Child Support/maintenance

Generalle

I realise this topic is VERY touchy but I like to put things out there.........
So my sons father & I haven't been together since my son was 2, he's now 14. In NZ there's a system called child support which calculates the childs age, fathers & mothers marital status & calculates a % of the fathers salary that they need to pay.
Over the years I've been extremely accomodating and haven't involved the government to collect the money as the last assessment was so unreasonable I decided we'd be better off doing it privately.
There have been a few things lately that are starting to make me reassess this stance. My son is extremely good at sports, and is extremely intelligent. Years before we left NZ I had spoken to his father about his payment to me (we both agreed on that) was to include a contribution to private school fees as our son had academic potential and the payment would be 50/50 everything.
Things have changed alot lately though...................
My son is now 14 and eating alot. He also has joined the gym and is growing at a rate of a size a month. Last year he grew 3 shoe sizes and I have to replenish his wardrobe (especially socks & undies) around once a month. His latest school trip - thanks to getting into the National Swim Team - was $700. His father also did not buy him a birthday present this year - WTF????!!!!????!!!!
The issue I have is I can afford this. I earn enough money to buy my son the best, and am happy to make sure my son has the best. Do I bother about it? I don't need the money, so really who cares? But then there's things like my sons birthday really fark me off...

Prahasaurus

Don't let the missed birthday (inexcusable, obviously) cloud your judgement on compensation. You say things are getting expensive, but then again you can handle it. So it doesn't seem like your son will have to forgo anything.

On the other hand, it also seems like there have been some changes that you didn't foresee, and it's only fair your ex should contribute, based on these new circumstances.

Why don't you tell your ex that the costs have gone up significantly (be specific, obviously), and suggest the two of you revisit the agreement. I assume the formal system has annual or regular reviews to reflect changing circumstances (loss of job, etc.). My guess is that it probably changes as the kids age, since costs do go up.

In any case, if your new, negotiated figure is still less than he should be paying through the formal system, I don't see the issue. He is still getting a great deal. You seem to be in a strong bargaining position.

So many factors here about which I'm unaware, obviously. His financial situation, etc. But in general, if things change, you should have the chance to discuss with him so he continues to honor his responsibility in a fair way.

I like that you have managed to agree so far, that is the best way. Hope you can continue this approach with your ex.

Good luck,

--Prahasaurus

Prahasaurus

But I can't stress enough that you need to be specific. Just saying "it's more expensive now and you need to pay more" is not helpful (not that you would do this, I'm exaggerating for effect). However, saying that

- swimming team costs have been 250 USD on average per month, and will continue through the swim season, which last 8 months.

- clothing costs have gone up from 400 USD over the past six months to 700 USD, since our son is growing out of his clothes much faster than before, which is a annual increase of 600 USD.

- etc., etc.

"Therefore, as you can see, our son's annual costs have increased by 3,200 USD (or whatever you calculate). If we split those additional costs in half, and divide by 12, we have 133 USD in additional costs for each of us each month. Currently, I'm having to pick up all of these additional costs, myself. I'd like you to pay your half, which we can simply add to our previous agreement." Etc., etc.

Reduce the emotional component by sticking to the facts.

NNAhuja

I'm with Prahasaurus. Stick to facts.

jenbit

Got say ^^^^^ this is the most reasonable way to handle it. Just because you can afford it all doesnt mean you should have to

Prahasaurus

Oh, and tell him that you'd like to review this every year until your son is X years old, based on actual costs. You can say your son may not be on the swim team next year and costs could go down, or he may have the chance to do something else which will cost a bit more, etc., etc.

Make the annual review date the same day as your son's birthday... :-) I guarantee you he won't miss another birthday.

And he won't panic that you'll be calling him in 4 months to request another increase. He'll know it's an annual review, based on actual costs.

OK, my last post on this...

Generalle

this is the thing, we don't talk. We don't need to.
Unfortunately he's not at all involved in our sons life. He doesn't even text/ring his son.......but then that's another story

bazaar1982

Sounds just like my ex, shows up once, twice every year, plays and has fun with my son then disappears - so I'm the one who has to pick up the peices. He does pay, but like you my son needs more & more - so I messages him about a summer holiday club costing £240 a week- he doesn't have to go, but would like to (drama and singing). Didn't hear anything back, so was expecting a fight, got my child support and he'd paid it! Was in shock, but when I spoke to him he said he was happy to help because I'd given him something tangible to pay for. He hates being told 'he eats this much' or 'he's grown' - the club was something he could price up and was a fixed sum.

So maybe providing your ex with actual figures might help?

Poor old single parents do get the rough end of it - there is nothing wrong with asking for his help.

Myslissa

It doesnt matter if he chooses not to be in your son's life....Your son is still part his and he should be responsible. He helped make him, he can help take care of him. Went through this for years with twins.

mrmanmeat

I realise this topic is VERY touchy but I like to put things out there.........
So my sons father & I haven't been together since my son was 2, he's now 14. In NZ there's a system called child support which calculates the childs age, fathers & mothers marital status & calculates a % of the fathers salary that they need to pay.
Over the years I've been extremely accomodating and haven't involved the government to collect the money as the last assessment was so unreasonable I decided we'd be better off doing it privately.
There have been a few things lately that are starting to make me reassess this stance. My son is extremely good at sports, and is extremely intelligent. Years before we left NZ I had spoken to his father about his payment to me (we both agreed on that) was to include a contribution to private school fees as our son had academic potential and the payment would be 50/50 everything.
Things have changed alot lately though...................
My son is now 14 and eating alot. He also has joined the gym and is growing at a rate of a size a month. Last year he grew 3 shoe sizes and I have to replenish his wardrobe (especially socks & undies) around once a month. His latest school trip - thanks to getting into the National Swim Team - was $700. His father also did not buy him a birthday present this year - WTF????!!!!????!!!!
The issue I have is I can afford this. I earn enough money to buy my son the best, and am happy to make sure my son has the best. Do I bother about it? I don't need the money, so really who cares? But then there's things like my sons birthday really fark me off...

Yes. Fair is fair, regardless if you make enough money.

If you don't need the money, take the money, put it into a savings and give it to your son when he goes off to school/college/whatever.