. I spent 20 years with an emotionally, verbal and sometimes physically abusive man who regularly told me I was worthless and didn't contribute anything. On one hand, I would love to get those 20 years back...I really tried to make the marriage work. On the other hand, I love my kids and wouldn't give them up for anything. And on the other other hand, the signs were there early on that he was this way (controlling and narcissistic). So, in my accepting any responsibility, it is that I didn't pay attention or act on my misgivings. I think in the back of my mind I knew marrying him was a mistake. But I did anyway.
Still in counseling. It's my goal to make better choices in the future. But I still have optimism that I could find someone who feels like he is lucky to be with me.0 -
Thanks lorro! That was extemely helpful!
Lol. I can't tell if you mean it or if you found it really unhelpful. Apologies if I got it all wrong :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks lorro! That was extemely helpful!
Lol. I can't tell if you mean it or if you found it really unhelpful. Apologies if I got it all wrong :flowerforyou:
No. You were spot on with your analysis of what I shared. Even though there are a lot of details I left out, you gave me a good outside perspective that I found especially helpful.0 -
Thanks, I'm glad it helped 0
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I felt incredibly cheated. I "did everything right" religiously and even followed conventional wisdom (we dated for 3 years, we met each others families first, I made sure I got my degree before we married, etc) and still ended up a single mom.
But it takes two to tango. One person can't make it work alone. And there's nothing you can do to prevent the other person from making devastating decisions. Even if you do everything right, life can still throw you a curveball. Doesn't mean we stop living and loving. It just means that sometimes we'll be hurt.
I no longer feel cheated or resentful because
a) I wouldn't be how I am today if not for that relationship,
b) I likely would have married someone even more abusive, and
c) if I hadn't been with him for 15 years, I would never have discovered that kind of deep love that only grows when you have long-term history with someone. I wish I could explain it in words. It's something I hope to experience again.0 -
Despite the fact that I was cheated on (marriage #1), I still blame myself for the divorce. I had a very limited understanding of what a marriage requires and as a result, I let things happen that I shouldn't have. And I blame myself on marriage #2 for jumping in to it without taking the time to get to know her. I'd like to think I'm older and wiser, but then it's been over 15 years since I was last married.0
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I think it is quite naive to think loves fall into two categories:do you wonder what kind of karma you earned for yourself to not find lasting love?
A) "Lasting love"
"Non-lasting love"
And there would be some sort of genetic test or expert that could tell you "I've analysed your profile and you guys are lovo-compatible, so you're good for an everlasting relationship! Congratulations!".
And then there it is, you sign the paper (marriage) and you've got your lasting love.
You don't *find* "lasting love". You find love (I would even say "build" love) and you make it last - or not, depending on the preferences, desires and *EFFORTS* of *each* of the partners involved.
I think a lot of people don't accept their responsibility in the failure of a relationship.
That bit of paper you signed, the "marriage" agreement, is just this: a bit of paper. It doesn't entitle you to "lasting love". Some people see marriage as an end.
I think this is a more mature attitude:
People, I think, should accept their responsibility in failures. Not the entire responsibility for what happened of course, but it is unfair to blame it entirely on "external circumstances" or the other partner.Despite the fact that I was cheated on (marriage #1), I still blame myself for the divorce. I had a very limited understanding of what a marriage requires and as a result, I let things happen that I shouldn't have.
"He/she cheated on me" => I didn't make him/her satisfied enough so that they didn't have to look elsewhere. I didn't detect the fact that this person wasn't ready for a monogamous relationship.
"He/she doesn't understand me" => I don't communicate properly and I'm unable to express my ideas to him/her in a way he understands.
"He is an *kitten*" => I have got low standards/I have poor judgement/I am easily fooled by people.0 -
I think it is quite naive to think loves fall into two categories:do you wonder what kind of karma you earned for yourself to not find lasting love?
A) "Lasting love" "Non-lasting love"
And there would be some sort of genetic test or expert that could tell you "I've analysed your profile and you guys are lovo-compatible, so you're good for an everlasting relationship! Congratulations!".
And then there it is, you sign the paper (marriage) and you've got your lasting love.
You don't *find* "lasting love". You find love (I would even say "build" love) and you make it last - or not, depending on the preferences, desires and *EFFORTS* of *each* of the partners involved.
I think a lot of people don't accept their responsibility in the failure of a relationship.
That bit of paper you signed, the "marriage" agreement, is just this: a bit of paper. It doesn't entitle you to "lasting love". Some people see marriage as an end.
I think this is a more mature attitude:
People, I think, should accept their responsibility in failures. Not the entire responsibility for what happened of course, but it is unfair to blame it entirely on "external circumstances" or the other partner.Despite the fact that I was cheated on (marriage #1), I still blame myself for the divorce. I had a very limited understanding of what a marriage requires and as a result, I let things happen that I shouldn't have.
"He/she cheated on me" => I didn't make him/her satisfied enough so that they didn't have to look elsewhere. I didn't detect the fact that this person wasn't ready for a monogamous relationship.
"He/she doesn't understand me" => I don't communicate properly and I'm unable to express my ideas to him/her in a way he understands.
"He is an *kitten*" => I have got low standards/I have poor judgement/I am easily fooled by people.
While I am not arguing that your assessment is not accurate, the part that I am pondering is at what point does one learn from their past mistakes to manage to avoid them in the future.
See my problem is judging the individual. I always look for and expect the best from people, and have a tendency to ignore the warning signs. After my marriage fell apart, I went through a long period of counseling, and finally felt that I knew what to look for. I ended up entering into a long-term relationship. Initially, it seemed like I had finally found the right one. But as time went by, more and more about this person came to the surface until I know longer recognized him as the man I first fell in love with. Then, I had to go through the painful process of ending that relationship (and I still haven't really cut ties completely).
I just feel disheartened. I wonder if I am even capable of a truly life-long relationship (what I consider to be lasting). Not because I can't carry my responsibility in the relationship, but because I fail to find someone else who shares in that responsibility. I'm beginning to feel, at my age, that the pursuit of that type of relationship might just be pointless. But then, if I were to meet that person, I don't want to ruin it because I have become so cynical and doubt the survival of the relationship in the first place.0 -
Just don't get married and your problem is solved.
Nah. I've never been married, but I can tell you the heartbreak, pain, anger, etc. etc. I felt at the end of my last LTR (of 3 years) was nothing like anything else I've ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It took me well over a year to get past it and I've yet to attempt another real relationship. It's been 3 years now.
The only way to avoid being hurt by people is to remain so guarded that you never have any meaningful relationships. And what kind of life would that be?
Of course, I also believe love is largely a choice....0 -
I feel cheated because we have a kid together and he threw out our marriage for some 21 year old (5 years younger than him)0
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